JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Willow Tree - rewrite!!

EDIT [12-16-10]: REWRITE BELOW - better?? Less confusing?
New lines marked in COLOR. Thanks!

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So.......... I have now written a lyric (NON-AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL) which makes my husband blush.

It came with a melody.
He expressed a strong preference I not perform this, especially in front of people, LOL although he definitely LIKES it... so... is it pitchable?

My main question & reason for posting is, is the storyline clear enough, or do I need a detailed verse about what happened?

I prefer the Hitchcock approach, that it's scarier if you imagine rather than really really know what the fella here done wrong.

Old-school blues/folk.

Linda



Willow Tree

by Linda Adams
© 2010 All Rights Reserved.


Oh people still come by to see me
Ask their questions and to blame
They wanna know how I knew you
And did I know you robbed that train

They ask if you were my husband
And I tell them it's all true,
But if they'd said forty years ago
Girl, the day will come to you

That I'd say you were a stranger
And I never knew your mind,
I'd-a never believed the awful tale
Of how you hid your life from mine

About the only thing I remember
The part I never tell anyone
Is how we spent our last night together
Under that old willow by the miller's pond


When we made love till we could barely breathe
Your kisses sweeter than sin
And I never knew all the trouble you were in
The night you said goodbye to me
Underneath the willow tree

{inst break}

I didn't know then this was the end
Didn't see the worry in your eyes
Newborn grass soft under my skin
You had me spellbound and hypnotized

Then before the light of morning
You saddled up and rode away
And I never laid eyes on you again
Did’ya ever cry like I did that day

No, you never told me the posse
Was already thundering on its way
To bring me in for questioning
About the man who got away

{repeat chorus?}

Oh I'm tired and cold
and my soul has been sold,
been sold, but not by me

Oh I'm worn and I’m old
and my soul has been sold,
been sold, but not by me

By the man who got away
The man who got away

Linda, I don't understand the storyline at all, but that's a great line about kisses "sweeter than sin."

OK, thanks for the feedback!

This is the story:

She was young, in love with her husband, and unknown to her he was carrying on some dark secret life.

He knew he had to run right before he was caught and took her out under the stars to say goodbye... without telling her he was going to disappear... then the posse showed up in the morning.

He loved her, but he loved being alive more -- if he was caught he'd be hanging from the gallows.

All the while she never knew his outlaw life existed, and when she found out it crushed her completely-- and he IS guilty of it all, whatever it is.

Thinking Jesse James or some other outlaw type... someone who was never caught.... only a fictional story!

How about a verse where she went to prison the rest of her life for being an "accomplice" although she was innocent? Would that be cool?




Linda

Awwww gee, maybe I should just write the screenplay to go with it. Give me a minute.... LOL.

L

Linda:
I think I'd prefer the version where she just grieves instead of going to jail.

Okay Lee!



Yeah, it's a bit less tragic that way...

Hey Linda,

I wouldn't send her to prison. It's a very interesting story:)

Dottie

Linda, I think you've set up a good sketch with heaps of potential, but for the song to be commercial I suspect the story would need to be filled out more so that details would grab and keep the listeners' interest. As is, it's confusing rather than scary. Some questions do need to be answered.

The hook, while attractive in itself - who doesn't love willow trees? - in fact has little to do with the story. I'd suggest re-thinking the chorus, or perhaps making the willow tree significant in the first verse. Maybe they first met under the willow tree, or married there, or whatever. Just something to tie the verses to the chorus in a way that highlights the importance of the tree.

Actually, I think you have the good possiblility of a couple of different stories here: e.g. "the man who got away". This would be an interesting twist on the usual romantic "man who got away" theme.

You mention you already have a melody, so I won't comment on flow/metering.

A few other suggestions/comments are below. Keep or sweep.

Donna


Old-school blues/folk.

Linda

Willow Tree

by Linda Adams
© 2010 All Rights Reserved.

They say you were my husband
And I tell them it's all true, Why "all"? Is it not only about him being her husband?
But if they'd told me forty years ago
Babe the day will would come to you Though I may be wrong, I think "babe" is more likely to be used by a young woman describing a current event, rather than by an old woman - as described in the outro - thinking back to a situation that happened 40 years ago. In addition, it's not clear whether "babe" is directed at the man by the woman, or by "they" to the woman. And who's "they"?

That I'd say you were a stranger
And I never knew your mind,
I'd-a never believed the awful fate What fate? The fact she was betrayed by her husband/lover?
That was bound to be all mine Why "all"?

Oh how I'll always remember
The night we got out away from it all Away from what? This introduces a new element that might be better placed in a preceding verse.
Newborn grass soft under my skin Lots of "s" sounds in this line and the next. Could be hard to get a clean vocal. Actually, I feel the chorus would work better without lines 2 & 3. It would be more dramatic and leave a more memorable image: namely, the kisses sweeter than sin and the making love.
Your kisses sweeter than sin
And I never knew the trouble you were in
When we made love
Underneath the willow tree
Underneath the willow tree

Though the melody would likely need to be altered, you could have something like:

Oh I'll always remember
Your kisses sweeter than sin
And how I never knew
The trouble you were in
When we made love
Beneath the willow tree
Beneath the willow tree

And before the light of morning
You saddled up and rode away
And I never laid eyes on you again
Did’ya ever cry like I did that day

You never said the posse
Was already on its way
To bring me in for questioning
'Bout the man who got away It's not immediately clear who the man is.

{Inst break over chorus, or sing chorus}

Oh I'm tired and cold
and my soul has been sold, The event took place 40 years ago, but use of the present perfect ("has been") implies the selling of the soul is a recent occurrence. I feel there'd be more poignancy if the past tense were used ("and my soul was sold").
been sold, but not by me

Oh I'm worn and I’m old
and my soul has been sold,
been sold, but not by me

By the man who got away In what way did he sell her soul? To whom? It's clear that he betrayed her in a particularly cruel way, but what did/does this have to do with her soul?
The man who got away

[/quote]

HiDee Mz Lin'!

I can see this working WELL in 3rd Person..."(She Loves) The ONE WHO GOT AWAY"...with a lot MORE detailing on Their Relationship and HIS Heading off into The Sunset, never to be Seen Again.

Kind of a "Nights in El Paso"..without the Body Count!

Good Luck with it..you ARE On To Something here!

Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

Thanks, Dottie!
My brain can go far into "tragic and morbid" so it's good to have people to pull me back once in a while, LOL.

DonnaMarilyn,

THANK YOU so much for spending some time here with me!
"Confusing" is what I need to hear - thinking about it and will amend. My guess is a bridge which "tells the missing piece" may do the trick........

As for the willow tree; to this character it IS the most significant thing, the event she most remembers even years and years later--- this magical night with its immediate betrayal the morning-after; it's part and parcel of the trauma, and to her mind, deeply and inseparably connected to it.

How to make that more clear..... hm............. pondering.

Very, very much appreciate your detailed thoughts through the lyric, that is excellent viewpoint and critique! I am taking all your questions into consideration. This is EXACTLY the sort of commentary I need when rewriting a lyric. So good to have your thoughts.

I really like the idea of deleting the two lines of the chorus - that works out.

"They" is all the people who come see her asking "Were you so&so's wife? Really?" which obviously, I have not made clear. I see that much of the story in my HEAD hasn't made it to paper yet - so in rewriting, I will address those issues and see what verses I can add to clarify the story.

The "soul has been sold" part, mainly I liked the sound of it, and the concept she feels someone ELSE sold her away without her agreeing to it, which has afflicted the rest of her life.

All-righty, this is great, I'll let my brain ponder on this and see what restructuring I can do to pour out more of the story.

Thanks so much!


Linda

I wonder if there is an actual famous outlaw who left a wife behind and was never caught........ which I could name this after....... does anyone know such a story?

Ned Kelly was both caught & didn't have a wife that I know of...

Urgh, I'm not as "up" on all those stories, it's been too long!

Linda

Thank you, Stan, that is a great suggestion, I'll think about it!


Switching POV is always a good editing strategy -- anyone else reading along -- even if you try it & don't keep it, it's an interesting thing to do. Hadn't thought of it for this one yet.


Appreciate very much the vote of confidence I'm "on to something!"


Linda

I like this and when i'm writing I guess I write thinking others are thinking the same i'm thiking...

did that sound right???

I like this story and can't wait to hear YOU sing it...glyn

Was D.B. Cooper married?

Have no idea who D. B. Cooper was. When I read the lyric I had to wonder who was the betrayed--the woman or the man, or even both. I believe you titled it "The Willow" because that is where their serene act of love took place. There are many people who marry others who have double lives. Just follow some of the crime shows on TV and you'll have it.

Peace,
Brian

I like the third person possibility, but the narrator in 1st person might be able to get the anguish/melancholy across. Another possibility is switching verses to his point of view, 40 yrs later. 'I got away with it, but it cost me you, and I wonder if it was worht it' kinda thing.

Good premise, fer sure!
Have fun,
Rod

Hi Glyn, guess great minds think alike! haha, whaddaya mean you didn't follow my train of thought?!

Uh, you won't hear ME sing it unless I sit in your living room with ya someday, it's not getting committed to tape

but THANK YOU!

...and if I tone it down, well, maybe there's a shot.... HM.

Linda

Hi Brian/beechnut - thanks, it is good to hear your thoughts and note where you were confused. Helpful to know to fix in rewrites.
I don't remember DB Cooper's story offhand except I know it's a known name.

Linda

Rod, I like your thoughts here too.

HIS story would probably have to be a separate song. I like that song idea too though!

Thanks all of you - I will try hard to find & review your lyrics too ASAP.

Linda

Posted an edit - let me know if it tells enough of the story now, or is still confusing. Thanks!

LOL, I didn't turn it down, uh I turned it up. Oh, oops!

Linda

Many a good willow left a bad man hanging, and also provided shade for lovers, under its cool canopy, I had no trouble following your storysong, I think you excel at story songs, but then I am a poetic romantic....as I showed in my graveyard dance number... song..."A Love For All Time." I loved this one
~~~MFB III

Thanks for bumping this one MFB!!

Glad you enjoyed it. I love poetry and story too.

Linda

I liked "A Love For All Time" too BTW.

L

for a first person I would suggest some of these changes?????
====================
People still come to see me
Have questions ‘bout who’s to blame
They wanna know how I knew you
And if I knew you robbed that train?

They ask if you were my husband
And I tell them that was true,
But if they'd ask forty years ago
I’d pretend I’d been a fool.

I'd say you were a stranger
And I never knew your family tree
I'd-a never believed the awful tale
How you hid your life from me

About all that I remember
The part I tell no one
Is how we spent that night together
Under the willow by the Miller's pond

When we made love till we could barely breathe
Your kisses sweeter than sin
The night you said goodbye to me
And I never knew ..the trouble you were in

{inst break}

I didn't know this was the end
Saw no worry in your eyes
Newborn grass soft under my skin
I was spellbound and hypnotized

Then before the light of morning
You saddled up and rode away
And I never saw you again
Never cried agin as I did that day

No, you never told me the posse
Was pounding on its way
To bring me in for questioning
About the man who got away

{repeat chorus?}

I was so tired and so cold
and my soul had been sold,
had been sold, but not by me

I was so worn and I felt so old
and my soul had been sold,
had been sold, but not by me

By the man who got away
The man who got away

Hi Annie, and thank you for taking the time to look at this one in-depth! Much appreciated.

Linda

Hi Linda,
I see some spots I would try to tighten up, keep or sweep

Oh people still (come by to see me) Unnecessary to the story, IMO, why not have them ask questions in the first line?)

Oh people still ask lots of questions
They like discussing who's to blame

They wanna know how well I knew you
And did I know you robbed that train

They ask if you were my husband
And I tell them yes it's all true,

(Note: I am only seeing the re-write version.)

I thought this one was going to be about a willow tree that sees and remembers things that went on for many and many a year. But it wasn't like that.

It sort of makes sense after reading your explanation of it. I don't know if it needs more work or is OK as a cryptic sort of thing.

Interesting read, though.

Kevin

3rd write.............. not sure why I'm bothering, but.... let's see if this is any better...... I can still kill the 'tag' but I'm stupidly fond of it.

Linda

Willow Tree
3rd write

1
It was the spring of 1880
When I found your broken body
Under that willow by the miller's pond
Ready to move beyond
But I helped you on to the back of my mare
Bleeding and lonesome and fair
2
My fault never for asking
Any questions about your past, no
When you took me out under that willow
Moonlight kisses gave me chills, oh
Surrendered all my mind
Never once thought you would leave me there
Broken in lonesome despair

CH:
And I never knew all the trouble you were in
Your kisses sweeter than sin
When you made love to me
Underneath the willow tree
Underneath the willow tree

3
Oh people still come by to see me
Point their fingers and to blame
Asking didn't I know you robbed that train
But I never tell anyone
How we made love till we could barely breathe
Underneath that old willow tree

CH
And I never knew all the trouble you were in
Your kisses sweeter than sin
When you made love to me
Underneath the willow tree
Underneath the willow tree

BRIDGE
You saddled up before dawn
Not a word and you were gone
Posse thundering on its way
Did you cry like I did that day?
They took me in for questioning
But I never laid eyes on you again

You’re the man who got away

CH
And I never knew all the trouble you were in
Your kisses sweeter than sin
When you made love to me
Underneath the willow tree
Underneath the willow tree


TAG
Oh I'm tired and cold
and my soul has been sold,
been sold, but not by me

By the man who got away
The man who got away

Oh shoot, extra line in verse 2................. Boo... help?
Urgh

I'm sick of this one........ let me know if the storyline is improving, mainly... I'll figure out how to delete the line sooner or later... thanks!

Linda

2
My fault never for asking
Any questions about your past, no
When you took me out under that willow
Kisses to give me chills, oh
Never once thought you would leave me there
Broken in lonesome despair


One possibility...

There is nothing to add,ifs a good write and a great hook.