JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 William

Here's an older one I'm considering/reconsidering...

All comments welcome. Thanks, -Lyle

PS - the apostrophes are translating weird for some reason, so I took them all out.

William

Copyright 1988 by Mark Kaufman

Clouds obscure
A sky that was so sunny
And Im not sure
Why you keep losing money

I know youre gonna say
That there aint no other way

William dont you go
William dont you go
William dont you go downtown

Your red rose
It always comes up pretty
But not one grows
Through the sidewalks in the city

I know its not for me to choose
But Id just hate to see you lose

William dont you go
William dont you go
William dont you go downtown

Your dream is real
Your gardens in the valley
Dont make a deal
With the hustlers in the alley

They always look so cool
When theyre looking for a fool

William dont you go
William dont you go
William dont you go downtown

Hi Mark, and welcome to JPF

This one's pretty good. It is straight forward, conversational, and has some interesting images that support your theme....

Do you do music as well? One thing I noticed is that you have the same structure\scheme throughout, basically abc repeated three times. In order to keep things musically interesting, the music has to carry things, meaning some change has to happen somewhere...is that happening in this?

Thank you, John, much appreciated.

Yes, lyrics usually come second for me after the music, but in the case of "William" it was simultaneous, but with plenty of rewrites. You are correct about the structure in that there is no bridge after the first two rounds of verse & chorus. I have considered putting one in, but people always tell me to leave it alone, and I tend to agree on this one...one of the most popular songs I play based on those who give me feedback. What fights monotony is a musical interlude that follows the same chord structure as the verse but with a different feel, brought about in one particular recording by several 12-string guitars harmonizing a different melody, it gets "stormier" sounding, and instead of going back to a third chorus it leads into the final verse, with sort of a surprise abruptness, into quiet again with the "your dream is real" line.

In general, the verses have a quiet feel to them and build into the choruses that have harmonies that don't precisely follow the same timing as the melody line but rather swirl around the melody and crescendo until the word "downtown" which is sung alone.

Don't really know where this one came from or why the name was William. It sort of wrote itself, so I enjoy puzzling it out myself...hard to even say it's mine--I feel more like the messenger or a conduit than the actual writer on this one. A very weird but gratifying feeling, that.

Hi Lyle,
Welcome to the board.
I like that. I don't think you need a Bridge either.
I've heard other songs with a similar setup. It works quite well when done well.
"hard to even say it's mine--I feel more like the messenger or a conduit than the actual writer on this one."
----
Right on, As Hank Williams or somebody said when they asked him how he wrote all those songs--------
---"I don't write 'em. I just write 'em down"
Good work
Wy

Hi Mark

Welcome to jpf

Enjoyed the read. I hope you get to posting a music link sometime. jm

Thank you for the kind words Wyman and Joice!

Any advice on posting an mp3? Are there any free sites for this sort of thing?

Posting the music itself would probably save a lot of "splainin" on the lyric threads--I notice most people on these write lyrics that are not yet beholden to the confines of the music. As a result, I'll get advice like "add more to the chorus"...but there is no more room to do that when the music is already written.

Hi Again

www.soundclick.com

join as a band - free membership and upload mp3 files

it'll walk you through it.

Holy cow---better than I hoped for. Thanks again, Joice, and in return I'll go out and buy Joni's new album...we used to call them albums, anyway. She's still one of my favorite songwriters, still a heroine. Can't wait to hear what she's been up to.

Mark,
I meant to look at this some time back. Sorry. I like it. That last verse does it for me - ties it together with a purpose.

Have fun,
John

Very grateful for the critique, John. I have a little groundwork to do, but one day soon I will post an MP3 of it. Thanks!

you will Not be dissapointed.....

Hey, thanks to Just Plain Folks, I am now streaming around the globe. Here is a version of "William" that I recorded with some friends late one summer night in 1990 when we had the run of the recording studio at The Children's Theatre in Minneapolis.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=759055&songID=5852038

It's spotty for sure, but it puts across the intention of the song. I remember coming home that night just a little before dawn. I thought my girlfriend was mad at me because the bedroom door was shut.

Then I saw the bat flying around the room. Ah, such a night.

Hi Lyle,

Welcome if I haven't welcomed you as of yet! Your title stirred my curiosity and now I am really curious what genre you have for this lyric????? If you ever pitch your song be sure to change the copyright to the current year since it is better for a publisher to see the current year and not wonder why nothing has happened to the song in all those years. Looking forward to hearing your MP3 when you get it up and running. Interesting lyric.

Best,
Lynn

Thank you, Lynn. Sounds like great advice--I've never tried to pitch a thing in 30 years of songwriting, so if/when I go for it, all with this year's copyright, maybe I will appear to be kinda prolific!

Well, "William" is a slow acoustic strum...I suppose it's a folk song? You know, I've got a feeling I'm going to have continuous trouble naming those genres. I've always enjoyed doing something different every time, so I've tried a lot of different styles. I'm sure most of us have. That's how I remember radio in the late 60's/early 70's. I think of an album like the Beatles' Revolver and smile that we call it Rock, when it contained "Here, There and Everywhere" as well as "Taxman" as well as "Tomorrow Never Knows"... I do understand that it is necessary to know and market the appropriate genre for any particular song. But if things ever kick in for me, that genre thing is going to come up to bite me...because I sure don't know MY genre. I've got a lot to learn.

Anyway, there is now a link to the song, above. It's nice to know the title intrigued you, and I hope you can tell me what sort of song it is. Gracias!

Hi Lyle

While i agree with the others on liking this song... i like it because the basic idea has already been done.

I am not exactly sure how this is sposed to sound so I'll give it a listen when I get home.

Though what I did notice while reading it is it is very close in meter an general build to a first edition song (Kenny Rogers was in first edition) called "Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town) And considering you william character is being told not to go downtown it makes it even more plagaristic.

That said I am not saying it's bad just not original. I did however like the story just needs a more original setup.
Derek

Hi Again Mark

Ah so glad that you put that link up......Nice voice if that't you! I think the arrangement is very nice and I like what you have going for guitar rythum. Lots to like about the song. It works for me on many levels....I do also like the background vocals mostly, but there is something there that needs fixing or looking at if you do an updated version...It may be just one or two notes adjusted even...I'll try to come back and listen again, but it brings down the pleasant quality in your chorus, so it's worth tweaking.

Anyway, so glad you are posting here.

jm

Thanks Joice...yes, that was me and it was a goofy version. A bunch of giddy friends set loose overnight in a recording studio for free. It probably works best with no frills, just one voice and one guitar.

Wow, Derek...Kenny Rogers? Ouch. That would be some cruel cosmic irony indeed if that influenced my thinking. But plagiarism is a pretty strong accusation. Man, I'm just floored. I don't think I've voluntarily listened to an entire Kenny Rogers song in my life, much less plagiarized him. Sorry if that offends any of his fans on the board, but I am just so far from a fan... I sort of remember "What Condition My Condition Is In", but can't imagine what "Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town" sounds like. Still, I'll give a listen to that lyric. But from the title, it sounds more about a man who doesn't want his girl to be a hooker, and that sort of song is almost a genre in itself (Police's "Roxanne", Steely Dan's "Pearl of the Quarter", Elton John's "Sweet Painted Lady", etc.), whereas "William" is more along the lines of keeping your naive kid brother from getting conned, or about listening to the angel on one shoulder rather than the devil on the other.

Kenny Rogers...? Please just shoot me.

hey Lyle

Ok I got a listen and it sounds nothing like "Ruby don't take your love to town" your off the hook lol jk. I like it definitely rough but overall sounds good. It just goes to show even if the words seem similar doesn't mean it's the same song.
Sincere Blessings
Derek

Oh, it was written by Mel Tillis! Well, at least I don't feel nauseous anymore. His song is about a man who was wounded in the war and bed-ridden...meanwhile, his wife has an affair. Bummer! Here is the lyric for Mel Tillis' "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town":

You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair.
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere?
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down.
Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town.

For it wasn't me that started that old crazy Asian war.
But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chore.
Oh I know, Ruby that I'm not the man I used to be.
But Ruby, I still need your company.

It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed.
And the want and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby I realize.
But it won't be long I've heard them say until I'm not around.
Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town.

She's leaving now 'cause I just heard the slamming of the door.
The way I know I've heard it slam one hundred times before.
And if I could move I'd get my gun and put her in the ground.
Oh Ruby, for God's sake turn around.

Blessings back atcha, Derek, and congratulations on that beautiful baby.

Glad I came back Lyle...I like it lots....and that interlude's "just the thing"... Thanks for putting it up!

Ciao

Thanks again, John. Like I said, okay song but goofy version.

Wonder who such a song would appeal to...

Hi Lyle...and nice to meet you!!

I really liked this....Thought that was a super melody to match your words... and like Lynn, your title pulled me in....
best...to you,
Kaley

Piano Melodies and Demos:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404
Kids Music:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469
Andy & Friends CD:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg

So nice to hear! Thank you, Kaley.