JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum new post of Who I Am Today #2

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=688973


lyric


Who I Am Today © Janice Green

I watched her close the book she’s read so many times before
And as usual she gave thanks unto the lord
She smiled at me and said, come here and sit with me
Our little talk might help you see
Then grandma said to me what’s on your mind today
Can I be of help, would you like to pray
We all need the lord to guide us on our path
Some time down on our knees, just might take care of that

chorus
She said, don’t put your life on hold
Go ahead and let it all unfold
And remember to give thanks along the way
It’s worked for me, and it’s made me who I am today

I know without a doubt what she said turned out to be right
The little talks we had gave life a brand new light
Decisions in my life, they seem so hard to make
Until I close my eyes and let the lord lead the way
Life’s an open field with dirt that needs a hand to plow
Grandma’s words gave seed and helped to show me how
A fleeting moment, can be taken away in haste
Fill that moment with a prayer, cause they’re no time to waste

chorus
And don’t put your life on hold
Go ahead and let it all unfold
And remember to give thanks along the way
It’s worked for me, and it’s made me who I am today

Bridge
She said you know I’ve lived out most of my life
Some how finding good in every change
And just when it seemed that I had, had my worst day
I’d look up to the sky and say

I won’t put my life on hold, I'll just live and let it all unfold
But Ill remember to give thanks along the way
It’s worked for me, and.. it’s saved me ..yeah
It’s worked for me, and it’s made me, who I am today
Who I am, who I am, who I am…..today

Hi Janice,

Just go to the page where you can click on the lo fi/ hi fi button. Then copy the web address there in the top of your screen. Then paste it to your reply box here (where you posted this post. (edit it in I mean).

Hope that helps.

Vanessa

Hi Janice..

Try this link:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=688973&songID=5329303

Nice song. Well written and performed. Love the violin.

Rick

thank you vanessa and rick.

Hi Janice. Not my kind of music but it was well produced and I liked your voice. The song is ok. That is praise indeed from a rock guy like me. My only crit and it is really nit picking is that when the music reaches a "lift", there are a few in the song, instead of an exciting chorus or something different uplifting happening it kinda lets you down by just going back into another similar verse. I have to let you know that it is one of the few songs I have managed to listen to all the way through recently. Most have been turned off after only a few seconds. All the best JIM

thanks for the listen Big Jim. I appreciate your honesty. I am honored you made it all the way through.

Hey Janice
I have been in the business a very long time. I tend to be honest and speak my mind. You can see that from my posts. If your song was not salvageable I would have told you. As I said I was only nitpicking. It is ok as it stands. But if you want perfection, nothing wrong with that, try and add a little something after the lifts or change the lift a bit. Suggestion why not add in a small secondary chorus it is unusual and I have heard it on some other songs. Great songs need something a bit different or unusual to make them stand out. You remember when as a kid you were told a story and your mum went all quiet then suddenly shouted boo at the scary bit. It brought tingles and you were not frightened but laughing. Maybe I have not explained this properly it is kind of hard to put into words what I mean. I call this the expected unexpected. You are waiting for something to happen you dont know what and then feel good when it does. Any way I will keep a lookout for any developments. JIM

Janice, I like this version better. Love that violin and the mandolin. Love the vocalist on this.. I think it does need some lift too, it's real pretty though.

hey big jim,
I do relate to the boo and the laugh. I'll have to do some serious thinking . maybe tomorrow. anyway I thank you so much for your input.

god bless

louis,
thanks for listening to my new version. It's still not what I had in mind. but I don't write music or play, so I have to rely on musicians. we had quite a hassle with this song.
song writing is all about the journey, I've decided.

god bless

Hi Janice,

Nice melody, instruments, vocals and hook!!!! Since the lyrics aren't printed, I'm thinking your chorus is this:

"Don't put your life on hold....etc"

and it's very good BUT if you move up the chorus to come in a bit quicker in the song and make it alittle higher with the lift before it also being higher than this song can go from very good to very great!!!!! I know your probably thinking oh, but I've got this demo finished and the money, etc but I think it's worth another investment. If you print your lyrics which I hope you do and is common practice over here, I could've shown you taking your lyrics but I'll try to explain without them (but please post them in the future if you can).

Example

Verse
Verse
Lift (Higher and building)
Chorus (Even higher and climatic)
Verse
Verse
Lift (Higher and building)
Chorus (Even higher than lift and climatic)
Final Chorus (As high or higher than previous 2 chorus)

I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. You are off to a very good start but w/these changes it can take very good over the top.

Best,
Lynn

I like it Janice. I think I know what might help after listening again.. I think your chorus should be a pre-chorus. And should walk up...into a new chorus.. Melody in the verse works.

lynn,

I do understand what you are saying about the chorus. I have a different version of the song posted and everyone loved the chorus. but the verses struggled with his singing and maybe the music he put with it. so I had it reworked and some new thoughts put to the lyrics because most wanted to know who she was. The music when I heard it, I was sick, because it did'nt lift much at the chorus. they have it lifting at the end of the song. although the more i listen the more i get used to this version. I don't write music or play an instrument so rely mostly on what musician thinks the way the song should sound.
hopefully one day I will have a musician co-writer.
Thank you for your advise. I will get the lyrics posted tonight.

hey good idea Louis. Thanks.

I enjoy the mandolin in the background, and the violin going on in this. The vocalist has an easy, Amy Grant-style voice too.

I have to agree with the "lift" on the chorus being missing, which it sounds like you already noticed yourself, too.

Is there any way to blend the new verse with the old chorus?
I don't know what kind of contracts you're working with, with the musicians and all... but I wonder if that would blend.

I really like the lyric of the new verses though. That's great work there.

And Jim has stated elsewhere he's an atheist, so if he listened all the way through, that's huge praise!!!

The arrangement and vocalist, etc. are very easy on the ears to listen to, though. I could listen to more of that easily... even with the hoped-for "lift" missing.

Nice work! And such a fast turnaround! You must be connected.

Linda

Janice,

There's so much of this that's absolutely fantasitc. The vocal is superb. Is that you singing? If so, you've got an awesome voice.

The production is great. It sounds good. Even if this is a pro demo, it still sounds good for that...

This tune has one huge problem IMO. It doesn't have a chorus. I think that's what JM was trying to say. Your 'chorus' sounds like a lift/rise/climb/prechorus section.

If you want to collaborate, I'm willing to try tweaking your melody. (you wouldn't have credit me if you don't use my ideas). Search the BMI site for 'Ian Ferrin'. I've got two published tunes. It's not much, but I think I know what I'm talking about. PM me if you're interested.

Sorry,

There is SO MUCH that is really fantastic about this.

Peace,

Ian

Hi Janice,

Just listened and found it masterfully sung, uplifting and inspiring.
Well done!

Terry

Hey Linda Just cause I'm an atheist does not mean I do not appreciate good music. Hell we write some of the best ha ha ha.
I even like some of yours!!!!

Hi Janice....I can totally understand why you are sick at the re-done version...the best part of the first version is missing...ie the "hook"at the chorus..but all is not lost IMHO...I went back and listened to your 1st version posted last week..the position has now been reversed,with this new version,..nice verses .better voice lyrically..but the original "hook" has been replaced..keep the new version verse wise..and the female singer...and bring back the original "hook" chorus..could be quite a nice marriage there....this is the big downside when you depend on other people...to play,record and sing your material..as far as this song goes it is a real pity..there is a nice combination floating around here...you must remember in this business this old quote.."oh that will do"
that i'm afraid is not an option... only when you are completely satisfied,that is the only criteria.I dont know your circumstances Janice but i take it you are paying for this recording....and if so...between these two versions lies a real nice song..you really need to be a bit of a pest in this business..there is no other way..Good Luck..Terry Moore..

hey guys and gals,

lots of wonderful in put about this song. I appreciate all of it. you are all great friends. I am going to nashville next tuesday with a couple of song writer friends, to a jason blume works shop. I will let ya know what the expert says. lol
I wish all you moms out there a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY . which will keep all you dads happy.

terry,

you're exactly right about the first version and the second . I talked with the musicians and they did'nt seem to think that would work. but I am a determined person so I will find a way.

thank you

Oh Janice,

I am so jealous...a Jason Blume Workshop for me would be like a kid in a candy store. They are always too far away from my home. (Sniff-sniff). I did read his book. Go and enjoy and learn alot. If I'm not writing I even like talking shop about songwriting!!!

I know you can find a good studio who knows what you want and knows what to do to take this song from B to A plus (although I did love your vocalist). Good luck and keep us posted.

Best,
Lynn

Janice,
You have a truly lovely song here. The words are perfect for your venue and the message as good as gold. I personally liked the laid back feel of the verses and how beautiful your voice truly is throughout the song. It sounds to me like you do have some power if you choose to use it in your voice. One suggestion that I believe would offer a better presentation for your song would be to go UP in the second half of each chorus to show that you have the range and power that you're suppressing, in my opinion. Bring it up at " and remember to give thanks along the way" etc.. and in the last verse "It worked for me""" etc. let me have it right between the eyes so my heart can feel your JOY!!! This song you have is absolutely wonderful... and indeed beautiful!!! The chorus and the end are the most important pieces to your works in this Christian song you wrote. your voice can do it!!! Good Luck!!
BOB

lynn,
I wish you could come also. heck fly in. the session is free.
I am looking forward to it, and hope I don't come home crying. They say he is pretty nice. anyway thanks for input.

Muskie,

thank you for the kind words. You're right about getting some range but the music won't allow much. I did talk with one of the musician today. I sent him a copy of the finished product so he could hear what I was telling him about the lift, everyone is missing. He says he will do whatever we think it needs. now I have to convince the one that runs the studio. Or what the heck pay again. lol
I can go on line and show him all my messages. (good idea)
Youn have a great week end.

Janice, have fun at your workshop! Let us know how it goes!

Jim--I'm just teasin' ya a bit, mate, is all. Your very true comments made me smile. Still chuckling. And glad you like some of mine too, thank you kindly. <bow>

It IS a great song, Janice, I'm sure the right melody for all will come your way soon enough.

Linda

linda,

your comment to jim raised my curosity because I hadn't seen anything funny. So I went back and read. It must be the expected unexpected. I've had a good laugh myself now for about 2 hours. That might be a new song idea.
Thank you for sharing

Hi Janice,
Glad to give you a smile!
I figured Jim could handle a little teasing now and then. (He hasn't come back in--so I hope I'm right!) LOL

Let me know if you figure out the new song!

Linda

Hi Janice,

Resident lunatic here I haven't had much chance to listen lately but I checked out both versions of your song.

Without a doubt version one has the better chorus!
It's almost there I am hearing the last word "today" sung quicker in a 2 accent kind of way. It just seems to land without impact especially in version 2 the lsat line is a let down.
In version 1 it is much better, but would love it two be sung on a 1-2 impact!

There are some really nice lines here and melodies.. I think both could use touch more drafting...
But the biggest snag in this song for me is SPACE it just feels like it's parts are running into each other.. I'm not locking into any one hook.

It's phrasing and rthym that it needs. It was close in vesrion one but the verses were much better in version 2.. the timing and phrasing was way better there.

I don't know what your goals are so it's hard to get into too much. Goals determine everything when doing this stuff It's too bad more people don't know that!

If your goals was to have a pretty song, you got one!
If your looking to shop it then some adjustments are needed. You don't need an expert to tell you that.
Better flow, more distinctive hooks, a vew lines made stronger and stronger chorus in a nut shell.

All the best and welcome aboard

Hi Linda and all
Who's teasin who? Ha Ha Ha I knew ya wis teasin so I teased ya back. I was serious about liking some of Lindas stuff. Even an atheist can like good music ha ha ha.
My grandad said "If you cant laugh don't even bother crying." Lots of love and good luck to you you all and "Lang mae yer lum reek" as they say (translation available)

Let us know how the workshop goes and what is said....Janice..

So much of this was lovely...and about mid way through I really
started liking this....!!!... I agree with the chorus thoughts
from folks.... It has so much going for it....and I think some
subtle changes...would make it soar...

Lovely words...
Lovely melody parts...
Lovely voice....

Hope you can keep at this.....!!..
best wishes...
Kaley..

Songs for Adults
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404
Songs for Kids:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469
Andy & Friends CD
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg
Kaley and Wy's Songs Put To Animation:
http://www.flashfast.com/kids

Hey Janice:

I liked the chorus of the original better. But I think you've done a terrific job on revising the verse lyrics. Someone suggested marrying the two versions - I think that's worth exploring.

I believe you have all the pieces here for a great song - keep punching on it!

Scott

Thanks Kaley and scott!!!

Hey Janice,

The song builds well, nice swells and drops, cool mandolin but maybe a little overused, I'd probably drop it back a little and replace with rythem acoustic. Beautiful bridge ! Ah, a little rushed lyrically coming out.

It has all the makings of a well wriiten song. 3 consecutive story lines is hard to accomplish, and I think you've done well inerweaving the themes. A spit here, a polish there, an add/delete, and you've got it sweet

cheers, niteshift