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This one brand new. I just wrote this a few days ago. I think the tune could use some tweaking. Any thoughts on it would be appreciated. Nothin' too fancy though because I'm not a guitarist or musician.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6489946

Never Land
Wendy DuMond
(c) April, 2008

Peter Pan is pushing 60
And Wendy’s a soccer mom
The Lost Boys have all been found
Except the one who’s gone all wrong

Tinker Bell’s clerking the token booth
Out on the Jersey Turnpike
It was the only job that met the qualifications
Of a geriatric wood sprite

(Chorus)
And Captain Hook
Stands alone on the deck
Of his ship run aground on the sand
The kids are playin’ video games
And no one comes to Never Land

Tiger Lilly’s workin’ as a cashier
At the Cherokee casino
She’s been workin’ there since the
Mermaid’s Lagoon
Got flooded by El Nino

Mr. Smee went away to NYU
And got himself a graduate degree
And Starkey works a corner
vending cart
selling hot dogs and iced tea

(Chorus)
And Captain Hook
Stands alone on his pirate ship
Just missing his hand
Nothing's been the same
Since the croc went away
Around here in Never Land

John's the pilot of a big jet plane,
flyin' the friendly skies
Michael has a job filling inventory
delivering office supplies

Peter's shadow is floating away
Bouncing through time and space
But Peter doesn't even miss him
And the shadow doesn’t know his face

(Chorus)
And Captain Hook's
Still on his pirate ship
Shouting out commands
But there's no one to hear
but the moon and the stars
That surround Never Land

Tag/Chorus
And Captain Hook
Stands alone on his pirate ship
Just missing his hand
Nothing's been the same
Since the croc went away
Around here in Never Land

Cool!

This is like a Georgia version of "Desolation Row". I love a song that takes vivid images and plays them out like a slideshow. And the subtly revolving chorus. Nice work, Wendy Barrie! I mean D!

-Mark

Wendy,
That is a good write! Well presented too.
Guitar and voice have real good presence.
You have a pretty voice Wendy.
I'm with Mark the story is mesmerizing.
This is a real deal song in my book.
Tom

Outstanding song and vocal...don't know what tweaking your looking for...lyrics or production...either way this is a very good representaion of the song and what it can do ...with a proper studio workup this could fit into tv or film play...good job!!

Hi Wendy,

Cool melody/very pretty vocals.
Ya got some cool lines in this one...

And Captain Hook
Stands alone on his pirate ship
Just missing his hand

and this...


Peter's shadow is floating away
Bouncing through time and space
But Peter doesn't even miss him
And the shadow doesn’t know his face

Overall, very nicely done !

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

COOL TUNE!!!!!! I've sat here reading, re-reading, re-re-reading, and even re-re-re-reading the lyrics trying to figure out some "home run" suggestion to offer you that would push this song over the top. Suffice it to say, I can't. It is so well done and executed with such a tenderness and a sense of nostalgia. I think I'm going to re-re-re-re-read it now to see if anything comes to me.

Kiss your Muse, she took care of you on this one!

Terrill

Hi Wendy

I agree with the others, Wow, well done, I agree with Ted, with a proper studio recording, this could be swept up, for Tv, or film play. Great job with the lyrics Wendy. Love it.

Go get them Wendy, what talent we have here.

Michele
Aussie girl from down under

I always wondered what happened to all of them. Thanks for letting me know, Wendy

Love it!

Maybe a couple of lines - like the Jersey turnpike one - could be smoothed to flow a little better. Just minor things though, in my opinion. This one really works!

It's gotten to the point that I feel a cool sense of anticipation when I click on one of your posts

Scott

Okay Wendy...after re-re-re-re-re-re-re-reading it, and then reading Scott's comments it dawned on me...I DON'T WANT TINKER BELL TO BE A GERIATRIC WOOD SPRITE! (you do know that sometimes words can have two meanings? "Geriatric Wood" is a euphemism for...well, dang, how can i say this gently...achem, uh...you ever see a Viagra commercial? ) You gotta get her out of that danged toll booth...Please! Let her be working at the hand's on Children Museum, or writing grants for not for profit organizations. I'm begging you!

I do...I do...I do believe in fairies!

Terrill

Mark,

Thanks for your comments. I went back and listened to Eldorado last night. It's sounding awesome. I wish I had at least some of your skills...

I actually had to look up the characters from Peter and Wendy, since I did not remember the names, etc. I was just lying in bed the other night, thinking of all the stuff around the house in need of doing, and this song started playing in my head. It's strange where inspiration comes from sometimes.

Tom,

Thanks for your comments. I'm still listening to Ave Maria. I wanted the melody to change-up a bit more, but I'm limited to what I can play on the guitar right now. Hopefully, I will progress a bit at some point with my playing. Right now it seems any gains I make can't match what's going on in my head.

I guess I have to keep working at it. Thanks again!

Ted,

Thanks for coming by to listen. I wanted the melody to have a bit more variety. This is not exactly how I heard the song in my head, music-wise. One of the frustrations of being a beginner and not having a whole lot of time to practice and get better, I guess. But I keep working at it.

Calvin,

Thanks for listening. I listened to Version #2 of your "pain" song last night. Once again, you had me laughing out loud. I need to go post a comment on it, but I'm still thinking about what to say. You left me speechless..

Thanks for pointing out the lines. The shadow part was, to me, the heart of the song and I wanted to change up the melody there.

Anyway, thanks again!

Terrill,

Thanks for studying this. I would never have associated geriatric and wood in that manner. The line is a bit awkward, so I will have to think on it. I did want them all doing something kind of job that was ordinary, for the most part. Maybe Tinker can be a dishwasher or operate a leaf blower? Hmmm, I'll think on it a bit. Thanks again for offering your thoughts.

Wendy, i think this song is a nice spin on something several generations have enjoyed...You have a nice voice by the way...there are a few phrasing problems which the only way to fix them is go through them line by line and either work on your delivery or change the lyric a tad to improve the flow, minor things...the music matches the innocence of the whole theme well...i think you are going to want to take some of these songs You're writing to the next level soon...good luck and thanks for entertaining us...Moker

Hi Wendy,

I like this one a lot. There are tons of great images in here. That said, I think you could tighten it up a good bit, lose a word, or a syllable here and there, and add a cha-cha or Carribean feel to it, and make it even better. Good luck with it.

Hi Wendy

Love the whole concept of envisioning what all theses characters are doing now. Very innovative and makes my mind take my Own journey. Yes, thank your muse!

As far as your singing and guitar treatment it all works very nicely to me.... If you want to explore some thing different the one line in your chorus

And Captain ........Hook
Stands alone on his pirate ship you stay on one note for all of this....... some bit of quaver variation might be nice.... you can still stay on the same chord that you have......

Nice job for a quick inspiration. jm

Wendy,

Very nice song, very nicely done. With some production, this will be fabulous! You have a very pleasant voice. As far as lyrics, I don't see much that I would change. The only thing i would change is to very slightly speed it up...very slightly.

You have really created some classic images and put it all together in a unique and entertaining way. I enjoyed it a lot!

Al

Your song has a very original concept (wish I could think up stuff like that) and you really present it very well. Personally, I got a big kick out of Tinker Bell being a "geriatric wood sprite" - might have been my favorite line. As others have already said, your voice is golden.

I apologize for the 'group hug' here. I try to always do individual responses, but I've been on JPF way too long tonight.

Michele,

Thanks for listening and always being so encouraging. I hope you are able to continue writing songs and contributing to JPF. It's been great to have you here, lifting up our spirits, and showing us how it's done!

Scott,

Thanks for dropping by. I think you, Moker, and John are correct that I need to smooth out a few of the verses. When I was editing this, I kept adding words instead of taking them out! I guess that's something I need to work on. It's probably a long-winded, law office thing.

Moker,

Thanks for listening. Your stuff just keeps getting better. I really like the two you have up on the MP3 boards. I don't know that I will able do much with my songs. I guess I kind of write for myself, so to speak but I really appreciate getting feedback and getting to pat myself on the back a bit...

John,

You and Moker are going to be getting some cuts soon. I like your gleanings toward the old time country stuff. One of these days what's old will be new again! I think you, Scott, and Moker are correct in that the lyric does need a few less words. I bought a keyboard and plan on redoing all my audio at some point, so by that time, I should have a better draft of this.

Joice,

Thanks for listening. I was trying to hit those high notes that you pull off so well! I'm glad you liked this one. I will consider that tip about adding some variation on that note...don't know if I can. I'm pretty much a true alto, but we'll see..I'll try it anyway!

Al,

Thanks for your kind words and the tip about speeding this up. I can maybe just do that in Audacity. I will try this and load it back up on Soundclick.

Clint,

I finally got the tour schedule for L.C. off the fan site, but there were no dates in the U.S. yet, that I recall. He's touring all over Europe though. I hope we get to hear another of yours pretty soon. I liked your train song from a while back. Thanks for listening and your compliment on my voice.

Thanks again to you all!

Hi Wendy

This is just wonderful! Loved the imagery the lyrics are so cool.. The vocal and song style is all a PERFECT match for each other. I have seen signed female artist come TV major networks on latenight with a voice and instrument and they are not as good as you! And your like not even trying to be great lol..

I'm putting the link together now and sending you my other "unfinished 2 year old song" It is 100% completely different from any of my other songs and should fit you like a glove lyrically... It is very very melodic and a bit tricky to sing but firs it needs lyrics... we could always make alternate vocalist versions if need be,
We got nothing to lose right?

GREAT WORK!

Mike,

Thanks for having a listen. I have to watch TV when I'm sitting up late some night. I do sit up late, but I'm usually listening to JPF MP3's! Thanks for your compliments on this, and double thanks for letting me work on your song. I can't wait to hear it!

Hi Wendy,

Yeah, I've been checking the LC site as well and was disappointed to see that he will not be touring the USA (which is kind of strange). Originally, the site said he would tour the US in May and June and Europe in the summer.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

Wendy, this is soo creative.. who would've thought it ended this way for them.. love this part especially "The kids are playin’ video games
And no one comes to Never Land"

that says it all...

Wendy:

Good write and performance. I thought the lyrics were interesting and flowed well. You get extra points for the casino-el nino rhyme! You've got a good voice...nice job on the vocals.

Mark

Clint,

Thanks for coming back to this. I wish Leonard would come to Atlanta again. He was here in 93 when I was finishing up my college stuff. I had a final exam the night of his concert. I was taking my "major figure," Edmund Spencer's The Faerie Queen for my English degree. My professor for that class was actually a huge Cohen fan. He went and had a substitute sit in on our test I developed a severe dislike for him after that. Leonard has not been back to Atlanta since that I'm aware of.

I guess I have to write some better songs to entertain myself and hopefully become the next Leonard..with a bit higher voice, of course.

Louis,

Thanks for dropping by to listen. I like this song too. I think I wrote it in reaction to all the news stories I've heard recently where small children were beating one another up on playgrounds and really doing quite horrible and violent things to one another. One story involved a 10 year-old girl who was stomped by her classmates on the playground. They actually broke her hip. I have a daughter who is 10 about to turn 11 in June. When I hear stuff like that it makes me heartsick. It's really just a commentary on loss of innocence, imagination, etc.

I had to look up the characters from Peter Pan and do some research, since I did not remember all of them. That was kind of fun.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and dropped by to say so.

Mark,

Thanks for dropping by to listen. I appreciate your comment about my singing. I wish I were better..at everything, really. But I love working at it and trying.

That casino/El-Nino rhyme did take some work. I could not think of anything to rhyme with casino initially. So then I actually pulled up a list of casino jobs, listed them, and then tried find a good rhyme for the jobs that Tiger Lilly might be working at in the casino. When that didn't work, I came back to casino, itself.

I do have a tendency to get too many words in my songs. That's because some of these ideas take me lots of time, brain storming, thinking, scratching...then I get attached to them even if they detract from the song. I think I need lyric therapy or something.