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https://soundcloud.com/travis-david-6/ashes


A WORK TAPE ONLY WHICH WAS SUNG/PLAYED BY PADDY GARRIGAN. PADDY AND I SHARE THE MUSIC CREDITS I WROTE THE LYRIC.
THE LYRIC I THINK NEEDS TO BE TIGHTER,IS IT WORTH CONTINUING WITH IT?
THERE IS A SECOND OR TWO BREAK BEFORE THE CHORUS KICKS IN.THE BRIDGE HAS NOT YET BEEN DONE.
TRAVIS



ASHES
v
When the wind howls
keeping you awake
When your dog barks
at your creeking gate
You'll cover your head
and try to hide
afraid the boogie men
will try to get inside
v
when your phone rings
it won't be me
When the bills fall due
there'll be no we
Building a funeral pyre
of sad memories
Turning them into ASHES
then finally be free
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
There'll be no rising like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES
v
I won't be there
keeping you from harm
saying it's all right
snuggling up warm
Be on the interstate
as the engine screams
'Cause You're the woman
who turned my dreams-

INTO ASHES, ONLY ASHES
B
I'm pretty sure our beds warmed again
since I know you've been fooling with my best friend
c
The ASHES might even blow your way
from all the bridges I've burned today
They'll be no rising like the phoenix
water's too high, there's oceans between us
ASHES, ASHES, ASHES

Hi Travis & Paddy G:

"Ashes" certainly has possibilities. Listening to a work-tape is never a "level playing field" and the vocal is a bit submerged.
The good news is that is has a solid foundation and the melody fits the mood of the lyric. Grind away, guys. This could be special. Best of luck with it! ----Dave

Soundcloud stopped twice at 1:19...beats me.

I agree with David that the idea is solid. The burning/fire references throughout work for me. I like the notion of ashes from burned bridges. That freshens up the old "don't burn your bridges" saying. I'll try again to listen all the way through.

Bud

Travis,

You have a lot of good image lines in this. And overall it's a good idea to build a song around. There were a couple of things that seems to come out of the blue, so I did not quite understand their intent. "..then finally be free" was one. And the water/ocean line - did not relate to the rest of the chorus. Other than that line, the chorus is a strong idea.

The melody is working well, so far..

fj

Hi Dave
Appreciate your comments
Travis

Hi J&B
Yes the recording does stop but carries on a couple of seconds later.Thanks for your comments and listen folks.
Travis

Cheers Floyd, I appreciate you taking a listen and suggestions to.It's a work tape so changes can be made
Travis

Hello Travis,


I really like this part.....


when your phone rings
it won't be me
When the bills fall due
there'll be no we

keep plugging away.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Cheers Calvin, thanks for taking a listen
Travis

Hi Travis.
It's all been said.
A good title and the lyric is nearly there. Maybe lose a couple of clichés.

Vic

Yes there's one or two old chestnuts in there vic.It needs a rewrite I know.Thanks for taking a listen
Travis

Travis, solid foundation to work from here. For sure has possibilities and worth putting a little time into. Look forward to hearing final production!

Tom

Hey Travis,

I agree with what's been said already. I feel it's appropriately creepy so far, and the music supports it.

I look forward to hearing where you take it....

Good luck and keep at it!
Beth

Definitely worth working on and finishing up. Looking forward to hearing the end result.

Ricki

Travis,

I really like the verse melody. I think at this point, lyric tweaks will come as needed, and that you should focus on getting the melody better established with the chorus and a bridge if needed--but get the chorus first. Many times a song is fine without a bridge, and a bridge will come more naturally (musically) once you are comfortable with both the bridge & chorus melody. Some songs can get away with choruses having like or almost alike verse melodies--it sounds like that's what is starting to happen here with the early stages. I think you need to experiment with establishing a chorus melody that digresses from the verse melody because (your verse melody is strong--a good thing). You therefore need IMO to have more contrast else the chorus won't have the lift or identity needed. I'll listen a few more times tomorrow, it's late here, just to see if I feel something musically that may work--and have you and Paddy do the same.

Great starting point, nice melody for sure!

(Just came back a few minutes later--I'd launch the chorus after the resolving verse D chord with: C/////G/////D/////. I'm feeling a combination of Gordon Lightfoot meets Lynard Skynard here).............

steady-eddie.

Thank you Tom, Beth Riki and Ed for your comments help and suggestions to move this a step further, most appreciated folks.
Travis