JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Lovin' In The Pines

Country alt rock (what the heck is ALT {I know alternative, but
to what? Rock?} or upbeat anyway...
I don't care much for the "did it". Ideas welcome (well, on anything,
for that matter!)

Lovin' In The Pines
COPYRIGHT AUGUST 12, 2006 Ben Burton

V1
My funds are low, and gas is high
Don't need much though, my ride's a bike
My long hair's whuppin' as I fly
Ain't met a helmet law I like
V2
It's been too long, so many miles
Since I've been with that girl of mine
But purty soon we'll have a smile
As we share loving in the pines

CHORUS
Standing underneath a waterfall
In a tunnel when the engine stalled
But none of that has ever felt as fine
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines
V3
A vacant cabin in the woods
In Arkansas next to a lake
We ain't sure why, but man it's good
When we make love, those pine trees shake

On the infield at a NASCAR race
After midnight out on second base
But none of that has ever felt as fine
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines
BRIDGE
I found this place, by chance one afternoon
Tried a shortcut, shoulda gone the way I knew
A pine cone fell and hit my head, a little voice inside me said
With my old lady here, I know just what we'd do

In a nightclub when the lights were low
New Year's Eve ankle deep in snow
But none of that has ever felt as fine
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines
TAG
That's the place that really blows our minds
Lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines
FADE



[This message has been edited by Ben F (edited 09-17-2006).]

Ah..the Fresh Scent of Pine Needles &..Um..Yeah....!

Sug "REACH the cabin up ahead"

& "Did it (Delete-"on a") New Year's Eve ankle-deep in snow"

"KUDOS" for a Fun One...(Impressive Laundry-List the Singer's Got there!~)

Good Luck with a Good'n', Amigo!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hiya,
like he said... heckuva laundry list! whoo.
A bit too "risque" for my taste, but there'll be an audience for it.

..The first few lines I wondered if he was stopping by himself in the pines (sorry...uh). Oh! There IS a girl... so he'll only get arrested for not wearing a helmet--

Maybe instead of the scary helmet line (again sorry, I wrecked on a bike 20 yrs ago, I can't go there!) you could refer to his biker babe in back? just a thought!

You said you're not fond of "did it," you could try "we done it" or "done it." Or leave it out. It's obvious from context.

The meter's just a tad rough in spots. "In Arkansas next to the lake" could be "by the lake," and sing easier. Look for that kind of thing.

Hope that's useful in some way.


------------------
====================
Linda Adams
http://www.alyssastory.com

[This message has been edited by adamszoo (edited 09-13-2006).]

Ben F:
I liked it a lot. I really can't anything wrong other than what Stan did.
I don't really know what you'd replace "did it", with that fit the rhythm and make sense.

Borderlord/BL/Robert/Bob

Morning Stan,
You got some sort of plug-in device....or do you just run on batteries??? You bid adieu along about 12:45, but then I see where you were still posting at 3 AM! Send me some o' that, would ya? (Not the insomnia...got plenty of that, it's the functionality I'm referring to).
I reckon "reach" might be a tad better, as it puts him AT the cabin before the last line.
And "on a" was what metered in my head, but I see I can hold the note on 'Eve" and eliminate those.
So, I thank you for your wee hours trip to Pineyland and your kind words!
Ben

Hey there,
"A bit too "risque" for my taste"

I'm right with you. Mine too!!

"there'll be an audience for it"
THAT'S what I'm shooting for. (hopefully, without corrupting!)

"Done it" makes me cringe. Shocked how many people still say "I seen" or "I done" (including a few of my own kin!)

I guess the meter thing is often how you read/sing it. In my READING (I have no music), I find I need the extra syllable in "next to".
I figure the target group for this would prefer the "rebel without a helmut". (BIG rebel, no helmet!) Sorry about the accident. I don't have to worry about the helmet, since I ain't riding a bike (MOTORBIKE, I do tool around on my peddler...uh-oh! Yep, without a helmet...must be a rebel, at that!) in the first place.
Thank you, ma'am.
Ben

Hey, BL
I'm glad this meets with your approval. I recall the Beatles had one called, "Why Don't We DO IT In The Road" close to 40 years ago! Maybe it isn't as overly graphic as I thought.....
I appreciate it.
Ben

Hi Ben,

Nicely written. Meter seems worked out.

If I GROPED for a nit it would be that instead of finding something in "the pines" imagery to sing about, your song is about how all the other lovemaking exploits of the singer don't measure up to the pines, without going into the "why" of why that's so:

"We ain't sure why, but man it's good"

This kinda gets you of the hook

Although looking at your bridge:

"It's a mighty bumpy trail
Better take it slow
There's the cabin up ahead
And away we go"

You COULD if you wanted make the bridge answer to "why"...

as it is your bridge that is the weakest link in your song, imo. Seems to be "padding"...not really saying anything new.

Go find a pine cone and fondle it, smell it, ask it what it's about--maybe it'll whisper a killer bridge to you!

Best wishes,
Mike


[This message has been edited by closemike (edited 09-13-2006).]

I agree with Mike you could use the bridge to explain "why" you love lovin' in the pines!

This is a cute one!

Maybe the pine needles add that something extra if you're in to pain...(ugh) Or the deer stop and watch...or dodging the falling pine cones adds flavor...oh gosh..maybe I should shut up!

------------------
Rebecca

------------------------
Relating to the rewriting of lyrics --"Son, it ain't done until its cut--and then it ain't DONE 'til its a hit"
------------------

Hi Ben,

Why not change your verse below:
V1
My funds are low, and gas is high
Don't need much though, my ride's a bike

To:
My funds are low, and gas is high,
Don't need much though, my bike's my ride.

Rhymes and sounds better to me.

Also, change "did it" to "made love". "Did it" sounds cheap.

Best,
Lynn

Hi Mike,
Reason why it's so good in a cabin that doesn't belong to you in the pines? Geepskers, I dunno.....Have to think on it. I just thought after allI described, the listener would be ready for that big boy to dismount and get busy! I'll think on that one.
Thanks much.
Ben

Hey, Becky
Sounds like you've actually been to these very same pines!!! Wow, I don't know how I'd work those things in without having a very lengthy bridge...I didn't even have a bridge until I was posting. Decided to throw a short one on here. Was counting on the repeating harmonies of the chorus to carry the song....
Thank you, ma'am.
Ben

Hey Lynn,
I wasn't going for a rhyme there (though the entire 1st verse is near rhyme). It's an a-b-a-b scheme in the verses.
Well, gee, make love was the obvious. That's what I'm trying to sub for. "Make love" doesn't skittle across the tongue easily enough here, IMO. I've come up with more options, but think they're worse than "did it".
Thank you, Lynn.
Ben

Hi Ben,
I like it. Good lyrics and some good tips for locations!
'In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia on the trail of the lonesome pine'.......
Philip.

Ben, my friend,

you can always leave "did it" out and say

"standing underneith a waterfall
and in a tunnel when the engine stalled
But none of that has ever felt as fine
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines"

OOOORRRR....
you could make silly noises instead of saying did it. follow me here... the sound of a creaking bed,a slapping headboard, or a moaning woman, sloshing waterbed, could say it for you. you could sound check around town, go over to vanderbuilt college and ask some sophomores to describe how they fake an orgasm for their men, and record it, take it home and break it up into two syllable sound bytes and decide which one you like best, the college girls are usually more than willing to do crazy stuff like that just for the thrill, and the attention... just an idea. you know me ess-ay i'm loco... muchos loco...

take care-

steve

------------------
he who laughs last doesn't get the joke,

-asian proverb

Fun little romp in the hay, I mean pines, Ben.

Brought a smile to my face and reminded me of some place where I did it in the ....

Nuf Said.

Douglas

Howdy Ben,

Add me to the pile suggesting you drop "did it" entirely. You really don't need it because people will understand that from the context. Saying "did it" is one of those things where it is just too much of a direct hit when subtlety would provide a much better image.
CHORUS
Standing underneath a waterfall
In a tunnel when the engine stalled
None of that has ever felt as fine
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines

Also:
Ain't met a helMET law I like...
NOT sure why, but man it's good...
WE LOVE MAKIN' those pine trees shake...

One other spot that bothered me was the last line of V2...the "I'll get some" part sounds so testo-tacky. Perhaps consider:
V2
It's been too long, so many miles
Since I've been with that girl of mine
BUT I KNOW HOW TO MAKE HER SMILE
WHEN WE'RE loving in the pines...or
CAUSE WE'LL BE lovin' in the pines

Also...think I'd focus more attention on that bridge. It looks like mostly filler now...specially the "away we go".

That's all the suggestions for this one. JMO of course...keep or sweep.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Philip,
Just oughta remember...better if you have lookouts posted...well, SAFER anyway!
Thanks.
Ben

Hey Steve,
I don't know why I diodn't think of that. Leave it OUT!!! I think I'll do just that.
Thanks, bubba!
Ben

Aw, you're surely not gunna leave me in suspense, Dougie!! Lemme guess. Hmmmm. Canadian, that's a BIG hint! Got it. Under a water fall when, suddenly, you see a grizzly browsing no more than 30 yards away. She hollers, "COME" and you yell, "RUN!".
Thank you, man.
Ben

Hey Bobbie,
I like your suggestions. I'll use them all, in whole or in part. Very good. I appreciate it!
Thank you, ma'am.
Ben

Hi Ben
I do love that all the innovative ideas for lovemaking that don't compare to doing in the pines. The singer has a nice romantic appeal this way. Nice spin on that.

Sooo, I had been thinking on alternatives for the "did it" thing, and now I see you gone and done changed it. So I'll comment on what you have here now. The changes do not really help the chorus IMO so I'll just put this up for you to think about

CHORUS
We love lovin' in the pines
And nothing has ever felt as fine, not
Standing underneath a waterfall
Nor, in a tunnel when the engine stalled
As lovin' in the pines
We love lovin' in the pines

Then for the bridge I'm now wondering why 'shouda'? aren't you sure? and the 'we'd'? 'not we'll' we will??? and I also hate the term 'old' lady why not 'fine lady'???

BRIDGE
I found this place, by chance one afternoon
Tried a shortcut, shoulda gone the way I knew
A pine cone fell and hit my head, a little voice inside me said
With my old lady here, I know just what we'd do

Just my spin jm Best of luk with this. Definitely has possibilities.

This one smokes Ben!

country alt rock?
yeah...I'm never quite sure what alt means..
different things for different songs, I think

I'm hearing this more like bluesgrass
Man I miss Pine trees!
(and fir trees.... and cedar...)
Mostly what's in my area are these scrawny post oak trees.... barely big enough to hide a rabbit! I NEED a forest!!!!!!

I see the "did it" has been removed...
not positive where it was...but it sure doesn't appear to be missed.
Doesn't seem all that risque by today's standards... heck.. even I could sing it except ... except...I haven't seen my Lady in....well.... ever! LOL

So where's the music?


------------------
Harriet
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=24419

http:cdbaby.com/cd/ames

I'm waiting for the follow up to this

"Needles Up My Butt"

Nothing like some loving under open skies
Staring at the moon through the tall straight pines
Say you know what, these needles up my butt
Are telling me we should be back inside

GOOD GRIEF,
I just came back to copy this so I can get it shaped up for a female vocal and see I didn't even respond to the last 3 crits. Real sorry guys. HATE when that happens....

JM
AHA! Now, I'm just wondering if you'll be as passionate now that I'm changing it to the female perspective.....is old MAN gonna sound as harsh? (JUST FUNNING, JM!)
I'm kinda surprised you don't get "shoulda". Man, I've done that at leat a dozen times in my life....tried a shorter and/or quicker way, gotten lost, and said, "Dang it! I shoulda gone the way I knew!" Is that a southern thing?
Thanks, JM.
Ben

Hey Harriet,
Sounds like you need a country nature break. Well, the music won't be in my hands now, so whatever she comes up with will be fitting, I'm sure.
Thanks alot for the compliment!
Ben

Jumpin' Jehosafat, John
I figured you'd have posted a song on that by now. Could be a belly (or BUTT ) buster.
Ben

Another very creative lyric Ben
catchy hook, and yeah little risque,
but there's a market for them, lot of mine r just that,
Big Hugs

Thanks, Jody
As stated earlier, this MIGHT turn out as a chick singing, although I haven't heard from said chick in a few days, so.....
Thanks, eagle.
Ben