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Bayside
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/19/26 10:48 PM
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Hi Tricia,
A couple of things confused me a bit here. What are those wrought iron gates about? Did she live in a mansion, which had gates, and she snuck out to see him? Some clarification there would be great.
Also...."eyes that snapped like castanets." Eyes don't make noise when they open and shut, so this image doesn't work too well for me. If I were to forget about the noise that castanets make, and focus on their quickness...then it seems that the woman is angry, which doesn't seem to fit the mood of the piece.
I visited Ensanada a few months ago, as a stop on a cruiseline. Things went awry, so I was able to enjoy the city for only 25 minutes!
Lisa
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
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Hey Tricia,
Love your hook. Well written. Actually I'd heard of
Ensenada so the wrought iron gates and old Mexico fit all right. Course I've got a nit . I didn't get through the whole thread, but didn't see anyone mention it, so might just be me, but "commercially", the "Sweeter than wine" thing
has been done a whole lot. OK,I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'
Well, these aren't necessarily lines and probably won't fit the meter, but just thoughts
Once upon a summer's eve
There was a girl who smiled at me
Her kisses free and angel sweet
Got a good thing goin' though
Wy
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Joined: Jul 2003
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OP
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Howdy, Lisa and Wy. I thank you so much for the suggestions. I love Judy's fix on that wine line.
Wy, I like the once upon a summer's eve but I just can't get past that feminine hygiene commercial enough to say that cause I really did think about saying the same thing as you suggested.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
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Hi again,
Never thought about the commercial till you mentioned it and then I remembered it.
Actually I tried to think of a word to stick in front of wine, but couldn't find one that seemed to fit, but that Judy did it. Makes it work for me
Wy
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Hey, Wy. I love Judy's line. I just got finished writing a 600 word piece that might be used. I got an invite to be a "guest" columnist where I grew up. Guess I'll know if it's going to be used next week. I was flabbergasted when I got home and read that email.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,192
Top 100 Poster
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Congratulations Tricia!
Way to go!
Vanessa
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 1,441
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Howdy Ms. Tricia! Pretty cool music you've got for this one. Wish I'da thought of it!  Dunno what to suggest about the wine line... Lips like Mexican wine?
Lips like cinammon wine? (yeah, there's prolly no such thing but it kinda makes ya think don't it? Besides, strawberry's been overdone too...) Nice one! Uncle Chuck
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,037 Likes: 1
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Good Morning Tricia -
Gosh.. I haven't had much time to spend on lyrics these days..
Enjoyed this read... very simple with a lovely feel.
I wonder if "her kisses tasted SWEET AT WINE" might flow better ..
Other than that... nice write!
Joanne
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 8,318
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"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 8,318
Top 20 Poster
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OP
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Hi, Joanne! Nice to see you out and about these days.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 8,318
Top 20 Poster
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OP
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Uncle Chuck, I'm emailing you something. You're so sweet. I don't think they have cinnamon wine but there is cinnamon ice cream. How bout this: Her kisses were creamy as cinnamon ice cream Nah, that doesn't meter well. Oh, well. I think I'll just steal Judy's line and be done with it.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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