JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Song # 5..... 7/19

Continued from thread...http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/1052469/page/1#Post1052469

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12861243

Trick Me For A While

You don't know me
you pull me from the crowd
they all laugh loud
They don't believe
that you hold the power
a concrete flower

Not sure what I believe
haven't checked what's up your sleeve, but

There's a magic on the street tonight girl
every corner there's a star shone bright
it's so tragic
I can finally make a smile
work your magic
wont you trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while

You're a gypsy
they pay you by the spell
the lies you tell
my back been broke
woman, I'm weak
you kiss my cheek

The clowns all stare ashamed
they believe that I've been gamed, but

There's a magic on the street tonight girl
every corner there's a star shone bright
It's so tragic
I can finally make a smile
work your magic
wont you trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while

The wino says "good luck"
Dont need it, but here's a buck

There's a magic on the street tonight girl
every corner there's a star shone bright
it's so tragic
I can finally make a smile
work your magic
Won't you trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while
trick me for a while

i like the story here Bugsey,esp the chorus.Mike

Thanks Mike. Not really a story, I got bored with connect the dot lyrics so I went for something more aloof.

Kind of about wanting to believe something, regardless of how silly or stupid it appears to others, that's how phychics stay in business! They get your emotions.

Hey Bugsey!

Wow, this is just really unique--a good thing. Nice melody, and production. I like the lyrics, I might experiment on reducing the chorus repeat tags where--the three "tricks." I tend to like using repeats as a "building" tool.

Such as:

Won't you trick me for a while
trick me,,,,,,,,yea trick me,,, for a while (keeping the same time within the measures however).

or:

Won't you trick me for a while
Trick me-trick me, yea trick me for a while


You could also just say it once, and lose a couple of measures, or some other variation perhaps.

You could possibly do each chorus ending a little differently, then save the tags for exclusively on just the last chorus. I know that it is a very current and trendy to have "chorus driven" songs, which is true, but your end tags are more effective and dramatic if not over-done and saved for the last chorus IMO. The 1st part of your chorus is strong enough to establish that you are driving this chorus with the song anyway.

Also, how you have it is fine, and my thoughts are not meant as a "nit," rather, an alternative approach here for you to consider.

I'm impressed with the song, nice write man!

steady-eddie.

No I hear ya, I know the difference between nit nits, and nits...

I just feel like the music says what he's saying. And I think after the busier parts it release into one line which is easy for somebody to catch onto and sing along with it.

But I will keep your points stored in my mind. Thanks!

You're a gypsy
they pay you by the spell
the lies you tell
my back been broke
woman, I'm weak
you kiss my cheek


This piece of the lyric is my favorite piece,I could clearly see this scene in my head..

Thanks for the Listen man.

I so liked this one, Bugsey. Especially what I heard of interior rhymes, unique rhyming scheme, and approach to the theme.

Pam

Hi Bugsey.
There's a bit of Neil Diamond and maybe even David Bowie in that vocal.
I like the structure.
Vic

Thanks Pam, they make the lyrics more entertaining, I think anyway.

Thanks Vicarn, I get Neil Diamond comparisons once in a while, not too much Bowie, I hear Springsteen all the time, I actually thought I was channeling my inner Lou Reed!

I have a different voice for different songs. Structure, I like to tweak the standard schemes, sometimes thats just the way they come out too!

Thanks for the spin and the comments!

Interesting write - and I mean that as a compliment. - floyd

Thanks, my original idea was less interesting... lol

Hey Bugsey,

I LOVED this. The piano really drives it and your vocal is just spot on. Lyrically it is unique and so well done. What I think is so cool about this tune is that it is extremely unique. I really don't see a comparison to anything else I hear out there. I agree with Jimmy that this lyric, in particular is brilliant:

You're a gypsy
they pay you by the spell
the lies you tell
my back been broke
woman, I'm weak
you kiss my cheek

The only thing I was craving that didn't appear was a musical break of some kind. Honestly, I heard a sax solo in my head, but I think the piece really was screaming out for some instrumental break.

Wonderful stuff. Congrats.

Dave

Cool Sound Bugsey! Love the piano playing and your song is reminiscent of Bruce Springsteen. Enjoyed it, thanks for sharing!

Tom W.

Thanks Tom, I work at it.

Thank you very much gocart. (btw did u get the name Gocart Mozart from Springsteen's Blinded By The Light?)

Anyway, Its funny you say sax, I hear that as well, like a Take A Walk On The Wild Side sax.

Thanks for the great Comments.

Hey Bugsy,

Yes, I got my name from the song Blinded By The Light. Springsteen has been my musical hero for decades. I definately can see a Take a Walk on the Wild Side type sax on your tune btw.

Dave

Cool, Bugsey. Didn't realize I'd missed this one.

Bill

There's actually a band called Gocart Mozart, another is called Jukebox Graduate, yet another called Greasy Lake lol

Bugsey,

Nice song! I didn't actually hear a sax but after Dave's comment I could hear that in there for sure. I thought there was some Springsteen in there a bit.

Nice to hear one of your tunes...first time i think.

Ricky

Bill, thanks for the spin.

When Dave says somethin, people listen. LOL

Thanks for listening, Im currently writing...and recording as many as i can before September, good thing is im not running out of ideas!

Thanks all for the wonderful replies, sorry it took so long to get back to you, I been busy.!!!!

Gocart Mozart, what a cool guy and musician, and Springsteen fan.


https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=14789764

This is a banned account you once used

Nothing gets by you does it

Fdem,
this is a song you just reposted lately. Remember?
https://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1194306.html#Post1194306

The only difference is that you gave it a new title. Your new title is "Truck Me For A While" which makes no sense at all. The rest of the lyrics are the same. Is this the way you write hundreds of songs ... by just changing the title?

Rob

This is an old account he used years ago that has been banned by JPF

Steve

Right, and the song was good then, and still is

Get it now?

This is a banned account you once used

And you honestly think nobody knew who I was?

I was encouraged to come back.

And with Springsteen references everywhere , I wasn't exactly incognito

This is a banned account you once used

Great responses all , ty you for your thoughtful reviews, and I wouldn't change anything either

This is a banned account you once used

Great responses from good writers

This is a banned account you once used

Great responses, glad I could give an updated track

This is a banned account you once used

Awesome, thanks all

My work is now complete here and we'll now see what the future brings

Well perhaps you feel that way cause you donate?

Tell u what let Brian dump you, and I'll cover your donation.

....He really thinks he matters