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Rewrite update....

I Need Jesus Not A Twelve Ounce Bottle
© words and music by C. Stewart ( Aug 5, 2010 )

I feEl real bad when I look around
She's taken everything I own
Nothing to do when I hit the light
I'm lying in bed alone

I'm livin' in a house of cards
The wind is blowin'
Won't be long before
The roof is goin'

CHORUS...
I need Jesus, not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control

Another day starts, head hung down
No place to shoot my gun
All I see when I hit the light
Are cockroachs that don't run

Wondering when, this storm will end
My mind is full of rain
She's convinced me, it's my fault
I deserve the pain

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control

Now I'm checkin' out the prices
Of a mid life crisis
Waitin' for the levee to break

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
I never thought it'd get this heavy up on the levee~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL POST BELOW

Jesus And A Twelve Ounce Bottle
© words by C. Stewart ( Aug 5, 2010 )


How do you feel when you look around
And she's taken everything you own
What do you do when you turn off the light
And you're laying there all alone

You're livin' in a house of cards
And the wind is blowin'
And it won't be long before
The roof is goin'

CHORUS....
You need Jesus and a twelve ounce bottle to save you're soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
You never thought it'd get this heavy up on the levee

How do you feel when you drop your drawers
And there's no place to shoot your gun
What do you do when you turn on the light
And the cockroachs don't even run

Wondering when, all this will end
Your mind is full of rain
She's convinced you, it's your fault
You suffer from the pain

CHORUS....
You need Jesus and a twelve ounce bottle to save you're soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
You didn't think it'd get this heavy up on the levee

Bridge...
Now you're checkin' out the prices
Of a mid life crisis
And you're hoping that the price is cheap

CHORUS....
You need Jesus and a twelve ounce bottle to save you're soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
You didn't think it'd get this heavy up on the levee

CHORUS....
You need Jesus and a twelve ounce bottle to save you're soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
You didn't think it'd get this heavy up on the levee


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin.
I really like these lyrics.

I love these two lines best

What do you do when you turn on the light
And the cockroachs don't even run

God Bless Roy and Helen

This is a pretty good write and will make a very fine song. I think the "drop your drawers" takes it more toward a novelty feel. I would look for a replacement for that.

Also unsure about the "roof is goin" line. Not sure how that quite fits in. Maybe:

You're livin' in a house of cards
And the wind is blowin'
And it won't be long before
your hand is foldin'

You also snuck in the "levee" word -- this also doesn't seem to fit into the picture you've painted.

It's a real good one, though.

Kevin

Hello Calvin,
I like the feel of desperation this lyric projects. Although, I'm unsure if I'm suppose to laugh, or cry.

What do you think about returning the chorus to 1st person? Speaking of which, I'm not sure I like the levy reference; feeling the chorus is missing something. As is the bridge. IMO, of course.

You have an abundance of "you"s too.

Good luck,
Torn Page

Calvin, I know Jesus changed the water to wine at the wedding ceremony and hung out with hookers, but I don't think he would tell you to look for salvation at the bottom of 12-ounce bottle.

I am not sure which is the prop in the story, Jesus or the bottle.

Other than that, I love the line about the prices of a mid-life crisis. Though I would say it this way:

Now you're checkin' out the prices
Of a mid life crisis
And wonderin' what you can afford

Hi Calvin.....

I've been away so long I am really rusty, but your title caught me and I had to take a look. I get what you're saying with the roof goin' line...hey, just listen to the weather forecast these days (lol). The line works for me. Even if we didn't live in hurricane heaven, I think it still works, but that's just MHO. I am reading a lot of pain in the lines and have to agree that the couplet with the 'drawers' should be replaced. Those are lines that could bring a smile....or an out loud laugh...and there is too much pain to slip that in there (no pun intended).

"You suffer from the pain".....a bit too bland. Perhaps something like....

She's convinced it's all your fault
There's no two sides to blame

Chorus....I'll leave the levee for you to decide. It is very specific as to location, which wasn't mentioned anywhere else, but it doesn't bother me.

I'd drop the "But" before Satan. If you have a note there that screams to be filled, use .....Ummmm....or Yeah.... One of the things those much better than me taught me years ago when writing lyrics....drop all the "and's, but's, the's, a's" you can.

Love the couplet on the cockroaches....real picturesque.

Good on the bridge and it puts a new perspective right where you want it. You might consider something like this:

Now I'm lookin' at the prices
Of a mid-life crisis
Never knew the cost would be so steep

Something to that effect. This would make a great drinking song, but would be much stronger in the first person. It's awkward thinking that someone up there singing is telling me how I feel. Much more realistic that he tells me how he feels.

I apologize for getting so wordy here....just some ideas to keep or sweep.......now I'll shut up :))

Sunny

Calvin,

This is real good. I agree with Kevin that you should move it away from the novelty song category and get serious.

I also agree that the last line of the chorus needs to fit better.

You might explore the question of whether Jesus or the 12 ounce bottle would do you the most good......but don't change the hook.

Has the potential to be a really strong lyric.

Just had to make a correction to my post.....the singer isn't 'telling' me how I feel....he's 'asking' me...even if rhetorical. Still think first person is more powerful.

Hi to...

Roy
Kevin
Torn Page
Dan
Sharon
Colin

I really appreciate everybodys thoughts about what to do on this one, kinda really opened up my eyes a bit.
I originally started out with it as 1st person & changed my mind !
But I now agree that it needs to be 1st person and I will be working on making the change and a few other changes as well, thanks to you all for being so HELPFUL !

See ya soon.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin,

The words were not what I expected but I was pleasantly surprised! I love it

It's very good!

Hello Dottie,

Glad you could take the time to read and comment.
And I appreciate your thoughts !
Have a good day.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HiDee NeighborGuy!

Brilliant Hook, Good Lyric!

Couple Sugs have come to-mind, KOS of course:

"..hit the light SWITCH"

"EVIL wind is blowin'"

"But Satan's got his foot on the throttle, SO FAR..he's in-control"

"NEED A place to shoot my gun"

"I never thought it'd get this heavy on the levee/
SHE EVEN GOT..MY '57 CHEVY..."

KOS...Good Song, Amigo...Good Luck with it!
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Calvin--

A good one working' here my friend--lots of good ideas offered--I wait 'till she's finished.

Write on--

Mackie

Hi Stan,

Thanks for dropping in for the read & the good suggestions.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Mackie,

Hope things are going well for ya !
Thanks.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin

I like the rewrite -- here are a couple of Minor touches to consider. ; ) jm

I Need Jesus Not A Twelve Ounce Bottle
© words and music by C. Stewart ( Aug 5, 2010 )

I feEl real bad AS I look around
She's taken everything I own
Nothing to do when I hit the light
I'm lying in bed alone

(I'm) livin' in a house of cards
WHERE wind is blowin'
It won't be long before
The roof is goin'

Lots to like here Cal. Let me take the Shane Vaughan pruning shears to this one if I may, which I then began to do when I thought maybe pounding home the image of a house of cards with an impending roof loss would be a good thing, ..oh and then I thought my lost life made more sense than a mid life...cause that in itself is such a "loaded story"

Anyway..with some minor mods,


Fell real bad when I look around
She's got everything I own
Nothing to do when I hit the light
But lie in bed alone

Livin' in a house of cards
The wind is blowin'
It won't be long
Before the roof is gone

CHORUS...
I need Jesus, not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans' got his foot on the throttle, and he's in control

Wondering when, this storm will end
My mind is full of rain
She's convinced me, it's my fault
I deserve the pain

In this house of cards
The wind is blowin'
It won't be long
Before the roof is gone

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control

Now I'm checkin' out the prices
Of my lost life crisis
Waitin' for the levee to break

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control

CHORUS....
I need Jesus not a twelve ounce bottle to save my soul
But Satans got his foot on the throttle, he's in control
I never thought it'd get this heavy up on the levee~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Joice,

Good to see ya pop in here, thanks for the kinds words and suggestions.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello John,

Goodness, where you been hiding !

Thanks for taking the time to read/comment and give your thoughts.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

where y'at Calvin,I'm likin' the rewrite and still got a couple good sugs,this is gonna be a doozie.[Why rewrite,i have a copy machine]

Hi Calvin, no nits from me, like it alot...should turn out a great song....glyn

Good one, Sir Calvin! These lines caught my eye:

Now I'm checkin' out the prices
Of a mid life crisis
Waitin' for the levee to break

I heard a melody in my head on this...wondered what's in YOUR head!

Hi rockin' ( Dave )

Thanks for giving this one a few minutes of your time.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Glynda,

Thanks, you're too kind.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Polly,

Always nice to see ya.
You're funny.

Glad you could appreciate this part....

Now I'm checkin' out the prices
Of a mid life crisis
Waitin' for the levee to break

I heard a melody in my head on this...wondered what's in YOUR head!....the answer.....COOL WHIP :-)
I hope to be done with it soon and will show you.
Now you got me curious as to what's in your head.

Have a good day.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin,

Look what I found

I remember reading this one, I loved it then and I love it now!

The original, I don't like the rewrite nearly as well. It doesn't seem to flow as well for me. Of course it could be me

I love the original!!!

Dottie

Hi ya Dottie,

Thanks for the double look !
I appreciate your thoughts.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Though the situation you describe is heartbreaking, the sense of humor the singer display reminds me about the sense of humor some "down and outs" display in spite of their dire circumstances. I also think that both the new title and the revised version is a lot better than the original.

I really really enjoyed this
Jan

Hello Jan,

I appreciate your time spent reading and giving me your thoughts here, thank you.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Calvin,

I like this one, the desperation is felt, a sad one, but a good one. I guess like Elton said, "Sad songs say so much"

Dawny

Hi Dawny,

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts.
Have a good day.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HiDee NeighborGuy!

Re-Write's Near-Perfect, Amigo, in my book!

Try: "It won't be long before/
MY TIN roof is gone"

Sets up your Chorus better/gives it that li'l Florida Touch too.
KOS..& Good Luck with a Good'n', Amigo!

Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hi Stan,

Hey thanks a bunch for giving this a spin and for your suggestion too.
Have a good weekend.

Calvin



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Cal, I didn't see this the first time through.

Wow, I like this a lot. I'm 100% for the rewrite, I feel it's much stronger and says a lot.

Hope it gets great music to it soon!
Great writing here.
Hits you in the gut.

Linda