JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Four Lines

JPF'ers,

A song a day keeps the doctor away, has been the motto of my week. To those who are still up for it, despite the frequency, Im looking for basic lyric/music critiques/ comments. This is first worktape, but I envision something along the lines of contemporary tween country/pop in due time.

I've made minor adjustments to the lyric post recording. This is written for female vocals, and I really can't do it much justice, so I hope you can listen for the idea, and thanks for putting up with me

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8113394

© 2009 Magne Kolstad

FOUR LINES

MMS - SOS, I'm on my own, you see
I think you're such a cute guy
Pass next game, it's not lame, come home with me

Cause, I've got it all figured out
So let me tell you what this is about

I need FOUR LINES to tell you, I love you
I need three dates to be your girl
I need two nights to really miss you, cutie
Ya' got one chance to rock my world

Text me now, you're so slow, don't like to wait
I need to know if you feel the same
Drop that shirt, I won't hurt, let's start a new fate

I can't promise you anything more
So, before you ask what's in store

I need FOUR LINES to tell you, I love you
I need three dates to be your girl
I need two nights to really miss you, cutie
Ya' got one chance to rock my world

If you give me my time
I'm gonna make you my guy
This is all I want
Lemme tell you upfront

I need FOUR LINES to tell you, I love you
I need three dates to be your girl
I need two nights to really miss you, cutie
Ya' got one chance to rock my world

I need FOUR LINES to tell you, I love you
I need three dates to be your girl
I need two nights to really miss you, cutie
Ya' got one chance to rock my world

I can hear the full-fledged production rocking this one out! I am not sure what the "4 lines to tell you I love" means/represents (4 lines of coke or 4 lines of text) -- so the hook confuses me.

It's a rocker, though.

Kevin

Magne,
looks like good pop to me. Very cool lyric. It has what made 50's songs great. Music is more up to date and the arrangement could make it tomorrow.

MAYbe you could insert some text stuff (BFF...etc) into the 1st verse.

have fun,
John

I`m running with the others here, this is really a good song, that one line throws me too. "4 lines" this badboy is roll`in! lol. good music!

I get it, I like it too!

Very cool sound here. Nice morning listen!

Magne,

I love the music. This is really rockin' as the other posters say. The countdown is a pretty clever idea. I just had some thoughts on the chorus. The "I need two night to really miss you" line I think needs to be stronger. I'm not sure what that means or how it fits with the rest of the chorus. This is a chorus driven song, so I think every word counts and it has to be killer. Of course, no brilliant suggestion is coming to mind for me either. I'll come back if something strikes me in the head..which is usually how it happens.

Thanks for listening Kevin!

Im very happy the music seem to work. I wasn't sure about that at all, and an acoustic guitar doesn't support imagination much in this style, so I appreciate you can transcend that.

I thought I set it up sufficiently in the opening with the MMS, as the four lines refer back to the text message. But perhaps it could work as:

"I need four lines to tell you HOW MUCH I love you"

?

I guess I don't know what "MMS" means either (LOL)! Maybe that's the problem.

Kevin

Û lol.. thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify, Kevin.

Im still not defending the hook, but Im pretty certain the tweens know what MMS is (otherwise they would be sooo uncool :-), so I don't ruin anything by explaining this particular thing for others.. it's their whole life!

MMS is like SMS but with added multimedia (pic, audio, video)..

Hey Mag, maybe it's SMS, on my phone, MMS is MultiMedia for pics, video, etc...SMS is Standard Messaging. Not sure it matters if someone doesn't know what it means.

Yeah, Caroline.. I tried to be even cooler by including the newest technology :-)

It matters in the sense that the title Four Lines depend on knowing what at least a text message is, I think..

But text messages are so compressed, that the right title might be Four SIGNS? (well, actually Im not kidding)

Hi Magne,

Great singing again, and guitar playing to match...sounding a little Lennon up there!

Mike

Hey Mags..

It sounds current...definately rocks..not up on the cryptic text stuff..I thought MMS..SOS was like a ship sinkin (no dis here just showin my age..lol) Four lines..Yeah I'm thinkin coke too...but that to me proves it crosses generational "lines" (pun intended)..

Larry

Hi John,

Thanks for listening and suggesting!

Great idea on the text stuff, if only I could come up with something.. gotta ask my wife

Hi Lane,

Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts!

Im glad the music works for you. I'll work on that title, as it has some unintended connotations as well.

Caroline,

Thanks for listening! I appreciate it.

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your comments!

Well, I just don't like listening to myself singing pop songs. Maybe I feel kinda old

I realize the coke association could be made, never thought about that. And even though that might not be irrelevant in contemporary pop, I don't particularly like drug references in music, and in this case it is unintended. So I need to give that some more work.

Hi Wendy,

Thanks for listening and giving this your thoughts!

You are certainly right about that, every line counts, and this is very chorus driven.

I realize the line "I need two nights to really miss you, cutie" could be stronger, if I just could beat it with something

Thanks for putting so much effort into it, Wendy.

Hi Larry,

Thanks for giving this one!

Well, ship sinkin', alone for two minutes. Same thing, different generations

Never meant to make a drug reference, even imply it, so I fiddled a bit with the title, and think it might work as Four EYES (like they HAVE to meet)?

I don't know if "four eyes" will work or not. Kids over here call, derisively, other kids "four eyes" if they wear glasses. Why not just "Four text lines"?

... and I don't text message at all -- and I am not your intended audience, so it doesn't really matter that I don't get it.

Kevin

Magne,

What's weird is, I only said that the "four lines" line bothered me for like, ONE minute, before I edited my text, because I saw the "texting reference" in a prior verse. It's just kinda weird that I am seeing my edited page, and you and Larry seem to be not?



Mike

Okay , here's what I'd do with the chorus and feel free to use or trash this idea -

It took four drinks to tell you I like you.
After three dates I thought I was your girl
The last two nights I really miss you cutie
Just give me one more chance to rock your world

Anyway cool tune and melody - best of luck - maybe a kind of
Bonnie Raitt musical take might work??

Love the music and vocals here, Magne. Great groove!

The lyric is fine too, though I agree that the lines and eyes references need working on. (Still don't know the significane of "four eyes". And I'm glad you explained the MMS and SOS. )

Just one nit: Not sure about "start a new fate". Sounds odd to me in the sense that fate is something seen as predestined. I know what you're trying to say here (along the lines of "we'll create our own destiny"), but the word "fate" doesn't seem to work in this context.

Donna

Hi Magne,

I like the concept of this and I think the music is a great match for it. I was not following the text references either. I don't even have a cell phone. How un-cool is that?

If your intended market is "contemporary tween country/pop", I would suggest asking a 13 year old girl for some slang to fill in your chorus. However, a line like "drop your shirt" might not be appropriate?

Also, this line, "If you give me my time" might be better as
"If you give me SOME time".

Cool start.

Ricki

Great tune, can't wait to hear it with a bass and drums and slide guitar. You can really cook on this .... Nice work solid writing. I really enjoyed this song


God Bless
Dan

Magne,

I looked-up some texting terms and slang (and my 12 year-old daughter told me some too). I was thinking something like this:

You get four lines to know me, or it's T-T-Y-L (talk to you later)
You get three conversations, before L-M-I-R-L (let's meet in real life)
You get two chances to sell me on how I should be your girl,
But to be my O-L-L (on-line lover) you get one chance to rock my world.

(Obviously, you wouldn't sing the stuff in parenthesis, I just wrote it out so you would know what each text message means.)

Keep or sweep of course, just an idea I had.


TTFN! (Ta Ta For Now)

Thanks Kev,

Will work more on it..

Thanks Mike,

It's not weird. I have the thread on my watched topics list, and set it to recieve an email every time someone comments.

I get the mail first time you post, but not the edits, so thats why I read the post you made pre edits, and the thread shows the edited one.

Hi Pete,

Thanks for giving this a listen and suggestions!

Love those lyrics, Pete! Can't have women chasing after guys in a commercial song, though, but with male pow..

Yeah, I'll look into the Bonnie reference.. I'd like that.. she's done some great pop stuff with a blues approach!

Hi Donna,

Thanks for listening and making comments!

I appreciate that nit.. gonna travel back in time and change that line

Hmm, going back to my original four lines, I guess..

Hi Ricki,

Thanks for giving this your time!

Oh, I wish I could not have a cell.. it's a time robber! You think the 'drop your shirt' line is controversial for tweens.. you might be right. We need good clean family entertainment, so I'll consider that.. Sir!

Great suggestions, Ricki.. Wendy has just sacrificed her family for this (see below)!

Hi Dan,

Thanks for listening and commenting!

YES, thats what I thought too when I had the music. This can cook, but then again.. gotta be careful on the blues stuff for tweens.. don't wanna be too oldschool lame.. but perhaps with some electronica influences?

Gonna work a little more on the chorus melody too, as I'd like it to be more dynamic.

You've made my day with this, Wendy!

How cool is this.. give your daughter some extra hugs'n Elvis teddy bears, lots of expensive Tiffany presents and all the years on Harward she'd like, from me

This is excactly the concept I was looking for.. You are absolutely brilliant!

I'll send you all my furniture.. Im floored!

WRT (will rewrite tomorrow)

Hi Magne

Good work,

I'm trying to think of something for that 3rd line.
Gotta love the torture of when we put ourselves in a corner with a song... And this is a nice tight corner you've pinned yourself in lol..

I do that ALL the time.

Okay You have the "I need" set up so it has to start with that. I mean we could switch it to "you" but then that may kill the impact of the last line.

Then you have the count set up you need "two"

See cleverness can get you in trouble lol... The line you have was good thinking, I get it but i do understand how it may not catch everybody quickly or effective enough.

The first thought I had was

I need two lips to....

Then I thought yikes well everyone has two lips lol. Then tulips entered my mind and I hated the idea lol.. But i did like the idea of CONTACT, building up the steam of this chorus something that leads into "rocking my world"

Two dates - two lips lol, two hands,

Maybe "two hands" two hands to what? hold me? ah... needs to be stronger

Then when I sing "I need two hands" it makes me think the singer is saying she needs both her hands... Because even though it makes sense the other way, we often use that expression as the first person.

Okay i've been no help at all,but maybe it can spark an idea...

I can't think in the day time either lol

Magne....lots of potential in this song....I can hear it....good luck....keep us posted....Bob

Hi Mike,

Thanks a lot for taking time to listen and reflect on this!

Im cornered allright, here I try to get out of the box, and then I realize there's just a bigger box outside of it!

I know what you mean about the 'yikes' feeling when writing something like this.. I really feels like walking the tight ropes!

Your mind works great, Mike.. thanks for letting me in on it's thinking

Thanks for throwing a comment!

Im glad, and quite surprised too, this worked so well for ya! I must have set the volume knob just right

Hi Magne,

Good performance.
I think you're on to something here, looking forward to hearing what ya come up with.
Lots of great suggestions.

Thanks for sharing your talents.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Magne,
looks like Wendy's girl got the (text) message. These kids talk a different language I tell you.

have fun,
John

Thanks for listening and taking time to comment, Calvin. I appreciate your encouragements!

Hi John,

Yes, it's great to have that kind of first hand reviews! Thanks for listening, John..

Actually, first time I came across these shorthand letters was in a mail from Jan Hopkins! We use'em all the time