Loony Lim'ricks,
Volume 2
©2007 James M. Quillen

"Do you back planned parenthood, Lee?"
"Of course," said the youngster to me.
"Ev'ry kid should fight
For the basic right
To plan who their parents will be."

An amorous golfer named Brown
To marriage vows didn't feel bound
'Cause on the club stairway,
Not on the fairway,
His wife caught him playing a-round.

"Some Old West Indians," said Hyde,
"Repaired torn garments with great pride.
They could deftly mend
Rent cloth or buckskin
And were called the A-patch-e tribe."

The short shorts inventor, seems to me,
Should be viewed by posterity
As one who exposed
From buttocks to toes
Such lovely gams- what a leg-ah-see!

An Italian named Capella
Was a most likeable fella
But when he sang arias
Without orchestrarias,
His friends would groan, "Aw, Capella!"

A fertility doc, a Haitian,
Spoke at the United Nations.
Sev'ral ladies there
Arose from their chairs,
Gave him a standing ovulation!

Said good looking deli worker Lynn
While handing a hoagie to her frynn,
"If your brother Jake
Still wants a date,
Tell him I can sandwich him ynn!"

Long ago in a prehistoric land,
Cave woman Cro ruled a stone age clan
But she harped so at her mate
For coming home so late,
We now call him the Cro-nag-non man.

I don't mind a cow's constant mooin'
Or a turtle dove's loud cooin'
But what gets my goat
And sinks my boat
Is pigeons droppin' all they're dooin'.

"Prove that I exist," said Fifi.
"No problem," said her twin Mimi.
"If you're in doubt,
Stand up and shout
'Je pense, donc je suis' suis."*
(*I think, therefore I am am.)

Country Music fan Sam Cutty
Is off the wall, I mean nutty.
His one goal in life:
(Please don't tell his wife)
To be Dolly's bosom buddy!

A social climber from Van Nuys
Longs to dress sharp like other guys
But to this date
He can't get straight
How to match his shirts with his tuys.

An old streptococcus named Cain
Had a fight with his girlfriend Jane.
Said he, "I'd date Phyllis,
That sexy bacillus,
If my heart could stand the strain."

Gripes psychology student Tess,
"My roommate causes me great stress.
Her tongue's sharp as a sword
And at sowing discord
I'd rancor as one of the best."

A cattle breeder from Tenn.
By the name of Bill Henn.
Stops at the feed store
Ev'ry day at four
And shoots the bull with the menn.

Folks say astronomer Clower
Never leaves his viewing tower
And he must be daft
For he takes no bath
Till there's a meteor shower.

Hard working seamstress Greta Gritch
Sewed day and night without a hitch
Till a plumber named Dub
Surprised her in the tub
And there she sat without a stitch.

The chess club members were aghast!
The new recruit had played his lhast.
Explained he, "My dear friends,
I'm not all I pretend-
You see, I've led a checkered phast!"

Two hoopsters, a girl, a guy named Sam,
Jilted by lovers on the lam,
At first consorted
And then they courted
And got married on the rebound.

A canine book author named Taft
Humorously works at his craft.
Said he, "On a lark
I compared each breed's bark
And it's all here in my 'RUFF!' draft."

Bragged vain, conceited, handsome Jeff,
"Got too much to keep on the shelf."
Said she, "Bet you're a lemon
'Cause God's gift to women
Never comes wrapped up in himself."

A Chinese tailor, Ray Yon,
Married a Korean, Ms. Day Cron,
But his half brother Jack
Didn't cotton to that
And wed Ms. Polly Esther Tron.

Said old master archer Frye
With a quiver in his eye,
"Some events require
Our formal attire:
Arrow dress shirt and bow tie."

'Twas asked of a furrier from Japan,
"Is a skunk coat fit for a man?"
"Wear it," said the furrier,
"If you're not a wurrier
But I'd get as fur from it as I can."