Hi Sarah,

Despite the opinion of the previous poster, I think your lyric shows a great deal of innovation. A lot of very seasoned lyricists have trouble with one of the most basic songwriting concepts...how to write in a conversational style. You have done this very well. You have a good handle on how to rhyme. I think as you write more and more you will pick up on some of the technical aspects of meter (making each line work with the same stresses as its corresponding line in the other verses).

The biggest issue here that will give this real fits is the length. You will need to seriously condense this unless you intend to write an epic tale. To actually sing this would take probably 6-7 minutes even at a fairly decent tempo. It is also easier to chedk for meter bumps, rhyme scheme, etc if you post the lyric in lines as they would actually be sung, such as:
At the end of her street,
she didn't know which way to turn
The despair suddenly grabbed her,
and she sat down on the curb
Alone, hungry, sad, and not
100 feet from home
She realized the biting truth,
that she had nowhere to go
And then it hit her young mind,
as only these thoughts could...etc

A word to John Cricks. These forums here on JPF exist so that people can learn from each other how to improve. No one expects a poster to put up lyrics that have no room for improvement. We are here to help each other...and the best way to do that is to provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not demeaning and insulting comments such as: "Or are you really wanting to write a real song???? Sit back and look at this lyric, and really tell me this is good.. Come on tell me this is the best you can do.. If it is, than please stop writing.. I can't believe there is anyone out there who wants to reads your material.. Unless they have lost their minds.." If that is the most helpful critique you can offer someone here, then perhaps you might learn something yourself by reading the comments provided by others here on this forum. If you take the time to post something of yours, perhaps someone here might help you also. No need to cop an attitude round here. You'll find out quickly enough that folks here have manners and expect that of others. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

And Sarah...opinions are like belly buttons...everybody has one!!

Bobbie

They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you.

Gallup 'n Dawg Music