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WITHIN (A WORK IN PROGRESS)

Blue eyes, blond hair and that pentacle I wear
Silver snake on a five point star
I'm thin as a vine, but it's all my design
Just somewhere short of bizarre

No one callin' my phone, and I'm always alone
Catch you whenever I drift around
Play my drum on Sunday let the city fall away
Watch her dance til the sun goes down

Sharing love in this place is a dangerous crime
Hard to know where the bullshit ends
I stand before you dripping in primordial slime
Can you see my soul within?

My weekdays are death in this place
I can't see why I'm here
I found the sun, but I lost the fun
Like to simply disappear

Love my friends til the bitter bloody end
A simple hug is everything
The time just flies, but stills in her eyes
And I love to hear her sing

I'm a pagan angel sent here to meet the light
I've invited all of my closest friends
We all seek to rise above that cold dark night
To touch the fire burning within

Music everywhere, floating in the air
Everybody wants to live a dream
But there ain't no God on Lower Broad
Satan waits just downstream

I've managed to survive since July of '65
Through happiness, love and pain
Lyrics to the song somehow carry me along
I hope it's not all in vain

I looked, I searched, no moral to be found
So towards that inevitable end
As long as I'm out there walking around
All that I am lies within

great stuff..!!

Thanx, I'm slowly gettin' this one together.......

Sam - Hey! Good to read something from you, it's been awhile since I've had the chance. I think this is good and there's a lot of excellent imagery. There are a couple tiny things that I noticed reading through it. Nothing major but I will go ahead and point them out and you can say that I'm picky and I constrain your wonderful art!

Blue eyes, blond hair and that pentacle I wear
Silver snake on a pagan star
I'm old enough to feel but nothing seems real (this line feels like it needs one more syllable...maybe "seems QUITE real" or something)
Still listenin' for a cool guitar

Love my girlfriends til the bitter bloody end (I would switch it around to "bloody bitter end)
A simple hug is everything
The time just flies, but stills in her eyes
And I love to hear her sing


I love the ending although it's kind of depressing. Good work Sam!

Thanx Katie, I'm happy to hear from you, too.......No honey, you're not too picky, and you don't limit my art, either....

This one is a sort of autobiography, it's me describing myself, to whatever extent.....As I said, a work in progress, and you know how we are, we'll sit there and rewrite, revise, etc......forever if we don't put the piece out there from the start...

Luvs, darlin', luvs!!!!

I like a lot of this poem. It's definitely a poem of a free spirit. I particularly like

A simple hug is everything

Isn't it, though?

Only a woman would say that, and personally, I think it's because only a woman would know that.

Not tryin' to be a sexist or any such thing, but it's just true.....

Thanks, darlin'

I also love this, and yes seems this took alot out of you. I really loved reading it..and alot of times, a simple hug can say alot more than all the words can...love glyn

Glyn, I haven't met you, either formally, online, or otherwise, so now I can see who you are.......and as you watch this one grow, you'll see who I am.

Thanks for the comments, and the comprehension that a simple line can mean so much more just under the surface.....

You know.......The more I look at the current title of this piece, the more I like it.....Might just keep it as is.

Luvs,
Sam

HiDee Brother Sam!

Good Poesie..quite personally-revealing. (Tho unless someone knows you live in NashCity, the "Lower Broad" reference might confuse a bit.)

Could be an Elegant Song...WITH a Chorus using your Title repeated enough we'd know the title IS "Within'". It'd work well as an AAA structure: VVChorus, VVChorus, VVChorus. Even a Refrain of 1-2 lines would work..something simple like "Where it all ends, & Where it begins..It's all WITHIN"

Keep-or-Sweep..& Good Luck with it...& that trip to The Coast someday!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Thanx man.......

It is indeed a personal piece, but the time came, and so the poem was born....

I will assuredly rewrite, revise, and ultimately refinish this one til it shines, but through it all, the core of this piece will remain solid.....

Welcome to the inner mind of the snake.

Bump!

I am slowly working on this one, but I'm not bumping it up every time.....I'm going back to my first post and workin' on it there.

I have added a few more lines, in the interest of self exploration, and clarity......Check it out.....

Lots of imagery here to consider!
You're a good poet, Sam.
Thanks for sharing.

Linda

Well, it's fairly accurate, except for the California part.....I'm stayin' here in Nashville.....

Gonna rewrite that verse someday....

Linda, honey.....Thank You!

Hi Sam...

Just stopping by to say Hi..!!..and tell you I'm reading....and feel you express yourself really well.

Right now outside my windows in Pennsylvania.., it's snowing
and I'm thankful and grateful to be inside. I'm hoping things are continuing to work out for you!

I'm glad you're inside now...Sam... Really am!!...

very best....to you tonight
take good care...
Kaley

Kaley, Thank you for the kindness in your words.....

I think this one is done..........

I got a reply on MySpace from Andrea Gerak, she is a phenomenal singer and a dear sweet beautiful friend from Hungary....

Nice to know that my work is being read all over the world.

Sam,
I thought I posted on this thread already, but it must have been in my head instead. I read this before and thought to myself that the line "There ain't no God on lower Broad" is one of the best lines I've seen in a long time. I'd love to see that line be the hook of a song. It's very strong.

Anyway, it's always a pleasure to read your words. Take care.

Heidi

Thanks, Heidi.

Sooo, what did anyone learn about me from just reading this one?

It's a waste of time to submit a piece, if no one can or will learn anything at all about the author of said piece, right?

Dive, dive, deep, deep within...

Who, what am I, Who, what are we?

Not if we can learn something about ourselves in the process. Once you've released a song, poem or art piece, it is no longer about the author -- it is about how we react to the piece.

Kevin

Not entirely.

Learning about yourself, as well as what goes on in the author's own head, should happen simultaneously.

Why did I say certain things the way that I did?
How does that relate to you?

It all ties in together.

I changed a line in my first chorus.........I think it works..

Sharing love in this place is a dangerous crime
Hard to know where the bullshit ends
I stand before you dripping in primordial slime
Can you see my soul within?

Is this the new line? It doesn't make any sense to me in the context you have it and it seems out of character with the rest of the lines.

Kevin

That line is actually meant to illustrate how some girls see a guy......

"Eeww, his knuckles drag the ground, he's all hairy everywhere, and he doesn't look like a spoiled rich brat!"

As with all art, this is representational, yet equally authentic.

"Can you see my soul within?"

Is this girl willing/able to look past the physical imperfections and see that the guy might actually be human after all?

We have to do the same for them, don't we?