Originally Posted by Steve Altonian
Hey Tom,

I'm just gonna hit a couple things that stick out to me...First impressions is generally how I will crit anyways...And this is only my impression. Others may not hear it that way

Great feel, solid rythym. The WHISTLE is absolutely perfect...Voice fits project perfectly, gutar playing & style fit the song perfectly...2 things which may tighten up this write up...

1. The CHORUS lyric changes from CHORUS to CHORUS....

I personally think it is extrememly risky in a song to drastically change your CHORUS lines...I am not sure if I have any songs I do that in...Why? I want people to know my CHORUS and sing it the second time around...But I am a "Hooker"...That sounds & looks funny...But I am...I am a "Hooker". I always write from the Hook. So if the lyric changes drastically from CHORUS to CHORUS, IMO I may not be able to truly hook em'...I'm not saying you can't do it or shouldn't do it, but I generally won't...Because I want people to sing my Chorus the 2nd time around. But, once again, that is my take on it...The way the CHORUS is written I as a listener would need 10 times, maybe more to remember all those lines. I want people to remember my CHORUS...But once agin I am a "Hooker". There are plenty of writers here who will certainly say they have no problem with a different Chorus throughout the tune.

2. The CHORUS' are angrier than the VERSES...

Not just tone-wise but lyrically, your CHORUS is way angrier than the VERSES. And being angry about it being "over" is a great vibe for this tune......I think the VERSES are a little too nice, no WAAYYY too nice...I would rather the VERSES tell us more why it's over as to because SHE messed up/or did this/or that/or didn't appreciate him yada yada yada...I'm not gonna dissect the lyric just the TONE of the VERSES...I think the VERSES should be more about what she did which would make you "angry" because "it's over" versus saying "I love you" or "I see the future or "I can find another love"...or the "Jibber & the Jabber"..why is it over? You do make reference to it, but I think it could be more fleshed out, hammered home quite a bit more...Put this woman in check...Did she lie, cheat, not appreciate you, Did she run off with Sancho??? to me the Singer tone in any of your currently constructed CHORUS is "It's over" & I'm pissed...IT"S OVER...I'M PISSED...In your version you tell her that it's over, but it isn't believable...HE DOESN"T REALLY WANT THE BREAK-UP is kind of what I heard from your song even though he says it's over, I'm not convinced because the verses were too fluffy about how he feels about her.

I would consider writing one uniform CHORUS, & write VERSES that support the "raw" angry feel of the CHORUS ....

That is my first impression...




Hey Steve...thanks for listening and for the in-depth crit. Concerning the lyrical change up in the choruses, this is something I have done a few times, now. I like the freshness of it in some songs. It's certainly done by others with great success. As far as the anger issues between the verses and choruses, I'm going to have to think on all that you wrote.
Lots to lunch on.
Thanks again!!



Originally Posted by Dave Rice
Hi Tom:

Enjoyed my listen. Break-Up Songs do require emotions a singer (or songwriter) does not normally encounter. I believe this one is very close and want to encourage you to keep at it until its ready for prime time. Opinions are a dime a dozen and this one is already better than 90% of the songs we hear at JPF and other music sites. Keep at it, my friend. You'll be glad you did.

All the best... and thanks for sharing.

----Dave




Thanks Dave.......I'll keep trying.
Thanks for the encouragement!!





Last edited by IronKnee; 06/13/20 04:26 AM.