JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum "I LOVE YOU, TOO" - New COUNTRY-STYLE Demo & Rewrite

*EDIT 2: Rewrote (again!) and re-demo'd (again!) in a more country-style feel so I can get more submission opportunity depending on what "songs requested cattle call" requirements I run across (skip past initial and first-Edit posts below).

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*EDIT: Rewrote and redemo'd according to some of the feedback I've been getting. Any comments deeply appreciated! (skip past initial post below)

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Howdy all,

Have not been here in a while, stopped writing for a long time, in fact this is the first new song for me in years.

Anyway, it's simply a first draft and home demo. If you would take the time to listen and let me know what you think, I'd appreciate it. Thank you all very kindly.

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New Link:

I LOVE YOU, TOO
Copyright 2010 Charles Wong

New Country Lyrics:

I hear the gentle whisper as you slide between the sheets
Like you lived here all my life, not just the past few weeks
You're my last thought every evening, and the first one each day
How'd you do this to me, why am I this way?

I can't think straight, can't concentrate
Like there's no air to breathe
The space between my fingers
Is where your hands should be
I feel this burst of butterflies when you walk in the room
You smile and say, "I love you, too"

So we live our lives together, but no one outruns time
You start to lose your memory, and then you lose your mind
You don't know what my name is, or remember my face
So I pull you close, as you struggle to say

I can't think straight, can't concentrate
Like there's no air to breathe
The space between my fingers
Is where your hands should be
Some days I feel like I'm the only person in the room
I smile and say, "I love you, too"

Then you leave this world and life turns black and white
I'm on my knees and pray you hear my cry

I can't think straight, can't concentrate
Like there's no air to breathe
The space between my fingers
Is where yours used to be
I fill these empty hallways of my heart with thoughts of you
And I hear you say, "I love you, too"
Yes I hear you say, "I love you, too"

Hey Charlie........love this, and don't know why it's on page 2.
"space between my fingers where your hand should be" what a killer line. Good job!


Janet Snow

Enjoyed this, very clean sound. Drums sound a bit fake. I'd work on getting the intonation down. I like the structure, nice chord changes. I wanted some really soaring, pinnacle in the song. Reminds me of Burt Bacharach...

Janet, thank you for your kind comments. I didn't want to use the old, "hold my hand" cliche thing, and that line just popped out as I was sitting there, fitting the fingers of my one hand into the other...

Appreciate the listen Bob, I woulda soared more but at the end of the, "I kneel to pray and hope you hear my cry" line, my ol' voice just couldn't soar no more higher, heh heh.

Don't soar and get get sore!
Don't wreck your voice...

Charlie,
great twists, great lines. Well written tragedy.

have fun,
John

Hey Charlie,
very nice song.
This song reminds me of the kind of music I would here in the 70's (the ann murry,neil dimond,Karen carpenter,3 dog night,Barry manalow eara), Just good music, easy, smooth, wonderful lyrics.
why can't music come back to this, it's so soothing to listen to.

Hey, "Mr. Bulk"-ster is BAAACKKK!!!!

Great to see You're At It Again, Charlie-Bro! (I've thought of ya every Episode I've watched...of "Dawg, The Bounty-Hunter" on TV!)
Hope ya got alla them Criminal-Types in Hawaii all-locked-up & got time to pen Lots More Songs now!!!

A Nice Sweet One...tho Dementia's not an EASY Subject to write-about... My "Hat's-Off" for Penning It...

Vox & Melodically, "Beautiful, as-always!" Lyrically, took two looks to realize "She's Dead" at The Bridge. Your "Fingers" Couplet's a Good One, & I LOVED that "Burst of Butterflies" Image, too!

I don't see it as a "Chart-Topper"...but...a lot of us Boomers are gonna HAVE to be Dealin'-With-It...in a Decade-or-Two.

Good Luck with it, Long-Distance Amigo...& Best "Welcome-Back" Wishes/Big Guy-Hug, as-usual, too!
Stan

John, 'ppreciate the listen.

sharla, yeah I had a bit of trouble figuring the style yet, was hoping it to become a country-like ballad as this is the kinda subject that might fly there (and not in today's mainstream pop genres), but it's still early in the demo-stream (I already see some rewrites to do) so we'll see.

StanDaFanMan! So very good to hear from you ol' buddy, your detailed comments let me know you listened and read with a critical eye, MUCH appreciated! See you around!

This is a nice song Charlie. It's well composed and has a lot of cool elements in the track.

There's a couple of things IMO you need to do, and they're not really big fixes.

1) The vocal is REALLY overbearing in the track. Try compressing your voice, then trimming A LOT of the bass out of your vocal (always apply EQ after compression - trim as much of the bass as you can tolerate - maybe even try radically trimming the bass - you can always change it back later). Then remix the tune. Keep the vocal at a level where you can hear all the words, but not much louder.

2) The snare drum is overpowering at times. Either remix the drums after doing step 1 or maybe just apply some compression to the final mix. Since the snare drum is so loud, you might fix it this way.

Anyway, this is a nice tune and I'd really like to hear what it sounds like w/ a mix that has the vocal in a better 'pocket'.

Peace,

Ian

Ian, appreciate the comments and mix advice, may not be able to use that yet though, since I do want to re-demo once I work out a more country-fied arrangement.

Seems like smooth jazz at the moment. Pretty far removed from country if that is where you are heading. Nevertheless, it is a very nice song with some unpredicted (by me anyway) chords in a couple of spots.

The only lyrical comment I would have would be "heart's piled in a heap" which sounds less polished than the rest of the song.

Hope you stay with writing now you are back at it!!

Aloha

Lovely song, Charlie. Agree with Colin that this doesn't sound country yet. Are you sure you have to countrify it? It's got a nice pop sound to it for me right now.

Yes, is very nicely composed, as Ian said. Lyric tells a very good story too.

Scott

I got a retro pop vibe from this, very smooth with a catchy
chorus, some nice lyrical lines, enjoyed,

Tony.

Charlie ...

Wow! Lovely song! I love the melody! Well arranged and sung. Kudos to you!

Maybe you need a better title. I love You Too may be lost in a slew of better hook titles.

Stan

Colin, I am glad some of the chords surprised you, I was trying to ensure the song did not sound similar and plain, tried to make it stand out a little more musically.

Scott, thanks for taking a listen. I have been told that the subject matter may not be as appropriate for mainstream Pop as the market is driven by youth sales and they rarely talk about death and Alzheimer's. So country it may well turn out to be. A couple of song demo studios have reviewed the tune and can indeed "country-fy" it to fit the market.

Tony A, glad you liked it.

Stan, thank you kindly. The title itself is nothing special but works for the purposes I am trying to get across with this song. Hopefully it gets listened to despite this.

Professional (paid-for) critiques from some music industry pros have been very favorable, with a few suggested rewrites of the lyric (esp. first verse) and I am diligently working on this. Perhaps the song might actually go somewhere.

Hi Charlie,

Wow, dude, this sounds really good! I was reading through the other comments and don't really have anything to add to the mix that hasn't already been said....

except to comment once more on your awesome, smooth sound and what a good write this is!

yerz and aloha,
Ellen

Hi Charlie,

I don't think we've met....nice to know you. I'm primarily a lyricist(country) and have been on these board for a few years now...very regularly. I definitely like this song alot and no...it isn't country, but I can hear it in there for sure. It has the potential for that, with a few lyrical changes and signature instrumentation.
For example....if the hook/title was something like Yeah, I Love You Too. This could work as country...it would just take a little work, but like I said....it could work.

I love the twists of the story line and it already has a country structure....has great potential....IMO. Very nice story, indeed and you are right about the content not working for pop because of the target audience....but it would work in country, but in the current POV, it would have to be pitched to a rather older artist....that may be workable as well.

Nice one, Charlie....so glad that I listened....very beautiful.

Jan

Ellen, nice meeting you in the messages section and much Mahalos for the listen, your generous comments are welcome.

Janice, after reading through a couple of your own lyrics I very much appreciate your thoughtful, insightful comments, especially about how to better "country-fy" this darn thang. I see we both like to write-in some twists to the storyline, helps make the songs go somewhere else.

Thanks again!

Howdy Charlie, Gus here. I always just start off just reading
only. These three lines jumped out at me first thing. Very innovative, with powerful images.!

The space between my fingers
Is where your hands should be
I feel this burst of butterflies when you walk in the room

I also fully appreciate the use of soft rhymes throughout
so much more thought required to work that way, something
I strive for in all my stuff. Now I'll

HI Charles,

Listening lofi, so will only comment on the composition and singing, which was enjoyable--a little on the modest side, but that's good with a love song like this.

You've got a clever hook, in that the original "I love you" is never spoken, but inferred by the singer telling her what she does to him, and vice versa in the later chorus.

The musical composition works fine, demo (keyboard) 'sounds' are a little dated, but that's no biggie. You have a real nice song here!

Mike

Charlie, quite nice. It has the flavor of a Disney song, which is a high praise. Nice development.

Tom

Very comercial oriented and I actually think the lyrics would fit the right market.
It's a great song. Only little nit is the bridge.
I'm not sure how, but an improvement here would IMHO make a difference.
Good luck re-recording. It can grow BIG.

Ken

Hi Charlie,

Very well written & you done a nice job performing.
This is great...

The space between my fingers
Is where your hands should be


good work !

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Howdy Steven, thank you for really reading through it, I did put a lot of time into coming up with these lyrics. As for soft rhymes there was a website I found that will actually GIVE YOU some soft rhyme examples, does not give all of them of course (impossible, way too many potentially) but you can play off of them to give you the rest, or at least many of them. It's called WikiRhymer and hopefully it can help when we hit that dreaded writer's block:

http://www.wikirhymer.com/RhymeSet.30305

Michael, yeah I was told by a local songwriting group I belong to here that the music could be more "edgy", although I am hoping that moving it into more of a crossover-country feel will help. You are the first to really understand what I was trying to do with respect to the him loving her idea was only inferred through tormented imagery, to build into a question by the listener that is finally answered in the title hook. But there is a slight issue with the big time gap as the second verse begins, "So we spend our years together". Listener needs to make a mental jump from "Huh?" to "Oh, so they finally hooked up". I need to work on this. Again I am very appreciative of your comments.

Thanks Tom, yeah I sure wish there was some way to get it to somebody like Disney. Mebbe Taxi someday.

Hello Ken, what do you think the bridge might need? Different key change, or perhaps something in the lyrics?

Hey Calvin, yeah I have been told the same thing by many about the "space between fingers/where hands should be" line, must have been brewing inside me somewhere and I am glad it finally came out. I have been to many songwriter critique sessions where people would repeatedly jump on others for using the old, "hands intertwined" phrase as it is not just cliched but nobody really talks like that, not to mention how it could be sung smoothly enough.

Thanks all!

.

Whoops - I rewrote some of the lyrics and re-demo'd in a more uptempo, "pop" style plus I sang it in a higher key (with some upper notes I could barely hit, as you will hear!).

I think this is the first song of your that I have listened to Charlie. I will now listen to others...

I thought it was very very beutiful. Yes it was sad but still I could feel a warmth in it. Thats what love should do.

God Bless Roy

Charlie
such a sweet song, you are very very talented ... wow, I want to hear more ... gifted writer and performer for sure

Dan

Hi Charlie,
very good work, you mentioned some high notes hard to hit?
I think you did great, didn`t hear anything out of place.
real nice sound. to me a couple of females in that chorus would top this off. again really good music, and vocal.

OskaSeason/Roy, very much appreciate the listen, yeah I got a few more songs on the main Soundclick page as well. Some person in Scandinavia or somewhere added four of them to their radio station, pretty cool to get the Soundclick notifications when it happened.

Dan, thank you for your kind comments as well as for taking the time to listen!

Hey lane1777, yeah I was kind of struggling there on the third chorus after the half-step upward modulation, glad to hear it wasn't that obvious, Thanks for listening!

Hey Charlie! Good song! Following the logic, you might want to make this change to the lyrics: KOS

I can't think straight, can't concentrate

Like there's no air to breathe

The space between my fingers

Is where your hands should be

Is right where yours should be

I feel this burst of butterflies when you walk in the room

You smile and say, "I love you, too"

-Dave

Charlie,
Lyrics are fine.
Here is my sugestion to the bridge:

| eb - bb/d | c7sus4 - c7 | eb - bb/d | abm7/eb - db7/f |

Ken

Drifter,

Thank you for really taking the time to analyze the lyrics. Believe it or not, that was my original line EXACTLY. You're thinking the way I did. But when I played it for a local songwriting group here, the critiques questioned whether I was talking about her fingers or the spaces between them on HER hand, so to make it clearer as well as more descriptive I used the phrase you see now. Thank you again for taking the time though, anything you point out is always appreciated.

Thanks bud, for taking the time and effort to help me work out the chord voicing on the bridge! So you mean using the chords E flat, B flat, D major, C7 w/suspended 4th, C7, E flat, B flat, D major, A flat minor7, Eb, Db7 and F major? If so, I gotta tell ya I did play them out and to my ear could not get a good match to the present melodic line.

As an aside, I sent this song for critique to producer Rick Chudacoff (Google him to see the major artists and projects he has produced) and he commented that he liked the bridge as it stood, that it was fine. Of course that's just one guy's opinion (and he wanted to see rewrites on the lyrics), but again I do appreciate the time and effort it does take to really analyze someone else's work, I owe ya!

Charlie....nice song....my first thought was a duet would be good on this one...or at least give that a go for fun.....it can stand the way you have it though ......Adult Contemporary is the genre imho......it could go country though with a different vocal and music.....nice work.....enjoyed the listen....Bob

Hi Charlie,

Here is what I ment:

| E flat - B flat(with D as the bass note)|
| C7 w/suspended 4th - C7 |
| E flat - B flat (with D as the bass note)|
| A flat minor7 (with e flat as the bass note) - D7 flat (with F as the bass note) |

| eb - bb/d | c7sus4 - c7 | eb - bb/d | abm7/eb - db7/f |

...greetings

ken

Excellent song Charlie! Kudos! Love it!

Hey again, Charlie! It was obvious to me you were talking about the space between your fingers as in 'fingers entwined' with her. You weren't talking about the space between her hands. How can anyone confuse the two? Yikes! Ah, well...it's your song!

-Dave

Hi Charlie

Really nice singing and I think that I did listen before the rewrite... but I don't remember exactly what you had before..... but it seems that this is all working pretty well now - lyrically and musically. So nice job ! jm

Hey there Robert, appreciate the listen. Yeah I guess a duet would be a nice form to present this in as well, although I'd have to rewrite the words a bit.

All right Ken, I get what you mean now, although my playing it to myself here doesn't quite match the melodic line of the bridge, unless you're suggesting changing the bridge melody as well? If that isn't it I would welcome a short sound byte (you can MP3 it to me by e-mail) of what you mean?

Thank you Stan, your kind comments are always appreciated.

Drifter, yeah that's exactly how I feel too, that it should be OBVIOUS to most listeners. So it indeed does make sense to say it that way, but I was made to realize the need to write for the lowest common denominator, if you know what I mean!

Good re-write Charlie. Didn't hear the 1st one, I don't think. You got a good smooth voice

Hi Joice, appreciate the (re?)-listen. And now there's a THIRD version, more country-like, let me know what you think.

Hey Louis, thank you for the nice comments, I just re-demo'd it again, in a more country style, tried to change up my pronunciation of certain words to match, hope it comes across that way.