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A substantial rewrite of an old, much longer, piece from 2009. I might have posted it then, but with another title.)

Meanwhile, I've tightened it up a bunch. It calls for FEMALE vocals. I'm thinking simple acoustic singer-sonwriter (guitar or piano), along the lines of Kimya Dawson, Regina Spektor, etc. Mid- to uptempo.

Constructive critique welcome.
Go for it!

Donna

12.09: Thanks to feedback, more tweaking.

Shiny

V1
I'm fumbling at the curtain
On a hot summer morning
I'm pretty certain
The funk that I'm in
Has gone beyond sorry
...The dead fly on my windowsill
Could write my life story

Pre-chorus
Oh hey Mr. Sun
Won't you send me someone

Chorus
I want to be shiny
All starry and bright
Glow like a beacon
In somebody’s night
…I'll drawn him into my light
I want to be shiny

V2
I'm restless at the window
On a hot summer evening
I'm here in limbo
And desperate to leave
This bleak panorama
...It's gone and got me aching for
A little love drama

Pre-chorus
Oh hey Mr. Moon
Won't you let it be soon

Chorus
I want to be shiny
All starry and bright
Glow like a beacon
In somebody’s night
…I'll draw him into my light
I want to be shiny

Bridge
I know he'll be funny, loving, and kind
His heart like a room with a breathtaking view
And I'll be at home in it, shining [color:#3366FF]like new[/color]

I know he’ll be funny, loving, and wise
A room with a view, a wide-open door
That’s who I long to be shiny for

Chorus
I want to be shiny
All starry and bright
Glow like a beacon
In somebody’s night
…I'll draw him into my light
I want to be shiny

©2015 Donna Devine

hey,i like the "fly" line but it would be hard for him to write your life story if he is dead.Maybe keep him alive.Mike

Mike, it was an intended exaggeration/irony to show how the singer was feeling about her life.

Donna

A modern feel to this one Donna.
Uptempo. Lots of twanginess.
Good lyric.

Vic

I like this one a lot, Donna. I feel the despair here.
Well done.

hey Donna,i understand what it means to be a fly on the wall and see everything going on,it's just the "dead" part kinda threw me.

I liked the fly line dead or alive lol. If nothing else is happening in her life she has a positive view of what could be with the right man, and the way she wants to feel.
As a suggestion another word for funk, hole, mess,state,woe, plight even.
It's probably me Donna I haven't a clue what funk means!
Travis

Hi Donna,

I'm liking this for the most part. Please forgive my brain this morning, it's disorganized and wants to jump around a bit.

In V1, the adjective "dead" doesn't work for me, as it sings clunky, and being dead it doesn't make sense as to how it could write, even if it was a magical or extremely talented fly, but either "..fly on my windowsill/could write.." or "..fly stuck in my windowsill/could write" are both okay--the latter has an inner rhyme "in/win," and also would seem to be more in line with the singer's sentiment of how she feels "stuck" but not dead.

The chorus works okay, but it wraps around to the title at the end, and although you give reasons that the singer longs to be shiny right above, there could be one more killer reason added below the second "I want to be shiny" that might make the chorus even stronger. I think it's because being "shiny" is such an unusual thing to want to be, in and of itself, that I want to be reminded why up to the very end. The singer wants to "glow like a beacon" and we know she's speaking metaphorically, but it also produces a pretty strong literal image, one not too different from "lit up like a Christmas tree" which has a negative (inebriation) connotation, so I'm wondering if such glowing in "somebody's night" makes it an effective metaphor there. Glowing and shiny-ness would seem to produce "warmth" as a byproduct, and that warmth could be mentioned perhaps, and would seem to be a welcome part in somebody's night. Also..how strong a shine would the singer have --would this "somebody" maybe need to wear shades? Shades in there might prove to be too much a humorous diversion, but it would certainly tell a listener that the singer was indeed pretty shiny!

V2 is pretty strong; I love "bleak panorama" and its rhyming partner. You can probably lose "almost" --how does one "almost" ache, anyway? Let the singer ache!

I like the contrast of using moon in the second pre-chorus.

So the singer has no particular man in mind, but the bridge shows that she does like a certain type, and "I know he’ll be funny, loving, and wise/A room with a view, a wide-open door" tells me that without being told so in the last line, and that might free up another thought there.

That's all I got for now!

EDIT: I never had much exposure to the concept of "shiny" used as descriptive of people until the REM song "Shiny Happy People" --and I always took that song to be about conforming and being like everyone else--but before that I had never encountered the word as referring to people.

And so although I realize it to be used here to mean a kind of self-confident ebullience, I'm one of those Neanderthals that at some gut level can't not also see/hear the literal meaning simultaneously. I guess that's why I felt okay to suggest "shades." I didn't want to pretend the literal meaning didn't exist, but felt it maybe to be a good thing, to acknowledge it in some way, in the song.

Mike

Hi,

Mike L.
and
Michael Z
are both talented guys and both my friends but....

I think I like the fly DEAD

but I think this ...The dead fly on my windowsill

and this change....

Restless at the window
On this hot summer evening
I feel I'm in limbo
And desperate FOR LEAVING
...The bleak panorama
Oh how I AM aching for
A little love drama

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

haha,let us not resurrect the fly but say "the dead fly on my windowsill,could've written my life story".

Good to see you back, Donna! There is a literary quality here, and I would guess you have read a few novels.

The dead fly on my windowsill
Could write my life story

Wow! What a thought!

Thanks so much, everyone, for your valuable input, which I appreciate and enjoyed.

And who'd have thought a simple moribund 'musca domestica' could generate so much discussion.

I've given the 'dead fly' line some thought, and have tried out a couple of alternatives (based on very reasonable suggestions), but they change the original intention.

I think I'll stick with 'dead fly on the windowsill/Could write my life story'.

I'm confident the listener will be able to stretch his/her imagination and infer the extent of the singer's emotion, and the wry, kind of comical 'colour' she's giving the metaphor in her moment of her - half-laughing-at-herself - self-pity. I think they'll get that the singer means 'if the fly were alive it would be able to write her life story', and that - even dead - the fly is still more alive than she feels she is at the moment.

Meanwhile, I've changed the bridge. Please let me know whether you think it's an improvement. See the TOP POST.

I'm still looking at a couple of other things, including an extra line in the chorus.
Stay tuned.

Travis, it's likely a North American thing, but the term 'to be in a funk' means to be in a state of deep unhappiness.

Donna
-------------------------------
BTW, just as a JOKE, folks - Here's something that sprang naughtily to mind. Couldn't resist it.

I know he'll be funny, loving, and wise
His heart like a room with a breathtaking view
And none of the windows are littered with flies

I'll wait for the re-write.

Hi Donna,

Your dead fly is pitting us all against each other!
Look at Calvin turning on the Mikes!
It's causing strife and confusion and discontent!
Could you please stay away from the political issues?!

lol!

When I read the lyric, before reading the ensuing controversy, I had thought of "lost fly" -- when flies are at the window trying to get out, I always think of them as being lost!

Nice shiny write!

Lisa

Hi Donna,

Did you purposely avoid re-iterating the title in line three of the bridge, with "I'll be at home in it, shining and new" ..?

Cuz it seems (to me) like it would be a stronger line with "shiny," but I'm thinking you've avoided that on purpose. "shiny and new" sounds like a natural pairing, to me.

Mike



Mike

Neil, the lyric's basically finished now.

Lisa, I love it when folks discuss some tiny little - though significant - element in a lyric. At least no one seems to have come to blows regarding that pesky housefly. (BTW, nice possible connection between the singer and a 'lost fly'. )

Mike, I had to smile.

In fact, I to- and fro-ed for several minutes between 'shiny' and 'shining'. I agree, 'shiny and new' are a natural pairing. I wanted, though, not to repeat 'shiny'. I hope I've resolved it by using 'shining like new'.

Thanks, as always, for the extra nudge. And I've an extra line to the chorus, plus made small changes in the verses for a smoother flow.

Donna

try this on for the chorus

Chorus
I want to be shiny
All starry and bright
I want to be shiny
Like a beacon
In the darkest night
I want to be shiny
Somnone's comforting sight