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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 03:22 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:36 PM
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 454
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ANYTHING is AWESOME let me know what you think about this one. Thank you for taking your time to read it.
Let Me Sleep Forever
V1
I'll stay off my feet 'til I feel I need to be Aware of whats in front of me Right now Im running on sleep Conjuring pleasant dreams I don't wanna leave Flying low solo Over a souls sea This is where I want to be A black hole reality Where I can do what I please No reason to receive Closed eyes I fly open mind set free
C1
Let me sleep forever That worlds made better Let me sleep forever In an everlasting love letter
V2
I'll build a big scene A backyard eternity Better then the big screen I'm running on empty Twice as much energy I can hear a silent beep Complications complete Following a certain beat Started as a soft creak Turned to a big crash dream smashed Bad timing to remind me Its time to receive Open eyes I drive closed mind blinding
B1
Just press snooze beep beep beep beep Repeat beep beep beep beep
C1
Let me sleep forever That worlds made better Let me sleep forever In a never ending love letter
I wrote it to kinda following JayZ's On to the next one but it would be much diffrent just thats how it played out in my head..
ANY IDEAS!! THOUGHTS!!
Aaron Johnson
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I'd love to stay in some of my dreams too, damn it, the alarm has brought me out of alot of great dreams that i'd rather be in than real life....great write Aaron....
glyn
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
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It was once said that many of Bob Dylan's songs came from his dream. Golly, I can't even remember the majority of mince once I am awake. Ups and downs are the theme of life, and nowhere is that more true than I reading each other's song lyrics.
Peace, Brian
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
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G'Morning Bro Aaron!
When I first saw your hook, I assumed it was gonna be a song about suicide. Greatly-relieved that it wasn't...(Tho look what the Manson Family got outta "Helter-Skelter", eh?)
That concern aside, hey, this is pretty Good Stuff, Amigo.
Lines I Liked a Lot: "A black hole reality".."A backyard eternity"/"Better than the big screen"..& that fine Hooky-Couplet that defines this song.
I wish ya good luck on this Really Interesting Write, "Well-Done" Amigo..& I'll pray no kids mis-interpret your intentions here.
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Hey Glyn Thank you for reading and even more for commenting can always count on the encouragement Brian Thanx for pointing out that not everyone rememebers their dreams. maybe I will try to write something that would incorporate daydreaming as well and find a new B but it would be a toughy Stan Its always a pleasure receiving a comment from you. I agree I don't ever want to write a suicide song that just leaves the power of suggestion to the listener and I dont want that. Am I gettin better? lol Lets hope us kids go to work haha
Aaron Johnson
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Anyone else wanna share a comments, concerns, suggies?
Aaron Johnson
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 652
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Hi Aaron,
I think youre coming along better than you think!
My only suggestion below; I think the chorus is good but needs to be stonger, the last line needs some thought..try to detract from bad thoughts...as mentioned by others.
Let me sleep forever That worlds made better Let me sleep forever In an everlasting love letter sug (not be woken by whatever?)or (And wake to be whomever -----I want to be)or whoever... Hope it helps, good write. :)K
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Hey Katz
I agree with a stronger C for sure cuz as it sits now it better have an awesome music hook. I like the suggies and I will think of something when it comes time. Thank you for reading and more importantly commenting!
Aaron Johnson
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Hi, Aaron! Good writing here... the verses are really nice, lots of creativity in them! I agree with Stan.. the title made me think it was going to be about death, and I was pleasantly surprised that is wasn't. Also, as Katziis said, the Chorus needs strengthened, and you might want to re-think the title... I just wander if you'll be able to escape having the audience think of death if you keep this hook, no matter what else you do with the Chorus. So, I think the deepest challenge you have is with the hook in-particular. Maybe try something like: GIMME A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP THEN, SNOOZE-CONTROL FOR 10 MORE HOURS GIMME A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP THEN, WHILE AWAKE, I'LL GO FULL-POWER Just an idea, feel free to keep, trim, or sweep! Keep at it, it'll be a good one! --Jen
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
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Thanx everyone with the input comments have been marked on orginal copy and I will work that out eventually thank you thank you thank you cheers
Aaron Johnson
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
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some cool dreams happen when ya smoke a big fatty before crashing [so i've been told].Just remebering them is the thing.Ya got some cool lines in this one,hopefully the music marries nice with it.
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