JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 You Were There

Perhaps most won't be able to relate to this one...but this happened to me just this past week. As I was telling my friend for whom I wrote the last song about this incident, I could tell that a new lyric was ready to bubble up. Good thing I have a lenient boss who lets me work late to make up for these occasional creative moments during the day.

Any thoughts or suggestions about how to improve this will be appreciated.
Bobbie

You Were There
© 2004 Bobbie Gallup ASCAP

One of those Monday mornings
Raining like a shower massage
Traffic seething at a standstill…
Trucker lost his load of logs

Urgent errand in the city
Can’t find parking in this mess
Forgot my umbrella and got soaked
Ruined my new suede dress

Elevator took forever
Hardly noticed who got off
Hurried inside and pushed the button
And my heart felt like it stopped

CHORUS:
Cause you were there
In that moment
In that tiny enclosed space
You were there
In the fragrance
That softly touched my face
You were there

I wanted to tell that stranger
How much that moment meant
But I knew I’d never find him
Didn’t know which way he went

But back down in the lobby
I saw him standing there
He prob’ly wondered why I smiled
But I really did not care

CHORUS:
Cause you were there
In the moment
As that elevator rose
You were there
In the fragrance
Of your favorite cologne
You were there

BRIDGE:
It was just one small reminder
That your love is still with me
In unexpected moments
Come the sweetest memories

CHORUS:
Cause you were there
In the moment
As that elevator rose
You were there
In the fragrance
Of your favorite cologne
You were there

You were there...echoing to a fade


[This message has been edited by Bobbie Gallup (edited 10-29-2004).]

OMG!!!!!!
can't say any more for the moment... except that I CAN relate!
I'm sure others will too

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Harriet
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/9/harrietamesmusic.htm

Hi Bobbie,

Very poignant, very real!

A chorus option, but it's fine the way it is:

CHORUS:
Cause you were there
In that moment
In that "isolated" space
You were there
In the fragrance
That "tenderly" touched my face
You were there

(or brushed my face?)

I'd start the next verse:
I wanted to tell *A* stranger . . .

and in those two verses 3 & 4
make that definitive stranger less important, or eliminate any "specific" stranger altogether. . . so as not to distract, because the intensity of the 1st chorus takes the story to a new level.

Make sense?

So verses 3 & 4 material
would start with something like:

I wanted to tell any stranger. . .
How much that moment meant
How precious was his love
How missed the time we spent

And the next verse (4) . . .continuing to defining the "you" of "you were there",
to make the next chorus run even more
effective than the first.


Terry

Hi Bobbie

this is kicking!!!

agree with TT, stranger not necessary

Bobbie,
How about , in the fade: For a light'ning-daydream moment ; you were there...
Pete, Yup, been there

I give this the two thumbs up. There are certain smells and certain songs I associate with certain special people so I can very much relate. Well done, Ms. Bobbie.

------------------
"Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars." -- Les Brown
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/triciabakermusic.htm

Hi, Bobbie,

I love the simplicity here.."Cause you were there in that moment.."

wow..this one left me...speechless.
It's perfect.

Great work, Bobbie!

Emily

P.S. HAve a safe trip to L.A.!

Bobbie,

What a nice lyric! I like TT's suggestion for "isolated". But, I like everything else as is. In our personal emails I told you of my loss back in '85. So I can very much relate to this.

You do have a way with the emotions. This one made me think back a few years and appreciate some forgotten moments. Thanks for the nice memories.

Alan

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If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

Howdy Mz Harriet,

I am so glad I am not the only person who has had this kind of an experience...and that this one touched you. Thanks so much for taking time to check it out!!

See you soon!!
Hugs,
Bobbie

Howdy Tall One!

As always, you offer some excellent ideas for this! I like the isolated thing a lot. Don't think I want to eliminate the specific stranger because he was the reason for that moment. Losing that loses part of the impact IMO. I really DID want to tell him specifically what he had done for me but as I said he had just gotten off the elevator and I was already going up. I never expected to actually see him again so it was sort of a shock when I came back down to the lobby level to see him standing there. When the moment came where I COULD have told him what happened, I lost my nerve and simply smiled instead...but he was and is important to the story. I would not have felt compelled to simply tell anyone what had happened. They would have thought I was simply nuts. With him, however, I could have simply said...Excuse me...but your cologne brought back some very happy memories for me. I just had to tell you. My husband...etc. Or some other phrasing...just to let him know that he had made someone happy regardless of what he thought. Does that make sense to you?

When I was talking with Shirley about this...she told me of a similar incident, where she was driving along a country road, in a hurry to get to her next meeting when she suddenly came up behind a pickup truck going quite slowly. She started to get a bit irritated...when the driver suddenly opened up the window and pointed out into the field...at a big flock of wild turkeys (which are extremely secretive...and rarely seen). She said she was simply stuck in that moment because it was the sort of thing that her husband did all the time. She said when the truck turned off the road, she nearly drove after him to tell him how much that meant to her and give him a hug...but thought better of it. I think the fact that these moments are triggered by total strangess is a vital part of the story.

This isn't all that deep a message song. It is just supposed to be a simple lyric about the power of the moment and simple things to bring back very specific memories. I hope that by not going into anymore detail about what happened to the "you" in the lyric may keep it more universally relevant.

Will see what others think...and I DO appreciate the suggestions. You know that!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Howdy Ritt,

Sure appreciate the thumbs up on this!! Means so much to me! I went into quite a bit of explanation regarding my POV on the stranger in my response to The Tall One so I won't repeat that here. Just know that I do appreciate the read and insights...always!!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Pete,

That is a good idea for that fade. I will sure keep that idea for the possibilities file. Thanks again!! Means so much that folks like the idea here. I wondered if anyone else would think this had any relevance to others.

Ciao,
Bobbie

Wow. This is so powerful in its simplicity. Really hit me down inside, though I honestly can't say I've had a similar situation... but I feel like I have now.

CP

Hi Bobbie,

Stupid me!
I didn't even make the cologne connection
in the elevator ! !

I thought that the scent had just come as part of the flashback, triggered by the elevator perhaps or the simple fact that the memories would be recurring even with next to no external stimuli.

Very sorry.

That said, maybe there are others out there as slow as I that need a more obvious connection to that elevator man.

A Pre-chorus could serve to that end.

I didn't know there was only one other person on the elevator either.
When I said that "any stranger " part, I was thinking of you being so moved that that you just desperately needed to share
and any good-natured soul would do.

<sigh> Gotta get out of this review racket!

Love T

[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 10-30-2004).]

Hi Bobbie

cool explanation, but leaves me wondering if the, back down the lobby, which ends with i really did not care, kinda feels out of place as compared with his significance in other parts of this song....so i was thinking

he was just an innocent bystander
guilty of nothing more
than carrying the soul
of the man i adored

Howdy Mz Tricia,

I will gladly accept two thumbs up anytime. I wasn't sure how many others might be able to relate to this one...so am very pleased to hear from folks who have. Thank you my dear!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hello Mz Emily,

I was hoping to keep this one very simple, especially in the chorus...to leave room for a strong melody there. "Speechless" works for me!! Thank you SO much for taking time to check this out and share your reactions. Means so much!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Howdy Alan,

Yes, I do remember our earlier exchange..and I knew this might touch you in a kind way. When one has good memories to recall, I am hoping this will precipitate pleasure not sadness. I left the identity vague so that others might relate whether their absent loved one is a spouse, parent, or even a child (although I realize children rarely wear cologne). This is really about the power of specific things to trigger memories. The lyric was, for me, an exercise in showing rather than saying that. I hope it works.

Thanks so much for the kind comments.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Corey,

Wow...thank you so much. I wondered if people who had never experienced this would understand or relate at all to this lyric. I am so glad it touched you in the way it was intended. Appreciate you letting me know. Thanks so much!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Howdy my dear tall bud,

Don't you DARE stop commenting on my stuff!!! If the connection to the stranger didn't come through it isn't your fault for not making the connection..it means I didn't do my job as well as I should have. In retrospect, the line I had in that verse before I changed it was:
Handsome gentleman got off.
I changed it to 'Hardly noticed who got off', hoping folks would make the connection. Obviously some did...some didn't but I take responsibility for that. Perhaps I need to go back and retrieve that earlier line to clarify that issue...if that makes it clearer.

Thus...your thoughts were/are extremely important to helping me spot weaknesses and opportunties for improvement! Thank you my dear.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Ritt,

Another good suggestion but the guy was only guilty of wearing the same cologne. Not sure I want to go the "soul" route but will sure ponder on that some more. I may think some more on that last line of the verse you are talking about him wondering why I smiled...although I am thinking that is a significant element here. Keep these ideas coming, kind sir!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hey Bobbie,

I love how you took a moment in time and captured it perfectly. Very creative writing. Good job!

Wes

Howdy Wes,

Welcome to JPF! Thank you for taking the time to drop by and check out my lyric and share your thoughts. Hope you will hang around this place awhile and post some of your work. Lotta good folks here who genuinely love to help others get their lyrics in the best shape possible. I've learned a lot here and still have a long ways to go.

Are you related to the famous rodeo rider Casey Tibbets? Or maybe that was Casey Tibbs...I think it was Tibbs now that I wrote that down. Anyway...we have quite a few Texans round this place.

Thanks again!

Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,

You are so kind to me, how can I stay away!

Elevator took forever
A good-lookin' gent stepped off
I hurried on in, pressed number ten
Then I thought my heart would stop.

Option:
One lone rider stepped off


T

Howdy Tall One,

Either of those would work, although I think the lone rider flows better. I'm also considering:
Grey-haired gentleman got off
(lotta g's in that line. )

Keep them comin' kiddo!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi B.G..........

I think this is so smoothly done......
beautiful...and flowing......

the only spot i stop on...is getting tongue
tied on "seething"....but have the feeling that might just be me...tripping....

Everything is connected so well....and
can relate to this......

Best to ya......
and have a wonderful time next week.....
KK

Oh Mz Kaley I have been worried about you. Nobody had heard from you in so long I was quite concerned...so I am delighted to see you back around here. Hope you just got busy. That word "seething" might be a tough one to sing..will consider some other options. It was a word I had changed from the original, but I don't even remember what that was. I don't have any trouble singing seething but it might not be a word some folks are familiar with...so I may need to rethink it.

Thanks so much for dropping in to check this out. I will try to have a good time in LA, but you know that with Mz Harriet there, I can't get in TOO much trouble!! hee hee hee Wish you were going along!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

HiDee NashvilLady!

"You were there/in HIS fragrance"

That'd clear up the potential Confusion early-on, since I was a bit Off in What's Goin' On Here my first read-through.

K-O-S, & "KUDOS" for a Powerfully "Connecting" Song...Olfactory Imagery is one of the Strongest Ways to Subconsciously-Connect, & you've done so Quite Well here, overall!

BPH
Stan

Hi Bobbie,

Time to leave the elevator behind.

OUT CHORUS:

Cause you were there
In the moment
Just we two alone
There In the fragrance
Of your favorite cologne
You were there


Terry

Just about perfect, Bobbie. Simplicity can leave a huge impression, if painted just right. Your storyline does just that. Some minor stuff to think about....

"shower massage" - would anyone really say that? or is the writer showing through here?
"seething" - in keeping with the simplicity of the song, wouldn't simply "moving" work better? (IMO, too clever words or phrases might startle your listeners and draw them away from your story)
you make a tense change halfway through the second verse, past to present with the word "can't" (some might say the "ing"s in verse 1 are present tense, but they're not...you just dropped the implied "was")
"in the fragrance that softly touched my face" - hmmm. we can't actually feel fragrance touching our faces, so that doesn't ring true. I'd be more tempted with the idea of the fragrance making your heart race, and run with something along that rhyme

Except for the tense slip and those 3 writer intrusions (as I call them), this is a great little heart-tugger. And deserves some music!

Hi Bobbie
What a beautiful moment...thank you for sharing with us through your wonderful lyric.
Great job.



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Michelle
www.michellerichardsmusic.com
"Northern Girl With A Country Heart"

Howdy Tampa,

I will sure consider that...just not sure how many folks will be concerned about it after they listen to this more than once ...or if it really matters how the fragrance is interpreted as long as they get the gist of what is going on. I agree witcha on the sense of smell thing. It is an extremely underrated connector IMO. Thanks for the almost KUDOS. I'll take 'em anytime.

BPH,
Bobbie

Howdy Tall One,

That is a good idea for that last chorus. I may just "borrow" that one. Thanks SOOO much!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Michael,

You could well be right about those writer intrusions...because I, for one, DO use the shower massage description fairly often when describing a heavy duty pouring rain. If it makes someone stop and think, I don't necessarily feel that is a bad thing. Same with seething. The traffic wasn't moving at all...so the term was actually referring to the fact that the drivers were probably seething inside their cars at the holdup. Might switch that one to something else, however if that specific word is hard to sing. I like the occasional sibilance of a couple of "s" words in a line. LOL Could just be me...since I am not a singer..and I know they usually DON'T care for sibilance.

You are right on that tense change. I switched that from COULDN'T to CAN'T at the last moment because I didn't want the extra syllable in that line. Might switch it back anyway, since a good singer can mold the prosody to fit if necessary. You are right that the whole song is supposed to be in past tense.

As for the heart race idea, I already used the heart stopped line above so not sure I want to bring that in again but will ponder on a change there.

If this ever gets that far, will see what the publisher says about those issues. I DO appreciate you weighing in on them. One of the best things about this place is the sharp eyes that won't let me get away with anything!! Sure appreciate the looksee and the suggestions.

Will I get a chance to meet you at the JPF Awards Ceremony? Sure hope so!!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

[This message has been edited by Bobbie Gallup (edited 10-31-2004).]

Hello there Michelle,

It is so great to see you back around here. Haven't seen much of you lately. Sure glad you decided to stop in and check this out. Appreciate the read and the sweet comments. Means so much.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie

I just got around to this one and I don't know how much editing you have done. The realization that the smell of the cologne brought the memory came as a nice surprise as I read the lyric. It was clear to me right away. I was wondering just where the song was going 'til I got to that part.
Only nit I have is I like a harder sound in the line
"That softly touched my face"

I would prefer "That GENTLY touched my face"

I thing it has more impact. JMHO of course.

Hugs
Bill R

------------------
www.soundclick.com/billrobinson

Bill
Live with a song in your heart

HiDee Again, NVL!

That WAS a Full-Blown "KUDOS", O Sensitive One! Still IS.

But...(heh..I hate it when those Buts butt in...dontcha?)...you DID pile in a BUNCH of Set Dressin' "Furniture" BEFORE ya got to the Olfactory Image that's kinda the Central Motivator here.

AND..IMO..the FIRST Time an Audience hears a New Song it's pretty important, tho Yeah, NOT entirely Crucial, BUT Pretty Important..that they "Get" MOST of what you're Sayin'/leadin' up to.

So..I again think "the" ain't as good a modifier as "his"...perfume. DID rethink a bit...& maybe "that" is "softer" than "his" AND ties-in with "that Stranger" next verse. So maybe "that perfume"?

"KUDOS" Again, for a Good'n'!
'Nuther BPH, too!
Stan

Howdy Bill,

Sure is great to have you checking out my lyrics these days. I haven't written much this summer or fall, so the ones that have bubbled up seem to feel more important somehow.

I haven't edited this one very much yet, so I am pleased that you like this one and that the meaning was clear. But I may just make that switch you suggested. Always appreciate the read and insights! Thanks so very much.

Hugs,
Bobbie

LOL thanks for the second Kudos, oh Tampaman!!! I'll take 'em any way I can get 'em even if I DO hafta bait ya to get ya back here again. You may well be right on the the/his thing...but I am thinking that if I switch the line I have in there about who got off the elevator to "Grey-haired gentleman got off", it may be clearer regarding who's cologne she was smelling. Hope so anyway. Will see. Will keep that thought in the pocket on this one.

Lookin' forward to LA..got some good news to share with ya.

Thanks again...and more BPH's,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,

A powerhouse song well done.
Only one thing for me...seething is a word thats doesn't come natural for me, but then again I'm just a meat cutter, a lot of our words only have 4 letters, ha !

Loved your writing.

Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm

Mornin' Calvin,

Powerhouse is a good term...I'll gladly take that one!!! Thank you! I am still thinking about that word "seething"...I know what I want it to say there but not sure it is coming across to folks...so may find another one. Will see how that goes. Have a couple of folks nibbling at doing the music for this one...will see what shakes out for it.

Thanks again...
Bobbie

Good mornin' Sheila,

Thank you so much for taking time to check this lyric out...and to let me know you enjoyed it. I'm not being quite as prolific these days as I once was...but hopefully, a good one will surface every now and then.

Appreciate the read and kind remarks!

Bobbie

This is a very nice lyric, and unique to boot. The one thing I'd suggest is cutting out the first four lines, since the lines after them set up the chorus sufficiently on their own. Less is more in this case, IMO. Great job, and good luck with this one.

Anthony


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Anthony's BeSonic site-- Open 24 hours!

Howdy Anthony,

Just when you think a lyric has finished its run...someone else reads it! ;D Thank you so much for taking time to check it out and share your suggestions for improving it. I appreciate that..and will sure consider losing that first verse when it comes music time. I want to see what happens time-wise with this..since the verse lines are short and will end up being sort of staccato sounding (to reinforce the hurried, busy scenario)...then will swell to a slower, more powerful chorus. As a result, this may move along pretty quickly so I may want to keep that first verse in there. Even though the second and third verses might well stand alone, I think the first one provides some of the reason for the feeling...so I'd like to keep it if possible.

Thanks again for the read and remarks!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Cool just way too cool!

Don't beat this up too much because it's really good the way it is...

Simply Superb!

Eric The Read!

Wake up Martha, there's a kannoook in the house!!!!

Bobbie

Anthony's suggestion is good one but for another reason.

Theye're are no hard fast rules in composition however 3 Verse's before a chorus usually sounds out of sync.Patterns work better in combinations of 2 then move on.

the 3rd stanza could have been a lift but you don't do the same thing after the 1 Chorus.
I'd seriously reconsider this.

BP

[This message has been edited by Butchybob (edited 11-08-2004).]

Bobby - Just want to jump on the bandwagon to let you know I really enjoyed this song too. I can really identify with being drawn to someone who just smells good to you. Must be a common thing. Anne