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Loony Lim'ricks,
Volume 2
©2007 James M. Quillen

"Do you back planned parenthood, Lee?"
"Of course," said the youngster to me.
"Ev'ry kid should fight
For the basic right
To plan who their parents will be."

An amorous golfer named Brown
To marriage vows didn't feel bound
'Cause on the club stairway,
Not on the fairway,
His wife caught him playing a-round.

"Some Old West Indians," said Hyde,
"Repaired torn garments with great pride.
They could deftly mend
Rent cloth or buckskin
And were called the A-patch-e tribe."

The short shorts inventor, seems to me,
Should be viewed by posterity
As one who exposed
From buttocks to toes
Such lovely gams- what a leg-ah-see!

An Italian named Capella
Was a most likeable fella
But when he sang arias
Without orchestrarias,
His friends would groan, "Aw, Capella!"

A fertility doc, a Haitian,
Spoke at the United Nations.
Sev'ral ladies there
Arose from their chairs,
Gave him a standing ovulation!

Said good looking deli worker Lynn
While handing a hoagie to her frynn,
"If your brother Jake
Still wants a date,
Tell him I can sandwich him ynn!"

Long ago in a prehistoric land,
Cave woman Cro ruled a stone age clan
But she harped so at her mate
For coming home so late,
We now call him the Cro-nag-non man.

I don't mind a cow's constant mooin'
Or a turtle dove's loud cooin'
But what gets my goat
And sinks my boat
Is pigeons droppin' all they're dooin'.

"Prove that I exist," said Fifi.
"No problem," said her twin Mimi.
"If you're in doubt,
Stand up and shout
'Je pense, donc je suis' suis."*
(*I think, therefore I am am.)

Country Music fan Sam Cutty
Is off the wall, I mean nutty.
His one goal in life:
(Please don't tell his wife)
To be Dolly's bosom buddy!

A social climber from Van Nuys
Longs to dress sharp like other guys
But to this date
He can't get straight
How to match his shirts with his tuys.

An old streptococcus named Cain
Had a fight with his girlfriend Jane.
Said he, "I'd date Phyllis,
That sexy bacillus,
If my heart could stand the strain."

Gripes psychology student Tess,
"My roommate causes me great stress.
Her tongue's sharp as a sword
And at sowing discord
I'd rancor as one of the best."

A cattle breeder from Tenn.
By the name of Bill Henn.
Stops at the feed store
Ev'ry day at four
And shoots the bull with the menn.

Folks say astronomer Clower
Never leaves his viewing tower
And he must be daft
For he takes no bath
Till there's a meteor shower.

Hard working seamstress Greta Gritch
Sewed day and night without a hitch
Till a plumber named Dub
Surprised her in the tub
And there she sat without a stitch.

The chess club members were aghast!
The new recruit had played his lhast.
Explained he, "My dear friends,
I'm not all I pretend-
You see, I've led a checkered phast!"

Two hoopsters, a girl, a guy named Sam,
Jilted by lovers on the lam,
At first consorted
And then they courted
And got married on the rebound.

A canine book author named Taft
Humorously works at his craft.
Said he, "On a lark
I compared each breed's bark
And it's all here in my 'RUFF!' draft."

Bragged vain, conceited, handsome Jeff,
"Got too much to keep on the shelf."
Said she, "Bet you're a lemon
'Cause God's gift to women
Never comes wrapped up in himself."

A Chinese tailor, Ray Yon,
Married a Korean, Ms. Day Cron,
But his half brother Jack
Didn't cotton to that
And wed Ms. Polly Esther Tron.

Said old master archer Frye
With a quiver in his eye,
"Some events require
Our formal attire:
Arrow dress shirt and bow tie."

'Twas asked of a furrier from Japan,
"Is a skunk coat fit for a man?"
"Wear it," said the furrier,
"If you're not a wurrier
But I'd get as fur from it as I can."

James, you're a genius.

I'm coming back here, later. I promise.

Hello again, oh master of the puns!
I am so glad that you finally posted the second thread! You are so extremely talented and I love reading your work!!!!! Have you done any research on finding a card company yet?

Heidi

Thanks Tricia...you're most kind. I assume by "genius" you mean the nonsensical variety.

Heidi, hello to you again too. I appreciate your continuing support and encouragement, and I am looking into the greeting card angle...definitely not ad-verse to the idea at all.

Oh, Jim. You just can't help yourself, can you? (ad-verse.....) I just adore your wit!

Heidi

Heidi, I'm afraid you're right. I find it difficult to resist an opportunity to make a pun. Matter of fact, I got punning fever so bad once that I wrote a lyric full of puns called My Dairy Truck Got Creamed. if you ever get a chance, you can check it out at this link: http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/Forum112/HTML/003213.html

Wow, you sure milked that song for every drop you could! It was another James pun-filled journey! I sure hope you get that card thing on. I want to buy the entire lot up front!

Heidi

Heidi, glad you liked the dairy truck lyric and hopefully something good will come from your greeting card suggestion. Thanks again for the idea.

James,
I can't really comment except to say these are great. You should compile enough to publish a little limerick book.

John

John, I appreciate the read and the fact that you think my limericks are good enough to be published. Don't know how much demand there would be for limerick books these days although I have considered the possibility of trying to get a few of the better ones published in a literary magazine just for the fun of it. Also I'm looking into Heidi's suggestion of checking with greeting card companies to see if they could use any of them in their greeting cards, and if I'm lucky enough to get any published in any form, I'll be sure and post the good news in this forum.

James,

I LOVE a good limerick. looks like i can come to your thread every now and then to "get my fix" .

-steve

Steve, glad you dropped by to read volume 2 of my limericks and it's always good to meet another limerick fan. If you ever get in the mood for even more lim'rick pun-nishment, you can check out volume 1 of my Loony Lim'ricks which is located down towards the bottom of the Creative Writing Forum main page.

When's the book signing. I want to be first in line!!!!!

Lynn, thanks for the compliment about being first in line for the book signing...I really appreciate it. I probably have written over 200 limericks and would have enough to publish a small book, but I'm afraid the demand these days for a limerick book would be mighty small as opposed to say 50 or 60 years ago.

James,
You could place them all in a book format to copyright them for one compilation fee. Then, you could start with an on-line book to begin as a promotional outflow. After you set that up, you could e-mail card companies with a link to your book and ask if your limericks would be of interest for their cards? It's a very inexpensive way to try marketing them and it may take you to the next level. You have to outflow if you ever expect to inflow! If no one knows about your highly creative puns, how will they ever be seen past this site?

Heidi

Heidi, I might just try that. That's not a bad idea at all. Right now I'm in the process of locating and compiling all my limericks into one collection because I have some on old floppies, some handwritten, some typed out, and some on my hard drive. As soon as I get them all together and edited, I'll copyright them all in one collection, and then check into the greeting card possibilty. Thanks again for all your kind words about my limericks, your suggestions for marketing them, and most of all, your encouragement.