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Sorry I haven't been able to get to the songs here like I used to.
We have grown so much here on the mp3 boards that it's impossible to get to all these songs. That's a positive sign though

I'm always trying out new things, ideas, formats and stuff around here & I've been wanting to give this a try. It's just a faster way for me to find those who are in need of some help, advice and or [b]support. Especially someone who might be shopping etc....Just Some direction as well [/b]
Don't forget to post songs in The Mentor Forum with Harriet, Pat & Pete as well.
You can get GREAT help there...

In the past I have spent an hour reviewing a song to have the writer- never re-visit, not care what was suggested lol... And sometimes say things like "yeah but that's a true story in my life so it has to go that way: lol Can't physically do that anymore. Anyway we'll see how it goes... Thanks!
-----------------------------------------

1- Submit your song with lyric on to this thread for review & feedback,discussion.

2- Please give us an idea of your GOALS! for this song and or for yourself musically. Can't tell you how much that helps!

3- I can't get to all of them of course so I'll have to be a bit picky and go by which ones I can feel I can help out with the most. And sometimes just a listen to check it out! Also if it gets crowed we'll end this thread and and start a fresh one after.

4A- I'm into everything as I do everything, So comments and discussion are open to melody, lyrics, instrumentals, various instruments,vocals, recording, mixing, production.
4B- Song placement, targeting,genres, FRUSTRATION & rejection of course Yes You can vent lol but we'll try somehow to stay positive & productive somehow

I'll be the first then.

Goals:
- To become as good a lyric writer as I can.
- To team up with good co-writers (musicians).
- To create a song that could be considered good enough
to make a high-quality demo and to pitch seriously.

This was just finished. Johnny was trying a different vocal approach, and I'm wondering to what it extent it succeeds (or not). Your feedback is welcome, Mike. Thanks for this opportunity.

(The four lines before the final chorus were added by Johnny.)

Donna

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7296583

Put Yourself In My Place

(v1)
Knocking back bourbon in a no-holds bar
She looked at me sideways
As I stumbled through the door
I grabbed the empty stool on her left-hand side
Praying Jack Daniels
Would see me through the night

Lift
My clothes were crumpled but I didn’t care
Hadn’t shaved for days or combed my hair

(v2)
She coughed a little and toyed with her drink
But I didn’t want to talk
I needed to think
My wife had ditched me ‘cause I couldn’t earn
I felt like I’d crawled past
The point of no return

Pre-chorus
She watched me suffer, didn’t make a sound
Signalled the barman to pour another round
Took something from her bag, I thought she’d leave
But she touched my sleeve
And said…

Chorus
I come here most nights
Looking for a friendly face
For someone a little like me
And if you think you’re lonely
Put yourself in my place
… And here’s the key

(v3)
I looked up at her, saw her eyes were kind
Though pain was in them
I guess something like mine
Just two hurting souls in a rundown bar
She took me by the hand
And we walked out the door


Pre-chorus
It’s been a while now, and I’m working again
Picking up the pieces of a broken man
It’s not always easy but that fine woman knows
It’s the way love goes

From knockin’ back bourbon in a no-holds bar
Baby, baby, have we come far
It’s not always easy, everyone knows
It’s the way love goes

Chorus
I come here most nights
Looking for a friendly face
For someone a little like me
And if you think you’re lonely
Put yourself in my place
… And here’s the key

D.Devine 2008

Hi Mike,

This is a wonderful thing you are offering. I'm game! But how to explain my goals? Since I don't want to be a performer, I am looking to get a song to a level that is worthy of making a pro demo, that can then be pitched. One thing that has me paralyzed is figuring out which song (or songs) that would be. I get frustrated too, because I have no idea where they could be pitched, because I don't have many that anyone other than the writer (me) would sing. So, do I concentrate on just the songs that an artist would sing? And again, how to know which ones they would be? I spend a lot of time chasing my tail then throw my hands up and say forget it, just write what you feel and give up all the rest of it.
So, that said, I think this song may have some potential as one that is worthy of a demo. I need an unbiased opinion though, and I know you will be honest.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6496486

LATE NIGHT RADIO
©Ricki E. Bellos

Songs of late night radio
Have become the only friends I know
They are a light in the dark
Lately I have no desire
To see the sun or feel its fire
Loneliness has left its mark

Turn it up I remember this song
It doesn’t feel that long
Since I was young
Now my life is playing on late night radio
Late night radio

After midnight on the radio
Memories of lost years long ago
Are revealed for all to hear
Music we used to share
When we were so unaware
That an end could be so near

Turn it up I remember this song
Has it really been that long
Since I was young
Now my life is playing on late night radio
Late night radio

I look back on my misspent youth
When I had nothing to lose
Little did I know
All the friends and family now long gone
Floating by on air waves with each song
On late night radio
Late night radio

Hi Donna

Thanks for sharing this. And thanks for posting the goals

Great goals by the way. And it seems you are already well into going after them,
your doing lots of work,your teaming up with co-writers & musicians. And you want to get some work and or exposure as a songwriter. EXCELLENT!

The thing I like about this song is it's "FEEL"
It has a wonderful mood in the groove,reminds me of some classic great pop songs
from the 70's. Ones that had some soul & that nice ballad presence plus a beat a groove. That's such a wonderful combination, think "Islands In The Stream"
"Couldn't Get It Right" Or "Don't Stop" Fleetwood Mac and many other softer rock/pop songs. And I don't like the changing ending section I LOVE IT!
I would make an entire new song out of that if i were you! It could be excellent..

So You have captured that essence here in this song.....

Now - The next part, the hardest part is honing in and crafting it more.

1- I really appreciate altered arrangements, ones that throw a little curve at you.
Ya know like intro/verse/prechorus/verse2/chorus/bridge/chorus etc....

But when you do that it has to be effective! And I mean effective Like it was a natural. "The song is better off that way"... "It's one of those times you do this"
In this songs case it doesn't work. This arrangement is the FIRST thing that hurts this song in a big way. It doesn't come across like it was planned this way but more like the wrong choice for the arrangement. We all struggle with that so much, It really seems so simple but boy it's easy to mess up.

2- A big part of the trouble this song is having is it's wandering musically. That is part of the arrangements fault, but just as much it's the musical melodies.
So many times I'll hear people say - Oh but you don't change the melody often enough, or the parts are too repetitive, or that part counts the same as that part, and this & that!
So - HERE is a perfect example of doing the the very opposite of all I just mentioned. The results? Chaos

Listen you can spend a lifetime trying to come up with a few very good hooks never mind GREAT ones that make your songs out live you!
WHY in the world would you run from them! I see that so much!
Anybody can just keep changing notes & chords etc... Why to show how much you know? to show how creative you can be?
The trick is to know when & why your doing that by "Feeling it" Then seeing how it "Feels" on others!

Donna - I'm not just talking at you, or attacking lol in this, I'm speaking to everyone. Like a few of us are talking in a room

3- The singer may have written the melody as well?? I'm not sure. He has some nice ideas but is just not quite musical enough from this demonstration.
The very first verse loses the listener right after the second line...
Of course a better vocal performance is ALWAYS gonna make the song appear better! But the problem here is "The Rythym" he's got no meter of groove happening vocally, cause it's not in the phrasing of the song.
Lots of timing just doesn't feel right.....

4- Since part of the goal is to shop... that puts the "commercial appeal" thought into the song. Before you go any further you have to be aware to some degree that this is far from a HIT song. But that is TOTALLY cool, you want to write good songs first & foremost, enjoyable ones and different kinds.
The absence of a good hook here, plus the melody & arrangement makes the song feel "Long" and it can't keep your attention.
The lyrics have some good things going for them as well but also do not have "hit potential" at this stage. But again you want to just have lyrics that match really great with the music, so that challenge and work is still ahead some.

5- Great section at around 2:50!!!! great idea there! And all of a sudden the song has something very positive! Do NOT use it as an end tag only!!! Work it!

This is how this song should START! Okay even if it doesn't start that way but that section HAS to happen way early in the song....It is By far the strongest musical section. Seems you have two totally different songs in one here. Gonna have to straighten that out. If you were a young Rock band would you? No!
If your selling songs? YEP!

Okay before we stop lets make a quick list of "THings To Think About"

1- Decide what this songs is gonna be! Then adjust those lyrics to go with that.
Is it gonna be re-work that really nice, Island, feel, soft rock pop song it is for the first 2 1/2 minutes. Or is it gonna be that nice driving tempo song that it becomes later? The two aren't working together so far.
2 - When the song was slow this section was the catchiest & strongest part of the song, at the end of the chorus....
And if you think you’re lonely
Put yourself in my place
Work that into the song A LOT MORE!!

3- Start re-phrasing the verses, get a groove happening lyrically & melodically.
4- Fool with the arrangement.. try the basic way first again,verse/prechorus/chorus/verse etc...
5- Get this title to be more effective, re-draft on some lyrics,the lyrics wander off track alot. The whole story never really seems to relate back to it to me.... It needs focus!
6- Do NOT demo this song! Do NOT spend any money on it at this stage! If you sent it to me as broke as I am, I would not do it. Sometime we learn a great deal by actually doing our songs to the next level production wise. It is stage so may WRITERS miss out on as they wait to write there "must get cut song" But it has to be ready to invest so it can be at least part of the big package deal of learning and advancing with music

Thanks Donna! I think you have loads of possibilities here and I wouldn't want to trade with you guys on doing all the hard work Well part of me does

Hope this helps!

Hi Mike

YIPEE, it's FREE, you have just excited this Aussie girl, you are amazing. Thanks so much! You are so special!

Here goes, my very first song, after working on these lyrics over and over again, I just feel it's time to move this song to a more professional level. Paul my producer done a fantastic job with this song, but even after my re-write, and talking to my friend here Bill, I feel that what he is saying about the song is right.

My goal is to take my story out of the song, and put some, or maybe a lot of Nashville Grit into it.

As Bill said, my story was "Emotional Murder", because I have listened to this song so much, and I have sang it over and over, it is very difficult to hear it another way, but I believe by changing it to an example of being bullied, it will take the song to a new brighter future.

My other goals are also to continue to learn the craft of songwriting, sing, learn the keyboard, and one day be working full time with a professional songwriter.

The original song: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6211972

Here is my new version, that I strongly feel needs to go in a different direction now.

Don't push my buttons

Hey, don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Anger, tears, the sadness inside
I know now I've got my pride
So hey, don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Stronger, wiser, than ever before
I won't play your victim no more....

Verse
There was a time and a place
I was lost and confused
Young and trusting
Nothing to lose
I held a dream when becoming your wife
Never thought I'd be fighting for life
Those I trusted turned away
Only feels like yesterday
Weeks have turned to years
It's time to put it away............

Chorus
Hey, don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Anger, tears, the sadness inside
I know now I've got my pride
So hey, don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Stronger, wiser, than ever before
I won't play your victim no more.....

Verse
I thought that you
Where the one
Yah Pushed me around
And put me down
For the childrens sake I thought I'd stay
With all your lies my dreams faded away
Well the truth is here before me now
Found the strength to leave
And stand my ground
Now I can finally say
This survivors here to stay.......

Chorus
Hey don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Anger, tears, the sadness inside
I know now I've got my pride
So, hey don't push my buttons
I won't take it any more
Stronger, wiser than ever before
I won't play your victim no more

Bridge
I'm here today
Offering you this advise
Don't be the victim
You too can survive
A new beginning
New life ahead
Everytime they push you
Get up , look them in the eye, and say........

Chorus
Hey don't push my buttons
I won't take any more
Anger, tears, the sadness inside
I know now I've got my pride
So, hey don't be pushing my buttons
I won't be taken it no more
Stronger, wiser than ever before
I won't play your victim no more
So hey, don't be pushing my buttons
I won't be taken it no more
Anger, tears, the sadness inside
I know now I've got my pride
So, hey don't be pushing my buttons
I won't be taking it no more
Stronger, wiser than ever before
I won't be playing your victim no more
So HEY!


Copyright 2007

By Michele Bolton

Thanks for this TREMENDOUS evaluation, Mike! It's exactly what I'd hoped for. I've printed it out and will be scrutinising it with a magnifying glass to make sure I don't miss anything.

I can certainly re-work the lyric, and feel motivated now to do so.
With regard to the music, I had mixed feelings about it. I felt as well that two things were happening, and that the interesting part (musically) didn't begin until near the end of the song. I'll get back to the vocalist/composer with this. He did tell me in the beginning that the structure was difficult. Poor bloke! I should have listened to him.

Again, many thanks for devoting so much of your time and expertise on the song.

May I get back to you if I have questions?

Donna

Hi Mike,

Thanks for the generous offer! This song has been kicking around the board for a while and I have revised it several times, incorporating some of the suggestions. It has not been received with overwhelming enthusiasm. Comments pertaining to any aspect of writing or production are welcome.

It is supposed to be country, although I probably don't sound country singing it. I think I would try to pitch it when it is ready. I recognize that it is not much like today's country radio songs. Someone mentioned they could hear Willie Nelson singing it, which suits me, but I guess says it sounds old!

Thanks for checking it out.

[color:#CC0000]Last Night Was The Last Night[/color]

Last Night Was The Last Night
Copyright © 2009 Colin Ward

V1
Waiting at a red light this morning,
Tuned in to the Nashville morning show,
I didn’t notice when the light turned green,
You were on my mind when it was time to go,

They’re talking ‘bout a tornado warning,
But I hardly hear what’s on the radio,

Chorus
‘Cause,
Last night was the last night I’ll see you,
That’s what I heard when I was walking out your door,
Last night was the last night, ‘cause you told me,
That I can’t see you any more

V2
It’ll seem like forever getting over you,
A year or two, maybe more,
I’ll work each day, while I scrape away the glue,
That bonded us so tightly before,

I know you couldn’t let me down easy,
You steered me out and softly closed the door,

Chorus 2
Last night was our last night together,
That’s what I heard when I was walking out your door,
Last night was the last night, ‘cause you told me,
That I can’t see you any more


Bridge
I’ll be hiding all my tears,
I’m living my worst fear,
Heading home across the border where you’ll stay,
You know it would be wrong,
For me to go along,
Try to fit in with their foreign ways.

Instrumental
Chorus 1 x 2

Hi Mike,

I'm interested in what you have say about my simple little ditty.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7190429

My goal when I wrote this song was to write positive feeling lyrics with an easy to follow melody -- something easy to sing along to. I also wanted the song to encourage the listener's imagination... thus the simplicity.

My goals as as songwriter are to build a reputation for well-written songs that can be licensed to successful entertainers. I have never been paid for any of my songs, but I would like to eventually. I've never been interested in performing, except for casual appearances. My lifelong goal has been to write good songs and get them in the right hands.

My questions: Is this song marketable? Is the demo sufficient for this type of music? What are the strengths and weaknesses of this song? What genre suits it best?

I sure appreciate the opportunity for your review. Best wishes to you!

Kevin



Light A Candle

Copyright 2008 Kevin Miller

Verse I

When times get hard,
And you’re feeling sad,
I’m sure things can’t be all that bad.
I’ll light a candle for you,
And you’ll feel better.

And when your luck,
Has all run dry,
Maybe what it takes is one more try.
I’ll light a candle for you,
And you’ll feel better.

Chorus:

We can only hope the future’s bright.
Cross our fingers,
Try to do things right.
The years will turn us old and grey,
But we’ll make friends, every step along the way.
I’ll light a candle for you.
You light a candle, too.

Verse II

If there’s a yearning down in your soul,
Don’t let bad feelings take control.
I’ll light a candle for you,
And you’ll feel better.

And if the darkness, ever brings you fear,
Just keep in mind that I’m right here.
I’ll light a candle for you.
And you’ll feel better.

Chorus

Hey Mike, this is a pretty cool thing your doing here and it looks
like a lot of people are going to take you up on your offer so
if you get around to this one it would be appreciated, if not no
worries.

I'm not a performer and my goals are pretty simple if not, cliched,
I want to write the best songs I possibly can, produced to a
standard that is acceptable to a publisher or artist
and ultimately have someone record them.

I don't write or try to write in any specific style or genre,
if something sounds good I run with it, this one like
many others I left drift into the skin it is in, which
may not be the skin it should be in, that maybe a flaw of
mine to let a song settle instead of guiding it, it's a
lot sweeter than my norm, I think and maybe wrongly that
it's a sort of boy band pop ballad, so if you the time
to give me some advise don't hold back I can take it,
thanks,

Tony.


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=674219&songID=7296978

Every Given Day

Verse 1
They say absence makes the heart
Grow fonder but I just wonder
Why that has to be
Because every time you leave again
My heart aches goes and breaks
Quietly and unseen
Every time you are away

Chorus
The miss you days
We’ll see them through
Every taken day
The time we lose
Always here for you
Wait to share with you
Every given day

Verse 2
Sometimes in the dark of night
I lie awake and hold you tight
And just listen to you breath
For it won’t be long I know before
You must go where your needed more
To the greater need I concede
Every time you go away

Repeat chorus

Bridge
Always be there for each other
Near or far together we are

Verse 3
I can close my eyes and see your face
You fill the space like a waking dream
And I’ll make do with daydreams of you
Till you come back and stay

Repeat chorus

Tony Atkinson © copyright


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=674219&songID=7296978

See ya next year, Sub.

Wow, go Sub! What a guy!

BUMP

Aussie fan

Michele

Hows it going Mike?

Don't you go over doing it hah,

Hows Tripp?

It is great to see you here!

Mike could you email that great song of Glynda's, you know that song that the singer is like Wow, and producer that done an amazing job on it is like Wow, How these walls cry out, pretty please.

Aussie friend

Big hugs

Michele

Hi Michele

Not too bad thanks for asking. I been fighting back & trying not to let the nonsense take me down to far.

Tripp is a little sick but she's tough, the poor girl just works to hard. Never stopped working since 14 really.

I'm overdoing it just a touch, it's 7:45 am I still have not gone to sleep. I brought a drummer in today to work on the "Nowhere Man" song challenge thing. I tortured the poor guy, but nicely. Very talented drummer but needs TONS of direction.
I wasn't physically capable of doing it myself. Boy is it coming out Killer! I wasn't even gonna do it at all, but now I'm treating it like a record label hired me to do it well almost

4 hours on drums alone!

I sent you the "Walls" song a few minutes ago,

Hi Donna - Cooooool

I'm so glad it helped! Yes get back to me right here on this thread!
And thanks for being a real PRO about everything! You'd be surprised!

Hi Mike

Yipee, I can't wait to get it hah. Thanks.

Tell Tripp I said Hi! And tell her not to over do it, us girls are good at pushing ourselves too much hah.

And this girl here can't wait to listen to all these "Nowhere Man" versions. YIPEE. Killers hah! 4 hours drumming, Wow, and you better get some sleep Mike hey!

Michele
Aussie friend

Hi Mike,

I would love to hear your comments one this one. I'm just a hobbyist home recording noob and would like feedback on the mix and any tips and/or suggestions to make it better.

Thanks,
Tim

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7277627

Thank you Jesus

I did'nt know she had left me
I had no idea for how long
So I just played the hand she dealt me
And thanked the Lord above she's finally gone
Thank you Jesus - was'nt sure you could hear me
What took you so long?
I could'nt please her - and it cost me dearly
Thank you lord she's finally gone
Now the house - is always quiet
Ballgames always on TV
And I'm not worried about no - crazy diet
Nobody's bitching at me
Late at night the house it sure feels cold
Sleeping on the floor it sure gets old
Thank you Jesus - was'nt sure you could hear me
What took you so long?
I could'nt please her - and it cost me dearly
Thank you Lord she's finally gone

copyright (c) 2009 by Tim Etheridge

Hi Ricki

We should talk a bit before we listen. I'm familiar with your work as I'm familiar with so so many others work here. I have been listening for nearly four years now.
I also understand the circumstances. One thing I know is most of the time YOU write like "The Artist" them self

What's good is that you understand the situation your in musically,doesn't make it any less tough, as a matter of fact it's tougher. It's amazing how far some other people who don't THINK at all can go But those people are ALWAYS The Artist & they are ALWAYS young.

All I can really say is a "Cliche" just write the best songs you can, the better they are and people will listen. Yes But what good is me telling you that? It's true but it's nonsense as well. You need a PLAN! You need help! And you need a break! And besides that commitment,drive,perseverance and some talent.

I believe you have all those things going for you, not sure how far your willing to go & sacrifice. But that is something you learn as you get to know somebody.

This song is REALLY nice! I mean it's got a wonderful quality to it. You remind me of our own Wendy D. You guys have different styles but your situations & dilemmas are the same. It might actually benefit the both of you if neither of you could sing at all whatsoever lol... Because you both have nice voices and that's a good thing but it often causes mental anguish. Almost good enough, Sometimes really good, not good today.

When you guys talk or think about your singing it hurts your confidence. And sometimes or better yet, lots of times that rolls over into hurting everything else.
You need to do what i have told Wendy to do....

1- YOU are the star Write your songs and sing them yourself BEST that you can.
Even if you go on to make a better demo and you decide to have someone else sing them. KEEP a copy of you doing it for yourself,family & friends and probably some fans as well. THis is why I make instrumental mixes for folks.. mainly so later anyone can sing over them. Once your version is out of the way you can decide which songs are going to get the treatment. And most importantly get that weight of your shoulders. Nothing to loose there.

2- Play into your strengths - You have a great feel for music, it's bluesy,jazzy, sexy, humerous, and you have a nice knack for a "hooking mood"
You have hooks in your songs but a "hooking mood" is what I refer to songs that don't necessarily have that BIG "Greatest Love OF All" choruses!
MANY many many many many did I say many? Artist today have that exact thing going on. And they are making money, winning grammies etc.. etc..

Now you write "like the artist"
So YOu would have to be in there circle to get them to take one of there songs off there CD and put yours in there cause your a wonderful writer and a friend. Well start playing the quick pick lotto you have a better chance there lol...
Which leads us to #3

3- BY means of our boards here and other places, friends and those who's opinion you trust. Pick a few of your best songs!!
And have them done so now they sound LIKE THE ARTIST as well. i know it aint easy but it's the only way to go. the only step in the right direction.
OR - write & co-write Country songs or Teeny Bop Pop songs, or Teen Urban Pop,w/ Hip Hop etc... 1) Is that whatt you WANT to do? 2) Is it your strength?

Which lead us back to #3 There are singers! Some of whom are online friends that are artists also who can sing!!
Now we could could run that whole "give artists your material" ya know ones who AREN'T big stars who may actually even consider doing outside material. Ya know go through all the thousands on My Space, on other sites etc... etc.. etc...
And grow old and wither away while your waiting, while your at it...

It would be a wonderful thing to find that ARTIST who can be the voice,look,style and ambassador for your songs or music career and dreams! Even if it was someone you managed as well. My good friend MIke A did that, fortunately that artist was Bruce Springsteen. And we still can't get anywhere these days.

4- I've said it for years! Film and TV is the ONLY place for the writer who writes closer to "The Artist" Or "The Band" unless that "Artist" is the poppy pop you hear all day on the radio. It's SO HARD to earn a living with film & tv now, not just competition but unless it does well. YOU make no money!
There are a few sites some people have been talking about, I forget off hand but Wendy knows one of them & so does John Daubert.

*Things happen in stages! You write some strong material, best you can. You make it sound as GOOD as possible. You shop it where you can.... YOu like me need EXPOSURE! We all do. I've been stuck in the last stage for a decade now, I had good stuff last decade but naturally the better stuff is in this last decade.
Don't wait for a HIT! Do good hard work, make the most out of what is in "YOUR hands, Can't worry like I do lol.. what the industry is gonna say

Have the best you can do in your hands,and you'll always have that to cherish and be proud of. And it's the thing that could lead to the next step and next level.

Late Night Radio

What a COOL! song Ricki. Great mood! " Mood hook" with a catchy chorus as well. I love it!

Great un-formula about this song... if we sneaked in just a touch more of "formula" I mean sneak it by in a cool unknowing way this could be killer!

LOVE the verse melody but REALLY LOVE the chorus melody. I didn't get enough of it!
But since we are The Cool Artist" and not well whoever lol.. we don't have to pound you with the same part over & over.
Boy I would kill to hear Norah Jones sing this..... Do you know it's a FACT that both you and Wendy write better lyrics than her. She is a great musical talent! And her words fit her stuff.

I say "YES" this song is worth tweeking a few lines (phrasing wise) so it just sings a little smoother in places.

Lets take those lines LINE BY LINE there aren't many I tell ya!

Since I was young
Now my life is playing on late night radio
Late night radio

I really like what you have here and I'm sure the more I hear it the more I'll like it.
But I can't help but wonder if we could the bottom of the chorus to be as PERFECT as the top. It has this great groove melody then it gets spacious and slightly lets me off the hook. Ah but MIke "We are the artist we don't have to worry about all that" LOL reply - you're right but still it CAN'T hurt. When I think of that BIG HIT
"Unwritten" I see great lyrics and hooks that DO NOT STOP! what a GREAT POP pop song. One of the best in recent times

After midnight on the radio
Memories of lost years long ago

Like the imagery and it's good to use "Radio" alot in the song,makes sense too.
But.... it can restrict our potential for saying other cool stuff. Ya know what I mean?

Also every time the "O" sound is used it's always "Radio" first. It's intentional I'm sure but maybe a switch up would sound nice or nicer..

Also I like that you change it to -
revealed for ALL to hear
Music we used to share
When we were so unaware

But then again. so many "Artist" are bit selfy lol.. maybe keeping everything as close as "I" and more personal as possible. I mean use the seconds persons and the we's and us if and when it really counts but if possible keep it tight and personal.
ME ME ME poor Me I have a problem doing that in my songs, I'm always speaking for everyone lol..

But what you have is excellent and the last verse is mint.... and it gets right back to
"YOU"

Are revealed for all to hear
Music we used to share
When we were so unaware
That an end could be so near

This is my least favorite verse, but there has to be one for everyone lol... I still like it though, it's growing on me. See I'm just as undecided and confused as you are lol

And last of all a few lifts vocally, subtle ones And a shorter instrumental section.. maybe with a nice short solo in there it would seem shorter.

This CHORUS HAs to come back in the end it's just TOO good to not repeat. Like I tell everybody.. Do Not Run From Your Chorus! especially when you got a strong one.
-------------------------
Well I'm white as a ghost here, kinda have been all day & night really. Can't sit up straight any longer..... But that's my life

Hope this helped some Ricki. I think this song is a definite and one you should pursue. Find the perfect singer for it, they are out there, I'll look for you as well.

This chorus is in my head BIGTIME after one listen!

Hi Mike,

This is so FREAKIN' awesome! Thank you so much for taking time out of your day, I know you have so few "good" minutes in your days, to do this for me, for all of us. This song has been on the top of my list of favs and you have confirmed that it should be. I would like for it to be better.
I am already contemplating dumping the musical bridge and adding a repeat of the chorus at the end. I thought originally that the bridge would break it up a bit, so it wouldn't be monotonous. My songs tend to get that way because I have a less than dynamic voice. It lulls listeners into a false sense of well being
Anyway, lots of points, all of which are good and have me thinking. Just when you think it's done...
As for the previous post, your comparison of me to Wendy warmed my heart. I love her style, but can't identify it and that's why I like her music. It's a little left of what we usually hear so it sticks with you longer. That's what I strive for.
Of your 4 points of advice, I am at number 3, trying to distance myself from my songs and look at them more objectively, picking out the "best". It's hard to get anyone else to do this. My own husband and sister won't tell me their favs, or least favorite songs! Unfortunately, picking out the ones to have done professionally turns out to be the easy part. Actually getting them done will be the challenge.$$$
Thanks again for your thoughts. This has been invaluable. All good things.

Ricki

I woke-up this morning and felt my ears itching. I'm not going to hijack this critique thread, but just wanted to say that I'm not in Ricki's league and she is light years ahead of me in terms of vocal ability and musical ability. But I do appreciate Mike saying that I have a similar dilemma, in that I write artist-type songs. All similarities between Ricki and myself end there. Thanks, Mike and Ricki too.

Well...you're also both overly critical of your own beautiful voices.

Someone we all know and love, and who is not around to defend herself at the moment, has accused herself of being "a narcissist with low self-esteem looking for constant validation and kudos". I can't speak for Wendy, but this could be the story of my life. Sorry Mike, you can have your thread back now

Hi Ricki

Your very welcome!

We'll tell you which songs right here!

An actual bridge could very sweet on this song, but it can't be forced.
If anything a short musical section with some add lib vocals around it may be a nice alternative.

The challenge of $$$ ah yes, I'm facing that alot in these recent years,never knew about it before. See I would work my jobs as a Longshoreman 17 years and before that as a Postal Worker & A House Painter, Furniture Mover etc... etc...

I spent EVERYTHING I ever made! Ever! how freaking crazy was I? lol
That is part of what I mean when I say "commitment" I put strings on my bass and let teeth fall out of my mouth. I can have my ass handed to me but never ever ever by being outworked or someone being more committed. Only tied! lol
I've outlasted every person I have ever known.

Nothing, nothing in this life or world has come before my music unless it is an emergency situation of course. And even then please don't need to go to the emergency room if I'm laying down tracks! LOL

But not everyone has to be that way....

So this is what i suggest you do.... Do it in steps! And you can get it done a little bit over a short time period. Doesn't have to be all at once/

1- Lay down this keyboard to a click track!!!! Do it over & over till it's perfect.

2- Lay down the best vocal you can, it will be your vocal version and a reference for the other singer! So far 2 BIG steps and it has cost you 0 nothing!

Now anybody else who works with it from there will have the main instrument &
the click to play in time to, and the vocal to know where they are and what they are stepping on.

3- This song gets a nice soft drum track 4- Bass for sure - And maybe subtle guitar and 5- Percussion or subtle keyboard, embellishments and that solo section

The right female vocalist is the biggest key of course.

You say to yourself - Can I maybe afford to do this over a months time?

This has nothing to do with you or your situation....
Some People come to my studio, then many times they don't get back for months or longer. They ALWAYS say, well I don't have the money, and i was busy etc...

Then ALWAYS during the night they say things in conversations like "my skiing trip was" And "yes it's a 2008 Nissan" and "Yes I saw Jill we went out to dinner a few weeks ago" And ya wanna go out for a smoke at $9 bucks a pack"
"OH I was so drunk that night we had such a blast" and on & on.

Now that's FINE for them God Bless, enjoy! but you see my point!

I have had bands come in, not have the money to pay me,yet I watched them
drink,smoke, & eat more than I charged, them right n front of my eyes. lol...

They cry about not getting anywhere but they put everything in front of there music. Again this is not me TALKING to you Ricki This is for everyone, cause I bet there isn't anyone here who can say "I never did that"
It's only human I se it over & over & over again!

Enough ranting lol... Break it down and do what you can when you can, ONE REALLY GOOD SONG & A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF IT in ONE YEAR is worth more than 16 songs you wrote and threw together in 6 weeks!

Oh you! I'll straighten you out!! lol....

I been listening to you sing all night by the way!

Boy Am I tough! & nuts, reading back some of the things I write!

I wish I could talk to you's instead, it all comes out so differently that way, Talk about enthusiasm.
Actually funny too, I can make Scott laugh NON stop! I mean non stop! And a few others.

I can't believe that I'm actually the softy, sweetheart that I have been told I am all my life. LOL.. I feel like such a miserabe

Don't listen to me anymore, what the hell do I know!

Okay YA see how much we are alike and understand each other!

Michele

I heard this song ONCE! and NEVER forgot the chorus! EVER! It is THAT catchy!

This is a hit song, has to land in the right situation, as well as hands as it's a serious song but has a playful novel feel & vibe. And it's got an old school country pop way about it.

All The Best Michele there is nothing to review, Just hope you can repeat this level of work. Its really really really hard to write something this catchy. Okay "you can do it"

Hi Mike

It is that Catchy, Wow, A Hit Song, and No Crits, thanks so much Mike, I have emotional tears.

Back later.

Michele
Aussie friend

Hi Colin Old buddy thanks for sharing

This is pretty well crafted! And the song has a nice feel. It has nothing "wrong" with it. The reason you may not be getting the spark from it is, even though it's technically got everything in place, it's just kinda laying there! I don't think it's a "Hit" song candidate. BUT you can still make it stronger and much more appealing.
Then you'll be able to re-look it. Just doing the best you can with it is always a good thing.

I usually think music first cause we all know it's the "Music" that draws you to a song first. But in this case I think looking briefly at the lyrics is part of that "sparK" I'm talking about.

1- You're not taking any risks here really - Love the title! But it seems the story could bring the thought of the title into play more and more importantly the story can use some "spark"

Here is one spot -

They’re talking ‘bout a tornado warning,
But I hardly hear what’s on the radio,

A song runs out of real estate fast, especially this style of song a story song or anything geared towards Country.

Right on this last line - But I hardly hear what’s on the radio, you could really use more support to the chorus. Just Thinking out loud here....
There talking about tornadoes, but you've already had a bomb dropped on you last night

It’ll seem like forever getting over you,
A year or two, maybe more,
I’ll work each day, while I scrape away the glue,
That bonded us so tightly before,

No edge here! and words like "bonded" I appreciate the cleverness & thought with the "glue & the bonding" but those words and thoughts are not appealing enough.

People are already sad when these things happen.. You want to remind them of things there really gonna "catch the listeners ear"

Here's another line I'd look at:
Try to fit in with their foreign ways.

It gets off point, again "real estate"

Lyrically it just needs to be more substantial overall.
------------------------------------------

2- You have a GREAT intro, love the opening riffs.
The arrangement is very good throughout,perfect and having the opening riff after the choruses is GREAT! And at the ending!

The SECOND half of the chorus, the second "last night" line is the strongest piece of the whole song, naturally. But it maybe better to start with it as the chorus. I know you start lower & lift in the second half (makes sense) but I'm not feeling enough from this chorus as it is when it comes in. Maybe it's too close to the verse melodically in a way.

Also the second line is just too long or busy for me.
That’s what I heard when I was walking out your door,

I would love to hear the melody you go slightly up on in line three put on the first chorus line.
Then repeat it again on line three like you have it, maybe just adding the harmony this time.

Last night was the last night I’ll see you, (Same melody has line 3)
That’s what I heard when I was walking out your door,
Last night was the last night, ‘cause you told me, (Best hook is here USE IT)
That I can’t see you any more

The second line, the long one REALLY need to have something special there. The pay off ending is fine, but I wish it could "say more" there. Even if it's simple!
-----------------------------------------

Play with the phrasing some, but re-think it lyrically if you wanna get it out & about.
What I like to do when I'm working with songs that have to make a lot of sense lol and I know others do it "MAke A List"

If I were working with you here I'd say Colin, Last Night was the last night that ---
they would...

laugh
cry
make love to each other
lie

kiss
hug
comfort each other
snug

have a drink, share a smoke, laugh at each others jokes, talk, complain
get in each others way, eat, sleep, planning, sharing.....

Then when your talking "Country" you double & triple down in details of all that! it's very,very "Hokey" to me so i don't attempt it much.. but that's what they do. Still demands lots of thought and I respect the work... It's not just a drink but
a brand name as well etc...

The BIG key!
Make me CARE about these people! I feel no loss, give them something to lose!


Good work Colin, the production is not a factor yet here really so no need to get into it. But piano will help this song instrument wise...

Hey Mike,

Thanks for the thorough review of my song Last Night Was The Last Night. I have copied your thoughts to my word processor so I can be reminded of what you said when I revise the lyrics. I know you do not have to take the time to do this so it is very much appreciated.

You raise a lot of good points mainly about the lack of appeal of the lyrics......not personal enough or engaging enough is what I am taking away.

Someone else also recommended modifying this line "That’s what I heard when I was walking out your door". They suggested omitting "when I was". I had a hard time singing it that way because I had done it the original way so many times! But it definitely needs a trim.

I know exactly what you mean about the melody in the first line of the chorus. It occurred to me to do what you suggested but obviously I didn't follow through.

I like the idea of making a list - you have a good start on one. So that's my next step - Make a list, incorporate more details and add some emotion.

Thanks again for the review and at some point you will hear a revised (hopefully improved) version.

Cheers,

Colin

Sub, rip me to shreds
my goal is to make a million bucks, then come to NY and eat pizza...
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=7326094

(ok made all the changes now)



Cafe Ole'
she starts her shift
bell rings
orders up
higher than her minimum wage
and if her feet
didn't hurt
so much
she'd try to run away


same old crowd
for breakfast
and lunch
knows them all by their 1st name
just where they'll sit
how much they'll tip
it's always the same
down at cafe ole

she's a simple girl with simple wishes
she wishes she was anywhere but here
what she really wants is someone
to take her away, take her away,
from cafe ole


maybe a tropical hideaway, he'll bring her drinks
while she soaks up the sun, then soaks her feet


she's a simple girl with simple wishes
she wishes she was anywhere but here
what she really wants is someone
to take her away, take her away,
from cafe ole

she's a simple girl with simple wishes
she wishes she was anywhere but here
what she really wants is someone
to take her away, take her away
from cafe ole'

Hi Kevin

Very enjoyable tune. You have a very very good sense of song. All positive in arrangement, rythym, meter, phrasing. Some nice hooks also!
First impulse this really put me sitting outside, at a campfire, sing along type of song.

You totally reached your goals on this Kev, it is easy to sing, and a total positive feeling. I liked that you kept it vague so that the listener could get the idea but put there own thoughts and feelings into the song. Ya know not being told exactly what to think.

Now your goals
If this is you playing and singing I liked it.... I would write more songs, build up a nice set and play out in some small venues. This can create a little buzz for you and build your confidence and strengths. Seems this song could fall into Christian Music and other spiritual genres. It's not to over the top and would connect.

NOW - all the positive things in your song crafting that are working for you in this song are all good, BUT if you start to branch out and look to get into the more profitable genres and areas you'll need to customize some.
Lyrically - You would need to be more contemporary and universal. You may have other tunes that do that. I didn't see any on your page.

The subject matter of this song although not alien to many people will not give your song as big an audience. It's not in the more popular genre's. And if you want to pitch songs you'll need to branch out.

Then after that your songs will have to stand out... Songs in the flavor "Light A Candle" will do that, just but pretty much just where I said I immediatley envisioned it. A campfire at the beach, at church, and late on stage in a bar with friends and fans.

Look forward to hearing where you go, I think you are musical! But you may only be staying in your "safe zone" Look forward to hearing something else soon.

Hi Tony

Thanks for sharing.

Okay rather than talk about structure and lyrical content and more songy stuff
I think it's best to just talk about "music in general" and where your at with it and what you want to do with it. I feel at this point that is more important!
Oh and no "boy band" on this one.

Part of your goal is to ultimately have someone record your songs. Now that can be easily obtained however the level of the people recording them is where the big struggle is.

To me you are not a pop songwriter, or one that suits contemporary artists best. Your strength would be in more group like songs. Now I know your not a performer
and the dominant instrument here was the piano/keyboard. So maybe your base in music is Piano/keyboard. Correct?

As strangers and as it stands, I would have you in a band playing keys. Also you would write for & with the band but as contributor/collaborator.

When I was a kid well not a kid kid but 19 lol I was in an all original band finally. I wrote some songs(very few) but mostly I would bring a song IDEA to practice. If the others guys liked it we would fool with it. Now it could have been a Bass riff, or a few chords, maybe one section with melodies, maybe a verse or just a chorus idea.

Then we would build on it, somebody would focus on lyrics, others on arrangements, sometimes just single musical parts,there parts.

Your STRENGTH is you have some nice chords changes happening & feel. This mood can be built on! You have structure for arrangement and some nice melodies. Other talented people could jump on this.
Lyrics are not a strength, that should be done by one of the other band members
until you can develop more with them. Doesn't mean you don't try or inject ideas but you need to get more expierence with writing. Now I know there's NO BAND lo but there are collaborators and lyricst all over these boards.

I don't know your situation,situation meaning more personal. But I would think anyone should focus on there strengths first. Time is probably valuable, not everyone is great at everything so - do you have time to work real hard and become a great lyricist? Or a HIT song lyricist. Or both? You don't have to be a killer or great lyricist to write hit lyrics but.... you need skills, creativity, and you really have to be in tune with your market. Lyrics have to be singable etc..
Actually you don't have to be a killer anything to be rich & successful but you do need PRODUCT. Being really solid at something even one specific thing is usually a must.

So before you can think about, recording,production,networking,pitching, there's developing and focusing to consider.

Where your song is sitting is the toughest spot to be in, "just sitting there"
No edge or not enough emotional softness or content. using cliche words or overused words is one thing. But overused full thoughts and images is another.

In other words we will all keep rhyming - Do & You till the end of time.
But what can we do around them to set it up a little.

You have-
And I’ll make do with daydreams of you
Till you come back and stay

Don't know your situation,situation meaning more personal. But I would think anyone should focus on there strengths first. Time is probably valuable, not everyone is great at everything so - do you have time to work real hard and become a great lyricist? Or a HIT song lyricist. Or both? You don't have to be a killer or great lyricist to write hit lyrics but.... you need skills, creativity, and you really have to be in tune with your market. Lyrics have to be singable etc..
Actually you don't have to be a killer anything to be rich & successful but you do need PRODUCT. Being really solid at something even one in specific thing is usually a must. Also maybe focusing "On a specific genre" may help greatly.

I would build on this music and inject a new set of lyrics, see what happens, be productive and keep working. Your a musical guy Tony you gotta find your groove and what makes you happy first then see what it does for others. Then You'll know!

Mr. Louis

No ripping! lol and yer welcome to come for pizza without the million bucks lol..
But bring enough for pizza.....

I'm wiped out a bit at 6:08 am now. But your gonna laugh, I was just about to listen to your song. And in my mind I already had an idea of what i was gonna start to tell you. Which is my bad... but still there's good part.

I was gonna assume and say Louis
Your a very solid songwriter, lyricist. I would love for you to step out of your pocket more and hit me with something more musical. You can sometimes fall into a pattern as we all do. This happens for many reasons, one is our playing.. we play our instruments but write songs with them so we don't really develop too much on them,at least not quickly. Then on top of that when that feels stale next comes the phrasing, melody and meter. And WORST of all if we write a ton of songs LOL the changes seems to NEVER come!

So I put this on an you answered ALL my questions and did EXACTLY what I was gonna ask you do. Louis you have your own style & pace and pocket (groove)
I think this time you really stepped it up and outside of it as well.

This is WONDERFUL I shut it off a while a guy to type, and the chorus has not left my head. Just One listen!

Would love to hear some words sung just a touch more... All the phrasing works great like this...
what she really wants is someone
to take her away, take her away,

As I was singing immediately, I wanted to hear "someone" not feel as rushed. It works and it's tricky but just a few longer notes by a tad.... A few tweeks in melody and arrangment and your cooking! Song was missing a third verse for me in structure, the clock don't lie either 2:37 or something perhaps too short and with all those ending choruses.

The chord moves, the rythym, the feel, phrasing, all what I wouldn't have expected.
You always give quality but I didn't expect this variety...

I'll be back this is a WINNER... I can hear Shawn Colvin "Sunny Came Home"
singing this. This would be a GREAT singer/songwriter artist/pop commercial song!

I'm VERY proud and happy for you......

Hi Mike. You are really going all-out on these reviews!

Thanks for giving such a thorough look at my song. Your observations are going to be a big help. I'm going to use your write-up for periodical reality checks as I take on my challenges.

Thank you for the encouragement and advice.

Best to you,

Kevin Miller

Mike, would love to hear your thoughts on this song. I'm not a songwriter looking to pitch songs, but an aspiring artist, planning to write and record my own album of original, distinctive songs of a high artistic value and hopefully some commercial appeal. So, as I have lofty ambition, feel free to rip into any aspect of the song! Thanks Lucian.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7334219

Shepherd With No Sheep - Words & Music Copyright(c) 2009 Lucian Shepherd

I saw a sign once, written in the clouds and
I ran towards it, and pastures green I found
But there was nothing, nothing there but sheep
Grazing with rest. I don't belong with the meek

A met a man once, he posed a profound question
And told me secrets of the lost soul's ending
"Find the answer and you will be set free
Don't stop running, don't look back, the truth is there to seek"

I strung up Jesus in my guitar
And I sang a song of blasphemy for a hundred bars
The B string snapped, my fingers bled as I made my final plea
Take this poison from my soul and it is yours keep,
Or else leave me alone, a shepherd with no sheep

I wrote my own rules carved on sleeping tablets
I tried to smash them with a dogwood mallet
But they flow through me, to them my soul belongs
Can you free a slave who's got nowhere to run?

I strung up Jesus in my guitar
And I sang a song of blasphemy for a hundred bars
The B string snapped my fingers bled as I made my final plea
Take this poison from my soul and it is yours keep,
Or leave me alone, a shepherd with no sheep
The question has no answer there's nothing left to seek

Hey Mike, thanks for this, your right about lyrics I don't spend
enough time on them and I guess it shows, melodies come very
quickly but I could grow old writing words so I get impatient
and go with what I think is just about ok, or as I said at the
top I settle for and that's not good enough,

You've given me good advise, either work harder or get some help,
I think my focus should be more fully on the music, that's where
I'm more naturally inclined and more time spent there would be
time better spent, so I guess I'll be checking out the lyrics
board more often,

Appreciate the time you spent on this and it's been really
helpful, thanks again,

Tony

Got it all re-recorded now Sub.. I was able to sing the chorus like you suggested, I think.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=7326094

Tony & Kevin

Your very welcome. I'm really glad you found it encouraging. Wish i had the exact answers but if i did I of used them all up myself already lol...

Lucian I'll check out your tune asap.... thanks!

Louis - I just want to hear it sing like a bird

Tim

Very nice work! The song was pleasant and well done.

You have a very good ear especially for someone newer to this. Very good blend of instruments and where they sat. Never did you go to far up or down with anything.
This style of music can sound fantastic when it's sonically more powerful and clear and precise. BUT it also is the kind that works very well when it's laid back and simple also not so "high fidelity" it puts you in a place and or another time period.

What you had here that made ALL the difference in the world was some good playing. Can't make bad playing sound good unless you really have the RIG lol but that is usually applied for young rock bands and pop acts.

I think a little more time spent on the sound of individual instruments when your recording would help. But the blend of what you have is very good. Pitchy on some vocal spots but nice harmony and style. Everythinh is even and sounded like it belonged together.

What can and often happens as you keep recording you'll get better sounds on one or two instruments and not another. So then what happens is the not so great ones REALLY stand out. That's why this one blends nothing is taking attention away from anything else. Good levels, no overuse of effects. Vox were a little loud for me in spots but not bad at all, and sometimes you want a mix with the vocals up a notch or two.

Keep at it your a natural, what did you play on here and how many samples if any were used?

Thanks Mike! I sang and played the rhythm guitars, bass, and simple banjo (you have to listen for it), my Mom played the guitar break and the fiddle. I recorded each track individually and one at at time and had everything ready for when my Mom came up for a visit - She lives a couple of hours away. I'm not sure what you mean by "samples" but I didn't use anything other than real instruments. The harmony vocals were from a digitech vocalist pro effects processor. Everything was recorded in a very small spare bedroom - the only space the wife will give up for my musical stuff.

Very cool, even more impressive! You have a lot of good things going on then.
It may take a bit longer to develop them all as you are doing more than writing words or even songs. Keep at it all and really focus on what you thinks' most important to you.

Hi Mike,

I am almost embarrassed to post this song for you to critique. It won't be like any other you have heard of mine lol. It is the second craziest song I've written, with opossum still first, lol. I wrote this over a track I found from lpone.

I suspect it has so many flaws in the recording and music and mix that they could never be fixed. I have no control over the noise I hear in the recording.

I guess I am interested in knowing your opinion on whether it is too far out there to be even considered a commercial song and if I should delete it and forget I ever did it as fast as I can lol. By the way, it was based on an actual true story.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7363442

Hardware Store
©2009 Letha Allen/music lpone

Well I found him down at the hardware store
Said ma’m can I help you find what you lookin for
Led me down the isle, then he checked me out
Can’t believe what I found at the hardware store

At the hardware store
You can find anything that you need
From the hardware store

Yea he sold me flowers for me brand new deck
And he sold me the fixtures showed me how to affix
And he sold me on meeting him after his shift
Nobodys ever sold me like that hardware man did

At the hardware store
You can find anything that you need
From the hardware store

Lead


At the hardware store
At the hardware store you can find anything
The hardware store

Hardware store
At the hardware store

At the hardware store

From that hardware man
At the hardware store


Hardware store

Hardware store man

Hardware store

Hardware store man

Hi Lucian

Ah maybe my favorite kind of music, the kind you can't pitch for a cut
I would have known this wasn't for getting a cut but I'm so happy that everyone included there goals,ideas and intentions on this thread, What a difference it makes, puts us on the same page. And now we don't waste to much time talking about song-writing rules and does & don'ts and all the rest of the text book.

Too many people put everything in the same bag, well not everything fits in the same bag.

This was a very very cool song. As we go I hate to sound like I'm making assessments but I have to talk a certain way so that not only you & I will figure some stuff out but others can as well. So sometimes I have to step outside of who I am which is someone alot like you. If I let that side of me take over than I'll just be a fan and offer no help lol....

I really liked the lyrics. You said things I DIDN"T expect! the only thing I would consider a tiny bit would be making sure certain words sing well. or feel right. So phrasing & SOUND of voice is huge! Gotta sound cool always!! right means cool!
You do pretty darn well for the most part.

This song & you are all about emotion, mood style, and freedom.

Many outside this world might hear this and think. Hmm musically-
okay vocals are pitchy, timing issues, playing is not sharply executed the words are strange etc...

But artists and BANDS with GREAT success share that exact same thing many times over.
The things that could seem wrong is what makes them so right on...
If The Ramones depended on timing and pitch they would have never made it to the hall of fame

I think talkng about YOU is more important than this particular song right now.

All you need to do is hit that perfect balance

Keep your style & pureness but add a touch of the other end, don't get to proficient lol it will hurt you! Actually getting very proficient but hiding it a bit is the real key...

You are talented & creative. Keep adding & building on what you have so stronger vocals with some work on pitch would be awesome...

BIG KEY - Where's your band?? I think you have great ideas here and musical parts that are both catchy & cool. Dido's for executing it all this well by yourself!! And I mean that!

Great drum ideas - but now you need a drummer. It's not tight enough so it weakens the song. Guitars were cool.... You need a bassist, and having others influences always helps more than it hurt.

A well worked out band & a producer will be HUGE for you!
All these things will take your music & everything to another level.

When I think back on of bands like Bush I think wow cool loose fun style but man they are tight and strong.

Hey look at our mutual band the "Farm" we had to replay everything cause of timing but that's there energy captured which is more important especially for a band.

A good example of one of us trying to hit that middle is Jim Offerman, his songs like your are not going to Nashville but he's getting tight and sounding good. Also like you he has hooks and commercial appeal.

I always have the intention of letting someone else have my songs.. I'm too old for it to be any other way. But knowing film & TV is the only slim hope I have to execute them to a certain level....

All this song needs is EXECUTION on everything. A good producer will get those notes you sing to be both cool still and more presentable to any listener.

LOVE the intro by the way!!! You just have to make that step into the land of no return Band! rehearsals with writing rehearsals, Gigs!!! Recording!! Promoting!And while your young which is HORT

This will cost you - 1-relationships! 2- Money 3- Dearly!!

All the best!