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This is a rough demo of one I wrote a couple days ago. I see it as a crooner’s song, maybe an old fashioned torch song. Maybe a piano bar song. Probably not in the country or protest song category.

If you don't love me anymore

I’ve noticed your inattention
You always seem so far away
And when I’m talking to you
You look the other way

It doesn’t take a genius
To figure out the score
Why don’t you just come out and say it
If you don’t love me anymore

You’re keeping your thoughts hidden
But I can see it in your eyes
And that look of indifference
You don’t bother to disguise

It doesn’t take a genius
To figure out the score
Why don’t you just come out and say it
If you don’t love me anymore

Don’t play the role of martyr
Or betray me with a kiss
I’ve survived heartache before
And stronger storms than this

I don’t need an explanation
I don’t need a reason why
Don’t waste your breath denying
What I see with my own eyes

It doesn’t take a genius
To figure out the score
Why don’t you just come out and say it
If you don’t love me anymore

Dan, man this is heart wrenching to say the least!! I write country so if that's where you were going I would say change some words like martyr, etc., if not then it says what it needs to! Enjoyed it!! :)))) scotty

Dan,

Really liked this, I think a bridge would be interesting, what are the chords for this if you don't mind me asking, I tried to strum along with you.

Tammy

Richard, Thanks for the nice things you said. Sometimes I write country songs. Or at least what used to be called country. You made me smile when you said it could be a country song if I changed words like martyr. I thought there were plenty of martyrs in Nashville.

Tammy, Thank you, too. Actually there is a bridge in the song - following the second chorus. I used a capo on the 4th fret and the chords were: verse: C - Em -F -G
In the chorus: F - C - E - Am - F - C - G - C bridge: F - C - F - C -E - Am - D7 - G

Great write Dan, it doesn't take a genius to know that. Nicely done.

Hi Dan. You have a sweet sad love song. I can see potential with this song--nice melody. I would however, like to hear you lower the key a notch to bring the chorus more in your comfort range vocally.

I would make a melodic and perhaps a verbal "pace" tweak with the 2nd line of the bridge which could dramatize and add a bit more emmotion within statement. The first line of bridge launches the bridge fine and the last two lines finish very well--IMHO, the 2nd line (music-wise) I think would benefit from a tweak.

Many folks could relate to this song unfortunately, I would like hearing some subtle harmonies in key areas as well if you take it another step in production. Nice write!

steady-eddie.

(follow-up) The Bridge starts with same chords as chorus, which can make it feel less like a bridge--rearranging the chord order slightly could perhaps be an option. It sounds well, but one purpose of a bridge is to offer a change of pace and melody from the chorus. Having said this, every artist can do as they please, and rules are meant to be broken right? I'll get back to ya.

steady-eddie.

MFB, Thanks for your comment. Always good to hear from you.

Eddie, Thanks. You make some valid points. The chorus is really out of my range. Lowering the key might be the solution. Or finding a better singer. This is probably as far as I'll take this one. It works to demonstrate the song to anyone who might listen. There's no market for songs unless you're a performer, which I'm not. Once I get a respectable demo made, they go up on the shelf and I move on to the next one.

I really enjoyed the melody and how your lyric made the melody shine. I know you said 'crooner', but believe it or not, I heard Kris Kristofferson or Willie Nelson doing this in the way only those two can take a song make it theirs....

Thanks for posting it.

Fred, Thanks so much for the more than kind words. Kristofferson and Willie Nelson are in my top 10 Songwriters Hall of Fame (in no particular order add: Bob Dylan, Shel Silverstein, John Prine, Billy Joe Shaver, Mickey Newbury, Brian Wilson, John Lennon, Hank Williams (aka Luke the Drifter) and the team of Leiber-Stoller. Willie's a phenomenal song interpreter. I can hear his version of this song in my head. I like his version better.

Hi Richard,
Try this in the chorus:


why dont you just come out and say
you dont love me anymore

Good song though.

Vernon

this is really nice Dan!I like the feel of it.Mike

This is a mighty fine written song. Some good suggestions above (like with the bridge), but it is also fine as is.

Sounds like you are doing a great job performing this one!

Vernon, Thanks for the comments and suggestion. If I delete "If" from the title and chorus - so it reads "You don't love me anymore" - it would change the meaning of the song entirely. I'd hate to do that.

Lynn, Thanks for the effusive praise and the 17 point headline. Thanks for all the suggestions too. Your points about the phrasing are well taken. In fact, on the line in the 2nd verse I was intending to sing "You don't bother to hide" but I came in too early and had to stretch it to "disguise" on the fly. A better singer would do a better job phrasing on the whole song. As well as hit the high notes cleaner.

The martyr line is in the bridge. I'm still debating the exact wording of the line, but for now it is as it is. Structurally, I don't over-analyze things much. Verse, chorus, bridge. I try to put in whatever it feels like the song needs and let others decide what to call the sections.

Your arrangement suggestions are all valid. There's a lot of ways to doll up a song. I think the basics of this one are pretty well set. There's probably a lot of different arrangements that would work. The one I put out as a rough demo is usually determined by my primitive instrumental ability and how much vocal control I can manage for 3 minutes. I just hope the song is better than my demonstration of it.

Kevin, those were mighty nice things you said. Thank you.

This is gorgeous, Dan - every line counts. My favorite part of the lyric is the bridge. Personally, I wouldn't change a word there. Agree with Eddie that starting it with a different chord would maybe set it off a bit better.

Great melody here - perfect for the lyric!

Scott

When the Mayor of Kingdom City gives a song his Imprimatur, that's as good as the Pope's blessing to me. Thanks, Scott. And good luck with the mastering on the project! I still think you should get the Key to Kingdom City, MO.

Very pretty and soulful song Dan.
Vic

Hi,

VERY NICELY DONE, sounds sincere/real !!

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Vic and Calvin, Thank you, gentlemen.

Dan, This is just a beautiful piece.
The simplicity of the song is it's strength, so don't muck around with it too much.
Just play it from time to time, even after you've moved on to the next songs and changes will organically present themselves.
I hope this isn't one of those songs that you put on the shelf and move on from.
I love what you've done here and as always your soulful delivery sell it. The chorus is off the charts and filled with heart break.
Bridges are so damn hard for me but I agree with Eddie just shuffle the chords around a bit.
I tried using Bb F Bb F and your ending four chords , E Am D7 G.

What a heart wrenching tune, my friend.

Nelson, I greatly appreciate the encouragement from a great artist and songwriter like yourself. Sometimes a song kind of drops in your lap. Which is what it feels like happened with this one. I promise not to muck around with it too much.

Hi Dan,

This is really cool...love the sound you've got going here!

Lisa

Thanks, Lisa. That was nice of you to say.

Hi Dan, I liked the song and the topic is pretty universal so almost all listeners can relate to it. I know you just wrote this. I hear a melancholy fiddle playing along on the verses. I'd bring the harmonica back in on the chorus. I love your verse: "Don't play the role of martyr/Or betray me with a kiss/I've survived heartache before/And stronger storms than this".
I'd make the lyrics more conversational to a make the song even more personal. I also wanted resolution to situation. Does he leave, does he kick her out? Do they make up? I've made a few lyric edits below. Keep or sweep. Thanks for sharing. Nice job.

You don't seem to care for me
You seem so far away
And when I'm talking to you
You almost look the other way

I'm not a genius
But I've figured out the score
Just come out and say it:
You don't love me anymore

You keep your thoughts hidden
But I can see them in your eyes
And indifference you show me
You hardly bother to disguise

I'm not a genius
But I've figured out the score
Just come out and say it:
You don't love me anymore

Don't play the martyr
Or betray me with a kiss
I've survived heartache before
And stronger storms than this

I'd like an explanation
I need a reason why
Don't waste your breath with lies
I can see with my own eyes

I'm not a genius
But I've figured out the score
Just come out and say it:
You don't love me anymore

EJ, Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Your suggestion about more conversational lyrics is sound in a general sense. That's by the book and I usually follow that rule. But sometimes you have to bend the rules to tell the story. I also understand your wanting to see a resolution to the story. But for me, that would ruin the song, it would be a different song entirely.

I did fix that first line in the bridge you liked. "Don't play the role of martyr" was just a place holder until I figured out how to say it the way I wanted to. It was awkward and wooden. I finally found the words I was looking for a few days ago: "Don't pretend to be a martyr/ or betray me with a kiss." It's a syllable longer but you just come in a beat sooner on the chord change.

Hi Dan. I didn't read any of the reviews because I didn't want my listen here to be influenced at all. This is just a terrific little tune that is expertly written and rendered and I was genuinely touched by it. I honestly would change a thing. I love the simple arrangment and your heartfelt vocals. Your rhymes are all golden and a favorite line is difficult here but I especially loved "I survived heartache before and stronger storms than this."

Awesome job. It ready to be performed and appreciated.

Bobby, Thanks. That's quite a compliment. Appreciate it. I like your songs too.

Really nice, Dan. Pretty melody that fits the mood of an excellently tight lyric. Good for you, man. I like the simplicity of the song. It would be interesting to hear this with a complete arrangement for a band or orchestra behind this. Don't worry about the vocal, the song is strong enough to relay how it might sound in complete demo form.

Stevie

Stevie, Thanks for the kind words. I can hear how this would sound with a full arrangement, it's just that my musical talent isn't up to the translation. I'm pleased with how well it's been received here at JPF.

I love this tune !!

Cheers
Paul

Hey Dan,

What a great write. A pretty sad song lyrically, but a very relatable one for sure. I agree with your thoughts that this should be a 1 +1 piano song. In my opinion, no need to spruce it up. It is a tender song that shouts out for a minimalist production. I think of Adele's Someone Like You (not melodically), when I hear this. It is similar concept wise (lost love) and I see similar production value. That song is basically some minimal piano and just one of the most incredible vocals I have ever heard.

Anyway, I really liked this song alot. Great write.

Dave

Hi Dan,

I like the music to this, good match to the lyric.

The only line I'd consider changing is the first one. I don't think it's a strong enough opening line. Perhaps:
When I reach out for you
You always seem so far away

This is universal and classic. It feels like it could have been written 40 years ago...or 2 days ago.

I enjoyed the harmonica.

Paul, That's the supreme compliment. Thank you.

Dave, I was just hammering chords on the keyboard. Somebody who knows his way around the piano could make a nice arrangement. I listened to the Adele song you mentioned. What a voice she's got! What phrasing and tone. She's got it all.

Vondelle, Thank you for the kind remarks. It's gratifying to see all the support this song has generated.

Reads & Sounds like a Soulfully-Sad HIT, Brother Danny!!!

Sounds like it's Worth gettin' a Pro Demo put-together to do it Justice.

I wasn't originally Attracted to this'n' because of what read like a kinda-Mundane Hook.

But, Amigo, ya Nailled Me after One-Listen. Great Song..on its way Up! VERY Universal Circumstance...Most listeners have already Been-There...& Gawd is it Ever-SAD!!! (& Nightclubs playin'-it'll LOVE watchin' the Suds Sales go UP after it's been-played!!!)

CONGRATS Dan!!! Good Luck with it, Buddy!!!

Best New-Week-Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Stan the Man, Thanks for the glowing endorsement. When you suggest it's worth a pro demo, that says a lot. I do appreciate it.

You're right about the title being pretty pedestrian. But I'm glad you took a listen and didn't judge the book by its cover. Thanks again.

hey Dan as appreciation for all your comments on my end, i am bumping this great song back up the charts for some more good listening, hang on top floor's a coming up.~~~Matt

DAN--

I MUST'VE MISSED THIS ONE--THE WEEK OF OUR CRUISE!

WELL, IT'S MY KIND OF SONG--A LITTLE RAW, BUT PULLING THE HEART STRINGS--

IT MAY BE ONE OF YOUR BEST!

WRITE ON--

Mackie

Hey Dan- If you ever think about doing a co write. I really like this and could do a real bang up country version. Let me know if you're ever interested-Bobby

Matt, Thanks for the boost.

Mackie, Thanks. Yeah, I think you were riding the Caribbean waves when I came up with this one.

Bobby Earl, Thanks. I don't doubt you could dress this one up fine and slap a bow on top! I sent you a PM.

Dan,

I love this lyric!! It was so tastefully written. I have a special place for "love gone south" songs. When I heard this I immediately thought of another favorite singer songwriter from Asheville, NC named David Wilcox. He had a tune off of his 2d album, How Did You Find Me Here (which for me is probably a top 10 album for me of all time)entitled Common as The Rain, which has a similar lyrical message. I am posting it here because as soon as I heard this I thought of that song (not melody wise, just similar story in the lyric) ....

Common As The Rain
David Wilcox

The night before she's leaving there's suddenly a change
She slowly sits beside me and she softly calls my name.
And gives me an address, and she says, "Come visit soon."
And yesterday she wouldn't notice that I was in the room.

I guess she stayed awake 'cause it's so hard for her to say
We both had built our hopes up, but the love just slipped away.
She's worried I might try to burden her with all the blame
For breaking up my heart as if she had planned it from the start
'Cause that's the way some people do.
Oh, but I have been on her side of it, too,

So I said, "Don't feel ashamed, don't feel guilty for the pain.
Sometimes you build your hopes up and you fall back down again.
The time we had was magic, and the love was not in vain.
Falling down's as common as the rain.

Something about me leaves you cold something even you don't know.
Don't think that it's wrong to go `cause of what we had before.
Just leave me with those magic times; I'd rather keep you on my mind
Then see you try to fake the feelings, trying not to be unkind.

And I don't feel ashamed or feel guilty for the pain
Sometimes you build your hopes up and you fall back down again.
The time we had was magic, and the love was not in vain.
Falling down's as common as the rain.

The only thing for certain is that nothing stays the same.
Falling down's as common as the rain.


If any have not heard this song, take a listen. I am sure you will enjoy.

Anyway, beautiful write, Dan. I would love to hear this in a nicely produced version. It may make the top 10 list, as well.

Dave

Dave, I'd never heard "Common Rain," but I listened to it and I did enjoy it. I hadn't heard of David Wilcox, but it looks like he's made a name for himself in the music business. And thanks for your nice words about the song.