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The verses and rhyming are better but it still jumps about and is a bit clunky. The third verse does not really state anything differently from the first.

Wow rblight

No need to have the blues with that liberty song in your catalogue. That one is pure gold and worth every ounce of energy you can pour into it. I can totally hear it playing in my head. These lyrics are just awesome. Great job and can't wait to hear the music.
Derek

What a beautiful song, I live in Australia, and Kentucky means nothing to me, but I would purchase your song. Keep working on it, as it is worth it. I loved every bit of it. You have done a great job, and I agree with Derek, this song is pure GOLD.


Michele
Aussie girl from down under

Michael and Derek,

Thanks so much for the nice words. I wish you were TAXI reviewers. LOL

I agree that it is not yet as good as it could be. I would appreciate it if you could offer more specifics regarding what you don't like about the lyric. Please do not hold anything back.

On your song about My Sweet Kentucky Rose:
Some good words, nice melody, but it sounds awful s-l--o---w to me.

About Smoky Mountain Rain by Milsap
It is a good song but I could never get past memories of Kentucky Rain written by Eddie Rabbitt recorded by Elvis. Smoky Mountain Rain was an inside cut too. The writers worked for the producer's publishing company.

About Moments, Don't Blink, and It Wouldn't Have To Be This Way
All of these had proven writers who naturally get more attention than a newcomer. Moments was a song I didn't like too much but it was one of the freshest ideas I'd heard in a long time. It Wouldn't Have to Be This Way I just couldn't get into. I heard it about 100 times before I figured it was about someone in love with a dead man. Don't Blink was classic fabulous writing to me.

Hi One or two subtle changes to make it less clunky, sing better and help the words flow.


There were tears in my sweet Rose's eyes
When she said she'd always be there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
There were dreams to live and things I had to see
Well I rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
Now I've been everywhere that one man can be
I passed through each town from New York to LA
Until I realized that home's where I should be
I only hope that she's still waiting there for me

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home

A country girl with a pure southern heart
In a small and friendly farm town
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Making sure her chores were done by sundown
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in the braids of her hair
I never realised that I should’ve stayed there

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home

I took my freedom and travelled the world
Seen everything that any one man can see
Opened every pearl but I still miss my girl
In my heart I knew where I always should be
I just pray that she’s still waiting home for me

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose

I liked the "opened every pearl" line and hoped you could incorporate it so I put it back.

He travelled the world yet only went from New York to LA
I think you have to change the place names to somewhere a bit more exotic and far flung.
"I passed through each town from New York to LA" is hardly round the world
"Been to London, Paris, New York and LA." might be better.

I think this song has great potential and I liked the production. I do not think it is slow. However in the chorus the singer needs to lift a bit on the I'm comin home lines.
Best of luck with the song keep us posted on developments

Some minor nits on your new second verse -
Use of the word farm in both the second and third lines doesn't work.
County Fairs are held in the early fall, not the early spring.

In general all the lines seem too wordy for me - too many syllables to sing smoothly.

Definitely getting better though.

Fascinatin' thread--and rblight, you've gotten a lot of good suggestions here. Jes' one additional thought:

I liked the pearl image, too, but didn't think it was appropriate for a country boy from Kentucky. I presume they don't have many pearls in Kentucky, not being near an ocean and all. My question would be what *would* he compare her to that a Kentucky boy *would* consider important, and not be able to stop thinking about? There should be something like that. If you can find it, use it.

One theme I caught here--though it's not really voiced--is that wherever he goes (or went), she reminds him of home, and home reminds him of her. Can you do anything with that?

And lots of luck.

Joe

This is the info I have on it

May 8-11 - May 19 - Pike County 4-H Fair, Pikeville
Events:Agricultural Exhibits, Youth Exhibits, Youth Contest, Horse Shows.

http://www.kyagr.com/marketing/fair/lclagfairs.htm#oweowspenpik

Guess they been sippin the moonshine down there long enough. How do you display the best of the harvest in May?

Then again - its been awhile since county fairs were primarily about the agriculture.

Here is the latest version I have on this song. It is a little more hooky than the last version, but to tell the story, it gives up all the info on the girl and the nice Kentucky imagery the second verse of the pervious version had. If you liked the previous version better, then by all means don't hesitate to tell me.

On the positive side, it tells more of a story, giving specific info on where the guy went and what exactly he was looking for. My thinking is that it is better than the original as far as modern country music is concerned, but it still isn't hooky enough to be a hit. I had a few A&R people tell me this song was at the level of an album cut but not hooky enough to be a hit, otherwise it could have gotten signed. Even all the Taxi reviewers said positive things about it but didn't forward it because they felt the lyric wasn't 'country' enough.

I tend to be my biggest critic so I will let you all take a stab at critiquing it. Remember, I am in no way overly sensitive to negative criticism and would prefer an overly critical eye if you have some suggestions on improving the lyric. I am going after a hit here and I am not going to let pride get in the way of that. The best writers are often those who use negative criticism to make their writing better and don't have the kinds of egos that become their own worst enemies. On the other hand, don't just be negative because I want you to be. Tell me the truth.

NOTE - Big Jim, don't worry about chunkiness or flow. It works well with the melody and phrasing I have in mind but I can't show that until I get the song re-demoed, which I won't do until I am satisfied that the lyric has hit potential.


Sweet Kentucky Rose

There were tears in my sweet Rose's eyes
Standin' at that bus stop wavin' at me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to catch and things I had to see
I rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
Never knowing where the next stop would be
Chasin' rainbows and searchin' for gold
Unaware of where those colors would lead
Or where my search for gold would finally take me

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home

I set my sights on the lights of Broadway
Workin' days up at a New York deli
I drove a taxi up and down music row
With dreams of playin' at the Grand Old Opry
I tended bar down on Sunset and Vine
Tryin' to make it in the lights of LA
Seemed like with each new dream I'd chase down
That pot of gold only got farther away
Till I realized that I was headin' the wrong way

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home

Crusin' casinos on the Las Vegas strip
Found no gold inside them bright slot machines
Just enough cash to make one last trip
Back where my heart always knew that gold would be
I only hope that she's still waiting there for me

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose

Drop the word bus after greyhound, that would give you an internal rhyme with "town" and "greyhound".Also
(Chasing rainbows and seekin' gold
Following where those colours go)

Just a couple of suggestions, might work and might not, I don't know your melody.

(I had dreams to catch and things to see) drop "I had"in this line.

(With dreams of playing the Ole Opry )drop "grand"

Hi I still had the old lyrics on file. I never throw anything away LOL
I like this new version. It tells a more realistic story. If it is musically as good as the last one it will work really well. There is one verse from the old one with imagery I would like to see inc in the new version.

I took my freedom and travelled around
Seen everything that one man could see
Searched every town but I still miss my girl
In my heart I knew where I always should be
I just pray that she’s still waiting there for me

It does not really fit the new version with all the new additions however there are some great lines that could be used to convey the message.

Perhaps last verse could be replaced by.

After taking my freedom and travellin around
Seeing everything that one man could see
Searching every town but missing my girl
In my heart I knew where I should be
I just pray that she’s still waiting there for me

Best of luck will watch out for the new demo.

these are very good ideas and suggestions. However, they won't quite fit with the melody line. I have the mp3 of the old version posted earlier in this thread so you can hear the melody.

Good ideas here. Your verse gives it a more general feel, which might be appropriate for the final verse.

[quote=rblight] [The people who gave me feedback at TAXI actually said that the lyrics were quite good and that I had some nice imagery. The problem was that there were not 'modern' or 'something that wouldn't be a match for the particular artist.]

Yep,and I'll bet they advised you to write some trite that Keith Bourban or sCarrie Underwear would sing.....that's the TAXI way.
I know that's not popular to say here since they are a sponsor,but facts are facts.
It's their "red rose and a brick bat" stock answer to praise you just before "it doesn't fit the listing"....or you'll get a "forward" to Timbuktu or "Cowboy Bubba's Kangaroo Ranch".

James,

I understand where you are coming from regarding TAXI, but I have also received input from paid critiques and A&R people who have listened to this song and they tell me the same thing TAXI does - good melody, good lyric but not 'country enough', an album cut but not a hit. This was a very good song with the original lyrics but that is the problem. There are lots and lots of very good songs out there, but publishers, artists, and A&R people are looking for hits, and not just hits, but 'Smash Hits'. I believe that I could have gotten an album cut with this song (original lyric) if I had a track record and was known writer working as a staff writer or had a top ten hit or two under my belt. Having listened to a number of country songs, I now realize that they were right about the original lyric. There is a formula in Nashville and if you don't use it, you have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting your song heard by the right people.

As an artist, the reality of the industry doesn't make me too happy. But if you aren't willing to write what the industry wants, you will keep running into rejections. Writing commercial stuff can be just as rewarding artistically as writing the experimental or exotic stuff. I try to do both kinds of writing, but I harbor no illusions that my non-commercial stuff will ever get cut unless I form my own band and get a record deal.

[/quote]James,

I understand where you are coming from regarding TAXI, but I have also received input from paid critiques and A&R people who have listened to this song and they tell me the same thing TAXI does - good melody, good lyric but not 'country enough', an album cut but not a hit. This was a very good song with the original lyrics but that is the problem. There are lots and lots of very good songs out there, but publishers, artists, and A&R people are looking for hits, and not just hits, but 'Smash Hits'. I believe that I could have gotten an album cut with this song (original lyric) if I had a track record and was known writer working as a staff writer or had a top ten hit or two under my belt. Having listened to a number of country songs, I now realize that they were right about the original lyric. There is a formula in Nashville and if you don't use it, you have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting your song heard by the right people.

As an artist, the reality of the industry doesn't make me too happy. But if you aren't willing to write what the industry wants, you will keep running into rejections. Writing commercial stuff can be just as rewarding artistically as writing the experimental or exotic stuff. I try to do both kinds of writing, but I harbor no illusions that my non-commercial stuff will ever get cut unless I form my own band and get a record deal. [/quote]
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Ah! Great to see somebody "Get It"

RB, you totally get what's going on and how to look at it. Adjust or do something else for a living. Plain & Simple. I wish it could be different where anything we wanted to do could be a hit.

As for the song, "Liberty" I know it well as I mixed it lol... It would be very cool done by a band. And NO BANDS! do other peoples songs anymore, that is the main musical reason I'm starving!

Every conclusion that you have come to is SPOT ON! Great work!

All the best!

------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah! Great to see somebody "Get It"

RB, you totally get what's going on and how to look at it. Adjust or do something else for a living. Plain & Simple. I wish it could be different where anything we wanted to do could be a hit.

As for the song, "Liberty" I know it well as I mixed it lol... It would be very cool done by a band. And NO BANDS! do other peoples songs anymore, that is the main musical reason I'm starving!

Every conclusion that you have come to is SPOT ON! Great work!

All the best! [/quote]

Sub,

Thanks for the input. Try not to get too discouraged. Think of it this way. The writers on the inside were once starving writers on the outside knocking at the door just like we are. They got their break. Everybody starts off as a nobody. It just takes one 'yes', one song to make the charts, and you will open a lot of doors. It isn't impossible. You just need to have a great song and the determination not to take 'no' for an answer.

I think your stuff is awesome. The only problem I see with your songs is that they are in the wrong genre. You have to go where the opportunity is and that is in the Country market. The best thing I can say about my recent financial problems is that the depression they have caused has inspired me to write some of my best stuff to date, stuff I truly think is twice as good as the song in this thread. I will post some as soon as I can find the money to get them demoed.

Rb,

Thanks! For me determination and perseverance has never been a problem, thank goodness. Think back to what you (or anyone reading this) lol. was doing 27 years ago.

I was excitedly waiting for an answer and feedback from Arista Records.
27 years ago!! For a musician or an athelete that is a "lifetime"
Can you imagine going through thsi for that long at that level?

For a songwriter it's just torture, but our age doesn't factor into our music unless we write our age, and I don't do that lol...

In my heart & mind as well as many countless others, I had and have the determination, a few hit songs, there all catchy (just a few hits though) and even the connections.

What I can't get is a break! A break is when someone wakes up in the morning and decides to do something for you, to put you ahead of themselves for just a minute.
Even if they get paid or rewarded some way or how. They are still gonna focus on YOU. You could call it luck, but luck
is a mixed word, It wasn't luck that got me into the industry in the first place.

But I could use a little "luck" to get back.. I need a break in more than just music now, as a matter of fact it's not even that important, once your health & welfare is in trouble.

But you nailed it, "The Wrong Genre"

That's the real sad part about the state of things today, I have no problem writing hit formula, or commercially appealing songs. As a matter of fact it's the only way I know how to write. Not a big sacrifice to me...

However It's the fact that I have to write in two styles to have any chance at all
Country & Urban Pop
This is really the thing that kills me. Conforming to the max by doing that. hey I love all kinds of music & popular music and I can write play & produce all of it.

Fortunatley I'm open minded and very versitile, but it is still not cool, to be pinned into such a corner creatively and opportunity wise. If I don't do it I'll starve and even if I do I have to catch a break. When competeing and fighting you want to be able to use your best weapons. Having to step completely out of your world to do it makes it that much harder.

All the best...

Mike (Sub),
It's not that I don't "GET IT",I understand perfectly but don't you agree that it's a travesty that in order to have success with traditional country songs it's next to impossible to do unless it's in a foreign country.
Ronnie Lee Hurst has the #1 country song right now....in Ireland!
Will he have success in Nashville?
Only if they smell $$$....even then he'll need a hat that looks like a wrecked canoe,...earings... ,and tattoos that look like grafitti on a truckstop restroom wall.

I "GET IT"..it's just wrong.
JBW

Hi James

How are you?

My "GET IT" comment had absoultely nothing, zero to do with you

That was a general thing that so many people in general don't get it, and yes so many people right HERE! as well on this forum.

My response was to RB's response not your post.
I actually agree with what your saying and it is ashame.

Thanks Sub....no offense taken,I was just making a point that it's a shame it all comes down to the almighty dollar.
JBW

Genres are all about lyrics and arrangement/instruments. Just take your songs and have someone do a country arrangement for them, but make sure you have lyrics suited for the genre (tell a story in casual, everyday language that has some lyrical hooks, puns, etc.).

The fact that you HAVE to do this sucks, but the people who are in control are only buying certain types of music in certain key features that they have 110% faith in to be smash hits. If it is 80%, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. If you are looking to do this for fun, continue to write your way, but if you have your eyes set on the billboard hot 100, you are going to have to re-write what was on the charts last week, and do it even better than the guy who got there before you.

The worst part of this industry is watching no talented famous people like Shaq, Paris Hilton, and William Hung score major record deals. A dying cat sings better than William Hung, but because of his notoriety, he sold a million albums. Then you have all those hip hop 'ganstas' rapping about how rich they are and how much better they are than you ("IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YO BROKE @SS HOME' -- actual lyric from a hit single by Fergie), but if it wasn't for someone who gave THEM a break, they would still be nobodies too.

YOU ARE NEVER A FAILURE UNTIL YOU GIVE UP, SO DON'T GIVE UP.

If it makes a difference, you can bet that if I ever get anywhere, I will do whatever I can for you. I am sure you would do the same for me.

I know that; you know that; Sub knows that; everybody in Nashville knows that, but the cold hard fact is that it is reality. You can't fight it. You either need to bend or expect not to get anywhere. The business side of the music industry could care less about the artistic side of it. All they care about is making more money and they will do anything they can to get more of it. That even includes screwing new writers/writers into taking bad deals.

There are more than just a few sharks out there. They are all sharks at some level, some just won't kill you completely.