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c.2009 Lori Clevenger

theres a box of photos in my mothers closet
i went there looking for my dad
i never found him but i found a picture
that someone had torn in half
all that was left was a faded image
of me and mom when i was five
you could tell someone had been beside us
but someone tore him from our side

i wonder what he looked like
was he there when i was born
i want so much to see the entire picture
but so much of it is torn

i know when he was young he served his country
his pension paid my way through school
but mama never liked to talk about him
and i observed her silent rule
but i have freckles, and a certain cowlick
i have a dimple when i grin
ive never seen these things in my whole family
could i have gotten them from him?

i wonder what his dreams were
and what he went through in the war
i want so much to see the entire picture
but so much of it is torn

i put the box back in my mothers closet
but i kept the picture out
mom just passed away and never told me
ill never get my answers now
the picture has one rough and three smooth edges
i cant know who was there before
hes just a phantom arm around us
all the rest of him his torn

i wonder why he left us
was there someone he wanted more?
i want so much to see the entire picture
but so much of it is torn

i want so much to see the entire person
but so much of him is torn

So many people have lived this situation. It is sad. I think you did a lovely job with the descriptions, what she wondered, how she wondered if she looked like him.
Very good job on the story. Kimberlyinnc

Hi Lori,

I think this is well-written.

The story and emotion are both clear and the “entire picture” double meaning is real nice as well as the hook. I wonder about the placement and mention of the mother’s passing…or if you need to tell us she’s passed at all since that can probably be inferred as she’s in her mother’s closet. I’m just wondering why she put the box back in the closet and kept the picture out. Wouldn’t she be cleaning it out? A little background detail that’s all……might just be me, lol....

I think you’ve got a lot of nice stuff here…

Kristi

thanks Kimberly and Kristi

Kristi, im going to take a look at that. i wondered about it myself. thanks for the input!

Hey Girlie,

Long time no see! But I'm glad I found you here, because I think this piece is lovely.

The premise of trying to discover one's true and whole identity is an emotional one, and I do believe you've done it justice. I love the word-play on "Torn"...in both the literal and metaphorical senses....very good.

While using a photo is a fairly common vehicle in a lyric, I liked how you were playing off what WASN'T in the photo. This "blank canvas", as it were, allows the narrator to project whatever she'd like onto it....but she'll never know if she ever came close to the truth. How bittersweet and poignant is that?

I agree with Kristi about putting the box away. And I do think it's suggested that the mom has passed, without having to mention it so overtly. How about:

i put the box back in my mothers closet
I SKIMMED THE BOX FOR MORE SHOTS OF MY CHILDHOOD
but i kept the HALF-picture out
mom just passed away and never told me
THOUGHT GOING THRU MOM'S THINGS WOULD GIVE MORE CLUES
ill never get my answers now

Also, there are a couple of meter issues in the second verse, but those can be worked out easily with music. In the chorus though, I felt that third line -- though a powerful message -- was too long. How about just:

i wonder what he looked like
was he there when i was born
i want so much to see the entire picture IT ALL
but so much of it is torn

In this way, your "It" can be all-encompassing. Just KOS.

Otherwise, Lori, I like this a lot. It's quite impactful and grabs you emotionally....so you should be proud of yourself.

Catch ya later,
Beth

I like Beth's suggestions and hey, it's perfect to me...great job..glyn