JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 When I'm Just a Memory (rewrite-again)

OK, fresh ink (2 minutes old), nit...crit...but be honest! Has a base melody, slow tempo, female, no specific genre, could be almost anything, I think. Y'all lmk what your thoughts are, I do appreciate the feedback. The last verse is actually a possible bridge, same format, I know, but hey, I didn't write a chorus, so this is different for me.

The REWRITE added a verse, took out the single line in the middle

When I’m Just a Memory
©2009 Caroline Holder

When I’m Just a Memory
What will make you think of me
Will it be a sunny day at the beach
A swing hung on an old oak tree
When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory
Will laughter shared be your company
What will you find to bring you peace
Or put your battered heart at ease
When I’m Just a Memory


Bridge
Make sure our babies
know who I wanted to be
Tell them, I’m watching them grow
I see, their smiles, tears, loves and fears,
I can hear them
All the prayers they send
when they’re on their knees

When I’m Just a Memory
When photos are faded history
Of what love was supposed to be
And time moves on without you and me
When I’m Just a memory


Tag
When I’m Just a Memory
When I’m Just a memory








ORIGINAL with the first edits
When I’m Just a Memory
©2009 Caroline Holder

When I’m Just a Memory
What will it take for make you to think of me
Will it be a sunny day at the beach
Or maybe the swing hung on that an old oak tree
When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory
Will the laughter we shared keep be your company
What will you look for find to bring you peace
And do you think your heart will be at ease
When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory
What happens when photos are faded history
And time moves on without you and me
Will there come a day when life’s in harmony
When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory
Make sure our babies
know who I wanted to be
Tell them, I’m watching them grow
and I can still see, their smiles, tears, loves and fears,
I can hear them
All the prayers they send
when they’re on their knees
When I’m Just a memory

When I’m Just a Memory
When I’m Just a Memory
When I’m Just a memory

I looked it over I found only minor nits that I would do if it was mine, I would eliminate as many words as that, and,etc and try condensing it without losing the meaning(this is what I would do)I like the overall lyric and when the right music this could be purty gooood!

hey, I'll take purty good.....that's gooder-n-snuff, but not near as dusty. LOL....I do agree, sometimes it's better to take out the fat, so when the music comes, what needs trimmin, will be trimmed! I have this horrible issue with making what I write, fit the melody I want, but it doens't always work that way when I get it to the real singers and musicians, so that will be all worked out, eventually.


Thanks for the read, nubbin!

Hi Caroline,
That's a really good hook. I didn't even recall it being used though I suppose it has in some form. However BMI didn't show any at all.
The story looks pretty good too.
The main nit I'd have it that it's pretty "wordy"
If you've got a "head tune', it probably works with that but I think it'll eventually require some "paring down"
Not finding much else to nit , I'll pare down a couple verses as I'd see the, not necessarily as you'd see them

When I’m Just a Memory
©2009 Caroline Holder

When I’m Just a Memory
What will it take for you to think of me
Will it be a sunny day at the beach
Or( )the swing hung on that old oak tree
When I’m Just a Memory

When I’m Just a Memory
Will the laughter we shared BE company
What will IT TAKE to bring you peace
And WILL your heart THEN be at ease
When I’m Just a Memory

Overall, I like it.
With some tweaking and the right music, I think it'd even have commersial possibilities
Wy.

Love the concept Caroline!

Why do I love sad lyrics so much?

You're looking good at being sad Caroline!

Best, John

Wy,
I do love it when you come over to do some trimming!!! But why, Wy, did you stop?? Now I have to think again!!! LOL The head tune fits what's written, but I have a bad habit of that. I can sing anything I write, even if it reads like it should be 10 minutes long. I know though, now, it's better to cut where I can. You've got some great suggs for trims and I do appreciate it!

I'm not sure of commercial appeal, but I like this one, not sure why, it'd make me bawl more than smile. (Unless of course it was accompanied by a check, that could probably spark some sort of toothy display!)

Thanks again, I'll be doing a littl emore trimming!

Hi John,
Good to meet you! Thanks so much for the read...always good to get fresh eyes on something. Glad you like it.

I do have to say, I'm not a fan of sad songs, but hey, I'm starting to like them more, and more, the more I write, lol! So many here are so good with them, I'm more of the smart alec who would typically have taken a sarcastic turn with this. Still might, in another lyric!

Thanks again for the visit!

Hi John,
Good to meet you! Thanks so much for the read...always good to get fresh eyes on something. Glad you like it.

I do have to say, I'm not a fan of sad songs, but hey, I'm starting to like them more, and more, the more I write, lol! So many here are so good with them, I'm more of the smart alec who would typically have taken a sarcastic turn with this. Still might, in another lyric!

Thanks again for the visit!

Ms Caroline..I love it, can't wait to see how you finish it..will be a good one I do believe....and I too like WY's suggestions....keep going it's looking good girl...glyn

Well actually Caroline, I did go through the whole thing but I thought it was kinda presumptuous, To go through your whole song when you had a head tune so i just put up part of it <G>
Wy--Mud

Enjoyed the read.I really like the last verse a lot.

I found the flow of this lyric interesting, it 'sang' to me as I read.

Beautiful lyric with great words that painted a sad story.

No 'nits' from my side of the fence.

Douglas

Caroline i think you may run into a trim here or there and maybe condensing some verse but to get good prosidy(mariage) of lyric and music i think id work out a melody and see where the lyric falls and tweak with meter also in mind ,but thats just me and my 2 cents .Other than that its a cool tune good rhyme skeem and the song flows and concludes well ,im diggin it,Dee

Wy, I thought you might have gone through the whole thing....you're not one to do a half a** job! LOL I think it's helpful to give the trimming suggestions....it's presumptuous (sp?) to rewrite someones whole lyric, (which I've done once or twice, but I try so hard not too)
I do appreciate the suggestions, you've given me some ideas of how to trim and still fit into what I had in mind for melody.

Thanks Wy!!

Larry, Doug,
thanks for taking time to read! I've been so busy lately with writing, oh and that whole job thing I started a few weeks ago, (lol, it's really cutting into my writing time) and everything else, that I haven't taken much time here to read, and listen. I'm finally working out a better schedule, so I will be around a little more. So Hi guys. nice to meet you, and I'll be checking out some of y'alls work today, or tomorrow.

Dee, thanks for stopping, I'm wroking on learning how t sing along with a metronome, to slow myself down and get better meter. I am hard headed though and typically end up turning it off, it distracts and annoys me!!!! BUT! I'm still trying, just for the sake of not making it difficult for a demo singer to figure out what I want the song to feel like. lol!

I will work out the melody first, as you suggest, and I do like some of Wy's trimmed lines, so I'll be checking all that out. But I'm hoping this one turns out as good as it sounds in my head!

I like the concept, Caroline, and you've selected universally appealing memory-triggering items (the swing, the oak tree, the beach, the pictures, etc.)

A simple lyric, very pretty. I agree that it could benefit from a little paring and tightening, but essentially you have a really nice song.

Donna

Ms. Donna,

Thank you, lady! That's very sweet of you to say! Thanks for taking some time to read.

I'm so happy to have a simple lyric, I've spent so much (too much) time trying to cram stuff into some, I've given up on them, now I'm trying for more simple, and yay!! YAY!!!they are getting easier for me!

I appreciate your stopping in this fine February morning (or evening, on your side of the ocean)

OK, I did some editing, rearranged the bridge part, so it reads a little better, maybe.....when I sing, I hear some words longer than others, so I'll try to ercord this, when my cough and cold ease up, so y'all can hear. I'm thinking a piano with some soft acoustic in the background..yup, that's what this one will have.

Caroline, I like your edits. Makes it flow a little better. This song really touched me, made me feel sad. (That's a good thing, to evoke emotion). Now I just realized it doesn't have a chorus? Or just a one-liner? I think it could be commercial with proper song form and all. Great job.

Hi Betty,
Ahh, you caught me, no chorus, probably will remove the sinlge lines too and maybe add a fourth verse. It sings (with my melody) in 2:30 so another verse wouldn't hurt a thing.

I'm glad that you felt what the song was supposed to make you feel. Thanks for taking time to read and comment. I appreciate all the input, it's all very helpful.

oh no, page two already!! bump

Caroline. This is beautiful. It needs a bit of trimming but not much. Perhaps not repeat when I am just a memory in each verse.. but other wise, I do think it could be commercial. Good job. Kimberly

Well thank you Ms. Kim,

I do appreciate your input ovber here! I'm getting to trimming, again, and seeing how it will sing once I'm through.

Thanks for the read!

Caroline

Very well done. Good luck with the music I'll be looking forward to listening.

Kevin

Made some changes, keep or sweep

When I’m Just a Memory
What will make you to think of me

When I’m Just a Memory
Of what our love was supposed to be
Will embers burn for eternity-ally


Bridge (The bridge usually doesn't include the title, as it is a release from what has already been said)
When I’m Just a Memory
Make sure our babies
know who I wanted to be
Tell them, I’m watching them grow
I see, their smiles, tears, loves and fears,
I can hear them
All the prayers they send
when they’re on their knees
When I’m Just a memory

Hi Caroline,

I like this. You've included a lot of nice details to tug at our hearts....to make this the sad song it was intended to be! I've been trying new structures too and it's actually kind of fun, no? I don't know if you need all those "when I'm just a memory" lines at the beginning and end...could very well be....I think the music will tell you eventually..some things you just can't know from just reading the lyric, ya know?

Good work.

Kristi

Hi Kevin,
Thanks for the read! I'm still working out the melody, but hopefully, it will be good. I'll let you know when I get it done.

Hi Shayne,
You are exactly right! I had thought about the bridge losing the title lines, thanks for showing me, I was on the right track. The other suggs, I like them! Thanks!

Hi Ms. Kristi,

I'm not fully decided on where to have the title lines, just yet. It's singing well with them, but that's with me singing, and I'm guilty of trying to make it work, lol! I will be taking them out of the bridge, though.
New structures are a great thing. Wendy is actually the cause for this effort. Not the lyric, but the structure. I was trying to write without a bridge or chorus, I managed without the chorus, but still have a bridge, old habits die hard! Wendy always has such interesting form to her lyrics and I admire that, so I'm trying new things because of that reason.
Thanks for taking time to read, I do appreciate that, I'm glad it did reach the places where it's was meant to.

Hi Caroline,

This is rather moving without feeling too heavy or in any way cloying.

The line "When I’m Just a Memory/Of what love was supposed to be" sounds imo a little like the singer is giving himself/herself props for "having known how to love, during life" so I'm thinking I'm misreading your intention there....

As an "augmentation" before the last tag line, I have mixed feelings about "Will there come a day when life’s in harmony" and I'm probably over thinking here (so forgive me, lol)...because I've never thought, personally, that it was "life" that was out of harmony...just a few "whack" people, so at a "philosophical level" disagree...Usually the "harmony" idea is used in conjunction with a personal pronoun, such as "...so then WE can live/could live in harmony" ... kind of thing ... then "life" is off the hook, lol

Oh, you probably have a "to" left over from a rewrite:
What will make you to think of me...

I heard Kenny Rogers in my head, so I guess my inner producer thinks an older established artist might want to snatch this one up at some point...a Reba, a Dolly...Kenny gave a nice performance in my imagination, too...

All the best,
Mike

OK Mike,
I've made more adjustments, I'm hoping this is it! LOL I don't believe you were over thinking, I believe that was me, and I hope this version works better.

It's funny you mention Dolly and augmentation in teh same post. What are the odds of that happening? LOL I actually can't hear Dolly singing this at all, maybe it's just b/c she doesn't seem like she's aged much since I first remember hearing Coat of Many Colors, or Jolene. The idea of her singing about being a memory, in this sense, isn't something I can hear. Kenny, well, I do love to hear him sing, and he does have that voice, still, that evokes so much emotion in every word. Reba, now that's my girl, I can hear Reba belting this and meaning it!!! Got her email??? LOL


Thanks for the read!

Caroline gal...really hurrying here.... ..but just wanted to tell you this was lovely writing!!!!......been trying to make it here...and just hadn't made it

very best..to you.... H,
Kaley

Hi Caroline,

This version is very close... Every line flows into the next very smoothly. I love what you did with the "what love was supposed to be" -- made it refer to the photographs.

Oh okay...in the bridge, "babies" could easily be "children" cuz babies could be grown up "whiners" lol...I always think of that cuz of John Prine's song "the Oldest Baby in the World"

... Plus, it sounds like the singer is asking that the babies be talked to, rationally, like adults...so okay, I did have one little nit, sorry

Other than that, I think this is it!!

--Mike

Ahh the beauty of a trim (smile) I know its lots o work Caroline but with this tune it'll be worth it. Great ,Crafty song. Take care, Dee

Hi- I was just wondering what the 4 stars on your posting means...do you know? :)Kim

Hey Kim,

I have no idea what they mean or how they got there. I was kinda wondering that myself! Hmm, any body out there answer that one???

Alright Mike,

babies, well, it's a term we use (mothers) to refer to our kids, no matter what their ages are. This will be a famale vocal, so I wasn't worried about that one word, and most likely end up as country, so still it will be o.k. My youngest baby turned 7 today, in fact. My oldest baby is 14. The fact that mom's, no matter what, will always see their children as young and helpless, needing them (yeah, I know, it's just what we want, not what's real) is just part of motherhood.

Now, yes, the babies are being talked to, rationally....why? They can pray, and if they can pray they can understand important things.

Other than that, you like it! YAY! That's what I was aiming for, if it's just one little thing, it's not a big deal, several little things, well, I'd have to getback to work. I can live with one!

Dee, ooh, you've taken another look, thanks! Yes, I know, trim and we shall see something better, once the dust settles. I just hate trimming my own stuff, I get bored too easy and want to move onto the next one. But, I'm trying to get over that and fix one I've started before I move on.

Thanks for reading, again! I do appreciate it.

I appreciate the "babies" explanation, and yes it's true, though 51, I'm still my mom's baby, and sometimes it's too much for me to hear and I have to go "now look, mom--yada yada...LOL" ...yes a female vocalist (not too young) can sing that and it would be understood the way you explained it...

--Mike

Enjoyed Da Read.Love it.Can't wait to hear it.

Larry, thanks so much for reading. I think I'll try to get this recorded this week, at leats a vocal and see if I get any bites for music.

I'll let you know when I do!

Oh, hi Ms. Kaley,

I didn't see you there! Thanks for stopping! Thanks you, also, for the kind words.

Hey, Ms. Kim,

Beth posted an explanation of the stars, over in general.