ELVIS NASH FAKE HEADLINES — DETAILS AT 11
Capitalism—of course they want to make money. They’re not doing this because they enjoy hearing robots sing. From A to Z, baby, somebody’s getting billed.
In other news, the Catholic Church announced it needs more money to get you into heaven. Apparently inflation has reached the afterlife.
The Baptists heard James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” and immediately assumed it was about hell. James Taylor had no comment. He just looked tired.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses laughed at everybody and said, “We’re not going anywhere. We’re staying right here on Earth.”
Apparently they’ll be playing with lions.
Good luck with that.
The IRS announced some wonderful news today: starting next tax season, they’ll send you a free condom when you file.
Yep. You’re still getting fucked—but now the government can say it practices safe taxation.
Trump posted about the new program at 2:00 in the morning after reportedly talking to Suzy Swing-on-a-Chandelier, a woman with a résumé we were advised not to investigate.
The Russians responded, “Atta boy, Orange Man.”
In breaking financial news, somebody leaked a shocking government secret:
You can’t survive on Social Security.
Millions of Americans responded simultaneously:
“No [naughty word removed].”
Meanwhile, all gasoline cars will eventually be replaced by electric cars—except for those assholes still buying retired Crown Victoria police cars.
Those things will apparently survive nuclear war, climate change, and three more civilizations.
Several billionaires issued a joint statement today:
“Thank God for wars. We were getting worried about quarterly earnings.”
The Walmart greeter was asked for comment.
He said, “Welcome to Walmart.”
Finally, meteorologists say tomorrow could be sunny, cloudy, rainy, windy, hot, cold, or somewhere in between.
So basically, they have no fucking idea either.
And that wraps up tonight’s Elvis Nash Fake Headlines.
We don’t know what’s true, we don’t know if it’ll rain, and apparently nobody knows where all the money went.
Good night, America.
Details at 11.

Wait Wait , This coming in. Dom said I'm not spending 600 to go to a recording studio . So I'll push buttons on Suno .

Last edited by bennash; 09/12/26 07:04 AM.
We’re all built from the same dust and dreams,
Different roads, but the same means.