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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/01/24 01:05 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1 |
Ive never shown my songs to anyone before my family and friends dont even know i write and never really studied the art of song writing so i was look for some feedback and tips so here is on of my songs. i hope you enjoy
Destruction
Here comes the pain The shame The blackness and the rain The blood trickles as we all know the name Death, destruction, were all to blame
People dying, children crying Animals straying, buildings falling The world turning as we all start learning Its never gonna stop Theirs nowhere to hide
(chorus) From this destruction From this knife Cutting so deep Feeling it in my soul Destruction all around taking its toll
Afraid to sleep Afraid to be awake Not knowing if its my life its going to take Danger around every corner Only hoping to make it through the day Just to remember it will never change
(chorus) From this destruction From this knife Cutting so deep Feeling it in my soul Destruction all around taking its toll
Will their be a day Where I will not be afraid Where I will feel safe Under my skin I try not to show What I know One day the world will crumble
(chorus) From this destruction From this knife Cutting so deep Feeling it in my soul Destruction all around taking its toll
All we can do is try to survive We will fight for our lives The strong will rise The weak will fall The sun will die The moon will rise Into the night As we all remember the day of destruction
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 41
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 41 |
I like the rhyming, especially the first stanza, where everything rhymes. was trying to work on the 2nd stanza (where the 2nd line doesn't rhyme so well with the first), but couldn't think of anything ;-) On the whole, good rhyme and rhythm, I'd say :-)
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,578 |
Hey switch, Welcome to the board. It works pretty good as poetry. You've got some good thoughts and good lines. Doesn't work as good as a song. Ordinarily the lines that rhyme in one verse. rhyme in all verses. The verses are usually all sung to the same melody and due to an extreme difference in line length and syllables, that would be hard to do here. Nevertheless, you have good thoughts although very much on the serious, even "dark" side. There's a place for that too though somewhat limited. It might help as far as structure, rhyming, etc to look at some of the songs posted by folks with several hundred or a few thousand posts. (Probably mostly on board 3.) You have talent but at present your stuff is more poetry That's all just my opinion . Write on Wy
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 |
Switchblade,
IMO--I am still learning too!
Back in the 50's and 60's, the cold war had us in a mind set of an all out war. The possibility now would be for a rogue state to launch a sneak attack. Of course, in a short time, things can change in the blink of an eye.
I think the song would work as a folk song. You need to narrow the focus of D Day just in the place you live. A descriptive picture of chaos as it unfolds before your eyes--happening in a sequence that is believable.
A stronger chrous
Bombs Falling in the distance--Nuclear attacks would have to be in a distance for you to be telling the story--keep the attack in the neighborhood--what you can see with your own eyes--as the fallout, etc.
D Day would be pure hell--stronger language.
Chaos, Nuclear, Blood, Twisted, Smoking, Cooked Flesh, Burning, Toxic, Pungent....
Welcome!!!!!! with your D Day.
Mackie Humphries
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