JPF Home Page Forums General Messages Brian Austin Whitney Blog Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Hi Folks,

As you likely know by now, my father passed away last Wednesday, August 5th at 7:42PM, 2008 at the VA Hospital in Tampa. There was no funeral, so I guess this is my chance to at least say something on his behalf.

Here's the last photo of me and my father. Linda took it with her cell phone in June at the hospital. I, who always has a camera with me, just happened not to have it, so that was our only option. Fortunately it came out okay. I hadn't seen my Dad for 30 years when he showed up at a hospital in Florida in critical condition. We were told he had less than 24 hours to live and that we should literally "pull the plug" while he was unconscious. We had quite a battle over the issue with my holding fast to NOT doing that. The Doctors were furious with me but in less than 3 days, not only was he awake, but he was also off the respirator and talking (albeit short lived). This sort of went back and forth over the next 2.5 years where doctors would say "pull the plug" or "he's only got 24 hours" and both he and I kept defying their opinions. This most recent time was different though. I knew instantly when going into his room that the end had come. And less than 24 hours after I got down there, he was gone. There's a long story about how I didn't see him for 30 years, but I was very glad that I got a little time on the other side of that to fill him in on my life and share some of the stories and adventures I'd gone on. He was especially proud of my work with JPF (notice the hat which he LOVED). I also got a little insight to who he was and though he wasn't always coherent on most visits, our last visit in June he was the sharpest he'd been the entire time since he showed back up in my life. He was very upbeat and looked the best he'd ever looked in the 2 years. He was current on sports and politics and shared his thoughts on both and vice versa. My wife got to see him alert and happy and accepting (for the first time) of the reality of the situation. His nursing staff really cared about him (even more than we'd realized when they came to visit him on his death bed in a scene that was both heartwarming and heartbreaking). My Dad lived a very troubled and unfortunate life. (nothing like legal problems or anything.. but more a case of someone always raging against the machine to the cost of everything else in his life including family and friends). My mother raised me alone for most of my childhood (a step father later came into the picture and that had its own difficulties). I certainly owe the way I turned out to her and not to my Dad. He didn't support us or nurture us or set any examples for us. But even with that, we had a coming together of sorts in the end. I had long since forgiven him and he'd expressed his feelings towards me and my brother. In that last 2.5 years while he laid in a hospital bed, he got to meet his grown children (I'm 44 and my brother is 49), his 2 grandchildren, his 2 daughter in laws and get a crash course on what had happened in our lives since we'd last spoken way back in early 1977. We even got to show him photos of our trip to Europe, where he'd never been. We only got through the first 1/3 of it, planning to show him more during the next visit that would never come. I only have 2 photos of me with my father above the age of 6 or so (if that even). This is one of them (and another similar to it from that first meeting in 2006). He didn't achieve anything of note in his life, though he did serve 3 years in the military which is why he was in the VA hospital in TAMPA (and most likely why he lived as long as he did in spite of what the Doctors thought). He didn't accumulate wealth or success in work. He didn't have friends at the end or any other family by his side or anyone else we could even call that would be interested beyond his neighbor who had hunted me down 2 years ago via a Google search. But he did have 2 sons who have done well in spite of his absence, and who nonetheless are genetically linked to him and thus he lives on in each of us. (He was also a big band and jazz drummer and most likely I got my musical genetic code from him). And at the end, I think we were all at peace with it all. At least I was. I am pretty sure he was too. He didn't want to be buried, but rather cremated and his ashes spread in his backyard. We'll be doing that part next time we go to Tampa. There was no one to come to a funeral, so this photo is really all that will remain of him beyond the few memories we have. Some childhood memories did crop up while my brother and I sat and contemplated it all and they reminded me that it wasn't always bad back when he was around. Its just such a waste that so much was missed. He certainly missed out on more than we did. And for that, I am the saddest. I wish I could get that message out to all of you, and if you're reading this, perhaps a light bulb will go off and you'll make a little more of an effort to reach out to those close to you in your life. Even if they don't really deserve it. You'll feel better and so will they. Give it a try. I am glad I did.



Bruce Lee Whitney 1942-2008

Thank you for sharing the most honest details of such a tough situation in many ways.

The picture really emphasizes how your and his eyes communicate a free, content, happy feeling, despite the fact of him being vry sick. That's something that must have been in him that also you have as a trait: Able to take into consideration all things, and be positive in the most difficult times.

Like my dad, who didn't have a dad after age ten, he too became a great person, as you have. And, you got to catch up after years of not being together. That's something to cherish, for I know my dad would have loved to have had that chance as an adult.

Thanks again Brian. This was one of the most moving and inspirational things I have read.

John

quote
I wish I could get that message out to all of you, and if you're reading this, perhaps a light bulb will go off and you'll make a little more of an effort to reach out to those close to you in your life. Even if they don't really deserve it. You'll feel better and so will they. Give it a try. I am glad I did.
_________________________________________________________________

I am glad that you shared this with us Brian, you are a kind person and your words will undoubtedly make some people think. For me personally, I DID reach out to my Dad several times over the years...I don't really want to talk about the result, BUT even if your result isn't good, you are better off knowing that you tried...Even if they don't deserve it...you said it well.

Brian, I identify with your situation. My dad {a retired Firefighter} was an abusive alchoholic, and with my being the oldest, I took the brunt of his abuse. That I was always a rebellious type just added fuel to the fire. After my parents divorced I was estranged from him for 10 years. Fate however intervened in a big way, when as an adult I inadvertently moved ACROSS THE STREET FROM HIM!!!!!I had no choice but to reconnect with him. I found that although he still drank heavily {something we have in common unfortunately} he had mellowed considerably, and the ice began to thaw.

Now we've become close, and watch The Bengals games together every Sunday. My wife and I plan on going on vacation with he and my stepmom next summer. He's not in the greatest of health, so we're going to do this while he's still capable. Life is too short for family feuds.

My wife and I have adopted 5 children and while the biological father is absent in each of their lives, we know evendually they need to meet and/or reconcile with their father. All of them have had contact with their biological mother for better or worse. 25 years ago I would have told you that the biological connection between people is not as important as the interpersonal connection, but I can't say that today. Blood is thicker than water. If it takes 30 years or 10 years, it is still important for people to know where they came from; and even if they don't admit it, a father wants to know that his kid turned out OK. Brian I am glad you made your father proud.

Thanks guys.. I appreciate it. If this improves or saves someone else in some way, then it adds a little meaning, if you know what I mean.

Brian

Brian,
When my wife passed away at 46 several years ago, her brother spoke at the funeral. He talked about how there had been a division between them for many years and they had not talked all over a disagreement. It had only been about a year that he had started to talk again and he found out what a wonderful woman that she was. He said he couldn't remember the last time that he told her that he loved her. He turned around and spoke to her casket telling her how much he loved her, and that he was sorry. Then he advised the crowd not to let this happen to them.

I got three letters shortly there after from people who had re-connected with family members and were so happy that he had shown them how short sighted that they had been, and what wonderful people their family really was. I shared the letters with him. It's nice to know that you can make a difference.

You've done a good thing here. I'm sure that it will bring great rewards.

Michael Meade

Dear Brian,

I am so sorry to hear about your father's passing.

It takes a lot of courage and heart to forgive a parent who hasn't been there to raise and support you. What an amazing gift and blessing that you were able to make some peace with him and have some contact with him before he passed away.
I do believe that by sharing your story, someone who reads it will probably be able to begin forgiving an estranged family member. You probably inspired someone to make that phone call or write that letter.

Life is too short and precious to hold on to old baggage.
Good for you for moving ahead and doing your best to re-connect with your father.

You've accomplished a lot in your life - but the coming together with your father - might be one of your proudest and bravest moments.

Emily

Hi Brian,

I thought I saw you at the Indiana State Fair on last Friday the 8th. I was going to approach you and say "hay", but It's been 10 years since I've seen you and I wasn't sure if it was you. You may remember me back 10 years ago we meet at a Indianapolis Song Writers Association meeting in the basement of a church. I was the guy who alway brought a boom box and played pop songs. Well anyway, I wanted to express my deepest sympathy for your father . I lost my father back in 2002 and still seems like yesterday. When he died, something changed inside me. It was like a turning point in my life. My dad died of old age and diabetes at the age of 83. It feels like he has gone on a vacation and has never returned and never will. I had a dream one night (when he was still sick before he died) of him getting on a bus and saying good bye to me when a tornado was just about to hit the area. I can still see and feel the inside of that bus and the urgency of telling him I loved him to this day. I love my dad more now and can admit it easier then I could when he was living. It's been almost 6 years now since his death. I can remember my dad vividly in my minds eye at the age of 50-60 the best. Those years were my childhood years that defined who I was. He didn't make as much of an impact on my life when he was older (75-80), because of him slowing down. He was everything to me and I did even know it at the time.

It was more of a relief when he died, because he had dementia and was hard to care for. We had no health care that could keep up with his needs at the time. He would say these weird things that would have an ounce of truth but would be mostly made up fantasies. It was hard to see him in such a fallen state. I remember looking into his eyes a week before he died and seeing a cold blank stare gazing back at me. It was as if he had died already. I will never forget the night he died in the hospital. He had my wrist in a death grip and could not talk clearly but he mumble at top of his lungs the words "I love you!". His face was all dehydrated and he looked like a character out of a scene from "Dawn of The Dead" because he had refused to eat for a week at the nursing home he came from. His teeth were showing because his lips had shrunk back so far because of the dehydration. It felt like cold ice was poured on me to see him in such a fallen state. He didn't die in my arms then in the ER, but later that night in bed. I had no idea that was the night he was leaving us forever. I thought the doctors would just patch him up and he would be on his way again. He had been in the ER 3 times in the last 3 months. I remember feeling so hopeless in the elevator after this meeting in the ER of not being able to do anything about his fallen state. I could not talk to my own father anymore because his speech was so slurred because of dementia and dehydration.

It felt like my dad was butchered by this thing called old age and diabetes. It was like he was chopped down like a tree and I or any other family members or doctors could not do anything about it. The lowest time of the whole situation wasn't at the funeral it was out at the burial site. When the 21 gun salute went off, each gun shot felt like somebody pounding a steak through my heart 21 times with a sledge hammer. I could feel the tears at that point well up at that point but they didn't come out. But, my mother did fall back into her chair because of the trauma and gravity of the situation. She just fell apart like putty in my hands. I remember grabbing her before she fell on the ground to sit her back in here chair when every body else remained standing though out the gun shots. It's everything you would see in a movie but with your own family members playing the role of each movie character. Now I know how the Kennedy's felt when JFK was shot. It was like a page of the time was ripped out of the 60's and I was playing the role of John-John. The greatest fear my dad had was me being just a boy when I would see my father die. He wanted me to be a grown man to face the gravity of his own funeral. That's what he wanted for me all along. Because he knew he would someday die and leave me here on this earth when I was either a boy or still a young man, because I was born when my dad was 45. John-John had to be a man at the age of 4 to face his dad's funeral. I still can't believe I did not cry at the funeral. I didn't cry because I didn't have any feelings for him (I really did) but it was more of I knew he was in a better place and I was a grown man now and I could sustain the sadness of him leaving.

Kip

Hi Kip,

I can relate exactly to your experience in that the scene at the hospital was just as horrifying as you described. I thought perhaps it was a unique situation but reading your story I see that perhaps it is a sad yet common way that the last hours go.

I was in fact at the fair so I wish you'd said hello. My Mom and Stepfather (who I have a great relationship with now as an adult, but not so much earlier) raise and show Miniature Donkeys, so it's a family tradition to be at the fair every year. In fact, that was the day I had gotten off the plane returning from my fathers death 2 days earlier.. we went straight from the airport to the fair and being there really was comfortining to see my mom and stepfather and be there with Linda. It was important for me to have that connection since there was no funeral or service and no way to get total closure on it all.

Thanks for sharing your story.. and thanks to everyone else for the kind words. I hope at least 1 person takes it to heart and reaches out. I am glad I was able to put the past aside and just accept things for what they were. It may seem impossible to do, but in a way it was easier than holding that grudge and all of that was gone before he was gone. In that way, I guess I broke the negative cycle on that side of the family as he had even worse issues with his own mother.

Brian

Dear Brian,
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost mine back in 2004. Prior to his death, I had not seen him in ten years as we had lived on seperate coasts. (I had even spent five years in Hawaii) Eleven months before he passed away, I went home for a visit. It would prove to be the last time that I ever saw him. I am so very thankful that I made that trip because I can't imagine how painful it would have been to live with never having seen him again.
My prayers go out to you and your family and I hope that you can find comfort in knowing that it won't be long until you're reunited for eternity. Take care and God bless.




Love and Peace,
Beth

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Hi Brian:

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Both of my parents passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and they spent their last years in and out of hospitals and nursing homes - not a merry to place to be under the best of circumstances.

Take care,
Peter
www.summeroflovemusic.com

Thanks for sharing your story Beth! And thank you Peter, Michael and Emily for your thoughts as well.

A lot of folks are reading this.. we welcome you all to post your own stories here. I think it's helpful and we'd love to connect with you. So click "register" and get involved.

Brian

Hi Brian, thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you got the chance to reconnect with your father, for however long, and make peace with him and for yourself.

Rick

Thanks Rick!

Brian

You're a good man, Brian, and an even better son.

That one really got me.

In the end, I guess the grief must be easier to bear because of what you did.

Best wishes to you and your family.

-Mark

Hi Brian,

Again, I wanted to extend my condolences to you.

While I can't truly appreciate how difficult this loss must be -- as thankfully I've never been in your shoes -- I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you rose to the occasion, tucked the past where it's supposed to be (behind you) and put yourself out on that emotional limb to get to know the man who your father became.

Your open arms must have been such a haven for your him. And how proud he must have been to learn of your accomplishments!

I will surely be thinking of you during this time (especially since a friend from my medical board is in her last hours as well...)

Hang in there,
Beth

Brian,

I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. Your story is very inspiring.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Kristi

Brian,

Very sorry about your loss and glad to hear you reconnected before he passed on.

Your message about forgiving and forgetting must be applicable to many of us....it certainly gave me something to think about. We have a couple of "situations" in our circle of friends and relatives.

Colin

Thanks folks, I appreciate your support. Don't forget to reach out to someone in your life yourselves... only good usually comes out of that.

Brian

Brian,

I want to express my sincere sympathy to you on the loss of your father. Thank you for sharing the story with us. I had a family member I was estranged from for some time...but since we were stuck in the same family, I reached out and forgave her. I'm really glad I did now.

Those doctors, however....

Your father was very blessed to have a son like you, Brian. My only brother (I have 4 sisters too, ) has been estranged from us for many years. I hope he comes to his senses and reconnects with his family. All my sympathies to you and your brother.

My mother was given only a few days to live when they sent
her home with me last month.
Luckily the doctor's were WRONG on her length of remaining time.
Depending on test results this afternoon she is supposedly coming home today or tomorrow.
Between Hospice and myself we are making her final days as pleasant as possible.
I've been her care giver for the past five years and have butted heads with some real butt heads in the medical profession.
My brother and I have become even more close as a result of all of this as well.
Last year mom and I were able to fly to California and watch my brother get his PHD in psychology.
One of her crowning achievements was watching him receive his diploma with all of the love and pride that a parent can possilby have for a child.
Even though mom will be leaving us soon the love that we feel for her will remain with us through out the rest of our lives.
Thanks for sharing your heart warming story about your dad.
You made him proud!

HiDee Brian!

Not every man who has kids is capable of being a Father. It's very sad yours wasn't..in his younger years. But you've at least survived the Stepfather Years..& managed to re-connect & forgive &, it seems, to love this Guy who gave ya Life.

My Dad died when I was 4...I didn't appreciate my Stepdad until I was 21 or so...THEN we bonded. Dunno if I've yet forgiven Dad for Dyin'..or God for takin' him..but I do thank The Deity for sendin' me that Stepdad..& for us finally appreciating each other..with enough Time Left to enjoy each other before his time was up.

So, let me Thank YOU for sharing Your Love, Amigo. Somebody Raised Ya Right! (&, in his own way, we ALL owe Your Dad for bringin' ya into This Universe.)

I heard that song "In The Living Years" on the radio yesterday...always chokes me up/you'll see. You gave The Folks some Great Advice: "Re-Connect".

Sorry for such a Sad Visit to Tampa... My Condolences to ya, Amigo, hope it gets Easier from now on!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Thanks for sharing your stories guys... I think these are things we all go through in some way with someone in our lives. Perhaps by sharing our stories we'll give comfort and perhaps some advice and perspective to others. I know I've gotten some from reading everyone else's stories.

Brian

Brian,

This song may or may not reflect your own feelings, but since we are about music I thought I would share with you this song I just stumbled onto. It is a Rick Springfield tune called "My Father's Chair" Here is the video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTGmucxepw8

Enjoy.

Eppy

Hi Brian

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I'm sorry you lost your dad, and my heart goes out to you and your family.

This is my second post now, my computer went down for some reason, but I am back to write you this one.

After reading your story Brian, I hope & pray everyday, that my children will come home, well before I die. I love them so much, and that is one of the things, that has brought about my singing and songwriting.

Due to the lack of services and help, my situation could of been so different, and I am so determined to raise money for Mental Health, fight to have our legal system change in the future, and make others aware of the extent of damage the abuser leaves behind, is huge.

What happened to us as a family, should never of happened, and I hope my children will see and understand one day.

My eldest daughter is currently living with me and my husband, and it has been the most hardest thing to cope with, as she has a drug addictions, depression, etc, that I have said to her continuous, don't let the past destroy us, that this week we are off to counseling together, as none of us are coping with it at the moment.

Big hugs Brian, and my thoughts are with you, and I'm so happy to hear that you got, to have some special time with your Dad.

God Bless!

Michele

Brian, So sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Thanks for sharing your story as well. I had a wonderful relationship with my dad but he was taken many years too soon. Your message rings true in all circumstances.

Keep loving and sharing bro.

~peace~

plish

Brian,

I am so sorry for your loss.
You are his flower, and I know he must have been so proud of the man you grew to be.

This is for you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSHLM1VKmPA

Letha

Thanks for your support folks.

Brian

Thank you for sharing your story Brian!
Very moving and meaningful! I am sure many will be touched, as I was.
What a great picture to have .. gotta love the JPF hat!

thoughts & prayers with you.
Joanne

I shrank this down so this page is easier to read. It did something weird to the photo, but I still have the original.

Brian