JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Two at the Cross- Help!

Hey ya'll,
Sorry it's been a while, I've had at lot to do lately. I hate to post another half-a** song, but it seems these days I just can't finish what I start! I know I haven't been good at all about posting on other people's songs, but I promise I'm going to set aside some time for that today or tomorrow.....
Thanks for reading and I hope you like!


I roughly did a third verse, so see what you think!!!!!
Two at the Cross

Verse 1
Sundays and Wenesdays she puts on a smile
then drives up the road it's only seven miles
she opens the hymns and sings all the songs
actin like nothin is wrong

Verse 2
Friday night comes and she has a whole other style
it's out on the town bein crazy and wild
Saturday brings regret as she cries
"I'm tired of livin this double life"

*Chorus*
And she has
Two at the cross
her once guided soul has been lost
somewhere along the way, she seperated, and she hates it
she's got to put herself back together
and oh how she wants to stop,
Havin Two at the Cross

Verse 3
a severed life can leave the deepest scars
it can make simply breathin semm so hard
the road she must travel is far
but until she learns how to mend her heart

*Chorus*
She'll have
Two at the cross
her once guided soul has been lost
somewhere along the way, she seperated, and she hates it
she's got to put herself back together
and oh how she wants to stop,
Havin Two at the Cross

Oh how she wants to stop,
Havin Two at the Cross
_____________________________________
I know it's not much, but it's a start. I just can't seem to figure out where to go from here!! Thanks for takin the time to read!
Love to you all,
Mary


[This message has been edited by Mary Gardner (edited 01-15-2003).]

What if you take the last 2 lines of your first verse and make them the start of the second verse?

Then say something like:
Pleasure and pain are a two-edged knife
She's already paying a heavy price
There's 2 at the cross one life she'll sacrifice....
Don't know if that helps or not. But I saw this and wanted to give it a shot. This is going to be great when you finish it. Good luck!

pammie,
thanks so much for the suggestion, I really like it and I like what you wrote, I printed it out and will take a look at it tonight!!!
Thanks so much for the vote of confidence!!
Love always,
Mary

Like this latest version. I was looking at the first one you posted and thinking you could actually split the first verse into two and I see you did that. (Kinda wish she wasn't left trying to mend her own heart, but I can understand why you left it that way.)

[This message has been edited by pammie (edited 01-15-2003).]

Hi Mary,
So nice to see you posting,again.
I reall like what you wrote,it is very lovely and touching.....IMO it doesn't need all that much more.,,I have only a tiny nit
I'd take out ( I hate it ) in the chrus ,seems to make the line too long,unless,ofcourse,you have music to fit it.Yo did get great advice from Pammie,though

God Bless
ClaireJeanne
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/claireandrick.htm

Pammie,
Yeah I just was looking at it and saw that it could be split...so I did! Thanks for all your help!
Clairejeanne,
THanks so much for your words of encouragement...as always you've made me feel happy to be writing...and proud of my song... I understand what you mean about ( I hate it ) but it fits with the melody that I have!!
Love always,
Mary

Hi, Mary!

This is a very interesting idea. Pretty unique. Probably rock style would work well with this.

I didn't get the connection that the two lives were her at first. I played with it . Hope you don't mind:

Two lives looking up to the cross
Used to be one but now she's lost
her self;
she's separated.
She can't help but hate it
All she wants to do is stop
Having two at the Cross

Good luck with this. It will be interesting to watch it develop.

JeanB

JeanB,
As always thanks for looking at this and takin the time to re-work it...I like what you have...but I also like what I have...I'll let you know what I end up doing!!!
Love always,
Mary

------------------
"I don't love you enough to ask you to stay. But I love you too much to watch you walk away."

The only thing that I would change in the song is the first line of the 2nd verse. I would take out the word "and" this seems to be an extra "beat" so to speak. Not sure, would have to hear it, but that's my 2 cents.

------------------
D
BAKE (vocals)

"I think I'm goin nuts, and I'm never goin back. I'm goin to WAR!!" -- Goin to War - BAKE

Mary,

Wow! Great storytelling. You have some great themes in your songs, they have a really human feel to them. I'd like to see a bridge saying something about her resolve to commit to her faith (I think that's the life she'd rather lead?), and then a third Chorus that ends on a more positive note--JMO. I'd love to hear the music for this when your done with it. Bravo!



------------------
Nat

www.soundclick.com/nataliealberts

Bake,
I see what you're saying, but with the melody that I have it seems to fit...thanks so much for reading and I Really appreciate it!
Nat,
Thanks so much for the vote of confidence...I was actually singing this in the car for my friend last night and I was tellin her that I thought it really needed a bridge...so I'm working on it right now (well in a few minutes, I'm watching MTV right now!!! lol) Thanks so much for reading I really appreciate it!!
Love to you both,
Mary

Hi Mary

Great job with this song

Question, in the chorus is it possible to repeat two at the cross you know

she'll have two at the cross
two at the cross---------

if ya got a great hook, pound it lol!!!!!

------------------
Ritt

[This message has been edited by spiderlady (edited 01-18-2003).]

Ritt,
I sang it through and yeah I think it is possible...I have to talk with the girl that's composing the music...but I think it will work!! Thanks for the great idea!
Love always,
Mary

Mary, you allways have outstanding lyrics, and this is strong as well. I had a little trip up on first read with meter, but I bet you've got that worked out. Good one, Randy

Hi Mary! The title intrigued me to stop by. I enjoyed the song quite a bit! We just had a sermon on this topic, kinda, this past Sunday.

I had similar little hang ups that were already mentioned.... the extra beat on verse 2 line one. I was thinking- Friday night flies with a whole new style - I also had the same though about line 4 of chorus seeming long, but without the music I can only go on how I am singing it.

On verse 3 the last line could do better without the but. Just my thoughts.

It's a great concept that touches many of us unfortunately. A bridge would be a great way to help her and others with a solution. Why can't she have fun on Fri/Sat that would be acceptable by Sunday? Look forward to your bridge!

Great song!

[This message has been edited by reddaisy (edited 01-20-2003).]

Mary, I just had a thought on this about the two standing before the cross. Maybe something about I'm a saint and I'm a sinner.

JeanB

JeanB
Yeah I was thinkin about that, but that exact line is used in one of Jessica Andrews songs "Rosemary's Grandaughter" (I think that's the name of it) I know it'd be in a completely different text, but I still feel weird about it!
Thanks as always for your help though!
Randy,
Thanks for the comments, it's always nice to hear someone say they think my lyrics are strong, because often I think they're weak!
reddaisy,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me. I'm glad you liked and only found a few nits....I'm taking what you said into consideration and I'll let you know when it's done!
Love to you all,
Mary

Mary,
I haven't posted here lately, but took a peek today and this really caught my attention! I love this very realistic theme.

You're handling this subject matter very creatively and your sensitivity shines through! I'm sure you'll have this "wired" before too long. Keep up the good work.

God bless!
Michael

------------------
If I can right a human wrong,
Or help to make someone strong,
If I can cheer with a smile or song,
Lord help me thrive where I belong!

[This message has been edited by Michael Borges (edited 01-27-2003).]

Michael,
Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me! I actually just sent this to a friend and he told me he sat around with a bunch of his friends and tried to figure this out....and he couldn't. So that was a little depressing....
I'm workin on the music with a friend of mine right now, and it just seems like it's gonna all come together really nicely!
Thanks for the confidence boost!
God Bless to you 2,
Mary

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"I don't love you enough to ask you to stay. But I love you too much to watch you walk away."