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Mirror Mirror
Copyright 2003
Paul T Wentworth (Olivercreak.com)

V1
Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
Tell me why she’s in love with me

Chorus
Mirror am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
Mirror Mirror do I turn and run
Or Stay and be someone that she can love

V2
Mirror your looking at a stupid man
Who doubts what he holds in his own two hands
Why did she show me all her cards
Why do I make this love so hard

Chorus

Mirror show me how I play this game
Show me what to do and what to say
Its getting closer to me every day
The time to tell her yes or pull away

Chorus

Hey Paul,

I like it, standing there looking at yourself trying to look for what she see's. Should I stay or should I go... Love is so hard to explain.. Good Luck.
Thanks, Hillery

------------------

Paul,
This was OK, but it really didn't grab me right off. I don't know why, it seems well written, but something's keeping me from liking it alot. Maybe the chorus needs more of a tag or hook, but what do I know. Just trying to help . . .
-slogdog

Paul,
I think I have your mirror. Every time I look in it, I see the stupid man too.

Hello "Slog": Yeah it was a simply written song. I think you are on to something. I think I got the universal male fear part right but I think I agree with you that I may need to punch up the chorus a bit. I have 2 different melodies for it. I like the song personally with either melody. Obviously you cant get the full apprecation until you hear it with some chords and melody. THink I'll work on the chorus.

Thanks....PTW

I did a little rewrite on the song (Check the chorus)

Mirror Mirror
Copyright 2003
Paul T Wentworth (Olivercreak.com)
V1
Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
Tell me why she’s in love with me

Chorus
Mirror am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
Mirror why do I want to turn and run
Why am I afraid to fall in love

V2
Mirror do I see a stupid man
Who doubts what he holds in his own two hands
What did I do to make her open her heart
Why am I making this love so hard

Chorus

Mirror show me how I play this game
Show me what to do and what to say
Its coming closer to me every day
Soon it will be too late to pull away

Chorus

Tom: Don't be too hard on yourself. It may be a gene we all share or something. Thanks for your comment.

Hey Paul,

I like the rewrite. I think it conveys the sentiment of insecurity we guys have at times very well.

I liked the original last four lines better though.

"Mirror show me how I play this game
Show me what to do and what to say
Its coming closer to me every day
Soon it will be too late to pull away"

The last line in particular is not as effective in saying what I think is "I need to know how to become what she sees before I make a commitment to her"

I don't have any suggestions, but this is the only spot I saw that wasn't as effective as the others.

Good luck with it

Thanks,

Steve


------------------
www.bordercrossingmusic.com

Paul- I like it - I really like it. I like your original chorus better - but the hole concept of the song I like alot- don't know how it should be sung but the way i sang it it sounded good to me.

sorry i meant whole concept-oops!

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to critique this song. You have pushed me to write a better lyric, I believe here is a new rewrite.

Thankyou to the following folks for some incitefull comments, becaue it incited me to stretch just a little more.
Thanks to:
Hillary, Just Plain Steve, Stargazer, Slogdog, Tom

CHeck it out:

Mirror Mirror
Copyright 2003
Paul T Wentworth (Olivercreak.com)
V1
Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
Tell me why she’s in love with me

Chorus
Mirror am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
Mirror why do I want to turn and run
Why am I afraid to fall in love

V2
Mirror do I see a stupid man
Who doubts what he holds in his own two hands
What did I do to make her open her heart
Why am I making this love so hard

Chorus

Mirror show me how the game is played
Show me what to do and what to say
Its Time to set the love inside me free
Time to become the man she sees in me

You're trying to rhyme more than you are trying to be honest.

Say what you mean in YOUR words.. not because they rhyme!

I think you may have over-used the word mirror so that it loses it's affect.
And can a mirror stare at you?

I know you're using the the disney theme but... Michael jackson twisted it with..

I'm looking at the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways

that was kewl.

also please consider how melodic a singer can sing the words, MIRROR MIRROR without tripping over their tongue. (smile)

If you're talking to yourself... in the lyric... perhaps you don't need to reference the mirror so much until the end... You might write it like you're talking to a friend.. and let the listener find out in the end that you're talking to the mirror.

Just a thought.

(p.s. I don't critique things unless I like them already... so you've got a great idea here... keep stretching) (smile)




[This message has been edited by redwriter1 (edited 08-09-2003).]

Paul...

The rewrite is good, but I will have to agree with red when she say's "mirror" was a little over used...I liked the idea of saving the mirror for the end...but it's a great idea for a song...
keep writing...keep smiling...
SongMom

Well I hope I didn't throw the baby out with the bath water. I did a major rewrite of the song (see below). I may of overdone it but it was worth exploring another path. Let me know wbat you think.

Who I see

Copyright 2003
Paul T. Wentworth
V1
I been watching as you’re watching me
Expecting that I’ll see who I want to be
I think its all a figment in her dreams
I can’t believe the man she loves is me

Chorus 1
Tell me am I in some other world
To doubt the sweet love of this girl
Why do I see somebody about to run
Show me how to return her love

V2
I gotta be some kind of crazy man
To question what I got in my two hands
Why did she open up her heart
Why do I make her love so hard

Chorus 1

V3
I been staring at you, mirror, and
I keep seeing the same man I am
I guess I Can’t be noone else but me
I think she’ll love me no matter what I see

Chorus2
Mirror you’re looking a at happy man
Who knows he’s gonna go snd make a stand
I won’t let fear get the best of me
She’s got the love to set my spirit free

Paul...good rewrite, however just my opinion, but I think the title should be in the chours somewhere...

Also, watch your rhyming schemes...try to keep them different in each verse, but in the same spot in each verse...if lines one and two in verse 1 rhyme, then use a different rhyme in verse 2 lines one and two...then in the chorus make the rhyme scheme differnt make lines one and 3 or whatever...

By no means am I any kind of pro song writer, in fact I don't do alot of in depth critiques because I feel that I don't know enough about songwriting to give them... these are tips that have been noted to me in the past...so keep or sweep, as the saying gose...but great rewrite...I played with V1 and the chours a little hope you don't mind...

SongMom....Lisa

Copyright 2003
Paul T. Wentworth
V1
I been watching you watching me
Expecting I’ll see who I want to be
Is it figment of my dreams
Can the man she loves be the one I see

Chorus 1
Mirror, mirror
Tell me how in the world
Could I dought the love of this girl
Why dose this man want to run
Mirror, mirror
Help me show her how I love

SOng Mom: Please keep on giving your critiques. You have good instincts as far as I'm concerned. I'm just trying to learn like the rest. I like your changes I am going to consider them seriously. They may be a little different in the next rewrite but they'll be there cause they make sense.

Regards Paul T

I loved this song before the re-write and liked the original chorus better

Mirror am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
Mirror Mirror do I turn and run
Or Stay and be someone that she can love

If you want to re-work the last line, maybe:

'Or stay and be the one she'll love'
'Or stay and earn this woman's love'

y

you sould know that this is not going to go nowhere because there is already a song like this writern by john lennon. mirror mirror (on the wall) wich is a fantastic dark masterpiece. also you will have copyright troubles with the title.

the lyrics played on piano

sometimes i look in the mirror
and there's nobody there
but i just keep on stareing
and stareing
oh can it be, can it be, can it be,

and then i look at the mirror
there's nobody there
but i just keep on
stareing, stareing,
oh is it me, is it me, is it me.

Titles are not copyrightable, and I don't think the song you quoted is saying the same thing at all.

------------------
http://www.geocities.com/leanne47960/page1.html

Hi Paul,

Thought I'd commented on this before but guess not.

Leanne is right...titles can't be copyrighted. Diamond Rio has a song titled "Mirror, Mirror" and it's probably been done by a lot of other folks. Anymore, if I think I have a killer title and then find it's already been done, I just leave it be unless I just HAVE to write it. My advice: keep working this but find a more unique title. The idea is good!

Thanks SOngbird and Leanne and what the hell, Jools(is that short for Julian?....Nah can't be) too. Thanks Jools cause I don't believe I have heard that song before and its typical Lennon, Unique Genius Lyrics. If I could only write half as good. Yeah I think we all have heard of different songs with same titles, so s'no big thing. Good to know though. When I come up with a title and I know its been used before, I better hope I can try to write something as good or bettr than the origingal song. Hopefully this song when it is finished will be good cause I think Im stayin with the title.

sorry i did not mean to come on here all negative saying that you got no chance with the song. i was just saying that there would be compitition (spelling) with the other songs with that title. and as lennon wrote one. its a hard thing to beat. anyway i like youre song but i do think the first one was better before you done the rewrite. anywas yes jools is short for julian my name is julian sean tibble. and i was namend after lennon's kids. strang lol.

i have been reading some of your stuff and its good. keep going.

and yes everyone does wish they could write as good as lennon. but it is hard to beat a genius. i would just love to say hello to everyone on here. and i look forward to some interesting things to come from you people.

Hey Paul, I like your lyrics, Cool imagery using reflections from a mirror, reflections of our being, cool, Steve

No probem on my end Jools. Welcome to the board. And thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it. But then it passes and I start writing with a vengence. Glad you liked my stuff. More is on the way. Stay tuned and try posting someting or just keep reading.
All the best....Paul

I like the rewrite

Mirror Mirror
Copyright 2003
Paul T Wentworth (Olivercreak.com)
Rewrite

V1
Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
I need to know why she’s in love with me

Chorus
I wonder am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
why do I want to turn and run
Why am I afraid to release my love
V2
Mirror do I see a stupid man
To c doube what I hold in my own two hands
How did I make her open her heart
Why do I make this love so hard

Chorus

Mirror show me how the game is played
Show me what I need to do and say
Time is quickly closing in on me
Soon I have to tell her how I feel

Paul & Tom don't be so hard on yourselves, believe it or not my mirror is similiar..lol. Paul I agree with the sentiment that the last four lines are really great! I would choose to use them for the chorus also. Really a very good song I think, keep up the hard work!
And keep smiling!
take care,
~Sammi
www.LyricsandPoemsbySammi.com

hey... I like the latest rewrite... good stuff...

did someone already ask what style this is and what style you usually do?

Unwanted: My style is a little bit of everything You can get a good idea of how I sound by visiting my site at:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/3/paultwentworthmusic.htm

I appreciate you comments on my lyrics and please feel free to say how you feel about my demos

I see this is about a man afraid to show his feelings because he feels he doesn't know what he did to deserve this woman?

And if he tells her, what is afraid will happen? I think that's a major point that is not addressed in your lyric.

SHE LOVES ME, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I WON'T TELL HER HOW I FEEL, I DON'T KNOW WHY

Well if HE doesn't know, who does??

I , personally, would rather here the story behind the song and how he's tried to tell her and why he doesn't and then you'll have to resolve the conflict somehow. Does he tell her or not?? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!

Great idea, just be careful not to make the guy seem to whimpy or who would want to sing it? (wink)

Red: Don't know why I didn't think of this a while ago. You hit the nail on the head. Soon as I read your critique, an idea occurred. I think I see how the song is centrating on only one feeling: guy type fear of commitment, which is okay to sing about but not for 3 verses, so based on what you said, I have reworked song and it feels like its more of a story song than just a spotlight on one feeling. THis still needs another rewrite, but its almost finished.

Sammi; THankyou for you're comments I tired switching the chorus as you suggested, but it didn't seem to work for me.

Humble thanks and Respect for both your talents, and hope I can help you as much as you are helping me....Paul

Paul

Mirror Mirror
Copyright 2003
Paul T Wentworth (Olivercreak.com)
Rewrite Again
V1
Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
I need to know why she’s in love with me

Chorus
I wonder am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
why do I want to turn and run
Why am I afraid that I'm falling in love

V2
Mirror do I see a stupid man
To doubt what's there in his own two hands
What did I do to make her open her heart
Why am I making this love so hard

Chorus

Mirror show me how the game is played
What do I do, What do I say
Time is quickly closing in on me
Soon It will be to late to turn away

I stand in front of you every day
Work out each word that I'm gonna say
Each day that goes by, I'm feeling sure
I need you more that the day before

Chorus

Mirror I can see a lonely man
Who wants to love some one the best he can
I need to give her all I have
Let her know that she drives me mad.

You're getting more to the point yipee!!!

Keep in mind "mirror" songs can be "over-done"... And I'm not so sure you even want that in your title for the sake of .. well... I think I've heard all the MIRROR songs I'd like too.. haha

I like the way you added the part about "practicing" in front of the mirror.. which is a REAL image the listener can picture in their mind.

I might want to play around with the hook/title a bit more to give your chorus something with a little more MEAT on it.
Maybe, something he says to himself?

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"
"WHAT KIND OF MAN "IN LOVE" ARE YOU?"
"WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN ME?"

HERE'S SOME LINE BY LINE THOUGHTS:::::
::::::::::::::::::::

Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me who it is she really sees
Is it real or is it all a dream
(is this real love or is it all a dream)
otherwise we don't know what IT is.

I need to know why she’s in love with me
(to this line I would say. "why NOT you?")
Why does the singer think he's so awful someone can't fall in love with him?


Chorus
I wonder am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
( i like this line alot!)
(he's saying.. how can she just jump right in and say she loves me.. without being afraid?)


why do I want to turn and run
Why am I afraid that I'm falling in love

(I DON'T KNOW,, WHY "DO" YOU WANT TO TURN AND RUN? )

V2
Mirror do I see a stupid man
To doubt what's there in his own two hands
What did I do to make her open her heart
Why am I making this love so hard

(here he's saying.. you dumb@ss, what are you waiting for, girls like her don't just fall out of the sky) But then you go back to the What did I do part... which through me off)

Chorus

Mirror show me how the game is played
What do I do, What do I say
Time is quickly closing in on me
Soon It will be to late to turn away

(I think this is repeating what you've already said.. you need to move the story forward.. like "she's on her way over to my house and etc. etc)

I stand in front of you every day
Work out each word that I'm gonna say
Each day that goes by, I'm feeling sure
I need you more that the day before
(IT SOUNDS HERE LIKE HE'S SAYING HE NEEDS THE "MIRROR").. watch those pronouns<< hehehe


Chorus

Mirror I can see a lonely man
(HOW CAN YOU BE LONELY WHEN SOMEONE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU?)

Who wants to love some one the best he can
I need to give her all I have
Let her know that she drives me mad

(I'D SAVE THE ENDING FOR WHAT HE ACTUALLY ENDS UP SAYING TO HER)



[This message has been edited by redwriter1 (edited 10-15-2003).]

Red: thankyou for the comments. I read them over a few times. I finally gave the guy some "cojones" if you get my drift. the words below were a great help
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"
"WHAT KIND OF MAN "IN LOVE" ARE YOU?"
"WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN ME?"

What/ Who do I see

Mirror Mirror staring back at me
Tell me what she really sees in me
Can this be real love or is all my dreams
I need to know why she’s in love with me


Chorus
Mirror why am I the crazy one
To doubt what she’s so certain of
What's making me want to turn and run
THink I'm gettng close to falling in love


V2
MIrror I'm staring at a stupid man
To doubt what's there in his own two hands
I'm Hesitating at her heart's open door
What the hell am I waiting for

Chorus

Last night I stood in front of you
Practiced what I planned to do
Worked out each word that I was gonna say
But It don't make not difference, cause its okay


Chorus
Todays the day, I'm feeling sure
I need her more that the day before
Not Sure I know how the game is played
But It don't matter cause I'm not turnin away

Chorus

Mirror I'm saying good bye to you
The man you see found his dream come true
You been a help but now I must go
ANd tell the woman that I love her so


( wondering's No more am I the lonely one
Cause when all is said and done
Gonna love her with all I have
Tell her how much she drives me mad)


[This message has been edited by Paul T Wentworth (edited 10-20-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Paul T Wentworth (edited 10-20-2003).]

Hi Paul, I like your rewrite, all of them actually, lol, guess I just really like the whole idea of this song. The only suggestion I have is to clean up your double negatives I used caps in perenthesis to show you where...

V2
MIrror I'm staring at a stupid man
To doubt what's there in his own two hands
I'm Hesitating at her heart's open door
What the hell am I waiting for

Chorus

Last night I stood in front of you
Practiced what I planned to do
Worked out each word that I was gonna say
But It don't(DOESN'T) make not(A) difference, cause its okay


Chorus
Todays the day, I'm feeling sure
I need her more that the day before
Not Sure I know how the game is played
But It don't(DOESN'T) matter cause I'm not turnin away (GONNA STAY or STAYING ANYWAY)

Chorus

Mirror I'm saying good bye to you
The man you see found his dream come true
You(YOU'VE) been a help but now I must go
And tell the woman that I love her so


wondering's No more(NO MORE WONDERING) am I the lonely one
Cause when all is said and done
Gonna love her with all I have
Tell her how much she drives me mad


those are really the only suggestions I have, only grammatical changes, I think you've done a great job!
~Sammi

Great re-write!!!!
clap clap clap....

you put a lot more hope and positives in there... makes the listener wanna root for the guy.... !!! yipeee

I'm glad I could help...!

I love the part in the end where he tells the mirror he doesnt' need it anymore...
(great idea)