JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Gonna Be A Goner

It has been quite a dry spell for me...so when this silly little number popped out today...even it was welcome. This is definitely NOT hit material..but hey...every lyric written is one step closer to the big one. LOL Any thoughts are definitely welcome!! Thanks much in advance.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Gonna Be A Goner
© 2008 Lyrics by Bobbie Gallup ASCAP

He set me up to let me down
And I fell heartlong to the bottom
From all his barbs and insults
He guaranteed I gottem

Oh...he loved me well and often
But then he'd leave me guessing
With his conflicting words and actions
That I found most distressing

CHORUS:
Now he's gonna be a goner
Cause this ain't love
I've had enough
He's gonna be a goner
Yeah come the break of dawn
I'll help him move along
That man is gonna be a goner

A taste of his own medicine
Is what that guy deserves
I hope he chokes as it goes down (thanks Mudgie!!)
When he sees how much it hurts

Perhaps he'll stop and think
About the messages he sends
And consider someone else's feelings
Before he breaks a heart again

CHORUS: repeat.

BRIDGE:
There’s more fish in the sea
And I aim to go fishin’
I'll make sure he wishes he had listened
Cause he won't get no more kissin’

CHORUS: repeat

Hey Bobbie!

OOOH! This just screams Miranda Lambert!

I can truly relate to this lyric. I wish I'd written it myself, it reflects a lot of what I've been feeling lately!

Good job girlie! Chalk another one up for us feisty wimmin!

Charlann

Oh oh Charlann,

I am so sorry to hear that this particular shoe fits! {{{hugs}}}
Fortunately for me...the alliterative hook just came out of a conversation and I thought...I can write around that. So I did. With everything else you are dealing with now healthwise...I am sorry you also have to deal with an emotional rollercoaster too.

Speaking of feisty...have you seen those tv ads for ancestry.com? They are a hoot...and one of the gals in one of the ads...is an elderly woman who traces her ancestry back to a Native American woman...then to a female aviatrix about the era of Amelia Earhardt...then through Jack Dempsey. I laugh every time I hear her say..."Yep..I'm feisty!!"

Sure wish you were up to being with us at Bill's this afternoon...but I know that is out of the question for you right now. I do hope you are feeling stronger everyday.

I don't wanna say I am glad you liked this lyric though.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Bobbie,
This is great. Seriously, it could be a good cut with the right music. I think you could move the third and fourth line in the chorus around and make it fit better though. I really do like this. I have no suggs for the verses, I think they are just right. Just the chorus. It sings well. Much better than I do. LOL

Hey Bobbelina, I "like" that hook. It "litereates.
Sounds like the guy got, or gonna get, just what he deserved.
Prob'ly shoulda' been run off long before <G>
A little yoda in V 1 but prob'ly works OK in this song.
The last two lines of the second section seems kinda "awkward" or something. I'd see it more like so--
----------
Oh...he loved me well and often
But then he'd leave me guessing
THE CONFLICT OF WORDS AND ACTIONS
IS WHAT I FOUND distressing

Druther not use "gone" as a rhyme in the c with all the goners in the song Possible something like----
----------
CHORUS:
Now he's gonna be a goner
Cause this ain't love
I've had enough
He's gonna be a goner
WITH THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN
HE'S moving on
That man is gonna be a goner

In the section after the C---3rd line , maybe put hope in there for some 'literation----------
--------I HOPE HE CHOKES as it goes down
Last line of bridge doesn't sound final enough <G>
Maybe-
------I'LL BET HE WISHES HE HAD LISTENED
Course you may see it altogether different <G>(Or should that be "differently"? <G>
I think the song may have a place. A lot of women will prob'ly like it and they buy most of the records
Wy--Mud

Nice to see you there Ms Bobbie

Teenie suggestion\alternative for ya...

He set me up to let me down
And I went to the bottom
All his barbs and insults
WERE WRAPPED UP IN ROTTEN .....(hook alert!!!)

Hey Bobbelina,

A song, a song, a song from Bobbelina!! And it sure looks like a winner!!

Overall, story is great and hook is fanTABulous! I bet next up for this fella is "Hope to Hook A Hooker"

Just a couple of teensy little thoughts....It's just easier for me to cut and past the whole thing, and make changes in red, if that's okay?

He set me up to let me down
I DRIFTED to the bottom
His barbs and insults FOUND ME STILL
He GUARANTEED I gottem

Oh...he loved me well and often
But HE ALWAYS LEFT me guessing
Conflicting words and actions SEEMED
INTENTIONALLY distressing

CHORUS:
Now he's gonna be a goner
Cause this ain't love
I've had enough
He's gonna be a goner
I'LL SEND HIM ALONG
AND I'm moving on
That man is gonna be a goner


WHAT that guy IN FACT deserveS
IS A taste of his own medicine
I HOPE he chokes as it goes down(WY'S IDEA)
AND THAT it hurts -- BEST NOT TRY THAT AGAIN

I WONDER IF he'll stop TO think
OF ALL the DAMAGE THAT HE'S DONE
Consider someone else's HEART
Before he breaks aNOTHER ONE

CHORUS: repeat.

BRIDGE:
NOW I AIM TO DO SOME FISHIN'
'CAUSE there's more fish in the sea
But DON'T COUNT ON ANY kissin’
If HE'S NOT FIXIN' TO please me

CHORUS: repeat



EEK, it appears I got a bit carried away here Bobbelina. I just happened to have the time and interest right now to play around with someone ELSE"S lyrics for a change...and you were the "lucky" recipient!

Sorry if I've taken you very far off course...As always KEEP OR SWEEP, no worries!

So good to keep seeing your happy face around here....

Cheers,
Beth

Hi there Caroline,

I have always been partial to that song Sweet Caroline...though I suspect it was well before your time! Thank you for the kind thoughts on this lyric. I do appreciate the suggestions for the chorus as that is the part of this I am least satisfied with. It definitely needs polishing. I was trying to stay away from using the same rhyme scheme as the verses...so was going for the ABBACCA there but it still isn't working right so I need to work on it more. I see other folks have some terrific ideas...which this really NEEDS. LOL

It is great to have you here...and I am remiss for not welcoming you earlier. I have been gone quite awhile due to pressing commitments and health issues. But it great to see new faces and new ideas infused here!! Hope you will keep hanging out here!! It is truly a great group of folks...and the best place to polish our lyrical skills.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Well hey there Mudgie!!

It looks like you an' some'a the other folks have some terrific ideas fer resurrecting this thing. Mebbe I will hafta spend a bit more time on it and see what we can come up with. I am definitely gonna incorporate some of yer ideas!! LOVE the HOPE HE CHOKES bit...great internal rhyme there and I am also gonna use a version of the Listens line. That did need to be more assertive...ummmm..feisty mebbe?? Now I know why I keep you around!!

Choke...gasp...you are also right about the chorus. Drat it is hard to admit that. LOL I am gonna lose that line about him being gone. I didn't like it anyway...but am still gonna work on the whole chorus. Not satisfied with it quite yet.

Yep..this definitely IS a chick song. LOL I even suspect that some guys might recognize themselves in it.

Thank you so much for the fine toothed comb..and outstanding suggestions! Did I ever tell you that you are too sweet to be a mudgeon? LOL Well...if I ever did...I would'a been wrong! ROFL

Hugs,
Bobbelina

""""""""""" Did I ever tell you that you are too sweet to be a mudgeon? LOL Well...if I ever did...I would'a been wrong! ROFL
"""""""""""
You're right about being wrong all right <G>
Wy--Mud

this is as cute as cute can be....and I pesonally think you have a good singable chorus going on.....I'd be tempted to drive it home even further....with....

hammering the hook another time in the middle...as a replacement line....

and then instead of the singer moving along....staying right smack where she is...and helping HIM MOVE ALONG.....

heads or tails...not sure which shows more grit and feisties....
moving on...or helping him along ...either way I guess....

good one Bobbie....you returned with a strong punchy one!!!!...
I like it!!...

best...to ya this after....
Kaley

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Howdy John-boy!!

It is great to see you too!! Thanks so much for dropping by to keep me on the straight and narrow here. <G> Good suggestion on the rotten theme. I am gonna seriously consider that for sure!!

This needs more work...but right now I think a Sunday afternoon nap is in order. I will be back!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Yikes...that was a long Sunday afternoon nap. LOL Just now getting back to this. Ya'all have given me a lot of terrific ideas to consider. I am definitely going to polish this. Guess I had written it off as not having enough substance...but heck...half of the songs on the radio don't have much'a that either.

Will get back to responding to each of you who were so kind as to leave me great ideas!! Boo, I think yer next!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hey Ms Boo,

I ALWAYS appreciate the in-depth ideas and recommendations. They make me think...and tough as that may be...it is essential. Let it not be said that Bobbelina is a lazy writer who never bothers to rewrite!! It is fun to see all the different directions this COULD go.

Hey, you may be onto something there. How about PLAYING HOOKEY WITH A HOOKER? That could be a song maybe.

I already snaked in the GUARANTEED thang. Also really like the intentionally distressing but that might be a mouthful to sing. Gotta ponder more on that'un I guess. You also offer some other good thought provokers in there. For that bridge..I want to stay away from the same rhyme scheme and meter that we've got in the verses...so will probably keep the current rhyme scheme and meter though the specific words might get massaged a bit. Providing as much disparity between the elements of a song makes it easier for a composer to come up with different music for those segments.

Keep them thoughts and ideas coming.

Thank you SO much!!

Hugs,
Bobbelina

Hi Bobbie,

The way you used "from" in line 3 of verse 1, sacrifices stand-alone strength that lines should have wherever possible. "Fell to the bottom FROM all his barbs. . ." is awkward sounding. The last line of verse 2 is too limerick/pedestrian sounding
so I offered an idea there too.

That's as far as I've gotten cause I have to go out -- not that you'd want me to do more. LOL

I like it though!

Terry

He set me up to let me down
And I fell heartlong to the bottom
NO MISTAKIN his barbs and insults
He guaranteed I gottem

BENEATH his barbs and insults
He guaranteed I gottem

Oh...he loved me well and often
But then he'd leave me guessing
- Conflicting words and actions
LEFT ME ENDLESSLY distressing

CHORUS:

This ain't love
SO he's gonna be a goner
I've had enough
He's gonna be a goner
Yeah come the break of dawn
I'll help him move along
That man is gonna be a goner

Hey again Mudgie,

I knew I was right about bein' wrong all along. LOL But thank yew fer yer confirmation. I feel so validated!!

Hugs,
Bobbelina

Well Howdy Ms Kaley!

Sure 'nuff is great to see you're smiling face back here!! You HAVE been missed. I absolutely love your new CD. Been promised my own copy but it has yet to put in an appearance...you kin prolly figger out why I am not counting on seeing it you understand. I DID go and listen to the clips though..and I LOVE IT!!! You truly have a gift my dear...and as for your writing partner...LOL Well the caliber of his attributes is still in question.

I did really like your suggestion about her moving HIM along. Brings out the feisty side better!!! Goodness knows this gal is showing her strong side anyway. Still pondering on additional changes to that chorus.

Sure do appreciate your read and recommendations!! MUCH obliged!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Howdy Tall One,

I truly thank you for the read and recommendations! It is always appreciated. Actually...at least in country today..if you listen to the stuff being played currently..they are doing a lot more line wrapping...so I've been attempting to incorporate that in my writing whenever I can of late. Not that what I have here is working...merely that I've been consciously working on that element.

Am gonna hafta ponder more in the distressing line. Doesn't quite seem to feel right the way you've used it there. I agree this one needs more polish. Been too busy this week to work on it...or rework it.

Thank you once again.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,

Seems you are not too keen on this song so I decided to save my last suggestion for myself.

Cheers
Tall