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A publisher friend of mine has asked me for some lyrics for an upcoming concert to benefit abused women. Decided to finish up this one that was just a fragment. I'd love to polish it further. It has a very odd rhythm pattern/meter/rhyme scheme to the chorus...hope you can hear what I do there. I don't normally do lyrics like this..but being a former victim of abuse, I want to do what I can to help. Would appreciate any and all thoughts and ideas here.

Bobbie

She Never Quite Forgot
(c) 2002 Lyrics by Bobbie Gallup ASCAP

20 years of mistakes and misery
Had clouded her clear blue eyes
Her outward cheer was a thin veneer
Her heart had adopted to disguise
Love was not some commodity
She merely gave what she had away
But her trust and innocence
Were too high a price to pay

CHORUS:
One used his hand to prove he was a man
The other hammered her heart
Till his words tore her apart
And one grey day she just walked away
Left her car in the parking lot
But she never quite forgot

There's just so much she will tell you
Just so far she lets her feelings go
A lotta things are deeply buried
Things no one will ever know
Folks think she's got her life together
New job, new friends and her own place
In time maybe there'll be a new man...but...
You can't replace what can't be erased

Cause...
CHORUS:
One used his hand to prove he was a man
The other hammered her heart
Till his words tore her apart
And one grey day she just walked away
Left her car in the parking lot
But she never quite forgot

BRIDGE:
Love was never meant to bring pain
Love was never meant to be about shame
But for now...she's just holding on
To things that help to keep her sane

Cause...
CHORUS:
One used his hand to prove he was a man
The other hammered her heart
Till his words tore her apart
And one grey day she just walked away
Left her car in the parking lot
But she never quite forgot

TAG:
Perhaps in time she'll be able to find
One whose embrace can help erase....
What her memory won't let her escape


[This message has been edited by Bobbie Gallup (edited 01-16-2002).]

Bobbie,

Loved that first verse...not a weak line in it! Very good and powerful lyric. Bridge might be the weak link...but it`s still plenty good. Course...it might just be me! For you to write one about this subject...must have been awful hard. Kudos on that. Dan.

www.angelfire.com/music3/danolyrics

Bobbie,

Strong lyric. Nothing here I can advise on. It'll take somebody with better mechanical skills than me to find fault if there is any.

Heavy stuff, and very well done.

Take care,

Allan

Bobbie I love this and what a worthy cause! I hope the concert is a huge success. So sorry to know this has touched your life as well. I did think the chorus could use a bit more of explanation of her sad plight. Since there are two distinct kinds of abuse (physical/mental) I had thought of something like this:
One RAISED his hand to prove he was a man
The other BROKE HER WITH WORDS
Til she GOT HER FILL OF HURT

I saw the bridge as being very powerful since it seems to be expressing what she must have been thinking and feeling.
Good luck with this Bobbie!

Hi Dan,

It has been a long time ago..and writing about it comes easier now. I figure that someday if any of my songs about this ever get to radio...the guys may hear themselves immortalized in song, and that would give me great pleasure (perhaps that is bad to admit, but it is true). Abuse changes you permanently. You never can get away from how it makes you feel about you. That is the worst scar of all. You can't change what happened...but you can change how you respond to it. If you let it make you negative, you only hurt yourself more. I have chosen not to allow that to happen. I have chosen to use the experience to learn and grow. It is also one of the reasons I tend to write songs that are happier, or at least have a happy ending. I spent way too much time dealing with the pain, and don't need to go there again. If I can help some other women with my songwriting, I would love to. Thanks for stopping by on this one. Might be tough for guys to relate to it...but I do also know there are men who are abused also. Just do not believe Dawg if he says he is one of 'em!

Bobbie

Hi Allan,

I sure do appreciate you taking time to read and share your thoughts on this. Although praise from all readers is very meaningful to me, but when they come from someone with your level of musical accomplishment, those compliments take on a new meaning. I know this one still needs some work...and the good folks here will help me pinpoint the weaknesses and smooth them out before I send them on. Thanks for taking time to check in on this one.

Bobbie

Dear Bama Jan! Those are GREAT ideas for that chorus. You are so right about the two forms of abuse..that was what I was endeavoring to show in that area. I may leave this as is for the moment till I get more comments on it...but I DO like your thoughts there a lot.

This concert is going to be big time. Lauren Bacall is working on it..and the woman who is underwriting it has her own story to tell. A couple of years ago, she discovered that her husband of 20+ years had been maintaining another wife and family ALSO in DENVER..just on the other side of the city!! He WAS one of the most prominent attorneys in the state of Colorado. Needless to say, her settlement left her extremely well off..and this concert is one method she has to bring media attention to her story. You know haw lawyers hate negative publicity. It should be interesting. I will keep folks updated when I know more on it.

Thanks so much, Bama! Knew I could count on you!

Bobbie

Hey Bobbie,

Very good lyric! Really well written with a powerful sentiment behind it. I also liked Bama's ideas for a change in the bridge though they fit in nicely and really strengthend it up. Good luck with it and good luck with the concert.

Later,
Kevin

Well you certainly wrote a helluva song for sure. I'm reduced to looking for TINy things. Only thing i really saw was:

There's just so much she will tell you
Just so far she lets her feelings go

Not sure you will want the two justs so close there. I'd nuke the first one.

THis is great stuff.

Tough subject to say the least. I hope the concert is a huge success. I liked the lyric here. The chorus doesn't seem to be as clear as the verses. But maybe it shouldn't be, I don't know. Scratched my head for a second with the last line of verse two but it hit me. Thanks for sharing this, good job.

Oh Bobbie!
You know that my abusive background is different from yours, but in many ways, the verses fit my story as well. That second verse is absolutely dead-on target! So many memories that you have no wish to share. and I just love that last line in verse two. So true.
Oh I hope you've got good music coming for this. the direction I hear it headed is haunting.


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Harriet

Morning Bobby, Hope things are well in Tennessee
Great project and wonderful lyric. Don't want to be the clog in the wheel but the chorus seems to cry out for a repeating line (phrase) afterward...
She never quite forgot..
That (somethin here to reestablish what she never quite forgot)
Did she never forget the abuse?
Or maybe she never forgot what love was meant to be?
Anyway, you can trash this idea but dang what are friends for? - iddy

Hi Bobbie. For the project you've described, this lyric is just perfect. I've read it many times and can't see how it could be improved. Best of luck with it. Cheers, Judy

Morning Bobbie,

Sad subject to write about and even sadder to have to live through. You did real good here. My favorite line,'you can't replace what can't be erased'.

Well done. I pray the event will be a success. Blessings to you...Clark

Hi Bobbie – I think this a very powerful lyric and you’ve done a good job. There are two lines in the first verse that I found a little confusing:

Love was not some commodity
She merely gave what she had away

As stand alone lines they are ok, but reading them together I am not really sure what you are saying.

A good lyric, well done!

Nigel

In my mind. B.G..the chorus..is perfect and fits to a T...abuse... I think folks that have felt abuse whether it be emotional or physical.....will relate to both the chorus..
and the verses...

the 6th line of the 2nd verse..seems
to trip me a bit...toward the end..
but i'm not hearing the music that's in your mind...so it may be a perfect fit...B.G.

anycase..

this is strong..and well written..
and will be Perfect your Project..
Best of Luck with it...

KK

HIDee Mountain Gramma!

Great to see You Postin' 'Em Again, Know this was a Painful One to Write, Did a Great Job on it Too!

Think the First Verse is Great and the Last Couplet Perfection.

NOW, onto the Chorus.
I find the first 2 lines Understandable (Know you had TWO Hubbies in a Row "Go Abusive") BUT DON'T think An Audience Will, SANS The Context, BECAUSE your First Two Lines ONLY Make Sense in a "2 -Hubby Context." (THINK the Average Audience Member's thinkin' of Only ONE Abusive Spouse, Contextually-Speaking.)

So, Strictly from a Song-Connects-with-the-Audience point of view, think the Chorus needs a Re-Write.
OR, gotta introduce the MORE-than-ONE Abusive Spouse THIS-Lifetime-Around Data into the Previous Verse.

OR, Whoever introduces this Song's gonna have to More Thoroughly EXPLAIN What Motivated this Song's Inception...In which case it'll Fly, "As-Stands"...

Bridge is a Jewel.

May Your TAGS Always Come True!

"KUDOS" Overall,& a
Big Purple Hug,
Stan

Hi Kevin,

Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts on this song. It isn't the easiest sort of song to read and say you enjoy it. I will be making some changes as suggested. Appreciate your thoughtful support on this. Just hope the song is worthy.

Bobbie


[This message has been edited by Bobbie Gallup (edited 01-15-2002).]

Howdy Blake,

Sure do appreciate you reading through this and sharing your insights. I would normally agree wholeheartedly with you on repeating the word "just" so close together, but in this case, I did that for emphasis. To eliminate the first one totally changes the meaning there and I do not want to do that. I could have used ONLY there but decided to repeat the word JUST instead. Might still change that in the end.

Thanks again.
Bobbie

Hey there Bobbieo,

A wonderful treatment of a very sad and serious subject. No one tells a story like this better than someone who's experienced it first hand.

Now, to beat the dead horse LOL. The chorus is really well written basically, but my confusion had to do with ONE and then THE OTHER. When you mention that "one grey day she just walked away," it almost gave the impression that she was leaving two people at the same time. I guess I'm thinking that there needs to be a little clarification that there were two distinct abusive people. Did she leave BOTH abusers on separate "grey days" and each time did she leave her car in the parking lot? As you have it, it seems a tad confusing.

Other than that, I think you have handled this matter in a very sensitive and level-headed way, which I imagine is rather difficult given the circumstances.

Quite nicely done.

Greg

Hi Elwood...

Thank you so very much for taking time to read through this one and share your thoughts on it. I am still planning a rewrite on the whole thing to polish it when I get all the comments in on this. I often don't fix as the comments arrive just to avoid confusing folks. There are a couple lines in that chorus that I am planning to rework. Glad you figured that last line of v2 out..cuzz it happens to be one of my favorite lines.

Thanks much...
Bobbie

Dear Harriet...

I am glad you felt you could relate to this song, despite the fact the situations were different and that it is a painful subject for both of us. We do need to know that we are not alone and that we do not need to be ashamed of nor accept responsibility for someone else's "problem". So far there is no music for this, since it just got "written" but I think June has someone in mind to write it when I feel it is ready. Will find out when I give it to her. I hear it as sort of strong yet wistful if that makes sense.

Glad to see you here. I am pulling and praying for you and Bob that you get an answer soon on those jobs. Moving is such sweet sorrow.

Bobbie

Hi, Bobbie. This is a tough subject to write about in more ways than one, but you've handled it pretty well. I needed to read the critiques to understand that you're referring to two different men in this lyric. Stan is right on target when he says that listeners will expect you to be talking about one guy. I'd leave it as two men, but would make sure to mention that detail somehow in verse 1. The love/commodity lines are vague and don't add much, IMO, so you could add it in there.

Nit-wise, "crystal clear blue" is so detailed, it looks like you're stretching to fill the line, and "hardened her heart" was too vague for me to understand until I read the critiques. I really like how that chorus meters, though. Neat stuff there. And nice job overall! This is just a slight rewrite away from hitting the stage.

Anthony

Hey B.G...

I'm not really sure why there's confusion in the chorus...I think it makes a lot of sense.

You are showing..the PATTERN OF ABUSE
in the chorus..that..your audience will relate to.
and then..finally/hopefully the gal breaks the pattern.....

come to think of it...do you want..GRAY
Day there?...i know it's an internal...but..

anyhoo..

good job.....

Kaley

Hi Bobbie, good to see you posting again , tho' I havent been here much myself.
Just skimmed the comments. Looks like the chorus and bridge have been mostly mentioned , so I'll just look at them.
2nd and 3rd c lines--Seem to kind of contradict. To me , when someone hardens their heart, they get to where they don't let anything bother them anymore, but then in the next line, she falls apart. Possible
'nother line2---
"The others words tore her heart." May not work with your rhythm-pattern-meter tho
I dont see any confusion avout there being two different guys. When you say "the other'
It seems plain.

Bridge--Seems could stand some tweaking in lines 2 and 3 Possibilities

Love was never meant to bring pain
And it isn't love if you feel ashamed
She's holding up and holding on
To things that help to keep her sane

The last 2 lines sound like she's barely holding on, which may be true, Change would seem to make her a little stronger.
Good treatment of a difficult subject. Hope it does well for you

Bobbie..

Anthony hit my first nit..
Crystal clear blue eyes...Crystal is gratuitous..the line is muxh better without it..sings better too..

In the chorus..I've read and reread it and I think it's smoother like this..


One used his hand to prove he was a man
The other just hardened her heart
Till' one grey day (when) she just walked away
Left her car in the parking lot..
But she never quite forgot...

Making it a 5 line chorus really dangles that last line in front of everybody for emphasis...

Try reading it..the "accidental" rhyme of heart and lot works IMO

Very difficult subject here toots...Good Luck !

Bob

Howdy Iddy,

I will sure give serious consideration to your idea on that repeating chorus line. I think that might be a good resolution. Also thinking seriously on going Bob Young's route with the 5 line thing. Both change my head tune...but hey..that is probably a very good thing. I never tell a composer how I want a song to go since they do a far better job than I can with no interference from me.

Since this is intended to relate to women (or men) who have been in abusive relationships...I wanted them to fill in the things they have been unable to forget..and those can be both the bad and the good. For some, the glimmer of what real love might be is what they keep holding onto. For others, it is the horrific memories that they cannot escape. To narrow that down to more specifics seems to limit its relevance IMO. In this case, I was thinking that she carries around the baggage of what the abuse made her feel like..almost like a tattoo or brand that is burned into the skin. You made me think, my dear friend..and that is usually a very good thing! Thanks for your time and insights. Those are always greatly appreciated!!

Bobbie

Hi Judy,

I just hope my song (if it ever gets music so it becomes a full song) might be able to bring comfort or support to someone else who is going through or has endured abuse, then it will be worthwhile. Guess that is what songwriting should be about...at least for me, reaching out to someone else through my lyrics. Thanks for understanding, my dear friend.

We are really looking forward to meeting you and Pete at the picnic next summer.

Bobbie

Hi Clark,

I am sure glad you liked that line. It is one of my favorites too, since once lost...innocence is impossible to get back..and trust is nearly as difficult. Abuse destroys both. You cannot erase its impacts. They are as far reaching and insidious as a cancer. Each victim reacts differently..but the reactions are internal and often those looking on don't see them. Thanks for the support and prayers.

Bobbie

Hi Nige,

Thank you for your most kind comments on this one. I (think) I see what you are referring to in those lines. My intention was to indicate that in many abusive relationships, the protagonist ladles out small measures of "love"..just enough to keep the victim coming back and hoping for more of the good feelings. The victims give and give and give of their love hoping to get some in return. Instead what they get are painful experiences, sometimes under the guise of "what is good for her, what she deserved, etc, until many of them start to believe they do deserve the punishment they receive. However, if what I have said is confusing to readers, I will take another look at that pasage and see if I can clarify it there. Thanks SO much for letting me know! Your read and comments are greatly appreciated.

Bobbie

Howdy Mz Kaley,

Sure glad you like the chorus as is. I am sure it can be improved, however. I was hoping that folks who have experienced either or both kinds of abuse will find something in this that feels relevant to them. I think/hope if you put emphasis on the words, JOB, FRIENDS, HER and PLACE, you will get a better sense of how that line meters out (at least for me). May not be perfect, but I think a composer can make it work..if not, they can change it.

Thanks for your support on this project. It should be an interesting one.

Bobbie

Hi Bobbie! Now, I don't know what you've been through, But I think you did a good job on this lyric and I hope the concert will benefit those in need.

BTW. Check your Email...

Leif

[This message has been edited by leif (edited 01-16-2002).]

Howdy Stan,

I do understand what you are saying. However, many people who get involved in abusive relationships establish a sequential pattern of abuse. Sometimes there is a pendulum effect that comes into play where an individual will seek out someone as different as possible from the earlier partner, only to discover similarities later on. thereby reinforcing the victim's perception that they deserved or somehow brought the abuse on by their behavior. It has been shown that children who live in abusive households have a higher expectation of becoming abusers and/or victims themselves. There is nothing in this to indicate that either relationship was a marriage...since many are not and I did not in any manner wish to portray and thereby limit, its relevance to non-marriage relationships. I think the intended audience will understand that there was more than one abusive relationship...because for many of them there will also have been more than one. From the e-mail I have been receiving on this one..those who have experienced this seem to be understanding the sequence ok and feel it needs no further explanation. This may be a case where the only ones who need an explanation are those who have not been there. If this happens to get used at the benefit concert...I have little doubt that many there will already be in the mindset to understand or read into the lyric from their own "portfolio of pain". (Before you grab that phrase, I am already working on a lyric for it.<G> )

Thanks so much for your always-welcome thoughts and insights. Here's to tags that come true.

Bobbie

Hi Greg...thanks so much for stopping by on this one. Like I mentioned in my response to Stan (above) many people establish a pattern of abusive relationships that carries over from one to the next. The only way to stop this cycle is to totally break it. That is what happened here...Like stopping a metronome, she simply shortcircuited the whole sequential pattern by walking away from everything one day and starting over completely. She went from one bad relationship to another..and after enduring a lifetime pattern of abuse, one day, she simply walked out. The hardest thing for a person to do in such a circumstance is to break free. That is why I wanted to write this...to show that though it is not easy..there is hope for anyone who can make that decision and act on it.

Sure do appreciate your comments. I will sure take another look at that chorus.

Bobbie

Howdy Anthony,

Thanks so much for your kind comments on this one. As I mentioned in my response to Stan (above) most folks who are involved in abusive relationships go through a whole sequence of them, often resulting in a lifetime pattern of dysfunction. IF by any remote possibility this gets picked up and put to music for this benefit..I suspect that the audience there (for whom it is intended) will be well aware of this and will understand more than folks for whom this concept is (thankfully) a foreign one. I am definitely leaving this as two men for the reasons stated. I highly doubt if most listeners would have any preconceived idea that this would be only about one man.

However, I am gonna rethink that crystal clear blue eyes line. Might hafta take that one word out, although it meters correctly to my ear the way it is...it can also be sung with different phrasing and will also meter right without it. The phrase, "hardened her heart" would be similar to taking a loving puppy who is happy-go-lucky and kicking it everytime it tried to lick your hand. Eventually, it would likely either turn mean and vicious or simply never try to be loving again.

Thanks for taking time to comment on this one. I hope the final version will be worthy of the music...and might mean something to someone's life who has experienced abuse.

Bobbie

Late in her Bobbie but wish you all the best with this worthy project.
As yousay it metres off for me but if someone of Allan's ability muiscal says it works. It works.
I like Janice's offering a lot.
I felt as iddy, this wants that something after that line for impact.
First big one for me was the eyes line and see both Anthony and Bob have stepped in ther.
Once read adjatives can kill a song adverbs can give them life. I think that applies here.
Best of luck with it Bobbie.
Played your Mountains and Daddy Left A Lifetime songs on Roar radio last night by the way.
Regards.
Graham

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http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/

Hi again Mz Kaley,

Glad you caught that pattern thing in the chorus. That really was what I was going after there, the cyclical nature of this.

I can meter this correctly with OR without that word gray. I tend to use grEy..<G> simply an oddity of mine. I think it is sort of the British spelling of the word and I happen to think it 'looks' more elegant, but who cares in a lyric that someone will only HEAR..<G>

Thanks so much, Kaley.

Bobbie

Bobbie,

Great job with a difficult subject. I think others have given good advice- bob y and anthony's tack seem to clear up the chorus for me- I didn't get it at first.. Mike

Howdy Wy...GREAT to see you on here commenting. You have been missed. I understand that part of your absence has been due to some great stuff you have going on! Please keep us posted. Your compatriots here wanna share in your ongoing good news. How have you been doing...besides busy?

On that line you are questioning..perhaps "The other hammered her heart
Till his words tore her apart?"

Those are some excellent suggestions for the bridge. I may use them. Thanks for taking time to drop by on this one..and for lending your always-welcome insights and ideas. Hope the concert happens as slated and that it brings attention to and some solutions for such a widespread problem.

Bobbie

Hi Bob,

Sure appreciate you taking time to read and ponder on this one for me. It truly means a lot. I want this to have maximum impact and polish before turning it over to the publisher...so thanks for your suggestions. I did go in and take out that word crystal in the eyes line.

The strange thing is, I had originally written that chorus in a style almost identical to what you are suggesting..with the 5 line thing. But I had recalled someone..thought it might have been you saying earlier that 5 line choruses gave composers fits LOL so I added that line to make it a 6 line chorus. I kinda like that dangling idea there. Will keep that thought in the pile for the rewrite.

Thanks SO much.

Bobbie

Hi Leif,

Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts on this one. Sadly, this seems to be a rather universal problem. I am hoping that this concert will bring focus and attention to it and perhaps generate some funds and support to bring about some solutions.

Bobbie

Howdy Graham,

Thanks so much for playing Idamarie and my songs on Roar Radio. We will be interested in any response you might get to them.

I am very happy to let you know that Allan has offered to do the music for this one...so there may be some changes in the final. I did make that change in taking out the word crystal in the eyes line..and made a few other changes to the chorus so far. Allan may need to make other changes, so we shall see where it ends up.

Are you coming over for the party?

Bobbie

Hi Mike,

Thank you for taking time to read and respond on this song. It means a lot to me. Hope the changes in the chorus work for you a bit better now.

Bobbie

Hi Noel,

Good to see you on here again. Maybe you have been all along, and it is just ME who has been absent. I am feeling guilty about posting a song when I haven't had time to offer comments on many other folks' songs lately. I will do better soon. I have to do a vent song about UHaul first though!!

Thanks for your comments on this one. I do appreciate your read and support.

Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,
I miss talking to you!
I'm chiming in here really late as usual and everyone has given you advise to strengthen this lyric. Im just here to say I loved it and admire you for being able to write it.
I'll see you in June!
Ria



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