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Roy like that change in chorus...will do right away.
recently changed those two lines in first verse...because I think you said not fitting right age group...

THANKS SO MUCH, first a reading this lyric over, and secondly for suggestions.

I really worked hard on that verse 2; I really need to study, but with your input and Terry's I'm getting things.

Keep Posted please, need your feedback

Petra
Learning

This has been moving right along, so I didn't intend to chime in.
Oh well.
A couple of things I'll mention (see below).

Donna

Magic Lamp...Oh Magic Lamp
Grant us this one wish
Let's seal it with a kiss Suggest something stronger and fresher. This is a cliche.
My Magic Lamp

Verse 2:

I don't mind that old flannel nightgown
Or that the night cream you put on your face Try to avoid repeating words that are so close together (unless for special emphasis, which isn't required here). You've used the word 'night' three times in the first three lines.
I don't care you're a night owl
I EVEN GOT USED TO THAT...
I don't mind how you rack up the credit
To buy dresses to party in The sudden image of party dresses is at odds with the description of her in a flannel nightgown and face cream. If they party, that would already indicate their life isn't so humdrum. Unless she goes out and parties by herself, which would be a whole other story.
But I can't ignore this feel-ing
Some-thing is missing.

I feel the end rhymes in this verse need to be stronger.

Verse 2

You wrote:
I don't mind that old flannel nightgown
Or that night cream you put on your face
I don't care IF you're a night owl
I EVEN GOT USE TO THAT... (Or how you put me in my place-- something like that)

I don't mind how you rack up the credit
BUYING dresses to party in . . . . .(THIS WORKS WELL WITH "MISSING"
But I can't ignore this feel-ing
Some-thing is missing.

Your rhyme scheme is:
ABAC DEFE (Line two needs to rhyme with line 4) (lines 1 and 3 shouldn't)

SHOULD BE
RHYME SCHEME: ABCB DEFE
Like verse 1

Nightowl and nightgown is a clever idea!

Do you know how the rhyme scheme is figured out?
Line one is A
If line two rhymes with line A then it gets an A as well
If line 3 doesn't rhyme with line 1 or 2, then it gets a new letter that hasn't been used yet, like B
If the next line rhymes with the B line it gets a B too, but if not, it gets a C

etc., etc.

Cheers,
Terry

REVISION...IN PROGRESS...

Again, comments/suggestions...still needs work


u]IF I HAD MAGIC LAMP[/u]



V1

Honey I don't mind the hours spent on the truck
Or HOW YOU leave grease all over the place
I don't care you snore so loud waking me up
Even gotten use to that these days
I don't mind the note on the fridge
"ME AND The Boys Gone Fishing"
But I can't ignore this fee-ling
Some-thing is missing.


Chorus

If I had a Magic Lamp
I’d Weave a spell FOR two
Get us back on the track
Cos that’s way overdue . . .
I’d wish back those long walks
And talking right till dawn
Romantic meals with candle light
Having picnics on the lawn
If I had a Magic Lamp

Verse 2:

I don't mind how you can't cook worth beans
Or how you wear those jogging pants
I don't care how you wear that night cream
I EVEN GOTTEN USE TO THAT...
I don't mind how you rack up the credit
For one more thing we don't need
But I can't ignore this feel-ing
Some-thing is missing.

Chorus:

If I had a Magic Lamp
I’d Weave a spell FOR two
Get us back on the track
Cos that’s way overdue . . .
I’d wish back those long walks
And talking right till dawn
Romantic meals with candle light
Having picnics on the lawn
If I had a Magic Lamp


tag:

Magic Lamp...Oh Magic Lamp
Grant us this one wish
The passion that's been missing
And seal it with a kiss.





[u][/u][/b][b]


Edited by Petra ( 15 minutes 9 seconds ago)
_________________________
give your songs wings

Donna,

Food for thought...thanks for pointing out the weak spots...always welcome insight here, thanks for your critique.

Petra

well guys, i for one,have learned a little here just reading. however when i write i find it much easier if i have a melody in my head to put lyrics to. the melody may change later but i need something. but just to put my two cents in i would start the chours "bring back that magic feeling" instead of magic lamp. good luck!

Thought I would come back for a read Petra.

I like the changes but feel some lines are a tad too long and wordy. IMO

You have changed the rhyme order on the verses as well... ummmm

I thought that you almost had it before then its gone backwards IMO.

You cant please everyone.. me included lol.

Petra, you have to be carefull about taking every suggestion too literally. Some are good, some not, and some will take you back a step or two.

Sometimes you must go with your feelings and thoughts.

just my thoughts...

God Bless Roy and Helen

ps. I will come back later for a deeper look.

Thank You Roy appreciated your feedback; but as this point and time Terry and I have put a hold on this one and give it a breather.

Again thanks for your help,

Petra

James;

Nice to see your drop by...thanks for the suggestion for the title...will think about it.

Hope all your songs doing well;

Petra

James;

Nice to see your drop by...thanks for the suggestion for the title...will think about it.

Hope all your songs doing well;

Petra

Ok Petra.

sometimes this is best. Good luck with it.

God Bless Roy and Helen

To SONGCABINET:

I meant to respond to this when you posted it because it was such a poignant comment and humble of you to have put it the way you did.

You wrote:
"I just read through these interchanges, and just wanted to comment on how inspiring it is to witness you respond so honest yet still respectful to each other, about your heart and blood!
That's inspiring to us all! WELL DONE"

That is exactly why I decided to co-write with Petra OPENLY, so that other writers might learn from it and be inspired as you say you were.

But more importantly, I decided that even though by her own admission, Petra was a fledgling writer, she demonstrated a humble receptivity that I have never been able to pass by.

I did this once before on JPF with a writer named Lisa Gundling and the song is called "Land Sakes Alive" or "Mortified" . . . I'm not sure which title is listed now but it is deep in the JPF pages back in 2006 I think. I think you would really benefit from following that 4-page thread. We co-wrote several songs that we still like and I put most of them to music on slide guitar.

I just went and found the link. It was Feb 24, 2006
http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/424322/page/0/fpart/1

Co-writing openly has it's pitfalls though and sometimes the process becomes overwhelming or counterproductive for various reasons.

Regards,
Terry

Hi James,

That's the way to do it all right but writing to a "melody" can limit the flow of words and force a metering that often becomes pedantic syllable-counting and that metronome-like limitation can stifle the freedom of the wording and be uninspiring to an outside composer.

I write with a vague melody that I don't pay attention to, because it is the background music to the cadence and RHYTHM and feel that I DO write to.

Perhaps that's more what you meant -- that you write to a rhythm, to a tempo. (?)

Cheers,
Terry

yes terry if your still reading thats what i ment some type of beat or rhythme in my head good luck with ya'lls song