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Real Deal
by Brian Austin Whitney - 05/07/26 01:38 AM
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Flyte
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/06/26 05:36 PM
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8
Top 10 Poster
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OP
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Gradually reborn
v
Remember days of purple skies
listening to Judy Blue Eyes?
Legs crossed sat on bare floors
eclectic footfall through our door
V
Handing around those cigarettes
red wine hangovers I won't forget
Posters of Jim covered the walls
wallpaper peeling down the hall
PRE C
Don't know how we survived
but somehow we arrived
C
Gradually we were reborn
for neighbourhood meetings
Sundays mowing the lawn-
where have the years gone?
V
That old mattress for our bed
not just to lay our tired heads
Dollar Jesus shoes on our feet
Sunday grooving on down Main street.
B
Jim's posters are in the attic,
unchanging day by day.
unlike Mr. & Mrs Monday Book Club
now reading Dorian Gray.
PRE C
Don't know how we survived
but somehow we arrived
C
Gradually reborn
for neighbourhood meetings
Sundays mowing the lawn-
where have the years gone?
V
Giving flowers to passers bye
old cops giving us evil eyes
We had our parents worried sick
then Zoe arrived we grew up quick
PRE C
Don't know how we survived
but somehow we arrived
C
Gradually reborn
for neighbourhood meetings
Sundays mowing the lawn-
where have the years gone?
Last edited by Travis david; 11/12/14 05:24 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
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a little trim off some lines would work the meter.I think your chorus needs some meat Travis.Bridge kind of makes him turned uh ya know different from what he seemed at first.A good start.Mike
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072
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Hi cousin,
you've really been cranking them out! I like this a lot so far, but it does seem a bit like a work in progress. Just not as refined as most of yours. I think you have all the nuts and bolts, just need to tweak it a bit.
The posters of Jim line is pretty cool. I was thinking posters of Doors, but you use Jim again later. Could be cool to see if people tie them together though, lol. I also thought this could be Jimi, but then you would have said Jimi. Interesting! I do like the Dorian Gray reference for what that's worth.
David
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
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Hey Travis,
I'm with the others on refinin' this a bit.
I love where its goin'!
It takes me back to the day! Love that!
Geneva
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Cheers Cousin, yes it needs a bit of work, not to sure about this one if it's worth the effort.
Thanks for looking by
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8
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Hi Geneva
Yes it needs pulling together, which I'll work on soon.
Thanks for your visit
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072
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Well, for what it's worth I think it's clearly worth the effort. JMHO cousin.  David
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,411
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Hey Travis
I think you should work on it. I'd start with reversing the lines in the P/C. I actually like this quite a lot.
Cheers
Joe
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
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Hi Travis,
I like this a lot and think it's definitely worth working on!
I'm not sure what "eclectic footfall" means.
I think, if you're going to beef up the chorus, you could do a LOT more with the "reborn" theme. Actually, the reborn theme could probably be sprinkled in more liberally throughout!
Lisa
P.S. Maybe the bridge should delve into the why or how of the rebirth.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
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Got to be 1969. I often wonder how I survived, too.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Eclectic footfall Large, small fit and smelly feet lol
I'll take a look at it soon I tried to do a rewrite last night but scrapped it.
I'll try again!
Thanks
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8
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1969 was a good year Jim, remember it well and Elvis' great Memphis album too
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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"I left my home, only to find a new home, full of heart, soul and dreams. Then, I left that new home, heart intact, but much stronger and energized from the experience" -Brian Austin Whitney
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