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Real Deal
by Brian Austin Whitney - 05/07/26 01:38 AM
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Flyte
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/06/26 05:36 PM
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4 |
(The chorus is a soothing lullaby, the bridge is dynamic, and I don't have a melody for the verse yet. It's obviously a ballad, more along the lines of country. Please comment on lyrics.)
My baby girl came home today all wrapped in layers of pink
What a beautiful reflection of her mother like the dawn
I've never been more happy than I am right now, I think
To see what God's created for all that I have longed
And I'll sing . . .
Sleep, baby sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, baby sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
My baby wrapped in pink is moving out today
To follow dreams around the world wherever God may lead
I'll miss her but I'm proud of her beyond what words can say
And every night I'll stand in her room praying that she'll succeed
And I'll sing . . .
Sleep, baby sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, baby sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
The doctor's news came today, the sky so dark and gray
My time would be much shorter than I would ever think
As I look back o'er my life, one thing I know I'd say
I've been blessed beyond measure by my daughter wrapped in pink
And, Someday She'll sing to me . . .
Sleep, daddy sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, daddy sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
(BRIDGE)
God gave a gift so beautiful making life complete
Filled with love unconditional, wrapped up in cloth so pink
I prayed for her and loved her, and now she's praying and loving me
And singing . . .
Sleep, Daddy sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, daddy sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027 |
Kevin,
What a great little lullaby! Do you have children? I used to sing songs to my sons when they were small and wanted a Daddy concert to help them nod off nights. My oldest is 24 now, and still sings some of those songs to his lady.
I think this has good potential as at least a "family heirloom" piece, and possible more besides.
Good work. Keep writing.
Skip
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400 |
Hi Kevin,
Welcome To JPF. Are you any relation to our own "Couchgrouch", Robert George? I really like your first posted lyric. I do have a couple of suggestions.
1)You have two lines competing for attention as your Hook, the first is your title , which is the one we should notice. The second is "Wrapped in pink, which to me, is repeated to many times and draws attention away from your hook. I think you should consider getting rid of the other think/pink rhyme. I'm sure you can find a different way to describe the same things.
2) the first verse threw me a little with the idea that you may have been happier than now, and the last line felt a little forced. My suggestions:
My baby girl came home today all wrapped in layers of pink
What a beautiful reflection of her mother like the dawn
this has made me happier than I could ever think
To see God's created what I wanted all along
There are a few other places I might change, lose or add a word or syllable for flow, but this is what hit me at first glance. These are only my thoughts, keep 'em or can 'em. I do like this one.
Last edited by John W. Selleck; 06/08/08 11:02 AM.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400 |
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi Kevin, Welcome to JPF! You have a very sweet lyric here. You've been given some good suggestions already that I agree with so I will just leave it at that for now! Good luck with it!  Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,858 Likes: 1
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 19,858 Likes: 1 |
Hi Kevin, Nice to meet you & welcome to JPF. I think you have an emotional piece going here. My only small nit is a lot of time goes by between V1 & V2 I think I was looking for it to be more gradual. Nit to say that it won't work as is, just my thoughts on the time frame. Good luck with your writing. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4 |
John,
Thanks for your input. I'm no relation to Robert George!
I do think you've hit the nail on the head with your input, and I'll definitely take you advice. I must admit - this is the first song I've written, and I simply don't know what is best. I just wrote this based on instinct. If you have any more suggestions, I'd be glad to take them, as I see what you're saying.
Thanks a whole lot. - I mean it.
Kevin George
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4 |
Hi Calvin,
Thanks for responding, and nice to meet you. As I've revealed to John, this is my first song, so I have only instinct to work with - your input helps a great deal. If you could explain more about what you mean about the timing between verse 1 & 2, I would really appreciate it. I will learn a lot from your advice. Thanks for taking the time.
Thanks so much,
Kevin George
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 4 |
Hi Everyone,
Based on great feedback, I've made some initial changes to verse 1 and the final line of verse 2. Test it out and tell me what you all think.
My baby girl came home today all wrapped in layers of pink
What a beautiful reflection of her mother like the dawn
This has made me happier than I could every think
To see God's created what I wanted all along
And I'll sing . . .
Sleep, baby sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, baby sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
My baby wrapped in pink is moving out today
To follow dreams around the world wherever God may lead
I'll miss her but I'm proud of her beyond what words can say
Alone in her room I'll stand at night and pray that she'll succeed
And I'll sing . . .
Sleep, baby sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, baby sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
The doctor's news came today, the sky so dark and gray
My time would be much shorter than I would ever think
As I look back o'er my life, one thing I know I'd say
I've been blessed beyond measure by my daughter wrapped in pink
And, Someday She'll sing to me . . .
Sleep, daddy sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, daddy sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
(BRIDGE)
God gave a gift so beautiful making life complete
Filled with love unconditional, wrapped up in cloth so pink
I prayed for her and loved her, and now she's praying and loving me
And singing . . .
Sleep, Daddy sleep
Just close your eyes
I'll say a prayer
And sleep, daddy sleep
I'll be right here
Standing near
So sleep
by Kevin B. George
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"I left my home, only to find a new home, full of heart, soul and dreams. Then, I left that new home, heart intact, but much stronger and energized from the experience" -Brian Austin Whitney
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