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Bayside
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/19/26 10:48 PM
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OP
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As a songwriter, I have never collaborated with anyone. I write music and lyrics. But I have run into a problem with my lyrics when trying to write country music. I have submitted the song 'Sweet Kentucky Rose' several times to Taxi and it was returned every time. The critiques have all focused on my lyrics. My music and melodies are always praised. I feel like I am getting near misses on this song. I am open to collaboration with a lyricist who knows what Nashville wants lyrically. Here is a link to the song I mentioned above http://www.doctorthor.com/rose.mp3
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I am not a country writer but have written a few lyrics over the years. Kinda hard just listening to the song without the lyrics written in front of me. However I see one or two probs lyrically. The music and melody seems OK but the words just do not seem to flow. There appears to be a bit of fiddling around to make the syllables fit the melody. I think there are far too many repeated Sweet kentucky rose lines which seem to be used just to pad out the song. Maybe if you post the lyrics or send me a PM I can take a look and give you a more in depth view and a few suggestions.
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I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
I guess it came as quite a surprise
When I told her that I had to be free
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But in my heart I always knew where it would be
And I had only just to look right next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
Sometimes we think that our place in this world
Is a place where we would rather not be
We tell ourselves as our lives start to change
That we need more than we have to be free
We take for granted the things we love most
And those ones we hold most dear in our hearts
We never notice until they are gone
And their memories start to tear us apart
If we had only known that truth from the start
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And it was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
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Ok, I wanted to listen to the song but my Windows Player won't play the song. I can't say the lyrics exactly send me. But me knowing what Nashville wants is up in the air. A current Poster/publisher at http://www.writethismusic.com/ is looking for strong lyricists. You might see if he will check out your song. Good luck.
Ray E. Strode
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RB
You are asking the 64,000 question.
Every songwriter that writes country wants to know what Nashville wants. Matter of fact sometimes I think Nashville is asking the question, LOL.
Nashville, IMHO, is a cookie cutter song town. By that I mean they want songs that sound like the songs that are currently making the money.
They have a very narrow idea of what they want. It has to fit there rhyme scheme requirements, it has to be in that 3 to 3 1/2 minute radio time format. They want two line bridges(THIS WEEK) stay tuned for an update on that.
They want a story with a beginning middle and end. It must resolve. They want choruses that soar musically and LYRICALLY(not a lot of repeated phrases, that's rock).
Songs must progress. Each verse needs to take you to a new place.
Uniqueness. The want a familiar story told in a brand new way and Avoid anything that has been a hit before unless you can say it in a completely new and original way.
This song...predictable from the first line
Boy loves girl
boy wants to see the world
leaves girl
realizes he shouldna left
goes home.
the break the shells line was cute, not unique, but fairly fresh. Unfortunately i don't really think it fits in this song.
EXTREME care must be used in Rhymes. Simple old rhymes will get your song in the trash bin quicker than anything, IMHO.
I heard a Apart/start rhyme in there. Sorry....trash bin.
That's my .02 cents on it. Take it or leave it but the dozen or so trips I have made to Nashville that's what I have come away with.
I agree the music and melody in this song is very good
Last edited by Bill Robinson; 02/25/08 07:44 PM.
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Hello RBLight:
Nashville does not have a clue about what it likes. They have strayed so far off course... they may never be able to find their way back again.
I'd have to hear the melody to make a stab at judging the lyrics but from a quick pass... I don't think those transplanted Yankees in Nasville would care for them. They want something trashy!
Dave
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I have made one or two alterations take or leave.
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait for me
I guess it came as quite a surprise
When I told her that I had to be free
I wanted MY freedom to travel the world
I've seen everything one man can see
Looked in all the shells but didn't find that pearl
In my heart I knew where it would be
IT WAS THERE WHERE IT ALWAYS WOULD BE.
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
Sometimes we think that our place in this world
Is a place where we would rather not be
We tell ourselves as our lives start to change
That we WANT more AND we have to be free
We take for granted the things we love most
And those ones we hold most dear in our hearts
We never notice until they are gone
THAT their memories WILL tear us apart
If we'd only known the truth from the start
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I wanted my freedom to travel the world
I've seen everything one man can see
Looked in all the shells but did not find that pearl
But inj my heart I knew where it would be
And it was there sitting right next to me
(the next bit is the main prob it goes on an on and on and becomes boring. Ditch it or rewrite something in it's place
Roam rhymes so how about I don't want to roam. I am coming home to you)
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
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#1 - ballads are extremely hard to pitch. Everyone body's janitor writes ballads. you gotta think mid to up tempo.
#2 - the lift into the hook is good, but then it seems to 'drop' into the chorus. they want lift to soaring choruses.
I think the problem with the lyrics are:
- is it is in past tense. That makes it 'distant' from right here, right now
- you start in first person "I" and switch to third person "we"
- it contradicts itself:
"Looked in all the shells but did not find that pearl
But in my heart I knew where it would be
And it was there sitting right next to me" - how can it be sitting next to you when you are travelling the world?
I like the chorus, and the hook. Here's my suggestion - be a soldier coming home. Tell us one story of one person surviving the odds to come home to the person he loves.
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Ray
I think it needs quiktime to play the song
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Ballads won't work?
Like Moments and Don't Blink.
How about I wouldn't have to Be this way
I'm not sure I believe that. If you write a good song it can be cut if you get it to the right person
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"be a soldier coming home. Tell us one story of one person surviving the odds to come home to the person he loves."
Well that sounds original Vikki! I cant remember EVER hearing a sad country song about that. LOL
Cliches are the probable reasons this song was rejected in the first place.
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There are two problems here without hearing the song...
1st..country Ballad!!....unless it is stop -dead-in-your-tracks excellent---forget it..you are in against the big boys.. writing and vocally...
2nd...the lyrics are too "wordy" and uncomfortable looking...
Sorry to be blunt ..but that is the law of the jungle as far as the country market goes..but Good Luck ...
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I appreciate your feedback. I don't think the problem is wordiness, unless you mean philosophical (second verse). The people who gave me feedback at TAXI actually said that the lyrics were quite good and that I had some nice imagery. The problem was that there were not 'modern' or 'something that wouldn't be a match for the particular artist. I am not sure what you mean by uncomfortable.
I was told to do story songs in conversational English. I understand what that means but I think what makes it more difficult for me is the fact that I don't understand southern culture. That puts me at a disadvantage when competing with other writers who know the culture. And I know that there are a hell of a lot of very very good writers down there. I heard lots of great songs by them when I was on the Texas Song-writing cruise the year before last.
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"be a soldier coming home. Tell us one story of one person surviving the odds to come home to the person he loves."
Well that sounds original Vikki! I cant remember EVER hearing a sad country song about that. LOL
Cliches are the probable reasons this song was rejected in the first place. I understand the point about the song having too many cliches. Everyone tells you not to use them. Then I turn on my TV and see a Keith Urban video with the line (one step forward, two steps back). If that isn't a cliche, I don't know what is.
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Just my take but if you are uncomfortable writing country lyrics why write them. Why make things hard. Write in a style you feel at ease with. There are many other genres and country is a rat race where very very few succeed.
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The problem I see with the lyric is this: The story has an obvious moral. You get it from the first verse. All the second verse does is repetitively preach it as if we didn't get it the first time. You need a story that keeps the listener interested, and if the moral of the story is self explanatory you don't need to clarify. Skip the "we". Stay in the first person and tell us more of his adventures. The second issue, after the double verse/chorus, the song should have a bridge to change it up and lift it into the final chorus. This lyric just repeats the second half of the first verse. Nothing new to keep you interested. Here's a model of this song concept done right - from a few years back and Tennessee rather than Kentucky, but it was the first hit version that came to mind: http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/pleaseco.htm
Marty my home Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
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Just my take but if you are uncomfortable writing country lyrics why write them. Why make things hard. Write in a style you feel at ease with. There are many other genres and country is a rat race where very very few succeed. The only problem is that the odds are better in country music than any other genre due to the fact that most country artists do not write their own material
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Rb..uncomfortable in a songwriting context covers a lot of ground..the secret of writing a ballad lyric is to be economical with words but strong on expression and meaning..it is more or less, hitting a bulls eye wordswise, with monotonous regularity..lyric writing is honed by years of experience,and millions of pieces of scrap paper.i was once told by a famous writer many moons ago.."good enough is not near good enough" so in effect "killer" lyrics are what we are all shooting for,and they do not drop out the sky..it is bloody hard work...lyrics give me more sleepless nights than any melody ever could...having listened to your song... melody wise..it isnt too bad at all,so i wish you well in your songwriting,and perhaps a collaborator for your melodies might just be the key to unlock your potential.........Terry...
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Keith Urban can sing anything he wants. So can Alan Jackson, Brad Paisley, etc.
Once you reach their status it doesn't matter any more.
Take a real close look at who is getting the major cuts in Nashville. Look at the songwriters. Paisly, Urban, Alan Jackson, mostly write their own songs. so they can use a cliche if they want too, and get away with it.
But look at the Artists who don't write their own songs and see what they are singing. More important look at who is writing the songs they sing. See how many times names like Shapiro, Steele, Anderson, Rich, Wiseman, Warren, To name a few. See what songs they have written and check them out. That's what you are competing with.
You can't write as good as them, you have to write better to get your foot in the door. Once you are in it might get a little easier.
And Big Jim is wrong. The only real market left for a songwriter that does not perform is Country and it is getting harder all the time.
Last edited by Bill Robinson; 02/26/08 12:44 AM.
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Hey there,
Well I'll put my 2 cents in about country writng....my first IMO would be write one song for you then one for country, don't stop writing what you like or how you like. That will make it easier to lose your real voice in writing...the way you put lyrics down on a piece of paper...your personal nuances.
2nd yes country artists look for outside material but it has to be original and also something the artist would say...LOL...(they get ya on that one)..eg..Taylor Swift would not be singing about how she stays out all night in the bars...its not her image at the moment. So even though you might write a killer song about it and have a connection with her she won't be singing it.
3rd. I think the final thing I will say is just keep writing...You will see your writing change over time to accomodate the country viewpoint....and you will be able to combine the details that country music requires with the emotional pull it also requires...
and as with anything It takes time!
Good luck and keep writing.
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hey Rblight - in my comment above I mentioned thinking about a soldier (i.e. someone who has a reason to be away from home), and the feedback on that idea is right, it is cliched, however, there is a (dispatch) listing looking for songs with that kind of feel. Mind you, it would have to be more pop than country [country-pop] and it would have to be broadcast quality. "SINGER/SONGWRITER-POP SONGS (Male or Female) are wanted by a well-established Music Supervisor for a cable network TV series. This show tackles the issues and experiences that the families of soldiers might face. Lyrically, the possibilities are broad but you may want to focus on material that talks about family life/love and loyalty/long-distance relationships/heartbreak/"missing you"/life vs. death/etc. to stay along the lines of the show concept. They are looking for all tempos, but would like a more "pop" sound sonically. They are definitely open to both male and female vocals for this one." In my experience, listings with similar criteria repeat at least a couple of times over the year, so if you revised with this in mind you might have a chance to pitch the song for film/tv in the future. Hummin'bird 
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Hi rblight
Seems like alot of people have the songwriter blues these days, I think it is the weather lol. I listened to your song and I thought I would tell you the good things about it. The music is about perfect and very commercial. The vocalist is great and very commercial too. The musical arrangement is beautiful.
I don't know what Nashville wants, but I do know the "Southern culture" lol. I had some thoughts on the lyrics and hope you dont mind if I express them, as it looks like you are open to all comments to get some understanding of the rejections.
First, though, you know that every single person in here is going to get more rejections than contracts, and if it were easier it wouldnt be that much fun when we finally did get some acceptance.
The lyrics: I loved the title at first, my roots being from KY, and I love roses. But the first thing that struck me was too much repetition of that.
I was thinking just in my opinion, that the song did not touch my heart. I believe in that. Touch my emotions is what makes me love a song. All the ingredients are there, the polished music, the melody, and the singer, but the lyrics don't feel unique enough for such a beautiful production. It is not that they are bad, it is just that it is like, written from the pen, instead of the heart. I understand what the words "conversational english" means I think. (Although I can be wrong, lol). I want you to talk to me just like you normally talk. For instance, sometimes I just might say "ain't". Now I know that is not correct grammar, but if I use it once in a while when I talk, then I guess I could use it in a song too.
We are all just giving our own thoughts here, probably not helping you much yet. This is just a question, but would you ever feel comfortable posting just the music without the vocals, and the words, and letting a bunch of the people in here give a go at using your idea but wording it differently? I would also understand it you had no desire to do that.
lol, I know myself that our songs are like babies, and we don't want to put them in the hands of others, but that way you could get a whole bunch of collaboration and just use whatever you choose..
I hope you don't mind all these critiques, it really does have so much potential....
Letha
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Hey rblight
I haven't listened to the song yet, but I plan to after I post this. Your lyrics while good are not great or incredible. They don't tug. You need lyrics that twist and turn emotions. You need to show us not tell us. We all have problem with that one I know, but you need to find interesting ways to draw in your audience. Just like music needs hooks, riffs, melodies and many other pieces lyrics need this as well.
One thing I do know that nashville wants is stories that build to climactic endings ("Don't take the girl" Tim Mcgraw) ("One boy one girl" Colin Rae) ("The Impossible" Joe Nichols). These songs all have one thing in common they build the story in the chorus and the verse. Even if the chorus is the same they use it for totally different meanings as applied to the preceeding verse.
Now down to some meat and potatoes stuff. Your lyric's hook is repeated so much I would get sick of it. I need something else to go with it. Why does he love her? Why did he leave? Why does he want to go back? I get no real picture of what's going on.
This might hurt or help, but here is my idea of one of the most perfect story telling lyrics. It's not modern and it may not even be what nashville want right now, but look at the style and this can be a roadmap to writing better songs
Artist: Milsap Ronnie
Song: Smoky Mountain Rain
Album: 40 N1 Hits Ronnie Milsap Sheet Music
Ronnie Milsap CDs
Get “Smoky Mountain Rain” Ringtone Now
I thumbed my way from LA back to Knoxville
I found out those bright lights aint where I belong
From a phone booth in the rain I called to tell her
I've had a change of dreams I'm comin' home
But tears filled my eyes when I found out she was gone
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I waved a diesel down outside a cafe'
He said that he was goin' as far as Gatlinburg
I climbed up in the cab all wet and cold and lonely
I wiped my eyes and told him about her
I've got to find her!
Can you make these big wheels burn?
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I can't blame her for lettin' go
A woman needs someone warm to hold
I feel the rain runnin' down my face
I'll find her no matter what it takes!
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
This song talks about a similar concept as your song, but listen to how he tells the story and the images he uses read this several time then listen to the music. As I say it might not help , but it might give it try and see.
Now I'll go listen to your song and see how the musical production sounds.
Derek
Last edited by Derek Hines; 02/27/08 04:32 AM.
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Hey rblight
The musical production of this is top notch. I think from a musical stand point this song could easily see radio play. I can enjoy it even without the lyrics which is the sign of a song that has potential, however to really get this one pitched you need to tighten up these lyrics. There needs to be some better examples as to why you are now waking up. Why do you feel this way? In fact one of the biggest problems I see is your title/hook is not relevant to what the song is about. It's not about your sweet kentucky rose it's about you realizing (waking up) to the reality that home is where the heart is. Very universal idea, but again the lyric needs to be tightened up and reworked. Good luck with it the music is worth working on the lyrics for.
Derek
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Hi rblight
Seems like alot of people have the songwriter blues these days, I think it is the weather lol. I listened to your song and I thought I would tell you the good things about it. The music is about perfect and very commercial. The vocalist is great and very commercial too. The musical arrangement is beautiful.
I don't know what Nashville wants, but I do know the "Southern culture" lol. I had some thoughts on the lyrics and hope you dont mind if I express them, as it looks like you are open to all comments to get some understanding of the rejections.
First, though, you know that every single person in here is going to get more rejections than contracts, and if it were easier it wouldnt be that much fun when we finally did get some acceptance.
The lyrics: I loved the title at first, my roots being from KY, and I love roses. But the first thing that struck me was too much repetition of that.
I was thinking just in my opinion, that the song did not touch my heart. I believe in that. Touch my emotions is what makes me love a song. All the ingredients are there, the polished music, the melody, and the singer, but the lyrics don't feel unique enough for such a beautiful production. It is not that they are bad, it is just that it is like, written from the pen, instead of the heart. I understand what the words "conversational english" means I think. (Although I can be wrong, lol). I want you to talk to me just like you normally talk. For instance, sometimes I just might say "ain't". Now I know that is not correct grammar, but if I use it once in a while when I talk, then I guess I could use it in a song too.
We are all just giving our own thoughts here, probably not helping you much yet. This is just a question, but would you ever feel comfortable posting just the music without the vocals, and the words, and letting a bunch of the people in here give a go at using your idea but wording it differently? I would also understand it you had no desire to do that.
lol, I know myself that our songs are like babies, and we don't want to put them in the hands of others, but that way you could get a whole bunch of collaboration and just use whatever you choose..
I hope you don't mind all these critiques, it really does have so much potential....
Letha Hi Letha, Thanks for the feedback and I am not offended at all. I usually write very good lyrics and the ones in this song, although considered not to be right for the market/artist of the listings I submitted to, have been called good by the reviewers. The problem seems to be that they miss the mark for the modern country market. I am certainly willing to listen to any lyrics someone might be willing to come up with for this song and would consider a co-writing thing if I like what I read, although I am quite picky about such things.
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Hey rblight
I haven't listened to the song yet, but I plan to after I post this. Your lyrics while good are not great or incredible. They don't tug. You need lyrics that twist and turn emotions. You need to show us not tell us. We all have problem with that one I know, but you need to find interesting ways to draw in your audience. Just like music needs hooks, riffs, melodies and many other pieces lyrics need this as well.
One thing I do know that nashville wants is stories that build to climactic endings ("Don't take the girl" Tim Mcgraw) ("One boy one girl" Colin Rae) ("The Impossible" Joe Nichols). These songs all have one thing in common they build the story in the chorus and the verse. Even if the chorus is the same they use it for totally different meanings as applied to the preceeding verse.
Now down to some meat and potatoes stuff. Your lyric's hook is repeated so much I would get sick of it. I need something else to go with it. Why does he love her? Why did he leave? Why does he want to go back? I get no real picture of what's going on.
This might hurt or help, but here is my idea of one of the most perfect story telling lyrics. It's not modern and it may not even be what nashville want right now, but look at the style and this can be a roadmap to writing better songs
Artist: Milsap Ronnie
Song: Smoky Mountain Rain
Album: 40 N1 Hits Ronnie Milsap Sheet Music
Ronnie Milsap CDs
Get “Smoky Mountain Rain” Ringtone Now
I thumbed my way from LA back to Knoxville
I found out those bright lights aint where I belong
From a phone booth in the rain I called to tell her
I've had a change of dreams I'm comin' home
But tears filled my eyes when I found out she was gone
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I waved a diesel down outside a cafe'
He said that he was goin' as far as Gatlinburg
I climbed up in the cab all wet and cold and lonely
I wiped my eyes and told him about her
I've got to find her!
Can you make these big wheels burn?
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
I can't blame her for lettin' go
A woman needs someone warm to hold
I feel the rain runnin' down my face
I'll find her no matter what it takes!
Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain
This song talks about a similar concept as your song, but listen to how he tells the story and the images he uses read this several time then listen to the music. As I say it might not help , but it might give it try and see.
Now I'll go listen to your song and see how the musical production sounds.
Derek
Hi Derek, I think you hit it right on the nose. Good but not great and the music/melody/production is fine. That is basically what I have been hearing from the TAXI reviews. I also heard this from Carie Long, Director of A&R for Universal South, Nashville while I was on the Texas Song-writing cruise the year before last. After hearing the song, she said it sounded like a good album cut, but not a hit single. Brian Austin Whitney pretty much said the same thing after hearing a very poor quality piano and vocal pre-demo, telling me that this particular theme has been done a million times and much more cleverly than what I have. He also said that the melody was very good. On the flip side, at the same cruise Max T. Barnes said it had everything a country song should have and seemed to like the lyrics. In any event, I spent several hours listening to a local country music station and I heard many songs with not just good lyrics, but outstanding lyrics. When comparing my song to many of those, I could see that very good is not nearly good enough. The lyrics must be outstanding. My style is much more formal than conversational, but I know I can probably come up with better, more conversational lyrics with some work. I usually write the music and melody before writing the lyrics and I have a bunch of completely produced lyrical-less songs I am presently working on in a number of genres. That is not to say that I have a real difficult time writing them, only that the music and melody and arrangements come much more naturally and can hit me at any time. As I said in my earlier post, I am willing to listen to some ideas that others may have and if somethings strikes me as really good, I would definitely consider working on them further and co-writing the song. It might be very advantageous to work with a lyricist who lives in Nashville and is connected or semi-connected and be in a position to pitch it.
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I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
I guess it came as quite a surprise
When I told her that I had to be free
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But in my heart I always knew where it would be
And I had only just to look right next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
Sometimes we think that our place in this world
Is a place where we would rather not be
We tell ourselves as our lives start to change
That we need more than we have to be free
We take for granted the things we love most
And those ones we hold most dear in our hearts
We never notice until they are gone
And their memories start to tear us apart
If we had only known that truth from the start
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And it was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
rblight, First verse rhymes: me free see be me. Second verse rhymes: be free Bridge rhymes: see be me. Bridge copies first verse. Only concrete image: a tear. Only metaphor: a pearl, metaphor repeated once, but nothing else refers to it. No personal references (e.g. I remember the tears in ROSE'S eyes). Second verse, just thoughts and observations about life, no concrete, active story to which they relate, they're mostly common observations and not personal. No action in the story. For example: Imagine if the script to Saving Private Ryan was "We went to France, marched across the land, got in some fights, and saved Private Ryan." Show them how you did it and why you did it with images and actions rather than descriptions. Hope this helps. Mike
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
I guess it came as quite a surprise
When I told her that I had to be free
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But in my heart I always knew where it would be
And I had only just to look right next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
Sometimes we think that our place in this world
Is a place where we would rather not be
We tell ourselves as our lives start to change
That we need more than we have to be free
We take for granted the things we love most
And those ones we hold most dear in our hearts
We never notice until they are gone
And their memories start to tear us apart
If we had only known that truth from the start
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And it was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
rblight, First verse rhymes: me free see be me. Second verse rhymes: be free Bridge rhymes: see be me. Bridge copies first verse. Only concrete image: a tear. Only metaphor: a pearl, metaphor repeated once, but nothing else refers to it. No personal references (e.g. I remember the tears in ROSE'S eyes). Second verse, just thoughts and observations about life, no concrete, active story to which they relate, they're mostly common observations and not personal. No action in the story. For example: Imagine if the script to Saving Private Ryan was "We went to France, marched across the land, got in some fights, and saved Private Ryan." Show them how you did it and why you did it with images and actions rather than descriptions. Hope this helps. Mike Hi Mike, I get what you are saying and appreciate the feedback. Ironic that you should mention Saving Private Ryan. That is one of my favorite movies of all time, along with the original Jaws (I have been feeling a bit blue lately over the death of Roy Scheider). Here is a song of mine that was inspired by SPR about June 6, 1944. The lyrics are story-telling style, with each verse progressing, the way i should have written Sweet Kentucky Rose. NOTE - this song is not a country song -- it is hard rock. http://www.doctorthor.com/liberty.mp3LibertySea waves crashing, rockets flashing
Higgins boat approaching land
Soldiers falling, Captains calling
Dragging guts across the sand
Bombs exploding, crafts unloading
Shrapnel chopping through my hands
Courage showing, slowly growing
Moving forward, my last stand
Fire left, Fire right
Fight for my life
Shine on this light
Liberty, one up on Tyranny, tonight
Ah, we gonna beat this down tonight
Smoke clouds rising, Nazis hiding
Blasting bullets from the bluffs
Coast concealing, seawalls shielding
Hoping they will shelter us
Comrades dying, brave men crying
Can't move on, not bold enough
Won't stop praying, no delaying
Rise up now, be strong enough
Fire left, Fire right
Fight for my life
Shine on this light
Liberty, one up on Tyranny, tonight
As these stained shores show the price
I will always love you
I'll lay down my life for you
I'll defend your shores from all who come to steal them from you
How I long to see you
How I long to be with you
And if I should not return, remember all these things I do
I do for you
New fronts forming, allies storming
Pushing forward, move ahead
Paris waiting, liberating
Raising flags as freedom spreads
SS crumbling, Hitler running
Devils dancing in their heads
Rain keeps falling, death keeps calling
Treat the wounded, mark the dead
Fire left, Fire right
Fight for my life
Shine on this light
Liberty, one up on Tyranny
Yes, sweet Liberty, one up on Tyranny
Ah, sweet Liberty, one up on Tyranny, tonight
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Thanks again everybody for all the great feedback. I have always been of the opinion that the best criticism is the kind that doesn't pull any punches. That is why I like Simon on Idol. He doesn't pull any punches, although he could certainly be a litter nicer about giving it.
Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions. I am presently working on a complete re-write of the second verse and have decided to write a new shortened third verse and will try to make better use of imagery.
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Look forward to hearing the rewrite. In the meantime, here's a link to "Songwriter Blues". http://www.martyhelly.com/tunes.html
Marty my home Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
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OK. Here is the latest version. Lots of detail and imagery. Please feel free to rip it up if necessary. I am not quite satisfied with the stress and intonation in some of the verses but hopefully it is a good start.
Sweet Kentucky Rose
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to live and places to see
Rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
In a late November Kentucky rain
Searched every town from New York to LA
But the happiness I sought never came
And I have nobody but myself to blame
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
A country girl with a pure southern heart
Grew up in a small town west of Pikeville
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in her rosy red hair
I think it's time I get myself back down there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And she was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
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rblight,
This is a lot better, I have a few nits, which I'll get to later tonight or tomorrow. I also like the Saving Private Ryan song a lot. I still haven't heard the music for this one, I'll give it a listen later also.
Good work.
Mike
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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Hi Rblight,
lol, or up on Craft Creek, or at the head of Puncheon.....
Hope you dont mind a few more ideas, don't mind me, I just make alot of suggestions when I like something, ok? Your choice to use or ignore. ( I am sure the phrasing on some might be just a little off)
Sweet Kentucky Rose
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A southern boy longin for bright city lights
I had dreams to chase and places to see
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've been everywhere, any one man could be
Searched every town from Detroit to La
But in my heart I found right where I should be
and I hope that she's still waiting there for me....
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what's waiting there
My Sweet Kentucky rose
I crossed the mountains just searchin the world
never thought how much I had to lose
The Devil tempted don't fall for one girl
boy you know, this ain't the life for you
But the big city lights made me dream of the stars
and the warm nights when I held her close
Saw eyes that smiled, when I tuned in old George
and her memory almost tore me apart....
and I'm prayin it's still me that holds her heart....
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what I have there
My Sweet Kentucky rose
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Wait there for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what I have there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home;
Wait there for me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home;
I'm comin'home
I really listened to your song (if it was on soundclick it might have been number 1 tomorrow lol) because I like the sound of it and felt the urge to work it. I know you may not like the way I took it, but I offer my vision of it for you to consider.
A couple things:
I live in Michigan, my roots are Ky. I thought Detroit to LA, because the story here is that we Ky people migrated to Michigan years ago to get jobs lol. Also, I think a KY boy might be more likely to come to MI than LA maybe.
The Pearl line:
It is a great line, but I feel like maybe it belongs in a different song. I think the analogy would fit better in a song about a different state, maybe where there are oceans instead of creeks....just my thoughts but it is a great line
The Ending:
Some absolutely fabulous ad libs, (and I mean fabulous) but I do think it is a little long and the same lines over and over seem a little redundant. Would you consider fading out about half way?
Your remake:
I liked your first one better. I loved reading about Pikeville and the stil and the bluegrass, and red hair, which all made me smile. And they did give a whole lot more visual, but to me, it took away that emotional impact your song is going to have..that is hard to get and I really don't think you need that much visual..that is also just my opinion.
Anyway, whether you like it or not, I enjoyed creating on it and thank you for allowing me to offer it for your consideration.
Letha
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OK. Here is the latest version. Lots of detail and imagery. Please feel free to rip it up if necessary. I am not quite satisfied with the stress and intonation in some of the verses but hopefully it is a good start.
Sweet Kentucky Rose
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to live and places to see
Rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
In a late November Kentucky rain
Searched every town from New York to LA
But the happiness I sought never came
And I have nobody but myself to blame
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
A country girl with a pure southern heart
Grew up in a small town west of Pikeville
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in her rosy red hair
I think it's time I get myself back down there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And she was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
OK, here goes. First verse, if I were writing it, I'd say, "the tear in ROSE'S eye." it introduces her name right away and makes the first line more personal. As far as that goes, I probably wouldn't have started with "I remember." again, writing about what you feel, observe etc., it's once-removed from the action. The remembering isnt the action, the tear in her eye is. I'd say something like "There was a tear in my sweet Rose's eye" now you've told the listener her name, about the tear, and that she means something to you. Remembering is passively understood, (of course you remember it or you couldn't have told it.) "...late November Kentucky" is a little cluttered maybe just late November, then next line you could start the journey from KY, introducing it. The "came blame" rhyme seems a little forced to me. Next verse "grew up in a small town West of Pikeville" sounds a little journalistic. Try something that says that without directly saying it. I could say, "We grew up poor," journalistic, or I could say, "Growing up, franks and beans were all we could afford for Sunday dinner," show them rather than tell them. Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still. Personally, I wouldn't mention alcohol unless it's central to the story. You're putting it in for color, but it introduces a new element to the story...she drank at a young age. Notice very few country songs mention women drinking UNLESS it is central to the story (e.g. John Anderson's "Straight Tequila Nights" Tanya Tucker's "Jose Cuervo" Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman.") Everything else, this is the strongest verse, to me. Only tiny nit, If I were writing it, I'd say, "Southern Girl with a pure country heart." I like the bridge, but it says, "and she was always sitting there right next to me." Does that mean she came with you on the bus? I don't think that's what you meant. Again, hope this helps. And again, this is much better. All the Best, Mike
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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I got a question
Why is this not in the songwriting lyrics and critiques forum?
It would get much more attention there.
Last edited by Bill Robinson; 02/29/08 12:25 PM.
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Because it was posted here.
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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Ah so now we can start posting our lyrics any place we like.
Cool.
I didn't know that.
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Bill, rblight didn't post his lyrics here until asked by Jim. His orignal post was more of a rant/plea about trying to get to "the next level."
I decided to critique here because many more "newbie" folk read this forum than the lyric forum, so it could be helpful. Also, I rarely post in the lyric forums for a variety of reasons: Not having time to post in depth critiques, not wanting to let folks feel "picked over" by a mentor who doesn't have the time to crit everyone. Feeling a "conflict of interest" as a demo producer. Not wanting to spend time defending my own lyrics to folks. Mostly, the benefit is outweighed by the cost in time.
If rblight had started his thread by posting the lyric, I would have probably said, as you, that he should post it at one of the lyric forums. But again, this seemed more like rant, like a dilemna.
No, I don't think posting lyrics here are a good idea. Those are the rules. But you know what songwriters think about rules. Some are absolutely apoplectic when you talk about rules, but I won't mention any names (Big Jim).
So, when you back in town? PM me.
Mike
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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Ah so now we can start posting our lyrics any place we like.
Cool.
I didn't know that. It is here because it originally wasn't intended to be a critique thread. I was asking a general question about what Nashville wanted. See the first post.
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No problems
I was just feeling a bit testy when I wrote that.
It was meant to be a recommendation to post in the lyric forum. Not a slam.
Sorry. I was being "childish"
I need to pile my butt in the truck and head south. We have over a foot of snow on the ground and it is snowing again.
I think I'll go to Nashville for a couple weeks. I'll pm ya Mike
I have two songs to work on. I want to get them demo'd
Last edited by Bill Robinson; 02/29/08 01:30 PM.
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No problems
I was just feeling a bit testy when I wrote that.
It was meant to be a recommendation to post in the lyric forum. Not a slam.
Sorry. I was being "childish"
I need to pile my butt in the truck and head south. We have over a foot of snow on the ground and it is snowing again.
I think I'll go to Nashville for a couple weeks. I'll pm ya Mike
I have two songs to work on. I want to get them demo'd Come on down to Houston. We have everything down here EXCEPT snow. I am also thinking about a trip to Nashville as soon as I have demoed a few more of my more commercial songs. It would be great if I could hang with a few JPFers to learn where everything is in that town and learn the ropes.
Last edited by rblight; 02/29/08 01:39 PM.
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Bill and Mike we are techy today LOL
Anyway I apologise. But when I asked for lyrics to be posted I assumed that these would be placed on the lyrics forum as rblight is not a newbie and should have known. Guess we both deserve a slap on the wrist. Lesson learned never assume anything.
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Bill and Mike we are techy today LOL
Anyway I apologise. But when I asked for lyrics to be posted I assumed that these would be placed on the lyrics forum as rblight is not a newbie and should have known. Guess we both deserve a slap on the wrist. Lesson learned never assume anything. Technically, since this is the general forum and lyrics are part of the 'general', this thread is not really misplaced.
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Bill, see you soon.
rblight and Jim, you guys did everything fine. Nothing wrong. Jim, can I still slap you on the wrist, though?
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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I've been slapped in worse places.
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OK. Here is the latest version. Lots of detail and imagery. Please feel free to rip it up if necessary. I am not quite satisfied with the stress and intonation in some of the verses but hopefully it is a good start.
Sweet Kentucky Rose
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to live and places to see
Rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
In a late November Kentucky rain
Searched every town from New York to LA
But the happiness I sought never came
And I have nobody but myself to blame
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
A country girl with a pure southern heart
Grew up in a small town west of Pikeville
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in her rosy red hair
I think it's time I get myself back down there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And she was always sitting right there next to me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
OK, here goes. First verse, if I were writing it, I'd say, "the tear in ROSE'S eye." it introduces her name right away and makes the first line more personal. As far as that goes, I probably wouldn't have started with "I remember." again, writing about what you feel, observe etc., it's once-removed from the action. The remembering isnt the action, the tear in her eye is. I'd say something like "There was a tear in my sweet Rose's eye" now you've told the listener her name, about the tear, and that she means something to you. Remembering is passively understood, (of course you remember it or you couldn't have told it.) "...late November Kentucky" is a little cluttered maybe just late November, then next line you could start the journey from KY, introducing it. The "came blame" rhyme seems a little forced to me. Next verse "grew up in a small town West of Pikeville" sounds a little journalistic. Try something that says that without directly saying it. I could say, "We grew up poor," journalistic, or I could say, "Growing up, franks and beans were all we could afford for Sunday dinner," show them rather than tell them. Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still. Personally, I wouldn't mention alcohol unless it's central to the story. You're putting it in for color, but it introduces a new element to the story...she drank at a young age. Notice very few country songs mention women drinking UNLESS it is central to the story (e.g. John Anderson's "Straight Tequila Nights" Tanya Tucker's "Jose Cuervo" Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman.") Everything else, this is the strongest verse, to me. Only tiny nit, If I were writing it, I'd say, "Southern Girl with a pure country heart." I like the bridge, but it says, "and she was always sitting there right next to me." Does that mean she came with you on the bus? I don't think that's what you meant. Again, hope this helps. And again, this is much better. All the Best, Mike Thanks for taking the time, Mike. I appreciate it. I will try to do something different with the first verse. What I was trying to do in the the second verse is come up with a bunch of images that were particular to KY. I understand about the alcohol reference but is Nashville really that picky about such things? Frankly, all the ultra positive country stuff I hear makes me not want to listen to country music. I am not saying that it is always a bad thing, but not everybody is a super positive family oriented church-going, bible believing man/woman with a daddy's/mommy's little angel who skips stones on the river and makes barbecue stains on her boyfriend's white t-shirt. Even though I am not a native to Nashville, I actually attended Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green for two years and I can tell you that the girls down there are not all angels and they definitely like to sip on the whiskey. The very first taste of alcohol I ever had was in a dorm room during a hooch party. I was given a paper cup full of something and told to slam it to prove I was worthy to drink with them. After listening to one too many bad jokes about how Northerners like me (I am originally from Michigan) talked too much through their noses and couldn't hold their liquor, I decided to take them up on their offer. What I didn't know was that the paper cup contained pure grain alcohol, which they were using to spike the trash bag filled with kool aid. I thought I was drinking mildly spiked kool aid until my throat started to burn like it was on fire. Like a dummy I didn't bother to take a sip first. I just chugged. Soon after things started to get hazy. I don't remember too much after that (except for the sound of laughter), but I do remember that it took me a few days to completely recover from the experience. Those guys turned out to be pretty cool friends, but I have a seriously hard time believing that they are listening to positive country on the radio right now.
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Hi Rblight,
lol, or up on Craft Creek, or at the head of Puncheon.....
Hope you dont mind a few more ideas, don't mind me, I just make alot of suggestions when I like something, ok? Your choice to use or ignore. ( I am sure the phrasing on some might be just a little off)
Sweet Kentucky Rose
I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A southern boy longin for bright city lights
I had dreams to chase and places to see
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've been everywhere, any one man could be
Searched every town from Detroit to La
But in my heart I found right where I should be
and I hope that she's still waiting there for me....
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what's waiting there
My Sweet Kentucky rose
I crossed the mountains just searchin the world
never thought how much I had to lose
The Devil tempted don't fall for one girl
boy you know, this ain't the life for you
But the big city lights made me dream of the stars
and the warm nights when I held her close
Saw eyes that smiled, when I tuned in old George
and her memory almost tore me apart....
and I'm prayin it's still me that holds her heart....
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what I have there
My Sweet Kentucky rose
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Wait there for me;
I'm coming home
Those big old city lights
Don't even compare,
to what I have there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
Waiting for me;
I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home;
Wait there for me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home;
I'm comin'home
I really listened to your song (if it was on soundclick it might have been number 1 tomorrow lol) because I like the sound of it and felt the urge to work it. I know you may not like the way I took it, but I offer my vision of it for you to consider.
A couple things:
I live in Michigan, my roots are Ky. I thought Detroit to LA, because the story here is that we Ky people migrated to Michigan years ago to get jobs lol. Also, I think a KY boy might be more likely to come to MI than LA maybe.
The Pearl line:
It is a great line, but I feel like maybe it belongs in a different song. I think the analogy would fit better in a song about a different state, maybe where there are oceans instead of creeks....just my thoughts but it is a great line
The Ending:
Some absolutely fabulous ad libs, (and I mean fabulous) but I do think it is a little long and the same lines over and over seem a little redundant. Would you consider fading out about half way?
Your remake:
I liked your first one better. I loved reading about Pikeville and the stil and the bluegrass, and red hair, which all made me smile. And they did give a whole lot more visual, but to me, it took away that emotional impact your song is going to have..that is hard to get and I really don't think you need that much visual..that is also just my opinion.
Anyway, whether you like it or not, I enjoyed creating on it and thank you for allowing me to offer it for your consideration.
Letha
Hi Letha, Thanks for taking an interest. You have some really cool ideas there and I agree with you about the first version. I kind of liked it myself, but unfortunately for me, nobody else seems to think it works as a modern country lyric. My feeling is that the first version would be fine for a general pop song, but not for a modern country song, which, as someone suggested earlier, has to come right out of the cookie cutter. Stories are in, so that is apparently what they want. I really like the line you have at the end of the first verse. Regarding the second verse, it does better progress the story. My second verse is more of a trip through the past and doesn't really progress the story. However, it does provide detailed info about Rose, which is something that 75% of the people who have critiqued my lyrics suggested I do. Unfortunately, the song is already too long so a full third verse is out of the question. BTW, I am originally from MI (St. Clair Shores) and I went to Western Kentucky University for two years. I got my PhD at the University of Texas at Austin and now reside in Houston.
Last edited by rblight; 02/29/08 09:23 PM.
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Hey rblight,
There's nothing wrong with writing about booze, if the song is about booze. It's when it's thrown in as one line in a song about coming back to the "girl I left behind" that it becomes a distraction. Actually, modern country mentions drinking all the time: I Love This Bar, It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere, Alcohol, The More I Drink, Two Pina Coladas, Whiskey for My Men Beer for My Horses, Got a Little Crazy Last Night, Guitars and Tiki Bars, Whiskey Lullabye, Some Beach, just to name a few from the last few years. It's just not used gratuitously. And, yes, the most booze I ever saw at a party was in Mountain View, Arkansas, a dry county.
Anyway, the song is getting better. The lyrics are very "bluegrass" to me. Maybe some of the Kentucky moonshine stayed in your head.
Mike
You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash It's only music. -niteshift Mike Dunbar Music
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Hey rblight,
There's nothing wrong with writing about booze, if the song is about booze. It's when it's thrown in as one line in a song about coming back to the "girl I left behind" that it becomes a distraction. Actually, modern country mentions drinking all the time: I Love This Bar, It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere, Alcohol, The More I Drink, Two Pina Coladas, Whiskey for My Men Beer for My Horses, Got a Little Crazy Last Night, Guitars and Tiki Bars, Whiskey Lullabye, Some Beach, just to name a few from the last few years. It's just not used gratuitously. And, yes, the most booze I ever saw at a party was in Mountain View, Arkansas, a dry county.
Anyway, the song is getting better. The lyrics are very "bluegrass" to me. Maybe some of the Kentucky moonshine stayed in your head.
Mike LOL.Maybe so. Anyway, your suggestion regarding the first verse ius definitely much better There were tears in my sweet Rose's eyes When she said she'd always wait there for me
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Latest version. I really need the lyrics to match the production and music. I am happier with this but I don't think it is on a par with the outstanding lyrics I have heard on CMT and the radio there yet.
That is one reason liked the pearl reference, because it was kind of hooky, although as someone pointed out earlier, it is a metaphor that isn't really related to the story (i.e., no oyster shells in kentucky).
The second verse offered by Letha, which I like, continues the story. My second verse is more a description of what the guy was missing. Letha's lyric wouldn't leave me any room to give any info about the girl and that has been the biggest criticism with the lyric to date. Any thoughts on this?
Sweet Kentucky Rose
Song Name: My Sweet Kentucky Rose
Lyrics
There were tears in my sweet Rose's eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to live and things I had to see
Rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
I've been everywhere any one man can be
I passed through each town from New York to LA
Until I finally realized where I should be
I only hope that she's still waiting there for me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home
A country girl with a pure southern heart
Grew up in a small and friendly farm town
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Making sure the chores were done by sundown
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in the braids of her hair
It's time to board that greyhound bus back down there
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I searched every town but I still missed the girl
I think my heart has always known where I should be
I just pray my girl's still waiting there for me
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose
Last edited by rblight; 03/02/08 07:46 PM.
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