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Dom,
I think we simply approach songwriting differently.
My lyric intentionally uses concrete imagery and contrasts everyday human experiences with digital influence. Yours leans much more toward abstract concepts and poetic phrasing. It's not really a song, just 8 lines and there's no "furniture". People usually connect more deeply with concrete images than with abstract terminology.

You said my song doesn’t clearly show how AI affects people’s lives, but lines like:
“Little screen in my hand, tryin’ to rewrite who I am”
or
“Now a machine writes a hit in a minute or so”
are actually very direct examples of that.
Your lyric suggests anxiety, or artificial stimulation, but it doesn’t clearly state how AI is negatively changing life in a concrete or relatable way. “Get high from neon sensations”: Interesting phrase, but it’s vague. Is it about screens? Addiction? Media? Nightlife? Dopamine? Nobody really knows.

At the end of the day, some listeners will connect more with abstraction, others with imagery and storytelling. That’s part of what makes songwriting subjective. I could give you more feedback if you would write a whole song instead of just a couple of lines.