JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum First Time

Hi Jan,

Thanks for taking time to listen. I appreciate the offer of help. That you thought enough of the song means a lot to me. With a little self effort and help from JM, I think I have the lyric trimmed down to a "doable" state. (If that isn't a word. it ought to be!) Now it's just a matter of re-recording the vocals (the easy part)and finding a band and, voila! I have my one and only uptempo song. Life is good.

Ricki

A lot of music in this small production. Has a good feel to it. Yeah, tighten up the vocal a bit and it'll be ready to go. The voice fits it perfectly.

Let me know when you do a re-take on the vocal Ricki. I want to hear it again.

John

Hi John,

Thanks for the listen and glad you like it and would actually be willing to listen to it again!

Ricki

This is a cool song Ricki. It's cool and sad at the same time.

It's got a GREAT hook.

Peace,

Ian

Hi Ricki,

Interesting twist in the lyric, and overall very strong, lyrically.

there are a few phrasing issues, like "As he turned to go he said I'm so glad I could be your", "I am alone and for now I like it that way" and "The kind of love I'm thinking of will find me eventually for the"

and this line esp.: "You can't leave me now, I get what I want and I bought you a ring/As I turned to go I said there" ...it seems like "I get what I want" is in there again so we know it's him speaking, but I still find it a little confusing, due to the fact that "I said" follows quickly, and "I" was the last proper noun, in the preceding line too.

The phrasing issues will certainly all get worked out. You may consider "compacting" "You can't leave me now, I get what I want and I bought you a ring" like

"you said you couldn't leave/that you'd bought me a ring"

...this reminds me of Suzanne Vega at her best; very good work!

Mike

I like how the story progresses, takes you somewhere such as about lessons learned, how you are better off for it today, etc., also how you modify the chorus each time, provides more room to tell your stuff. If anything I would think about condensing some of the thoughts so you don't sound like your rushing to squeeze in all the words at certain points in the song. Also, exactly what happened between you two that first time in the parking lot?

Hi Ian,

Thanks for the warm fuzzies.

Ricki

Hi Mike,

The phrasing/wordiness seems to be the biggest issue with this one, so that's where I'll concentrate my efforts. Thanks for your input, glad to see you back.

Ricki

Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll be cutting out the extra words so they should flow smoother.

"Also, exactly what happened between you two that first time in the parking lot?"

You're kidding, right?

Ricki

This is stuff that should be in the front, not in the back of the closet.

Tom

This is a great write about something urgent for most people.
The first love is the deepest?
I must add that this is worth to work on.
Love it!
Ken

Hi Tom,

You don't want to know what's in the back of my closet!

Ricki

Hi Ken,

Thanks for listening. I don't know about being the deepest, but it would seem like first love sticks with us like no other, even when it goes bad.

Ricki

Glad you posted this one Ricki. I really enjoyed the folk sound.

Steve

Hi Stevie,

Thanks for listening and glad you enjoyed it.

Ricki

This is great, but seems squeezed for time lyrically......I apologize if previous comments echo this.

😁