JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum G'day I just thought of a song for all nudists. Should I cut out the naughty bit?

G'day, I was told to put up another one of my lyrics. First I want to say that I write only clean, simple lyrics and no way do I want to be rude. So please tell me - should I cut out the naughty bit? I thank you all for your responses to my first post of one of my lyrics. I am still studying all your great advice/s and info. But someone said I should show you another...so-
title of song: 'The Nudists Song'(c)/07/02/02/Ray Thyer.

Chorus: Take your top off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
it's the best thing to do.

Verse!. Don't be shy, Honey
the world loves you.
Take little Bobby's things off, Honey
and Mary-Jane's too.

Chorus: Take your top off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
it's the best thing to do.

Verse2. You're beautiful with your clothes off, Honey.
You give me a hard on too, but that's ok cause I love you.

Chorus: Take your clothes off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
it's the natural thing to do

Verse3. We're among friends on this beach,Honey.
Look, there's Tommy, dick and Harry too.
It's great wearing no clothes, Honey.
It's all I ever want to do.
- - - - -
I hope you don't think I'm rude cause I'm not. Please tell me if you like my new song. thanks in advance, Ray in Australia.

Ray, yea, it's a little raw but you're doing a bit better with the writing. Now verse 2 is the worse for rawness, the others probably can squeak by all right. Now the way verse 2 sets up in format, makes it look more like a bridge. Also you need to watch your syllable counts in all your verses like I told you. Make each verse line up with the other verses syllable to syllable--when you get that down, then I'm going or somebody can throw meter and stress at ya. LOL You are doing better, even though verse 2 needs modification there, son.

Having had my Bare As Boggie'N Blues lyric featured in TAN magazine and being told the issue it was in topped all American sales ever (Thanks I am sure to one of my collabs who bought the shop out to send to friends) I guess i am qualified to comment on this Ray.
Here we put a R rating warning on anything we post that may ofend some.
I personally never apolagize for anything I write. Just don't post the ones I think may offend even the R rated readers.
This is your best one yet i believe Ray and i am going to play with it because i don't believe your chorus is a chorus.
Here we go.
Let me know if you don't like it and i will use my changes in one of my own.
Only doing the first verse and chorus to get you started.
It is Blues by the way.
Think Hit The Road Jack.
Regards.
Graham
title of song: Drop The Top Babe(c)/07/02/02/Ray Thyer.
Verse:
Take your top off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
Let that sun seep on through
Don't be shy, Honey
Nude looks good on you.


Chorus:
Whoah- Drop the top Babe
Give the world a treat.
Yeah- Drop the top babe.
Knock 'em off their feet.
You know Babe.
You're good enough to eat.

Verse2. You're beautiful with your clothes off, Honey.
You give me a hard on too, but that's ok cause I love you.

Chorus: Take your clothes off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
it's the natural thing to do

Verse3. We're among friends on this beach,Honey.
Look, there's Tommy, dick and Harry too.
It's great wearing no clothes, Honey.
It's all I ever want to do.



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http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/grahamhenderson.htm

Hey folks--

OMG!!... A downunder Stan Good!! (TampaStan, that is).
Welcome to the board people!
I, for one, just have to draw the line somewhere!!! ...but this isn't even close! LOL! Yeah, let's do this thing!

Have to agree with Sharon, verse 2 is borderline taboo-ville. It just has to be taken the right way by the reader (listener).

Also, in the second line of verse 3, it's probably advisable to rearrange the names there. Just don't leave Dick's name in the middle!! If you read it rapidly, or sing it uptempo, it sounds like there's some 'alternate lifestyle' activity going on. If you catch my drift! ...or was that intentional??!

G'day!
MH

---------------------------------------------

Hey, if you don't stir things up now and then... it all sinks to the bottom!!

Hi Ray & G'day!

Nudism IS Great Fun, tho your "Hard-On" line makes me wonder if you've REALLY Partaken OF the Joys of Nudism?

It RARELY ever HAPPENS...NOR is it Made a Big Thing OF...(NO More than you'd call attention to a Bit of String hangin' from a Gal's Nether Regions...) Guys just jump into the Pool or Cover with a towel in The Unlikely Event. (Yawn!)

This Song's kinda BIG on Tittillation and Small on The REAL Joys OF Nudism...that of Really Being IN "A Natural State" WITH Folks who Enjoy And UNDERSTAND what Being IN that State really Signifies.

Sorry if I seem "Hostile" to the Overall "Take" on this...there IS some inherent FUN here...but NO Serious Nudist would really SAY "It's ALL I Ever wanna Do" because that's far from true. They go Canoeing, Play Tennis & Volleyball, Hike, Swim, Hot Tub, Raise Families (Here at Paradise Lake, in Lutz), and even take Cruises together. AND "Dress For Dinner"...heh-heh!

Go Visit a Nudist Resort or Two and THEN pen us this song again, OK?

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hi, My take on this is if you want to say what you have said here you have to take your hard way to go problem lines and either give them a clever double meaning or just delete and get it up another way. I do agree with Sharon that your meter on this lyric is better than your first one and you are getting the hang of this thingy.
How about something like,

I'm not rude,
I just like to be nude
So take your clothes off , Honey
The day is nice and sunny
So I'll do it too
It's a fun thing to do

or as in verse 2:
Your beautiful with your clothes off, Honey.
And it's so hard looking at you
Now that your standing there bare, Honey
I'm thinkin this a fun thing to do

Keep writing.

G'day Stan, Please accept my humblest apologies.I would like to say that by the last line of my lyrics I meant only to convey that the best part of nudism was the NOT WEARING of clothes. I have deleted this line and I must say 'BEFORE' I read your response. I respect everyone and some of my friends are nudists, but you are right I am not one myself. I am now busily doing a rewrite and as you can see Graham has helped me get started and I am following , as best I can, advices given me today by Sharon and MHFair. Please note that I have already DELETED the naughty bits- ALL OF VERSE 2 AND MOST OF VERSE 3. Please forgive me, rest assured that I will end up with a very clean lyrics and I hope one that nudists will like. I will post my rewrite A.S.A.P. Sorry again, Ray in Australia.

"I write only clean lyrics", eh? LOL. You're something else, ya know that? You're either the most ingenuous writer this board has ever seen, or the most ingenious put-on artist. How old *are* you, anyway?

Anthony

C'mon Ray--

Ya gotta write what you feel!!!!!!!
The purpose of this board- IMO- is to help each other with the 'craft' (as Sharon has done) not necessarily the content. Sure, everybody's got a re-write in mind for ya, but YOU have to decide whether they are usable for your work personally. Usually when I suggest a line change I get a "thanks for the suggestion" but I think, for the most part, those suggestions are rarely implemented due to the writers' personal taste.

By the way, I've seen lyrics posted here that are much more 'raw' and, although critcized, the writers have stood their ground... and there were no apologies forthcoming.

Hey, I live in Western Pennsylvania and I've got a book full of West Virginia jokes. Funny? You bet your arse. Do I really believe that WV folks have oral sex with sheep? Not really. ...Hmmm....
Political correctness be damned... and screw 'em if they can't take a joke.

Leave that Tom dick in' Harry line- it was my suggestion to change it. Ultimately, it's your decision to re-write as you see fit.

MH Gee- sorry if I've offended anyone!

Ray,

You have good word-play going on, but that's it.

Go for a walk, find one thing that really makes you happy, sad, pissed-off, jealous, whatever and pick up your pen and start writing. Although it's not always the case with "hits" to me the beauty of songwriting is the ability to pass on an emotion. You hone your abilities like that and then one day you might be like many of the incredible lyricist's on this board that can write about anything they want (not me).
If standing on a beach with a hard-on staring at naked breasts is what gives you the greatest joy in life then so be it, (hmmm now that I think about it.....).
Until you write something you can really connect with though, all your gonna get is "nothing special".

Now go give us one with some emotion in it!

You make me smile, intentional or not. And I'll thank you for that my friend. Make sure you keep smilin' and only do it because you love it.

Take care, and good luck.

Allan

[This message has been edited by GT Acoustic (edited 02-08-2002).]

G'day, Idamarie,Anthony, MHFair, GTAcoustic. I thank you all for your advice/s. I am fair dinkum, as Graham will tell you.I was brought up in a large family of ten and my father always told me to do what is right and I wouldn't go wrong. I guess that's all I do. I have raised three wonderful children of my own and am married to a great girl ( she's the 'Verell' whom I share our Email address with) and Anthony, I will not say how old I am, my mother always told us that 'You are only as old as you fell'. So now I guess I have told you how true blue I am. Please keep your great advice's coming. I am studying all your info for a rewrite. I hope I do better with it than last time. I will post it A.S.A.P., Thanks again, Ray in Australia.

G'day Alan and to all JPFolks, I could not go to bed tonight and not tell you the bit of my life that I left out. I never lied to you. For twenty years I ran my own business as Agent in Australia for a big Company in America who makes dry cell batteries and then came a recession in Australia and my business was interrupted by a bank for seven years. The bank took away and auctioned off our family home of twewnty six years and after seven years of litigation the bank settled out of court and after our paying legal fees I was left with nothing. For seven long years I went to hell and back and I wrote a story that one day I hope will be published. So now I have told you all. I never lied to you. I rather now look forward than back. Oh the girl I married is the mother of my three children, though they are adults and have seen this through with me and their mother. I only now want to get on with the rest of my life, that is all I can do. I hope this won't change things. I'm sorry that I did not tell all sooner. my humble apologies to all, please forgive me.Ray in Australia.

Thanks for sharing Ray, but fair dinkum Cobber. It don't matter here.
This is a critique board and as such we slowly learn stuff about each other. We don't need to be have a baring of the soul here to function.
Sad scene you paint here Ray and I hope things get better for you and yours.
I shore myself out of debt twice while developing the farm so can relate to the situation. Just gotta use what talents you have to the best advantage and work your butt off.
You don't say, but if you are unemployed, I hope you find work soon as it sounds like you could do with a break.
What line of work do you do anyway?
I don't believe any writing venture is going to get you or anybody else out of the hole as deep as you apparently are in right now.
It is good for the soul though , so enjoy it for that factor.
Regards.
Graham


------------------
http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/grahamhenderson.htm

Well Ray, with the life you've had to lead you have much to garner some good lyrics from. Learn your craft well, write good and tight lyrics but never forget to put that emotion in there. That's the grabber, it makes the singer sound like he/she really lived the song!
May you soon have you head in the clouds and rainbows of greatness and know the richness of more than enough. life is too short on this earth to let the past muck you down into its' mire. I'm very happy to know your three children and wife have been so faithful and stood beside you through the thick or thin of it all. Best or better wishes.

G'day Sharon,Graham and all JPFolks. Thanks for your gracious words. I am more fortunate than countless of others who have lost their marital home and business to a bank. I know some succumbed to the respite that suicide and alcohol might bring, I confess that I was tempted too. But me thinks that is selfish and would only cause more and unnecessary suffering to my family. I fought a lone fight in court for seven long years and no doubt survived it all only because my wonderful wife and three children were there beside me. But that is all in the past, I have renewed faith and as my mother used to tell us 'when one door closes another opens', I hope that comes true for me soon.I guess in a way it has already for I am among new friends in JPFolks who are true blue.
I have been studying your great advices and here is my rewrite of a naughty song that honestly I would never have pursued in it's original form. But first, I want to say my thanks to Graham and Idamarie for their input. and now- a NEW SONG titled:
'It's great Outdoor nude, Honey'
(c)09/02/02/Ray Thyer.

(Acknowledgements: * my thanks to Idamarie Naelitz for these lines.
** my thanks to Graham Henderson for this line)

Chorus: Don't be shy, Honey
* take your clothes off, Honey.
* Your beautiful with your clothes
off, Honey
** Nude looks good on you, Honey.

Verse1. Take your top off, Honey
let the sun shine through.
Step outside, Honey
There's great things to do

Verse2. Take little Bobby's things off, Honey
and Mary-Janes too.
It's great outdoors today, Honey
the ocean's sparkling blue.

Verse3. We don't need clothes here, Honey
Our friends are in this club too.
There's Dick, Lizbeth and Mary-Lou.
Our kids love it here, Honey
and soon you will too.
- - - - - - - - - -
Oh and a big thanks to Sharon for her tuition, to MHFair, Anthony, MHFair and GTacoustic too for without their advice/info this rewrite would never be.
Please tell me if you like it now. Thanks for everything. Ray in Australia.

Evenin' Ray,

I really don't mean to interpose here, but I think, based on what you have related to us of your circumstance, GT is suggesting a lyric from you along the lines of:

"It's a strain to hold your head up,
when the magistrate's looking down.
Your young ones are holding both your hands;
the bank has taken away your ground.
Your dear wife rubs your sun-baked neck;
a tear trickles from her eye.
You look hard towards the banker,
and wish that one of you could die."

All I am getting at Ray, and I think what GT meant, was that there are a lot more people in this world who have experienced hard times than have experienced a nudist camp. If you have any ambitions of making a dollar at this, you have to write for the masses.

Best of luck,

dawg

Ray,

Dawg makes some great points in his post. After reading your circumstance, I can see why your writing about happy things. It's hard to look at the seriously depressing circumstance you are in. A good and often healthy alternative is to "think happy thoughts". Not in songwriting though.

With what you've been through, I bet you could really write some strong words about your circumstance. It can be painful and revealing, but you might even learn a bit more about yourself (it works for allot of us). People could connect with those type of emotions.

Why not give it a shot? I'll warn you though, you might find that type of writing addictive.

Take care,

Allan

[This message has been edited by GT Acoustic (edited 02-10-2002).]

G'day, thanks a lot for your great lines. I promise that I will add them and do a lyric with them in mind. I have just put my pencil to paper again and I reckon it's my wife and family that deserves the credit for loyalty, not me. I hope that you don't mind that I penned this one first. thanks again, Ray in Australia.

Thanks for your kind words, mate. I have been a 'manufacturer's Agent in Australia for nigh on thirty years and now I have to start over again. I don't know when but if I can a break to get me goin again, that would be great. What did you think about my rewrite?, you're true blue, mate. thanks again. Ray.

G'day Allan. Since I read your response and GT's too, I have opened my memory box and this is the lyric that I came up with. I guess that this time it is from my heart. So how this one- A song titled: 'You're a very special kind, Darling'(c)10/02/02/Ray Thyer.

Chorus: It's time to tell our story, darling
I know yhou'll say never mind.
I got to tell about you darling,
you're a very special kind.

Verse1. I had nothing till I married you,
then my life turned around
God gave us Jill then Neil and
he gave us Mark too.
Three wonderful children, all a
marvellous part of you.

Verse2. We toiled together twenty years and
more.
The bank spoiled things forever and
took away our home.
For seven long years we faced their
mighty numbers,
you stood beside me, I was never
alone.

VErse3. When I get to heaven and face the
pearly gates,
I'll tell God there's a beautiful
girl behind me whose true through
and through.
I'll ask the angels in heaven to
flap their wings for you,
I'll love you for eternity, Darling,
You're a very special kind.
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Well Allan and JPFolks out there, please tell me what you think about this one and please do tell me true what you think about my rewrite, with Adamarie and Grahams help, of my naughty tune that is no longer naughty.
Thanks in advance, Ray in Australia.

Now you're cookin' with gas!

Needs some fixin' up though. Post it as it's own lyric so everybody can "pitch-in" and give you a hand.

This is a great start Ray!

Allan