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7 members (Gary E. Andrews, bennash, Fdemetrio, Irwin, Michael W. Brown, 2 invisible),
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Love Bomb
by Michael W. Brown - 10/10/26 08:09 PM
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Goldroom
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/08/26 01:40 PM
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
Hi Gary....I read your post the first time
but didn't really feel real adequate in helpin you..but I'll give it a stab....and
hopefully...someone else will follow up...
I think you have chosen a good universal
theme we can relate to....but the trick
or so I'm told is to give it a more positive
ending, a followable rhyme scheme, and present it in a way.....that's different
than the rest.
In verse one...many lines end with you.
I do not feel comfortable giving you a rewrite...and this probably isnt very
different or exciting...but I started it
I'll start forgetting you
in maybe a day, or two
I'm hurting here...alone
no hugs, no ringing phones
hoping someone else will chime in and
help here. Good luck...
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