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I AM LOOKING FOR A MUSICIAN...what else is new?

This is my 60th song on SoundClick that I have posted in my 14 months of songwriting and I would like to celebrate with a little music!! Please??

I chorded my lyric and am playing it badly on my autoharp to give the best idea that I can of the melody of this song.

I think this song is catchy, I have assured my children that it isn't about the literal act of drowning and they love singing it.

I think this is a good pop/rock, current song and NO, I can't play and sing it at the tempo that it should be at. I can provide the chords and am easy to work with, but I would love to hear this with music if anyone is interested. (Umm, and selfishly, I want to sing it...)


WATCH ME DROWN on SoundClick


Watch Me Drown
Tammy
© 2010

(verse)
trapped on a raft that's barely floating
tossed upon the sea
wait for rescue and hardly coping
no one misses me

(verse)
looking for a place to keep me safe
somewhere on your shore
left bruised and battered by waves of ache
I'd never felt before


(chrous)
Help me
why can't you see
that I can no longer breathe

Please try
keep me alive
it's not time to say goodbye

you'll take my raft, push me down
then stand around
and watch me drown


(verse)
take one more breath, I am sinking fast
I'm barely alive
reach out to me, a life-saving grasp
help me to survive

(verse)
my heart is empty, there's no more light
my body turns cold
pulled to the bottom, I've lost the fight
lost and all alone


(chrous)
Help me
why can't you see
that I can no longer breathe

Please try
keep me alive
it's not time to say goodbye

you'll take my raft, push me down
then stand around
and watch me drown


(bridge)
swimming towards the light of the next day
is this the end of my plight, have I been saved
there's solid ground that I can stand upon
I've found my own way even though you're gone


(chrous)
Help me
why can't you see
that I can no longer breathe

Please try
keep me alive
it's not time to say goodbye

you'll take my raft, push me down
then stand around
and watch me drown

Tammy: Nice story. I notice that you use "raft" in the first verse, as a metaphor for a relationship. And then, you repeat it in the choruses. What popped into my head was "You take my hope, push me down" . . . I'm not even sure that it's better . . . but everyone has hope . . . not too many people have rafts.
I'm rambling, nice effort.
Ott

Thanks for listening Ott. The raft is more of a metaphor for her self esteem/sense of self, the person she wants to save her doesn't try and in the process, takes what little faith in herself she holds onto to survive and helps her drown, but in the bridge, she finds her way back and stands on her own, she has found a belief in herself before she hits the bottom. Believe me, if someone breaks your spirit and puts you down on a daily basis, you begin to drown.

I'm not correting you, just telling you what I wrote about. Always appreciate the listen Ott and your advice!

Tammy

You got me hooked straight away - great title/hook. Just one note: I'd leave the two 'l' (i.e. the future tense) out in the chorus: "you take my raft, push me down" so it goes together with the bridge. I've not listened yet, but I will.

Cheers,
Bernd

Hi Tammy,

At first it was hard for me to follow the verse melody. I realize it is tough with just guitar backup. After a couple of listens I really started to like the chorus melody alot.

I hope you find someone to help with the music. I would love to hear how it turns out. (wishin I could help )

good luck,
glen

So Tammy, it's your 'Diamond' anniversary.. congrats

Seriously, I like what you have done here although 1 line does not work for me at all.

'left bruised and battered by waves of ache'

Just dosn't seem to be gramatically correct Tammy.

maybe a suggestion KOS

looking for a place to keep me safe
somewhere on your shore
Cos I’m feeling deep hurting ache
I haven’t felt before

Maybe it's me though.

Anyway I do like it and will follow your progress

God Bless Roy and Helen

Tammy,
I like the melody of this one, especially through the chorus. I guess I am not sold on the lyrics. I understand where you headed with the idea of self esteem and hurt, but the way it is presented, it is easy to take this very literally like you are actually drowning out at sea. Even your mention of having to explain that to your kids suggests that. I guess I am thinking that you might need to throw in a couple of lines about a failed relationship or someone cutting you down - whatever the underlying message is that you are trying to get across. Does that make sense? Once again it has a Joni Mitchell feel about it that I really like. I find it to be refreshing.

Tracy

Tammy: happy 60th song! Send me the chord chart and the lyrics and I'll see what I can do.

Kevin

Bernd,

Excellent point and thank you, I'm taking that out, appreciate it!!

Tammy

Glen,

Thanks for the listen, it is an autoharp and I've never played an instrument before and just got it for Christmas, so I am expecting a lot from folks to tolerate me in these learning stages, glad you stuck with it.

Tammy

Hey Tammy,

I think it sounds good, I have a couple of suggestions just to make it a little clearer, kos of course.

verse)
trapped on a raft that's barely floating
tossed upon the sea
waiting for rescue and hardly coping
no one misses me

(verse)
looking for a place to keep me safe
somewhere on your shore
You left me bruised and with an ache
left bruised and battered by waves of ache
I've never felt before

Dottie

Roy,

Thanks for always listening, appreciate it.

I honestly won't change that line unless there is a way to say the exact same thing that also fits the beat of the music, I will keep an open eye, but I will be very picky because I know what it says and it means something, but I do understand what you are saying and I'm not telling you that I'm not considering it.

Tammy

Tammy thats really fine. We all think differently lol.

My suggestions are always use loose or abuse.

I will say that when sung, it works. Just me being picky I think.

Good luck with it and God Bless from me and Helen.

ps. will be posting a couple of my news ones (demos) shortly. Please keep a look out.

Roy,

I love you for being so involved and know I appreciate it and am not intending to be argumentative, I would consider changing it, but it would have to mean the same thing, promote the same visual idea and meet the meter of the line.

This line is intending to show waves...the ocean waves beating repeatedly upon oneself could leave you bruised and battered, the waves of someone berating you and promoting that mental abuse will leave you bruised and battered, I would need to re-create that idea if the line is changed, your line takes out the ocean reference.

I know it is difficult but I want this lyric to come across two ways..I DO want people to think it is about literal drowning, because it IS

I also want them to read it closer and see it is about mental abuse from ANYONE who picks, takes away your self esteem, whether it is a family member, friend or ad on television.

So, please understand that I am not disregarding your suggestion, it just isn't giving me the "waves" idea as well.

Thank you Roy, I will check out your work, just keep reminding me, I'm a scatter-brained mommy...LOL!!

Tammy

Post deleted by Roy Cooper

I like it. I think it could be done if a few styles from rocking to pop ish

Hi Tammy. I like the direction you are going in this song. The song structure really catches my eye, and my ears too. I think you would do well writing more songs similar to this. I like the melody, which is unique. Some songs could have more complex melody, with similar structure.

The lyrics in this song are a little too metaphoric for me. And I noticed you used the words, me, I, and my a lot. So, when you're writing for an audience, those are words you should use only as a last resort. Otherwise the song turns out to be sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing that might not spark the listener's attention. Your first verse is a perfect example of the best type of writing. The first verse provokes the listener to visualize, and to conjur up his/her own emotions. Later the song tell us what you are feeling, so we have to leave our cozy little dream, and empathize. The latter type of writing, is a far less effective.

Like I said, I like this direction. Your autoharp is sounding great!

It's wonderful - I've only listened just now, you see. Beautiful melody. Never mind the crude accompaniment, that's quite okay, you get the idea.

Cheers (and congrats on your No. 60)
Bernd

Another nice one Tammy.

I like the chorus and the metaphors but as Tracy mentioned
you may need a few lines about the actual relationship, to add clarity, to why you're having the feeling you are describing, metaphorically.

I'm certain that made absolutely no sense at all but I won't allow myself to delete it. sorry

Oh yeah Joni Mitchell... that's who you remind of.

60 songs Holy Moly.

And you're just catching your stride... look out world.

Tammy, a good one to celebrate your 60th with... 60th song
that is, someone mentioned Joni Mitchell I think with a
little Alanis Morissette as well, looking forward to hearing
what Kevin does with it,

Tony.

I love it Tammy,

But of course, you knew that anyway. Your lyrics are getting better and better as you go on. It is hard to believe that you've only been writing for a little over a year now and playing for less than 6 months. You have wonderful music sense. The literal and metaphorical connotations are great. It is great the way the literal can draw you in and the metaphorical keeps you there. Keep it up. I expect that there is much more in your "goody bag" that has yet to be explored.

Danny

Tracy,

Thanks for always listening!

I explained that to my kids because they are kids and my son is autistic and metaphors are a bit beyond his understanding.

I want it to mean actual drowning and someone drowning because they don't believe in themselves and look to others for their self esteem and not have it within themselves to save themself and as women, we know that even our own family can chip away at that, as well as strangers, relationships and just those beautiful girls on t.v. and magazines. It is just a song I want people to see themselves in and I don't want to be specific and not allow it to mean something to anyone who listens to it.

I do appreciate your comments, I'm not disreguarding it, but I do have a goal, I love a song that can be taken many ways and allows thought and imagination.

Tammy

I'm never one to stifle creativity...if you've achieved the message you were looking for, then it is a success. I'm only one opinion!

Tracy, I do appreciate your opinon and you coming back in here, it means a lot!! Thanks!!

Tammy

Kevin,

You 'da Man!!!

You might make me howl just yet!! LOL!!

Tammy

Dottie,

The "waiting" suggestion is good, will consider...thanks girl, been missing you, hope all is good your way!!

Tammy

Hi Tammy,

The BIG SIX Oooooo.....good for you !!

I enjoyed the song.
Looking forward to the finished product.

THIS PART grabs ya !
wait for rescue and hardly coping
no one misses me

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Tammy, a lot of feeling and care in these lyrics - very well done...

Bob

I'd rather not....................watch you drown that is....But hey I love the song...you just get better and better, from the better you already were...once again you and I face that great dilemma, Music to go with songs we can't seem to play. But eventually even that comes around. Great stuff Tam.~~~~M~

Dave,

Yes, this song seemed like it had a few directions to it and I think that is a good thing, thanks for listening!!

Tammy

Kevin,

Always appreciate the advice and your thoughts. I am trying my hand at all styles. I am sure my problem is that I write for myself and sure that might not be the best for everyone, but at the moment, I'm the one that listens the most...LOL!! I hope the music carries everyone away and they will only be interested in rocking to the chorus!! I am practicing my guitar and autoharp every day, and I'm glad you notice my efforts!!

Thanks!!

Tammy

Tammy, I liked it. Got the metaphors easily enough. I personally think songs should have gobbs of metaphors. It makes the listener think. Songs like this do make you think. Perhaps the listener can apply your met. to their story? Tough for me to nit as my only child, a son drowned 5 years ago so any thing having to do with drowning is hard but I might say; "...Left bruised and battered by the waves of fate" or "Left bruised and battered on this ship of fate" or leave it alone cause it's no big deal !! I enjoyed Tammy !!

Darrell,

Thank you, I appreciate your listen and insight. I am sure the subject matter must have been difficult, I run into those times as well.

I want you to know that I lost my 7 year old son to Leukemia five years ago, so I suffer the same issues and sensitivities and understand you in that way.

I know what "Waves of ache are" in many instances, months living in a hospital watching children suffer and die, ache comes in waves and sometimes it will drown you, no one here will argue me out of it, I know it like I know my own soul.

Sending you a special thought, I know what it is like to be missing a piece of your heart.

Tammy

Thank You so much my dear, sweet, fellow human being !! May God heal you heart until you are with your child again.

Tammy, As I've told you before, I like the phrase,"waves of ache". It's perfect and gives the listener a vivid idea of what the singer/writer is going through emotionally. The song made sense to me, but I enjoy songs where the meaning isn't directly spelled out.

Darrell and Tammy,
The loss of a child must be the most difficult thing imaginable to go through. I've been very fortunate to not have experienced it myself but I know a little girl fighting a rare cancer and another customer who just lost his newborn. I even sketched a child for a customer which was very difficult for me. He was 10 when he shot and killed himself playing with a gun. At the time my son was that age.It was hard to finish the picture as I kept crying for this child I'd never met. May God bless you both and know that one day you will be reunited with your children. For now I believe they are watching over you and smiling.

Jennifer

Bernd,

Thank you for stopping back in sir, always appreciated, I'm glad you liked it!!

Tammy

Nelson,

You are so sweet and always put a smile on my face!, a good friend of mine said I sound like many people all coming together to make a Tammy, so don't be surprised, I might just soundd like a Tammy yet...LOL!!

Tammy

Tony,

I''ll take Alanis any day, but when the music is over, I'm just me...sigh!!

Yes, Kevin is wonderful, let's see what he does!!

Tammy

Danny,

Yes, I knew it, but I love to hear it again and again!!

Tammy

Calvin,

Always appreciate your take on things!!

One day I hope one of my lyrics inspires one of yours...you know, one with nothing naughty in it...but a Calvin lyric nonetheless!! LOL!!

Tammy

Robert,

That means a lot coming from such a good lyricist/musician as yourself!! Thanks for taking a listen!!

Tammy

M.

My friend, glad you liked it and we will see a day of great music for the songs we have shared, we just have to keep on believing!!

Tammy