Yours To Keep

Yours To Keep #88746 11/13/02 07:04 PM
Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York M Mary Gardner OP Serious Contributor
OP Mary Gardner Serious Contributor M Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York	Hey ya'll, This is a poem that a friend of mine turned over to me to convert to a song. This is a very rough first draft...lemme know what you think! Yours To Keep I wanna toast to the loneliness pull up a stool and sit with me forgot what number I'm on Think I lost count after three one for the tears I cried one for the pain I feel inside and one to drown the memories at night you'll be alright when you lay down to sleep thinkin the adverture is gone you realize you're wrong cuz the memories are still Yours to keep I've don't this before you can drink the pain away sit back and let the numbness get you through the darkest day one for the tears I cried one for the pain inside and one to drown the memories at night you'll be alright when you lay down to sleep thinkin the adverture is gone you realize you're wrong cuz the memories are still Yours to keep ____________________________________________ Let me know what you think, I'm grateful to anything....good or bad....it all helps! Thanks so much, Mary [This message has been edited by Mary Gardner (edited 11-13-2002).] Go Big or Go Home

Re: Yours To Keep #88747 11/13/02 08:07 PM
Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 370 NYC, NY S sweetsong Serious Contributor
sweetsong Serious Contributor S Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 370 NYC, NY	Hi, Mary! I've got a little trouble with the imagery There's a little flow problem to begin with. "Wash away the loneliness" goes into "what number I'm on - lost count after three" - I don't hear a connection. Contrast this to your following verse: I've don't this before you can drink the pain away sit back and let the numbness get you through the darkest day "drink" "pain" "numbness" have a more logical connection. Linda

Re: Yours To Keep #88748 11/13/02 09:55 PM
Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York M Mary Gardner OP Serious Contributor
OP Mary Gardner Serious Contributor M Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York	Linda, I see what you're saying about the imagery...and about how it doesn't really make sense. I'm going to work on that and then post the re-write...like I said a VERY rough first draft! Thanks for reading, Mary ------------------ "I don't love you enough to ask you to stay. But I love you too much to watch you walk away." Go Big or Go Home

Re: Yours To Keep #88749 11/14/02 08:42 AM
Joined: Oct 2002 Posts: 408 Mineola, Tx. R RRon Serious Contributor
RRon Serious Contributor R Joined: Oct 2002 Posts: 408 Mineola, Tx.	Hi New York Mary! You're a long way from Tampa! When I write one that I am not too happy with I always go back to the beginning. Here are some ideas for v1. v 1 I wanna toast to the loneliness pull up a stool and sit with me forgot what number I'm on Think I lost count after three *What is the significance of "loneliness"? I looked for the meaning later too. But, did not find it. And, line 2 appears to be begging for #1 spot imo. One other thought; when I think of stool, I think of bar. Especially in a lyric. So, it's hard to imagine "pulling up a stool". Unless of course it's King Kongy you're visiting with. Bye, Ron My SoundClick Site: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/ronboyte.htm

Re: Yours To Keep #88750 11/14/02 11:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 762 Olive Branch, MS, USA T teletwang Serious Contributor
teletwang Serious Contributor T Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 762 Olive Branch, MS, USA	Hi Mary, I'm just a dumb ole country boy . . . got a little lost on the story line. It would help me if I knew the answer to a few questions. 1. Is the singer toasting his/her own loneliness, and just looking for the singee to participate in drinking it away? 2. Is the singer toasting the loneliness of a friend (the singee), and giving advice about the effectiveness(or ineffectiveness) of drinking to get over it based on the singer's past experience? 3. Is the singer currently in a state of loneliness and inviting the singee, who's in the same state, to sit down and "let's drink it away together?" I'd probably favor #3, then v1 might go something like: "Let's raise a toast to our loneliness Grab a stool and sit down with me I forgot exactly what number I'm on Think I lost count after three" [note: in this next section I'd probably also count'em out] "one for the tears we cried two for the pain we feel inside and three to drown our memories" I don't know if this helps at all, but I think it might strengthen the song to pick one horse and ride it all the way through. Good luck with the re-write. Larry http://www.taylormadesongs.com

Re: Yours To Keep #88751 11/14/02 06:16 PM
Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York M Mary Gardner OP Serious Contributor
OP Mary Gardner Serious Contributor M Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York	Ron, Isn't that what I HAVE for verse one.....lol. And I'm not a FL girl anymore, I'm in New York! lol...but you knew that already...I got a great job and a chance to be close to NYC...so I took it!! Thanks as always for reading! Larry, THanks for the suggestions they always help...they make me think.. I'm glad that you read this and that you like it (sort of)!! Thanks so much, Mary Go Big or Go Home

Re: Yours To Keep #88752 11/18/02 12:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 370 NYC, NY S sweetsong Serious Contributor
sweetsong Serious Contributor S Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 370 NYC, NY	I think the changes you've made, especially in the first verse, are working well. Linda

Re: Yours To Keep #88753 11/18/02 04:05 PM
Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York M Mary Gardner OP Serious Contributor
OP Mary Gardner Serious Contributor M Joined: May 2001 Posts: 394 Garden City, New York	Thanks Linda, It's always nice to get a compliment!! Thanks for reading! Mary Go Big or Go Home

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