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Ali Angel
by Gary E. Andrews - 06/27/26 11:00 PM
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ASCAP & AI
by John Lawrence Schick - 06/27/26 05:17 PM
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Riot Fest
by Gary E. Andrews - 06/21/26 10:51 PM
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067 |
Hey Vic and Tammy, I like the vocals, music, and production. Lyrical tweaks/comments below. Keep or sweep  V1 I want you to trust everything that I do My lips don't lie when I say to you Baby when you're not here seems my life falls apart So if you think it ain't true it's just your jealous heart ([color:#000099]apart and heart are cliché rhymes[/color])V2 No other man makes me turn my head I'd rather share my love with you instead ( [color:#000099]instead is there for the rhyme, but not needed, since you say "I'd rather share my love with you...that's a complete thought...the instead is understood without stating it.)[/color] Believe what I say it doesn't have to be this hard When your feeling that way it's just your jealous heart (rhyming [color:#000099]hard with heart is almost like mating the same word; I'd consider a different rhyme mate.[/color])Chorus: Jealous heart, how could you think the things you do Jealous heart, when we keep staying here with you ... here with you Inst. V3 When there's green in our eyes then we understand That our feelings could easily get out of hand ( I believe that a line has more punch with the main idea at or near the end of the line; that said; the first line of verse 3 would be more stronger as: [color:#000099]We understand when there's green in our eyes[/color]( Of course, that changes the end rhyme for the following line; so let's see if we can come up with an alternate line that rhymes with [color:#000099][b]eyes:[/color][/b] Suspicious feelings begin to arise But we love each other and that's how it's been from the start And we won't give in to this foolish jealous heart ([color:#000099]start and heart are also cliché rhymes[/color])Chorus: Jealous heart, how could you think the things you do Jealous heart, when we keep staying here with you Chorus: Jealous heart, how could you think the things you do Jealous heart, when we keep staying here with you ... here with you
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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