JPF Home Page Forums Week 4 Lyric/MP3 Critique Pick: The Dark Side Of My Heart

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Harriet for the Mentor Critique is Greg C. Brown's The Dark Side Of My Heart. She will be posting her critique on Monday, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Harriet posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Harriet and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Harriet Schock, or take a class in person or one of her on-line courses, please check her website at www.harrietschock.com.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Greg's entry!

Brian
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The Dark Side Of My Heart
By Greg C. Brown

I'm curious whether the subject matter in this song, or others like it, is too unpleasant for country music (the intended audience I have in mind). I've been told that songs should be a little more uplifting, or at least offer a positive outcome. Personally, I like an occasional downer. Is there really no place for a song that shows the ugly side of life?

The Dark Side of My Heart
Copyright 2007 Greg C. Brown

There’s hesitation in your voice
A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes.
If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.

You know I’d never do you wrong.
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue
And you wind up on the dark side of my heart.

CHORUS
The dark side of my heart can be callous and cold,
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
You never would have guessed this at the start.
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
Is living on the dark side of my heart.

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
I have heard it said that to know you’ve got a problem
Is half the battle finally being won.
Help me turn my ears from the call of the bottle
With you by my side, it can be done.

REPEAT CHORUS

Hi Greg

I don't know much about what the country market wants or likes, but right out of the gate I'm gonna say that this is very well done. You immediately get my attention with a very good Hook. Your opening verse continues to do so I want to know what the story is about. Love the imagery of doubt swinmming in your eyes, great stuff!

Your approach to a drinking song seems fresh and unique.
The chorus sings for me and supports the hook
You continue with great imagey iin the second verse with the moon being bright
Though you say in your intro there's no up side, I believe th bridge comes off very hopeful.

The story and imagery stays strong to the end.

This is a very nice piece of writing imho Nice job

As a piece of writing I like this immensely. The "sunny side of life" gets way too much emphasis in the chart hits, for my personal tastes. I also understand that "inside" writers get more room in their subject matter and that "outside" writers are consigned to scratch at the well-pecked "positive" song territory.

This song doesn't have obvious (to me) lyric glitches or blunders. The fundamentals are there. The phrasing is good and some of those lines are pretty damn good. I like the use of assonance and consonance instead of perfect rhyme that gives this work its color. The writer shows a good sense of tone of expression. The lyric makes sense, there are no non sequiturs, I can follow the lyric, I am satisfied that this lyric has no immediate impediments to being set to music.

I can believe what the song sets out: The woman is showing the first signs of reluctance in the relationship, the man begins to express, for the first time, his weakness.

I think the four-line Verse that immediately follows the first Chorus is too abstract. The song had seemed to lead up to the directness and bluntness of the Chorus. After that kind of buildup and payoff, it felt like I was back to square one. The talking about hiding doesn't seem to fit. He wants to be honest, so that's what he should be.


My overall view; not looking at the songwriter details: The song, for all its technical strengths, doesn't have an overtly stated unifier. The audience doesn't really want to know details about the dark side of the heart, so you can't go there. (Plus, he really ain't a bad guy!) And, although it's a strong image, it isn't the strongest image in the song.

There's great talent on display here.

Greg Paul

This is for the most part written well. It has a good hook and is well constructed and thought out. How it will be to music of course is a different story.

“There’s hesitation in your voice
A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes.
If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.”

The last line of this verse as it is worded seems awkward to me or even better artificial. This was obviously the writers’ intent, but IMO most people would not speak in this manor. I would look at a stronger more conventional way of say how much you'll be sorry they're gone.

You know I’d never do you wrong.
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue
And you wind up on the dark side of my heart.

In this verse the first line count seems to be different than in the first verse which will change the melody line. Whether this is wrong or right to do I don’t know any rule one way or the other. I often do the same thing myself. The rhyming seems to be consistent in both verses.

The dark side of my heart can be callous and cold,
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

I find it interesting as to how this chorus is laid out. There is a long metering of the first line and the third line. As I look at how I would work this into a musical score I find myself wanting to break these lines up into two lines like this example:

The dark side of my heart
Can be callous and cold,
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says
Can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

Other than that this is a good strong chorus IMO.

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.

I this verse I’m not sure I like the way the second line read. I think this writer could be a little craftier in the wording of this line and strengthen the verse in the process. This verse also seems to wander off track from the main theme of the first part of the lyric. It also doesn’t lead into the next verse very well. I would either re-write the verse to set up the next verse or drop it all together.

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
You never would have guessed this at the start.
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
Is living on the dark side of my heart.

This verse as it is written could easily take the place of V.3 and stand on its own with the bridge.

I believe the writer has done a very good job with this lyric. Whether it is marketable or not? I would have to say that depends on the musical score, melody and an artist strong enough and willing to take the risk.

All in all IMO Gregg has done a great job with this lyric. Making some adjustment like I pointed out I think will make a very solid lyric.

Best Regards,

Teddie Cochran
www.teddiecochran-music.com

Slow blues for me very nicely Greg.
I see another song in that I'm sorry for the rest of your life line.
Top line that.
I do see it could tear jerk country pretty well, but I would leave a bluesish feel in it even then.
Think Jerry lee Lewis, Ray Charles mix sort of.
I like the write.
The abab rhyme threw me a little until I had done it a few times, it being a road i don't often travel.
Loved how the leave/believe came out vocally.
Graham.

Hi Greg,
Good provocative title-hook and pretty good writing.
It's probably a little "dark" for mainstream country today though Whiskey Lullaby was a hit. and it was about drinking, drunks and a double suicide, formerly common in country music but not seen much these days. 'Course it was written by Bill Anderson and I don't know of anyone here of his caliber...
I don't usually favor using the hook outside of the C but sometimes do as you did here in the last line before the C. It "does" tend to take up a line where you could impart some new info.
The hook is hammered home well. They should remember it.
The story may lack some "resolution". Like , does it really "go" anywhere---Some in the bridge, though he's still in the dark side of his heart. "Maybe" he'll overcome it.
I guess whiskey and/or the bottle is the demon that keeps him there..Maybe the last C line could call on the Lord "specifically" for help, .As is ,it's kind of a common saying, like Heaven help us , or me.
The wrong--tongue rhyme may be a bit of a stretch.
The next to last C line seems like could be stated a little differently.
The many "art" rhymes may get a bit monotonous.
The bridge may be set up a bit too much like the verses though the line lengths are quite different
All in all though, pretty good writing. Critiquing is all a matter of opinion. I think the song could work with some tweaking. Good luck with it.
Wy

Most Of what I thought has been covered already. And better than I could have said it.
The first question I would ask myself is; Who is going to want to sing this song?
Written in first person the singer is going to look pretty bad. I would sing it but I'm not a star, lol. So who cares what I look like.

I like downer songs myself. I write a lot of them. But I think conversational language is very important in this type of song.

Lines like; A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes; are great but not conversational. Who talks like that?

This line; I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life. Is poetic but seems awkward and forced to me. Who'd say that?
as does; Whiskey does the talking for my tongue.

I like the story and sentiment.

Hi Mr. Brown,

I've been thinking about your lyric this morning. The main character (first person) singer seems to be quite a character and you've really captured the attitude of the addict I believe. Not sure who would want to present themselves so directly as the character described here with your authentic dialog. He's really trying to smooth talk his way out of a corner. His most effective tool is to speak as if his heart is not even part of his body so he can't really be held accountable for what "it" does. That made me laugh but it's sadly true about the addict personality. It's just easier to laugh at when it's someone else (the main character in this case) who is making a fool of him/herself. Like I said, you've done an excellent job developing the character of a smooth talker here.

If his partner is healthy at all though, he/she will not accept the excuses. So, in this case I'm not sure writing the character's dialogue in first person like you have will work. You implied this might be a sad song. But to me it's coming across more like satire and humor. I don't think an artist could pull it off as serious anyway. <edit>also, about this time I'm picturing the singee is getting tempted to start throwing things at the singer---it is funny!<edit>

Another reason the lyric comes across as humorous, is the use of several VERY common "heart rhymes". I may be rhyme-challenged (and I am) but, I've about decided that any "heart-song" I write will have to have the word "heart" in a line that doesn't require another word to rhyme with it. Another way to avoid this would be to choose a near/off rhyme rather than a perfect rhyme but those may be getting tough to come by too. At any rate, perfect rhymes tend to be more common in humor or satire (at least from what I remember----but it could be I'm making that up-----help Harriet!!!)

Some of the language used by the character in this song also hints of humor right away. "A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes". Those descriptions seem to be opposites. A trace implies a hint of something to me. But, when something is swimming in something, the implication is quite the opposite. If that was your intent----it works. The singer needs to be clowning around with tongue in cheek humor though imo. I don't think it would work well for a serious sad song.

Also, in the first verse, this phrase seemed humorous, "I'll be sorry for the rest of your life". Again, it works if this was your intent. But, for a character in this condition to come across believable and serious, he/she'd need to say "I'll be sorry for the rest of MY life." It doesn't make sense for a person to be sorry only as long as the other person is alive. That implies that if the partner died before the singer died, there wouldn't be any more sorrow. Again, I can see this as only working with satire (or whatever they call it---I'm still learning).

I do like your hook---"Dark side of my Heart" It's very catchy and is not as common a rhyme as the others.

The word "lure" doesn't seem to match the tone of the rest of the language used by the character. But, then he/she would be inconsistent at best so, it might work depending on which overall mood/tone you are going for. It doesn't work for serious imo, because most people don't use the word in the context you're using it here (at least the plain folks I know). On the other hand, personifying the bottle puts more emphasis on the power of outside influences and less responsibility on this character---so, again, that could also work to push it toward humor.

The description, "November's moon" seems to come out of nowhere to me. The setting is not described up until this verse and it's the third verse, even coming after the chorus. It's just my hunch that the setting should come earlier for a sad song. As it is, I have no clue where the singer is or what has just happened. I'm only getting to hear his explanations for the demon/dark side of his heart. It's not coming across like he/she's really sorry.

So, the bridge seems to lose it's payoff while also sounding a bit preachy since it's telling us what a lot of AA groups say to their members----admitting the problem is half the battle). IMO it would be better to demonstrate that the main character/singer(writer) has actually made this critical discovery in his/her life. That would be a sad song and it would make me (the listner) feel more empathy for him/her. If this is a serious song, of course. If it's humor, then it offers a payoff by way of the poor example the singer sets for admitting his/her problem.

The last plea the singer makes with, "help turn my ears from the call of the bottle" could be very effective (if it's taken as a joke). I was actually pulled back toward the serious mode when I read that. If it's supposed to be taken serious <edit>(and that's getting more and more doubtful)<end edit> I'm left confused since the character hasn't convinced me that he/she has really hit rock bottom and is willing to take full responsibility for his/her own failures. A heart can't be referred to as an "it" if you want to tug on the heart strings. That's my opinion. But, I could be right or wrong. <edit> On second thought, this is CLEVER, using more personification of the bottle---the bottle has a voice and "calls" the singer----oh my! And it's the whiskey's fault---it "does the talking for [his] tongue"! (my favorite line btw!) Smooth talker for sure. But, the singer is putting the responsibility onto the singee to 'rescue' him/her. Great use of dry wit---if that is in fact what it is! <end edit>

Finally, a couple incidental observations:
1. you've got for the most part, pretty strong perfect rhymes going on except for the wrong/tongue rhyme. Not sure how that will work with music. But, you do have a consistent structure throughout the verses with ABAB.

The song seems like it actually ends with the bridge. It's just that the singer has gotten around to asking for help so the chorus doesn't seem to work as well after that. I don't know how to offer help on that though. I'm still so very green at this complicated job of songwriting myself. So thanks again for tolerating my bold statements. I'm fully prepared to be corrected in the end if necessary.

I do think this lyric could be used to show how a person comes across when they are not taking responsiblitly for themselves. I think it could work with a genre' that uses humor to make the listner see him/herself more accurately. So, if that was what you were aiming for----it really does seem to work to me. I wasn't being sarcastic.

I'm so glad there's many talented critiquers here, especially Harriet. I'm looking forward to reading all of their notes along with you. Thanks for sharing this example of a VVCVVCBC lyric. That's one of my favorite structures.

Thanks again for making your lyric available to all of us. I write my thoughts with all due respect to you as a writer. If anything I wrote comes across as callous, it's due to my inexperience at thorough critiques (or the dark side of my heart---whichever way you'd prefer to look at it) and I apologize for it ahead of time. When I have my turn, I'm sure I'll learn better how to say things.

Vanessa

<edit> I've been thinking a bit more about this lyric and I keep picturing this guy, Ken Davis using some of these lines in his stand-up gospel comedy routines. I'm thinking your intent was to get the listeners to laugh at themselves----and with such a dark topic---humor does seem to be the most effective tool. It worked that way for me anyway. It made me laugh with the singer at myself(and if the singer is also a comedian kind of singer---it should work right?). Afterall, we all have dark sides to our hearts that are lured by all sorts of bottles. Right? Now, as far as putting this to melody? I didn't hear anything---that's not unusual for me though since I am just beginning to study all the different 'groove patterns'.

I'm now convinced this is intended as humor and it's starting to sound rather brilliant in the total package. Lot's of broken rules can work in the right genre'. Great job! I'm just a little slow today

Hi Greg,

Here are a few thoughts on this.
As I read through the lyric a few times, I could not establish the “Why” of this song.
I could see that ‘Drinking’ has something to do with it, but not sure exactly how.
I can see by the end of the first verse that someone might be leaving, but I am at a loss to know why? The first line “There’s hesitation in your voice” leaves me asking why? What did this person say that would convey “hesitation” this may seem trivial to some but I want to know, because it doesn’t elaborate on it.

If you say “There’s hesitation in your voice as you say good-bye” then I could see this working, but not how it is written.

The lines that follow do not explain the why of this song. The singer Mentions the “Whiskey” but does not make clear if the person is leaving because of the “Whiskey problem" or if he said something hurtful after drinking the “Whiskey” it could go either way, and that can lose someone.


”You know I’d never do you wrong.
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue
And you wind up on the dark side of my heart.”

After reading this, I am asking-did the singer threaten that person?
Did they singer physically harm that person?
I like the line “And you wind up on the dark side of my heart”
But, I am not sure it’s saying what you might want it to say.

I am with you in the Chorus until I get to this line
“ I blame it on the LURE of the drink”
This line seems like it could work before the lines before it.
“Lure” implies temptation to me, so it doesn’t work after the facts.
It’s a reason for, not the result. (Hope that made sense)


”November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.”

I think someone mentioned the “Moon line”
It seems to pop out of nowhere. Is there some reason why a “November”
Moon is brighter than an “October” moon?

If it where an “October” or “December” Moon would that change things?
Would he/she be able to turn it off? Silly questions? Maybe, but this is what people are going to ask. The last verse seems to flow and say what you intended to say.

I think the bridge can be said in a more conversational way.
There first line seems too casual, like talking to a group of people.
Sounds like you are about to go into a “Punch-line” or deliver a “Campaign Speech”.

This is how it all hit me. I am not sure how to correctly critique this without fundamentally knowing the why/reason of the song.
I do believe there are some good things about it, but I feel there are too many distractions that keep them from sticking out.

I wish you the best on this and thank you for letting us feel like we know “Everything”
About what we are saying lol. All the best to you!-Dana

As usual, I write this without reading other comments. I think it is the best way for me to stay as unbiased as possible. It also creates the potential that I will make a great fool of myself. I do read the comments after I post.

I think this is a wonderful forum and when Harriet grows tired of us, I hope Brian will continue to find other professionals like Harriet who are as generous with their time and attention. So on with the amateur critique:

For me this is an example of a lyric that got written without enough research before the lines and rhymes got stitched together. With a hook like this one, you are automatically tipping me off that you might be comparing the heart to the moon and you started to do that in verse 2 but then you didn't take advantage of the metaphor their waiting for you. The moon is interesting because although it revolves, it revolves in sync with the Earth's rotation so we always see the same "face".

"Total eclipse of the heart" is a song that covers some of the same ideas implied in this hook: " Your love is like a shadow on me all the time". So I am looking for something interesting in the metaphor. David Hasslehoff of all people, had a cut with a song called "The dark side of the heart". Not great lyrics but it did have a nice part in the chorus about "you came to me to shine your light on the dark side of my heart".

I don't know that is is important to know what other's have done with a similar theme, but ultimately, I think it is important to know if your treatment is truly original and if your hook has really hooked the listener. This one didn't reel me in. I have a theory that I try to apply first to my own lyrics and that is: It is never the listener's fault if they don't "get" the lyrics. If someone tells me I don't "get" it, I am back to the pad with a re-write.

So, for me, I don't even know if it is useful to for me to get into details of the lyrics because I am not convinced you really knew where the song was going at least in relation to the hook. I don't think you have to know where a song is going when you start writing, but before the lyric is presented, you should have the story and hook in sync with each other. I don't see that you made it clear what this dark side is and who is inhabiting it.

So in summary, my critique is all about the main idea and use of the hook. I think had you been clearer about that, you could have steered clear of the complications that muddle up the lyric. I'll let others point them out. I will just give you one:

In the line before the first chorus, you say, "...you wind up on the dark side of my heart"

then just before the second chorus you say, the demon... is living on the dark side of my heart"

I don't think you want to say what you did in the first line if you meant what you said in the second line because that would put (her) with the demon. And that wouldn't make sense because I think you are saying that alcoholism is often concealed from loved ones. That dark side is turned away from her just as the dark side of the moon is turned away from the Earth. I think you need to explore the Sea of Tranquility to save this one.

Greg,
this seems to flow well meter wise. The language is pretty poetic in spots. I'm a little uncertain but right off it seems he's proposing marriage or something like it. Then he's apologizing for using words that hurt and explaining that it's because he's an alcoholic which is news to her. Then he's telling her she can save him?


If the point is he has a dark side to his heart I'd agree.

This sort of story may well fly if there's a payoff like she actually does say yes. A couple things make it difficult for me. Like how long have they been involved and just what does she have no choice about? Why doesn't she already know he's a mean drunk? Not knowing makes these people hard to picture. More conversational language would help too.

I don't mind if he wasn't raised on country sunshine. It's just not entirely clear to me.

John

First of all, Greg, I see no reason why you cannot talk about something real in a song. Songs can be fun and uplifting, but they can also be windows into the soul. We all have struggles, and music is one of the ways we communicate and express the dark side of the soul as well as the lightness.

For me the difficulty in the lyric is that you are talking about a relationship that is never fully realized in the song. I don't know if you are talking to a wife, a son, a daughter. I feel your pain but the relationship is not present.

As an aside, I have to say that no one can stop an alcoholic from drinking except themselves. To believe anything else is a fallacy. It puts far far too much responsibility on the spouse or other family members to expect that it is their staying or going that will impact the end of the alcohol abuse. So in this respect I find the lyric, while expressing the longing of the drinker to have that support, and expressing the real desire of any addict that 'if things were just okay I could quit', puts forward a point of view I do not agree with.

The Dark Side of My Heart
Copyright 2007 Greg C. Brown

There’s hesitation in your voice
A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes.
If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.
[this line doesn't work for me -- the verse is all about 'you' and I think the subject matter is too heavy for a turn around here. I would keep it simple and say 'I'll regret it for the rest of MY life'.]

You know I’d never do you wrong.
[but this is obviously not true - otherwise the other person wouldn't be leaving]
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
[that contradicts what you just said - and is very typical language of an addict - 'it's the whiskey talking' - it's anything but me, being responsible for my own behaviour and actions. It also contradicts the chorus]
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue
And you wind up on the dark side of my heart.
[I don't think the other person winds on on the dark side -- YOU wind up on the dark side]

CHORUS
The dark side of my heart can be callous and cold,
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
[exactly - blame it on the drink, not the character, not the hurt inside, not the person that needs counselling or help]
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
[very true, very true]
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.
[this is beautiful imagery, so very touching and real]

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
You never would have guessed this at the start.
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
Is living on the dark side of my heart.
[I'd say 'is living IN the dark side of...]

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
I have heard it said that to know you’ve got a problem
Is half the battle finally being won.
Help me turn my ears from the call of the bottle
With you by my side, it can be done.
[this is the part I don't agree with. It's not anyone else's reponsibility to turn an alcoholic from the call of the bottle.]

REPEAT CHORUS

Please don't take my comments as being negative. I actually think you have a very powerful idea here. I think you just have to get right into that dark side and 'admit' in the song how the booze has coloured your life, and you wish it was different. I suggest you listen to Johnny Cash singing Trent Resner's "Hurt" - not to copy it, but to hear how the regret is expressed. I think you are trying to do something rather like that, and I encourage you very strongly to make the song about the 'singer' and his regret at how drinking has ruined his relationships. In that way you are both expressing something profound and also sending a message that needs to be heard.

Thanks for posting this. It certainly touched my heart.
warmly
Vikki

"...too unpleasant for country music...?" Maybe. The power of the melody, and the emotive persona of the vocal delivery, will have to make the difference. He's desperate, despairing, a realistic portrayal, but hopeful in the end. That hope comes late, but comes. He's asking for help. That's appealing. Whoever might record this has to play this character, and make him likable enough that she (we) would stay and try to help him save himself from his addiction. Sometimes, you have to cut and run, to save yourself. What will make us want to hear it again, and stay?

Dark Side of My Heart © 2007 Greg C. Brown (Omit "The")

There’s hesitation in your voice
A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes. (good line)
If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.(So far, so good. Singer speaks directly to another person, observations of something making us want to know what. The "I'LL be sorry" and "rest of YOUR life..." is a neat twist, further luring me in.)

You know I’d never do you wrong.
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue (good line, good rhyme)
And you wind up on the Dark Side of My Heart.
(Title hit #1: You're hitting the title, probably within that crucial 47 seconds of the beginning, beginning to hook listener.)

CHORUS
The Dark Side of My Heart can be callous and cold, (Hit #2)
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
The Dark Side of My Heart (Hit #3)
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the Dark Side of My Heart. (Title hit #4. The hook is set!)

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
You never would have guessed this at the start.
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
Is living on the Dark Side of My Heart. (Title hit #5)

REPEAT CHORUS (Title hits #6, #7, #8)

BRIDGE
I have heard it said that to know you’ve got a problem
Is half the battle finally being won.
Help me turn my ears from the call of the bottle
With you by my side, it can be done.

REPEAT CHORUS (Title hits #9, #10, #11. Title "hammered" home.)

I just had a little sing of this in the slowish (about 90 BPM) blues mode the lyric suggests to me Greg, and it ran with nor intro or insrtumental break, to 4 minutes 50 seconds as laid down here, which makes it longer than it wants to be I feel, so maybe some word trimming is in order.
Even done country, it doesn't want to be too much faster i am sure, as that would get it into happy mode I would think.
I just recorded a vocal, using Audacity, while reading the lyric on this page, then recorded a bit of harmonica under that while listening to the said vocal track, and from that, it sems you are in 16 bar sections with the chorus running to 24 bar, which tended to throw me off following the vocal (not being able to read the lyric while doing that because of the rough method i did the recording by, and had to use the vox wav pattern as a guide to where I was going), so that suggests to me it needs eight bar sections either back or front of the chorus as it is now.
Or the word trim started at the chorus to get it down to 16 bars.
Some of those lines in the chorus have 12 sillybillies, which is really pushing the penny as regard to singability.
I broke them into bars to be able to do so.
It does sing fine as it is written Greg, but I am sure it needs a trim to make it do so in a manner anybody would want to.
Have fun.
Graham

Hi Greg,

I keep reading this over and over. Like Vanessa, I can't figure out whether it's meant to be a bit humorous. I've decided that I like it best when I'm reading it with humor!

If it's not meant to be playfully done then, for my taste, the chorus is a bit too dark. I'd like to see the last two lines of the hopeful bridge incorporated into the chorus.

I like it...very interesting lyric!

Lisa

Hi, Greg!
This one is very difficult for me to critique, but I will try.

Content:
If you are trying to portray how an alcoholic thinks, you have captured it very well. The singer is saying what most alcoholics would say. They would play on the sympathies of the significant other, say they are sorry, blame everything they said on the drink, and ultimately want the other to shoulder part of the burden for them. If that is not what you are trying to do, perhaps rethink some of the content.

Regarding the mechanics of it all: It sounds to me like you are working with a tune because you have a lot of awkward phrasing and unnecessary words in the piece which you normally don't put in your songs. If you don't have a tune in mind, perhaps streamline the phrases more so the meter is smoother. If you do have a tune in mind, perhaps look at some of the phrases and see if you can make them more natural sounding. Tongue and wrong are not a good rhyme - perhaps rewrite one of those lines.

The following couplets really stick out to me and perhaps it would be good to rewrite them:

If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
(Try thinking instead of believing. )
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.
(It could be taken as being sorry for the other person.)

You know I’d never do you wrong.
(The singer already has done wrong. Maybe I didn't want to do you wrong.)
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
(I feel this line doesn't fit in with the song and may be there just for the rhyme.)

I particularly like the part of wishing the moon could be turned off so the significant other wouldn't have to see what a mess the singer is in.

The chorus might do better shortened.

CHORUS
The dark side of my heart can be callous and cold,
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.


Well, that's all the damage I can do, LOL. Good luck to you.

Hello Greg,

Well, I took some time earlier to study your song and make a diagnosis. Let me adjust my little green mask here...

Your subject matter is fine for a country song. I think of them as singing in your beer songs. The main problem I see is that the story or the character in the song does not really progress from start to finish.

The listener doesn't find out until the seventh line that this is about his drinking. I think the Whiskey does the talking line should be the first line of the song because it is the strongest line up until that point.

There is a line drawn somewhere about casting the singer in a bad light. I think you might have difficulty finding someone who wants to sing this because the character is whining, not owning his problem, expecting her to stay and help him, and even implying that the woman would be making a good choice to stay.

Regarding the bridge:
These two lines in the bridge are not in character for an alcoholic;
I have heard it said that to know you've got a problem
Is half the battle finally being won

The last line, With you by my side, it can be done,
does not lead into the final rendition of the chorus still singing about his dark side.

You need to decide does she go or does she stay? Let the listener know this. Personally, I think she has got to leave so that he learns that he alone is responsible for his problem and that would take you back into the chorus. Perhaps he even says, Leaves me crying in the dark. I might feel more sympathetic to this person if I know he has taken that first step.

My favorite section is the one that start's with November's moon. That section starts getting to the truth of the matter. I like the interesting contrast between the moon too bright and the dark side of his heart. Another contrast you could take advantage of is between the Whiskey talking/the call of the bottle and the silence when she leaves?

As far as structure, I would take the hook line out of the verses and that frees those lines for more story and takes you out of the trap of rhyming with heart. Save that hook for the chorus!

Have fun,

Vondelle

I have a hard time "hearing" it, so that is making a critique difficult. One thing I have started to look at first are the rhyming schemes.

In verse one you do a hard rhyme on lines 1 and 3;
On verse two you do the hard rhyme on 2 and 4;
On verse three, you have lines 1 & 3 again ;
then for verse four you rhyme 1 & 3 AND 2 & 4.

Does this mean the melody changes on the verses?

I am traveling this week for business, so I don't have much fun time. Thanks for submitting your song and I am looking forward to Harriet's critique.


Kevin

Hi Greg,

I'm a strong believer that a well written melody and accompaniment can totally transform a lyric. So keep in mind that my critique might change substantially based on the music you eventually put this lyric to.

First of all, I think the this lyric has a good flow. I also think you've done a good job of capturing the self loathing that almost all addicts develop. The bridge attempts to lead the song in a more hopeful direction but it seems a little out of place compared to the sense of "resignation" that the rest of the song conveys.

Now, on to the lyrics in detail:

There’s hesitation in your voice
A trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes.
If you leave believing you’ve got no choice,
I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life.

I think the first two lines flow really well but I'm not sure about the "trace of doubt is swimming in your eyes." I don't think it's necessarily a contradiction but it kind of comes off as one.

In country music, high marks are given for a clever turn of phrase (as opposed to conversational phrases). One of the most popular ways to craft a clever turn of phrase is to use what I like to call "diametrical reversal."

"I'll be sorry for the rest of YOUR life" is diametrical reversal. We expect you to say "rest of MY life" but you throw us a curve ball that ends up on the opposite side of the plate.

This technique can be very effective but, in this case, it comes off as flippant and totally out of sync with the tone of the rest of your lyric. It's a good idea but I'd save it for another song where you could fully exploit the irony.

You know I’d never do you wrong.
It’s just sometimes I don’t act very smart.
Whiskey does the talking for my tongue
And you wind up on the dark side of my heart.

"Whiskey does the talking for my tongue" just doesn't do it for me. It's important to get that point across but there has to be a better way to say it.

The dark side of my heart can be callous and cold,
It often speaks before it ever thinks.
And sometimes what it says can chill the warmest soul,
I blame it on the lure of the drink.
The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

I'm not sold on the chorus in general but, at the very least, you should consider re-writing the last 3 lines. They're too repetitive, in my opinion.

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.

Aside from "I swear I wish" this section is written well and has that "jaded wisdom" vibe that works so well in this type of song. "And wonder how I ever got so lost" is simple, poignant, and powerful.

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
You never would have guessed this at the start.
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
Is living on the dark side of my heart.

This section needs to be re-worked, in my opinion. It's a letdown compared to the previous section. I'm not saying to totally abandon each line but each line needs a tune-up.

BRIDGE
I have heard it said that to know you’ve got a problem
Is half the battle finally being won.
Help me turn my ears from the call of the bottle
With you by my side, it can be done.

Aside from, "Is half the battle finally being won," which I like a lot. I believe the rest of the bridge needs to be re-worked; line 3 especially.

Overall, Greg, I think you've done an excellent job of identifying the thought process of many addicts. Is it too dark? I'd like to hear it set to music before I would make such an appraisal.

This is a good effort that, in my opinion, could benefit greatly from the re-write process.

Best of Luck - Phil C.

You have some nice metaphors in this, but after reading it twice,
I find myself with many questions.

V1 says the singer feels certain she doesn't want to leave him, but the last line sounds very ominous.
"I’ll be sorry for the rest of your life" To me there could be an underlying hint, swimming in those words, that if she dared to leave him, her life might be cut short.

V2, while assuring her he'd never do her wrong, he immediately says he simply doesn't act very smart at times. While drinking to excess isn't "very smart", the greater implication is that he could would equate the two as similar. Like the guy who will admit to being a drunk, but no way to being an alcoholic.
"Whiskey does the talking for my tongue" is not only oblique, but it's stated in an unnatural way. ie, you'd never say, "I do the talking for my tongue."
The "dark side of my heart" is such a strong metaphor, that anyone who could think in those terms would be seeking help in every possible venue, rather than hurt the one he loves.

Once again, in the chorus, the bulk of the blame for his callous heart is not even the drink itself, but the "lure" thereof, sort of a double cop out to distance the singer from direct involvement, it seems.

V3 will probably sound good when sung, but it's not quite clear to me, how he wouldn't be exposed anyway. He has already, albeit indirectly, admitted to everything.

I made a few minor changes to the bridge, in an effort to make him sound more dedicated and confident. KOS
Ben
BRIDGE
I have heard it said when you know you’ve got a problem
Half the battle's already won
I want to turn my ears from the call of the bottle
With you by my side, I'll get it done.

Dark Side of my Heart

First I'd like to say that there's craft and there's content. I will address both here, but the content really got you guys going, didn't it?

Here's a danger I see constantly in classes, critique websites, etc. Songwriters don't listen or read the same way if it's an "amateur" song. If we heard "Dark Side of My Heart" on the radio with a great melody sung by a known singer, we would probably not have ANY of the criticisms (except for the "rest of your life" line). But we've been asked to critique it, so we take out our red pencils and immediately start counting syllables--a bad idea. We should count beats instead. We ask ourselves if this is language we would use. We question the point of view, etc. The problem is, songwriters hear the title and instantly sketch out their OWN lyric (in their heads) with that title and then read the lyric that's there. So if the existing lyric veers from the song sketch they have instantly written with the same title, then they think the one in question is wrong. It may not be "wrong." It just may differ from the one you envision, the plot you have made up, the language you would use.

I read Greg's lyric without doing that and it seemed perfectly clear to me. He has embraced the view of an alcoholic perfectly. Yes, the character's behavior is his own responsibility, but he may not see that from where he's sitting. People don't have to look wise or take responsibility in a song. We might like them better if they did but every viewpoint is interesting if it's authentic. And many alcoholics blame the alcohol first, before they ever learn to take responsibility. At least this character knows he has a problem. That's better than some. He might not have been physically abusive, just verbally and maybe this is the first moment he's realized he has a problem and needs help. I'm amused when I see people on their righteous high horses about how the character should feel. In "Dark Side of My Heart," the character is still a bit naive about whose responsibility it is. From what I know about AA, he has to admit he has a problem before he does the inventory thing and all the steps. This could be early in his alcoholism.

I do have a problem with the line "I'll be sorry for the rest of your life." How does he know he's going to outlive her? Is he going to kill her? Here's an example of a clever twist that twists around and bites the songwriter. If he's going to be sorry right up until the end of her life, he'll have to be alive long than she is. The first verse doesn't nail it down but it doesn't have to. It makes us want to know what's going to happen. I would change that last line of the first verse, though.

Structurally, Greg, you might go to the bridge right after the second verse and that will allow you to have only 2 choruses, because your chorus is long. Also, regarding the chorus, you might want to go from "I blame it on the lure of the drink" to a line like "Tonight I heard you crying in the dark--Oh, heaven help the dark side of my heart." This would accomplish two things: It would remove "dark" in the line before the one about "crying in the dark" which is followed by the title. There are too many repetitions of "dark" and too much "ar" sound. You don't need the title one more time in the chorus. Twice is enough.

Vanessa asked me specifically for help on whether perfect rhymes were more often used in satire. They're used more often in traditional writing like Broadway and classics of the Tin Pan Alley day. They also deliver a punch that is needed in comedy and satire. But there's no need for the listener to assume it's satire because there are perfect rhymes. This song is as far from satire as a drowning man is from a comedy routine. (By the way, the reason the "trace of doubt is swimming in her eyes" is that she's starting to cry and there's liquid there. I could be reading into it, but it seems fairly obvious to me that's why he used the term "swimming"--NOT because it's a comedy piece.) It's fascinating to me how people interpret things. You have to remember, Greg, not everyone will be your target audience. No problem. Just say "next."

The reason I think it's "November moon" is that it's late in his life or in the relationship for him. I love the line "I swear I wish that I could turn it off." Of course he can't turn off the moon. One of the critiquers was literal enough to have a problem with that. The fact that it's so wildly impossible is what makes it a good line. It's impossible, however desirable, to be able to turn off the moon like you would a light by the bed. You see? Very nice.

Some of the lines may change once melody gets involved, but that often happens. It reads pretty well to me, as far as a melody fitting it, but some lines may be trimmed or put a bit more naturally once Greg hears the melody that's put to the first verse and chorus.

The demon lives on the dark side of his heart and when she ends up there, she gets the demon rather than him. The demon is merely his dark side that comes out when he drinks. It all makes sense to me. Maybe I've just been around too many drinkers in my life, but none of these criticisms about non-conversational, abstract, "why November," she's with the demon--none of these seem to apply, from my perspective. It's very clear and yet it doesn't hit us over the head. It's told poetically (and by that I mean saying a lot in a few words) and from an authentic viewpoint of someone who believes if she stays, he can overcome the problem. Maybe it's naive, but it's an authentic viewpoint. Maybe she'll get him to meetings. Who knows? It could happen.

When we write, we tell a lot about ourselves, whether we're writing songs, emails, critiques or just writing in our journals. That's why we keep our journals private. I'm glad we can reveal so much about the way we think here and know it's safe to say it around each other. I don't ever mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Please let me know if I do. We have a great thing here at JPFolks. Brian has created it that way.

Some very insightful surprises here!

I am a little confused now.. Do you feel that the critiques are invalid? I am not sure by reading this. I still feel like the character or singer has not made it clear what the song is about.
I only get a hint on the 7th line where he mentions the whiskey.
Maybe I'm a little slow lol.

I don't see where it's made clear about what's happened to make this person leave? I could paint my own picture of it, but I thought that it was up to the writer to paint what they want you to see?

I don't know, maybe I need to have it spelled out for me to really get it. I get a better idea after reading it as a whole, but I've been taught/read that the writer should make everything clear by the first verse of first few lines or risk losing the listener? I know that there are things a signed established Artist could get away with, but I thought we were reviewing from the perspective of an unknown writer? Is there no room for improvement in making this more clear? I'm not being funny or anything, because I am really confused. I do see the points in people over-counting syllables or telling the character how they should feel. I see that.

Thanks for any further insight on this.-Dana

It was very difficult for me to say how Dark Side of My Heart honestly came across to me. And after spending time critiquing my critique in my mind, I have come to the conclusion that I was uncomfortable with the lyric so I was inclined to look for comic relief. That way it wouldn't make me cry. Didn't work though because the lyric made me cry anyway. It is very powerful.

As far as the "trace of doubt swimming in your eyes" ----I did gather Greg was referring to crying there. That's why I thought the word "trace" didn't apply. Seemed to me that the tears brimming would only be equated to the singee's heart being moved with compassion (in a serious piece), rather than also being associated with the trace of doubt. If it was the doubt alone causing the tears then it would be more than a trace of doubt, imo. That was the reasoning behind my very comedic interpretation.

This lyric did reveal some unpleasant things about my own judgemental attitude. I'm especially judgemental of myself. But, I didn't think I felt that way about others who struggle with addictions. I thought I was more empathetic with them. It seemed to me that if I assumed the writer was writing about himself in this lyric---that would be judgemental. So, I inserted myself as the main character into the lyric. But sitting here writing this I'm reminded that I need to be able to treat myself with the same dignity/respect as someone else.

I'm so glad that your critique affirmed the authentic quality of the character's viewpoint. I totally agree that one should not judge the viewpoint as long as it is presented consistently throughout the song. And Greg did a great job of that. I probably identified a bit too much with the character personally (addiction to other distractions/escapisms) so projected my own cynical interpretations of how my own spouse might react to me. Your responsible and humane treatment of the material is actually a relief to me. Thanks.

Yes, Greg, Harriet is right--- just say, "Next" after my critique as I realize now just how off base and socially irresponsible it was. It was not intended that way at all though. And I hope you will forgive my clumsy, interpretation.

In the future I should probably write my critique in a notebook and not post it. I'll still learn but won't risk offending others and embarassing myself. These posts can be too revealing so keeping them private like a journal is probably a good idea in my case. Wish I'd thought of it earlier. Too bad I can't turn off the moon right about now. Where's Mr. Graham?

Vanessa

I am pretty much in line with everything Harriet said I liked the story, I liked the way it evolved.
I still like more conversational language, especially when writing first person.
Having been an Alcoholic myself I knew axactly where this character was coming from. Alcoholics NEVER blame themselves, until they finally admit they have a problem.

Also, i agree. Counting sylables is not the way to meter a song. It's beats. Phrasing and beats.

This has been a very productive exercise for me. The varied interpretations of the story by folks here were very enlightening. Interesting how different minds work.

I think I settled on my image for the song during the first read. The model in my head was the classic Ray Milland movie "The Lost Weekend". Much attention is given to how the lead character's hidden alcoholism prevents his relationship with the female lead from succeeding. From that point on, I interpreted everything in the song in light of that. I like to think I challenge myself when I interpret songs, but there's always another interpretation that might be "more right".

When a "darker" song is done in First Person, it does require the singer to do all the heavy lifting of putting himself in a bad light. It can be difficult to know how many anecdotes are the right amount.

That's what made me question the "hiding" idea in the Moon Verse. The song would come to an abrupt end right there if he did simply stop talking! Here it seemed like a "doubt and indecision" drama ploy of a movie. But, that would be too much subplot for a 3-minute song.



I wonder whether the writer developed a "backstory" prior to setting the lyric. I suppose the alternative is accept/reject each line as it comes to you. I think the backstory, or at least heavy consideration of the subject, is useful when you have a song that has a "slow reveal" of the character.

This is fun.

Greg Paul

P.S. Bill, I'm with you on counting beats. I think these Syllable Counters better get on their own 12-step program. :O

Vanessa

Your critique of this song was your first interpretation and impression. How you felt about it as a reader and a songwriter, and potentially a listener if it is put to music.

Whatever your impression was, right or wrong, does not make it a bad impression. It's how you felt.

That's why we are here. Songs have two impacts on us. As writers we get analytical and start picking them apart. As listeners we here the music, the delivery, the emotion, and the words. The words often take us to a different place when we hear them in a finished song.

Don't be to hard on yourself and certainly don't hold back expressing what you feel about a lyric. That won't help anyone, including yourself.
I am usually wrong more than I am right but the wrongs are what make me learn. I just hope I am not continually wrong about the same thing, LOL.

Well, I had an advantage over some, in that I've been around the board a long time in spite of registration dates or numbers and I already knew Greg as a good writer and I thought the song was basically solid. Soooo I thought, some of those who are tearing it up on the assumption that Harriet was going to do the same had better look at the song again. IMO Harriet's critique didn't find anything drastically wrong with it. The nits were mostly finer points and the rest reinforcing what Greg did.
Oh yeah, while conceding that beats or stresses are the deciding factor, I'll defend syl counting as a "starting" place, especially for beginners that don't understand about beats and stresses yet. I've heard some melodies where the melody maker didn't have the privilege of changing words and they say, "Well the music makes it work" , but they're putting the stress in a word where it doesn't naturally fall. I've heard songs on radio--CMT, where they did that. I guess that's not really a disagreement, but if the beat or stress doesn't fall naturally, then the beat is "not" the be all, end all. In that case the syl--word should have been different
'Nother good job Harriet
Wy

Hi Again Greg

Something that I forgot to mention about this above, is that even though I know you want country and probably a male vocalist, I would be willing to sing this in a heartbeat. No, I'm not an alcoholic either, but I've been close to several. There's great potential to help people with this kind of writing and perfoming. jm

Thanks again Harriet and Brian for the education. !

Ah ha. The rest of your life line was indeed a big think for me too Harriet.
And it was worth the pain as I decided the singer is in fact saying they pity the other party having to go through the rest of their life, and it worked good for me to the extent, I believe it deserves a song built around that line.
Really enjoy reading your critique Harriet.
Graham

I'm going to try something just for the fun of it. I hope no one is offended and I may be way off base but if this were mine and I needed to do a rewrite then I would do something like the following using the same idea and basic structure. In doing this, I found that the lyric only made sense if the man with the "problem" came to the realization that "she" had to leave him. That is probably not what you intended to say but that is the conclusion I came to. I took liberties with the meter because I was not "hearing" this lyric. i also switched verse 1 and 2.

The Dark Side of My Heart

(V1) November’s moon is much too bright
I wish that I could turn it off
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry side
And wonder how I got so lost.

I’m not the man you thought you knew,
I keep my dark side turned away
But this demon I’ve kept out of view
might kill us both, if you stay

CHORUS
The dark side of my heart is cold
An icy stone that doesn’t blink.
It spins, it breaks, it chills your soul
But I just blame it on the drink.

I know it’s only fair we part
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.


(V2) There’s hesitation in your voice
Doubt is swimming in your eyes.
If you stay because you’ve got no choice,
You’ll be sorry for the rest of my lies.

I never meant to do you wrong.
But sometimes I don’t act so smart.
When the whiskey fortifies my tongue
I hit you with the dark side of my heart.

REPEAT CHORUS

(Bridge) November’s moon is much too bright,
I wish that I could turn it off

REPEAT CHORUS



By the way, my alcholic brother-in-law year ago came to my mother's house and ask if he could stay for awhile. He said, If I don't stop drinking, I will die" His cousin had just died at the age of 38 of liver disease. I think Art was 36 at the time. It was the first time he had ever admitted that he had a problem. He is now 66 and very healthy. That two week stay saved his life he tells us today. I don't drink but Art told me years later that something I said to him back then kept him sober all those years. I could't remember what I said so he told me. It was just a simple analogy about walking near a canyon and knowing that if you get too close, you will fall off and die. But on the other side of the canyon is the sun rising. Just keep walking toward the sun. It gets darker as you get closer to the canyon but no matter how far into the shadows you get, the sun is always there. Up until the moment you actually fall over the edge, you have a choice to walk away. So even a relapse is just a step in the wrong direction, not the end of the line. I didn't even remember telling him that story until he mentioned it but he said it was the story he held on to when he felt tempted. So our thoughts and story telling may make a difference even when we are not aware of it.

Greg,

I think you did a great job on this song. I didn't have any doubt about what was going on in the first verse. You set up a nice mystery that lead to me wanting to know more.

The story is clear to me - the singer is afraid that someone is going to leave him. That someone is clearly thinking about it. But has anyone out there ever left anyone and not felt a little hesitation and doubt? I've been in that situation where someone I loved dearly was being self-destructive and I had to leave, but this was after a long time of trying to help and not being able to. I had the thought "maybe if I ________..." but it never worked. So I had to make the decision - lose my own sanity or leave. I left. And when I told him I was leaving he could probably hear the hesitation and doubt. Those aren't easy words to say. Greg just said all of that in four lines. Good job.

The point of view of the alcoholic is accurately told. He's trying to figure out what's going on. At least he's gotten far enough to know that whiskey turns the tact button off. That's a good starting point.

As for the singer not being in a good light - we don't always look good. That's a fact. But this singer does not look like a total jerk - he's finally come to the conclusion that he's got a problem and needs help and he doesn't want to lose this person who is, obviously, important to him. If he were some guy who drank, slapped his wife around and said, "Deal with it b*tch!" then, you'd have a totally unsympathetic singer and the song would be too dark for country or any other genre.

Vanessa, girlfriend, take it easy on yourself. I think you learned something valuable, and you were not alone in your original thinking - someone else said they thought it was a comedy song. I think you're brave to fess up to what was really going on. Your second post will make me think twice when I have a strong negative opinion of the content of a lyric. Is it just a flash reaction or is there something I don't want to face? Am I looking at this lyric objectively or am I reading something into it that isn't there? Yikes! Thanks for that and keep posting.

I love this board. I feel like I'm getting to know the regulars who post, and that's fun. I hope to meet you all in person at some point.

Cheers!

Andrea

verse
verse
bridge
chorus
verse
verse
chorus

That's delaying getting to the chorus. Is this what you mean? If you can think of a song with such a structure, please post. I have favored using a bridge in an "unconventional" manner before. Thanks.

Greg,

I read this over & over and I don't feel as though I'm qualified in any sense of the word to give a critique...but I've been told that it isn't always about being qualified. From a poetic POV this is amazing...you used such wonderful imagery & powerful lines that it put me there. I could feel what the guy was feelin'. That in itself can sometimes make a song great IMO. I didn't comment earlier because no matter how many times I read it..lookin' for something to suggest...I couldn't find anything. I feel a little better about that now...since Harriet didn't have a lot to disect either.

I think you could probably take it either way you'd like (more serious or humorous) and it would work. But I'd have to vote for the more serious, emotional angle. It's much more powerful that way. I would love to hear this with a melody behind it. Maybe you can talk Graham into that.

Bree

Sorry for the confusion, Duke and others. I did not mean to bring in the bridge after the second verse. I meant after the fourth verse. I sort of thought of the first two verses as one section and the second two as another, but that's wrong. Technically, I should have said after the fourth verse. So it would be verse, verse, chorus, verse, verse, bridge, chorus. Thanks for helping me clarify that.

Great comments Harriet!
I was far too busy to do more than read the lyric this weekend...
and reading all the other critiques just now, I was getting a bit confused, because it seemed so clear to me.
Yes...I wasn't sold on the "sorry for the rest of Your life" line...
but I thought I had followed the first verse easily. I took the "doubt swimming in your eyes" quite literally.
to me...if something is swimming in something.... it's fairly small. (like a mouse swimming in a watering trough) So this whole song was like a eye-opener for the singer as well as the person he's singing to.
She's starting to have doubts about his outburst (based on later lines) and thinking that if that's the way he is... she "has no choice" but to leave, for her own safety...or at least sanity.
And if I could extrapolate in my mind... perhaps these doubts she has are an eyeopener for him about his drinking.
as he says in the bridge, knowing theres a problem is half the battle. That to me made it sound like he's just getting it through his head...that yes...it's a problem.
and again...if I tie it to my eating...(or lack of successful dieting <sigh>) If she stays.... even the slightest encouragement could be enough to make a difference. "I believe you can do this" can go a long way.
So I didn't put the singer in quite as bad a light about thinking she could help him.
I think it all comes down to how you interpret some things.
I see the line
"I blame it on the lure of the drink"
as not putting the power on the alcohol... as much as putting the powerlessness (or at least weakness) in the hands of the singer. It's a different way of saying "I can't fight the cravings"

again... great comments Harriet.... and a good wake-up call that occasionally, we look too closely and miss the flow of it all.
and Greg, like Joice Marie... I too have no problem singing a song like this. but then again....I'm not held back by a big label or hopes of getting airplay. (not that I'd refuse it LOL)
A real tearjerker gives a singer more room to play the emotional side.

Again, Harriet, you come through with some great insights and very specific advice. We probably disagree a little as to how "finished" this lyric is but I think you hit the nail on the head in several key areas.

There are a couple of points I wouldn't mind getting some clarification on:

Harriet wrote:



I totally agree that, many times, we try so hard to be good critics that we forget to treat the song/lyric like we treat songs/lyrics we hear on the radio.

However, Isn't that an awfully big if? Especially considering it was submitted for critique as a lyric only. Submitting a lyric without a melody might open up the lyric to closer scrutiny, but isn't that the point?

Harriet wrote:



I agree with you that we should not get caught up in criticizing content, but I would like some clarification on,

When you talk about "language" are you referring to style or phrasing? You suggested some very specific re-writes so I'm assuming you're referring to overall style or point of view as opposed to how certain lines are phrased but I thought it might be helpful for you to expand on this a bit.

For instance, you stressed that you felt this lyric was very "understandable" as opposed to many others who didn't seem to "get it."

Surely, though, understandability isn't the only measure of a well crafted lyric. Personally, I have no problem understanding the average grocery list but I've never read one more than once and I certainly wouldn't want to hear one on the radio.

I would submit that no matter how understandable your lyric is, if it's not "phrased" in a natural, conversational, and elegant manner (yes, I said elegant), it falls short of the current "state of the art" (more on this in another post).

So, putting the re-writes you suggested aside, do you feel that the rest of this lyric is phrased well enough to be pitchable?

Thanks, Harriet, for taking the time to share your insights with us. You are greatly appreciated.

Phil C.

Because of my wife's ongoing health issues, I haven't had time to critique the past two selections by Harriet. I hope to be much more actively involved in the future. I still owe many folks a reply from an MP3/lyrics that I posted recently. Will get to that tonight and tomorrow night.

There is one thing I took from Harriet's critique of this lyric that hit home for me. When we critique other folks' songs, as we do here at JPF, we tend to critique them almost exclusively as fellow lyricists/songwriters...not as the listening public might casually and informally do in their own minds. Do we try to nit-pick to the point of always looking for perfection? Do we feel it is necessary to "red pencil" every little thing?

I, personally, am less of a stickler for the finite details. I want to know if the lyrics support the title; do the lines make sense; does the story (if there is one...sometimes there isn't in genres other than country) flow logically; is the metering close enough that the singer and musicians can work with it; does the song/lyrics leave me with a definite emotional feeling; do the lyrics and melody meld okay? I dwell on those points more than the "fine-tuning", which can be done just before recording.

Perhaps, because of my critiquing attitude, my critiques are too shallow. Could be! But, I try to envision this as the listener might. They are the ones who put money into the pot that gets spread amongst us by means of royalties. Just the way I see it!

Alan

Honestly, WL, I don't think most people were critical because of what they thought Harriet might say. I think most people who offered an opinion did so because they were convinced of their point of view. Right or wrong, at least it's honest and that's a good thing.

I think it's totally appropriate for Greg to give the utmost weight to Harriet's opinion because she's a professional with a proven track record.

That being said, I would never alter my opinion of Greg's song based "solely" on the fact that Harriet disagrees with me. I've worked too hard at becoming a good songwriter to jettison my deepest held instincts the first time someone disagrees with me.

Wy wrote:



If that is indeed what Harriet is saying (I've asked her to clarify that), then I would have to respectfully disagree.

Let me make a couple of assumptions (forgive me, Greg, if I'm jumping to conclusions):

1. Greg intends this to be a country song.
2. At some point, Greg will consider pitching this song to publishers and/or artists.

If this is the case, then I would submit that this lyric is not just a few niggling details away from being pitchable.

As I mentioned in my critique, I understand how much a good melody can transform a lyric but, in this case, even a killer melody probably wouldn't negate the need for a substantial re-write.











The preceding quotes are, in my opinion, examples of a problem that affects this song, in general. With a few notable exceptions, it just isn't phrased in a natural, conversational, or elegant manner. As I stated in another post to Harriet, I believe those qualities are essential for any lyric to be competitive in today's music industry.

The lyrical bar is set very high in country music and publishers/artists are being pitched songs with incredibly well crafted lyrics on a daily basis.

I would challenge anyone reading this who is not a member of SongU to join just so you can review the audio transcripts of a monthly feature they do called "What's Cole Pitching?"

Cole Wright is an independent publisher/songplugger who pitches songs from some of the top writers in Nashville. In his monthly audio chat, he plays songs that he's currently pitching.

Give Cole a listen and you will be blown away by how good these songs are. These writers are sooo talented lyrically and have set the bar so high, you literally have to take your lyrical game to a whole new level just to be remotely competitive.

I'd also recommend analyzing the lyrics for "Smoke Rings In The Dark" and "When I Get Where I'm Going," written by Rivers Rutheford. Both of those songs are the epitome of natural, conversational, and elegant.

Check out Cole's pitches and River's songs. Transcribe the lyrics, turn off the music, and then read them out loud. If you still believe that "The Dark Side Of My Heart" is just a few details from being pitchable - well, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Greg, I do think "The Dark Side Of My Heart" is a good first effort. You've done a great job of nailing the mindset of an addict in an original way.

Please take my opinion in the spirit that it's offered. As a sincere attempt to be honest and helpful.

Phil C.

Great critique Harriet!!! I’m still looking at all you have said and how I critiqued this lyric so I don’t miss anything while comparing the two. Yes I am very analytical about what I write and how I try and help others. I try to see every angle and every possible way to conceive the story. I will often see things in a very different manor than others because of this. It doesn’t mean either one is right or wrong, just another way to look at it.

When I first read this lyric I immediately started remembering all the times, that I could remember, in my youth when I had been drinking. The people I loved and hurt, their reactions and my own actions. I actually studied this lyric for quite a while and made my critique as objectively as I could. I saw this lyric as if looking through my own drunken eyes. Then I started asking myself does this portray the kind of regrets and behavior that would be common based on my own experience of being in this state of mind? I also was looking at this from the viewpoint of a co-writer asked to write a musical score with melody for this lyric and the challenges this lyric would create. The lyric being such a strong one meant the musical score had to be just as strong or stronger. I felt that the dynamics and accents had to be in sync with the lyric so as not to degrade the lyric. I asked myself what would I change to accomplish this. Whether this is the right approach or not I do not know so correct me if I am way off in left field here. I want to learn the correct ways so not to repeatedly make the same mistakes.

I interpreted the first two lines of verse 1 as the “hesitation and doubt swimming in your eyes”, was due to the characters intoxication and blurred senses. I see now how it could be her uncertainty and crying. Although when this happened to me there were no tears or hesitation, just hatred and anger on her part. She was feed up with the whole mess and saw no other way.

The one thing I was unsure of in this lyric was v.3. I wasn’t sure if Gregg had intentionally seemed to veer away from the theme of the first two verses or if it was just my interpretations of this verse:

November’s moon is much too bright,
I swear I wish that I could turn it off.
Then you wouldn’t see this sorry sight
And wonder how I ever got so lost.

My first impression of this verse was that Gregg may have been trying to depict an underlying sentiment of how an alcoholic or an addicts mind and actions have a tendency to wander. The “I swear I wish that I could turn it off” line, though ingenious, presents a musical challenge I don’t see how it would work. When I count (beats, I don’t count syllables) for this line there seems to be an extra beat in the count. Could you explain this further? I know what I would do here but that might be the wrong thing to do. The verse also seemed to be disconnected from v.4 to me and takes away from the story as it is placed. Can you explain how these work together to strengthen the story overall?

Best Regards,

Teddie Cochran
www.teddiecochran-music.com

Well, heck Phil, we're in agreement---we do disagree on the song<G>.
As to the critiques, I was comparing them to the critiques on the JPF lyric boards in general. A lot of the ones here were way more detailed and in depth than you see there. Mine may have been a little more detailed than I usually do, unless I truly can't find much to nit or the song is just out of my territory.
As to critiques in general, you're dead right. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion. Heck, I've had songs critiqued by at least a half dozen professional critiquers and they even often, or at least sometimes don't agree.
In general, as far as Harriet's critiques go , she can speak for herself of course, but I don't know how much of her time we can expect her to put in on answering questions about her critique for free, since she does offer online critiques for a fee, but if she doesn't mind why, I sure don't.<G>
Carry on
Wy

Sorry I'm in so late this time...

I don't particularly cotton to the song, I don't like people who know they have a serious problem and think it excuses their bad behavior. So the 2nd verse lost any smpathy from me, leaves me wanting to scream... LADY LEAVE HIM NOW. ... Me I'm a cheerful drunk, to busy laughing to be mean... however I do understand what he means about the deamon... when I get pissed off I reach a point where I am unable to feel. There is all this furious energy that is cold, calculating, heartless and bent on destruction... The darkside of my heart is a excellent way of describing it... I don't like going there... It's a lonely place.

The rest of the story is not bad, cept the bridge and chorus again... losing my sympaty because he knows he has a problem.

I struggled to meter some of the lines. Line four verse one is the worst.

Finaly in the chorus,... To many darks for me

The dark side of my heart
Leaves you crying in the dark.
Oh heaven help the dark side of my heart.

It is a difficult subject and to improve on it for my 2c I think you need to make the singer come over as not trying to excuse his way out of it.

As I said sorry I'm late I'll try and get in a bit quicker.

Cheers

Noel

PS I count "silly bulls" because I got too left feet and neither can keep time

I wrote and demoed one last night and, reading the "maybe Graham may"suggestion, and having woke up with the thought of editing the backing of my song, went and did that, and then, before seeing how it sounded, I opened record in audacity, then reading from this page, sung this lyic as Jammer was composing, and have pasted the resulting sing, warts and all, in my private listening room on SongRamp.
The link is: http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewprivtrack.php?trackid=49601
Like I say. Warts and all as watching a peak light because i couldn't se either the jammer backing leadsheet or the wav pattern in Audacity becaus the lyric here was taking all the screen, I went to go into the section after the 4 bar break in the break, so that flum is still in there.
Good enough for purposes of example.
It is a slow blues in E minor, and basically the same eight bar turnarounds all through, but with beat and mood variations twix each part.
It, done as i did it, has no chorus, or repeats and runs aboyt 3.75 minutes from memory.
Doing it, the thought occured to me, this lyric would work very well as a sing of somebody telling somebody else why they had to go.
I've seen the dark side of your heart sort of thing.
Anyway, and whatever. It does sing. I only dropped the tyhat word which wasn't needed and mit is a word i go into auto delete of most times.
Most written word editors do believe me.
That is the most overused word in the Entglish language.
If you want to download a copy for your records and ato use as a referance Greg, let me know and i will give you the password to allow you to do so.
The more I look at it, the more I se a good potential for this lyric.
And given a bit of pedal steel etc, it could end up good country blues in the way Crazy did.
Graham

Wow! I'm glad to see this pro critique thing maturing. Brian, you're a genius. Reading these posts is a fantastic education in and of itself. Thanks to everyone.

Had an idea lying awake in bed last night....May not be doable, but if there is a way to withhold crits, until last call, then post them all at once, the variations will likely be more striking. Redundancy will be kept at a minimum. Moreover, each crit will require the poster to dig deeper to express his/her views. I don't mean this as an indictment against anyone, but I rarely read the crits before I post mine, as I KNOW that the early ones, especially if done by a respected writer/critter, can influence the later ones.
Further, I don't think anyone should be allowed to come in with crits P.H. (post Harriett)who didn't crit B H (before H. ) It is way too easy to proclaim what you WOULD have said, if only you'd had the time, after the hay is already in the barn. This would completely eliminate anyone's "going with the flow" to come out "smelling like a rose."
It would be "veeeeeeely in-ter-est-ing to see how many critiques popped up at the end of the day. Only Brian would know in advance.
Just thoughts....not meant for controversy.
Ben

I don't se any need to fix something that isn't broken, and as I don't see any problem with this thread how it is going, I believe that thought applies here.
Fact is. I think your ask should have been somewhere else other than on a song pick post Ben, as it has nothing to do with the actual post, and is in fact a distraction from the real thing.
Graham

Is that a fact, PAL? Perhaps you can explain what the devil your "warts and all", with a link to your site, has to do with the price of tea in China? At least mine is pertinent to the overall process here. Who said it was "broke?" I merely offered a harmless suggestion to be tried or discarded.
I noticed your "critiques" had almost nothing to do with the lyric itself, other than how it should be sung.
Distraction? You gotta be kidding me. Didn't mean to throw off your concentration there, fellow!
Ben F

Now, now, you two. <G>
Wy

Yep, agreed Graham.

It works just fine the way it is. We're here to focus on this particular post/song. Maybe a comment on another thread ?

And if you neeed to "get it right" then you just don't get it.

I haven't commented on this particulat lyric because I'm not a lyricist, but have found all the comments posted, in the main, insitefull.

cheers, niteshift

Oh, yeah, NS?
Then maybe you'd like to tell your Aussie mate to stop using it as a forum to hawk his stuff, EH?!

He is merely providing insight in a musical direction. Take it or leave it.

Time to take a chill pill.

cheers, niteshift