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Bayside
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/19/26 10:48 PM
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
Seems my lyrics aren't making much of an impression. Maybe I need to change my style. Maybe this one will catch more attention. Its still a rough draft though, let me know your opinions
Hello Mama, I killed a man today
Though I swear it wasn't my intent
Time went in slow motion, when his wallet flipped open
Showed me a picture of, his wife and kids....
One look was all it took
Volcanic eruption in my mind
Who do I think I am?
To take another's life?
Flashes before my eyes
A table set for four
Wife sits waiting patiently
Dinners going cold
Kids looking at the clock
Waiting for daddy to come home
They don't even know...
Guess I've killed four birds with one stone.
Hello Mama.....I killed a man today
Hello Father, I killed a man today
Though I swear it wasn't my intent
Everytime I look in the mirror, I keep seeing that picture
A reflection of my guilt, staring back at me
One look was all it took
Volcanic eruption in my mind
Who do I think I am?
To take another's life?
Flashes before my eyes
A table set for four
Wife sits waiting patiently
Dinners going cold
Kids looking at the clock
One look was all it took
Volcanic eruption in my mind
Who do I think I am?
To take another's life?
I see the shadow of the man when I'm all alone...
Taunting me, daunting me, constantly ever haunting me
I down another pill, it won't be long until
That sweet calm overcomes me, and offers sweet release
Cos it flashed before my eyes
Lonely table set for one
Yes I finally realised
Nobody'd miss me when I'm gone
Once you think about it
Might make this world a little less cold
Guess I ended up
Killing five birds with one stone
Hello Lord...I killed a man today
Last edited by Stag; 06/28/08 08:32 AM.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 9,186 |
Hi Stag Oh , I think your lyrics DO make an impression. You are a good writer. Perhaps what it come down to is taste in what we would be willing to hear over and over. This lyric, for instance as I read is well written. Not a real lot of wasted real estate ( well some, I can always seem to cut a few words HA! ) It coveys a vivd scene and has an interesting twist to the story and it's good you save it for the end. All very good dramatic writing..... Kind of like the evening news, though. Or night drama tv - but do I want to hear it over and over? Does it sing for me personally - well frankly My answer is no, though I'm sure there is an audience somewhere. Now perhaps that would all change with the right music?? I cannot answer that here an example of something not exactly like it BUT with a Very compelling morbid story line..... because it is a Traditional song - you know it has withstood the test of time..... the link will take you to Hear a bit of this and honestly it was the music to this song that drew me in way before I paid attention to the story line. Anyway - I hope to hear something of yours with music added sometime. Best to you  jm http://music.yahoo.com/track/34530484Who Put the Blood (Trad. Arr. Karan Casey/Ted Barnes/Donald Shaw(MCPS)) Where have you been all along summer's day Son tell it unto me A fishing and a fowling in the fields and in the forest I am weary mother let me be I am weary mother let me be Who put the blood on your right shoulder Son tell it unto me ‘Its the blood of a hare that I killed yesterday I killed most manfully I killed most manfully The blood of a hare it would never be so red Son tell it unto me It's the blood of a boy that I killed yesterday I killed most manfully I killed most manfully What was between yourself and the boy Son tell it unto me It was mostly the cutting down of a rod That never would come to a tree That never would come to a tree What will you do when your daddy finds out Son tell it unto me I will put my foot on board of a ship and sail away Sail to a foreign country And sail to a foreign country What will you do with your lovely wedded wife Son tell it unto me She can put her foot onboard of a ship and follow me Follow after me Follow after me What will you do with your two fine babes Son tell it unto me I'll give one to my father and the other to my mother To keep them company To keep them company What will you do with your house and your lands Son tell it unto me I will lay them bare to the birds and the air There's no more welcome for me There's no more welcome for me What will you do in the Winter of your life Son tell it unto me Like a sally in the rock I will bend in the wind And pray for the Gods mercy Oh and pray for the Gods mercy Thank you to Aine Ui Cheallaigh in Ring, Co., Waterford, for singing this song to me a few years back. Guitar, bouzouki & ebu - Ted Barnes Keyboards - Donald Shaw Double Bass - Ewan Vernal Djembe & percussion - James Mackintosh Additonal guitar - Robbie Overson Bb Flute - Michael McGoldrick
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
Ah, everfaithful Joice....I'll check that out when I can but, not feeling too good right now. Bleh. Thanks for the review.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
REWRITE
Hello Mama, I killed a man today
A drunken struggle in a bathroom stall
Time went in slow motion, as his wallet flipped open
When I tripped him and he fell on his own knife (Not sure about wording here)
And I saw a picture of, his kids and wife
Oh, who the hell am I?
To take another man's life?
Flashes before my eyes
A table set for four
Wife sits waiting patiently
Dinners going cold
Kids looking at the clock
Waiting for daddy to come home
They don't even know...
Guess I've killed four birds with one stone.
Hello Mama.....I killed a man today
Hello Father, I killed a man today
Though I swear it wasn't my intent
Everytime I look in the mirror, I keep seeing that picture
A reflection of my guilt, staring back at me
Everywhere I go, it won't let me be..
Oh, who the hell am I?
To take another man's life?
Flashes before my eyes
A table set for four
Wife sits waiting patiently
Dinners going cold
Kids looking at the clock
Waiting for daddy to come home
They don't even know...
Guess I've killed four birds with one stone.
Hello Father.....I killed a man today
I see the shadow of the man when I'm all alone...
Taunting me, daunting me, constantly ever haunting me
I down another pill, it won't be long until
That sweet calm overcomes me, and offers sweet release
Cos it flashed before my eyes
Lonely table set for one
Yes I finally realised
Nobody'd miss me when I'm gone
Once you think about it
Might make this world a little less cold
Guess I ended up
Killing five birds with one stone
Hello Lord...I killed a man today
Again, let me know what you all think. Oh, and.....taking Joice's cue, maybe I should stop writing such dark songs. Hmm. I have posted some here that are christian though, in my defense *laughs*
Oh and Joice, I'm afraid that sample won't play for me.
Last edited by Stag; 06/29/08 04:17 AM.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186 |
Hi Stag The rewrite is an improvement story wise - sorry about the link this is a review of the whole cd, but the first clip is the song above.....click the cd cover on the page and it should start playing right off - hope you have HS to listen sorry about the other link . jm http://georgegraham.com/reviews/kcasey.html
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
Sorry Joice, I'm getting nothing. My computer is worthless, no? *laughs*
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 9,186 |
well I tried....
if you want I'll send a cut to a private email.... let me know.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Posts: 247 |
Joice, sorry about that. My computer isn't exactly the most receptive. I appreciate the effort. I'll send you an email address through pm, if you don't mind.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186 |
ok Stag - I like the song so I think it'll be worth your time ! I'll await your pm
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 679 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
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Posts: 679 Likes: 1 |
I like the lyrics. Very moving on the feeling of guilt. I like that the rewrite gives some explanation as to how the singer (who obviously has a concience) ended up killing someone.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
Hey Joice. Sent the pm....least I think I did *laughs*
And hey Moosesong. Glad you liked it, thanks for taking the time to reply.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,865
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Hey Stag,
I do like this much better than the first. In the first, as you know, most of us thought it was a suicide. Which, could make for a good write, but none of us knew why we should care about the guy. Here, it's clear what he did, but still not why the other man had a knife. Who was the attacker. Was it self defense? a robbery? I see the drunken struggle in the bathroom, but over what?
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 247 |
Hey Caroline, fancy seeing you here. Thanks for popping in.
I didn't actually want to put in the why's, because I didn't think they were overly important to the mindset of this guy. He doesn't care about the why's, the fact is that, to him, he just killed a guy. Who had a wife and two kids. Thats what struck him, thats what fills him with guilt. The why's just didn't seem important.
Besides, when did drunken struggles need reason to occur? *laughs*
Cheers. If my assumptions are wrong here, by all means, feel free to tell me.
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