JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Love Was On The Line

Here is my site where I just posted the new song that I've been co-writing with Clifford Price. He is a relatively new songwriter, like myself, so go easy on us.
Let me know what you think. It is still a work in progress.

The song is "Love Was On The Line."

http://www.myspace.com/johnniemcinnis


Thanks,
Johnnie, a.k.a. ladynred

Sorry, I forgot to add the lyrics. Had to edit.

LOVE WAS ON THE LINE
Johnnie McInnis/Clifford Price
Lyrics Copyrighted 8/5/04, Music 1/4/08



I used to wait for your name to appear
Every night on my computer screen.
I couldn’t wait to send you a note,
Then you’d send one right back to me.
We’d sit there alone for hours,
Just talkin’ ‘bout your kids and mine.
You’d ask me how things were going.
I’d say, “I guess I’m doin’ alright.”

Pre-Chorus:
Before we knew it we were more than friends
And that’s when I realized, that--

Chorus:
Love was on the line.
My heart skipped a beat every time.
Your words appeared before my eyes
Because love was on the line.


It’s amazing how so much emotion
Can be passed through these tiny lines.
But as we shared our hope and our dreams together
You brought back a spark to my life.
I was falling in love
Long before I looked into your eyes.
I was scared to death that when we met
You might change your mind.


2 Chorus:
Love was on the line.
My heart was frozen for a moment in time.
When I looked into your eyes
Yeah, love was on the line.


Bridge:
Well we've been married a few years now
And every day our love grows
It’s crazy now to think about
A time not so long ago

Chorus:
(When love was on the line)
(and my heart skipped a beat every time)
(your words appeared before my eyes.)
(Yeah love was on the line)

HI JOHNNIE

i see you are a member of NSAI and some other things that show some commitment so thats good......i myself dont think this song passes the one minute test that music row subjects all demos to....even the big stars gotta grab em quick and keep em interested.......the goal is radio of course and we all are notorious channel changers.......the song is too slow-no hooks and the guitar work is pretty mundane-uninspired...i hope you dont think thats too harsh.....i am assuming you are doing demos for commercial music...and in my opinon this is just a real mun dane effort...hope u at least appreciate my honesty and i want you to be successful-as a listener nothing about this grabbed me...being in nashville i get to go to BMI workshops and publisher presentations and believe me they are brutal......but this place aint pta talent nite where everyone says u did great no matter what.........tough biz....but i am quite sure your other songs will grab em quick and keep em hanging on for the ride and i encourage you to keep writing.......the average publisher presentation of 50 songwriters at BMI has 3-maybe 4 happy songwriters whose demo is gonna get taken back to the office for a second listen....then theres 46-47 heads rolling out the door-mine among them-so far..........keep at it! nice to meet you....

TOM

Tom must have missed that part of your post! Tom makes a great point about the one minute test. The other day I was wading through a bunch of songs from other artists and basically after 15-20 seconds of vocals, I was deciding if I wanted to keep going or not. It dawned on me that this must be how a lot of music reps go through songs too -- and I was left wondering if I could apply that same test to my songs AND really be honest about it. I think the answer might be "No".

OK, I didn't make any comments on your tune mainly because I can't tell your intentions for this song. If it is "Nashville-bound", then you can use Tom's critique. If it is just for your local crowd, then maybe I would say other things.

Kevin

Tom,
That was brutal alright. Wow. I knew that he needed to work on the bridge--in order to make it more of a contrast, but I didn't think it was that bad. I guess I have listened to it several times and the chorus keeps getting stuck in my head so I thought it must be catchy.

Just wanted to come back and say that I think Clifford is a pretty good singer.

Hi Johnnie:

I like the lyric. "Love was on the line" is, in my opinion, a clever hook. And the story plays out well.

Agree with Kevin that Clifford has a nice voice.

Melodically, I think it could use some work. Within both the chorus and verse, I think some more variation would be helpful. For instance, in the first verse, the line:

Just talkin’ ‘bout your kids and mine.
You’d ask me how things were going.

If the melody here was taken somewhere else to distinguish it more from the melody in the previous lines, it would give some more movement to the song.

Same thing in the chorus....

And, as you noted, bridge melody could be made to contrast with verse melody....

I think it has promise....

All just one opinion, of course.....

Scott

sorry johnnie

assure you i didnt mean to be brutal...or patronizing by saying i liked it.......the one minute test is the reality on music row-believe me.........its one i have to accept and as i said my head has rolled out the door more than once......i wasnt trying to be brutal-just giving you a heads up about the reality of submissions to publishers.....would you have felt better if i said-hey great job-send it in? i give compliments all the time and i enjoy doing that.....please dont think me as being someone who wants to keep you down-like all of us here-we most enjoy hearing about songs being picked up by publishers.....and with an estimated 50,000 songwriters in nashville alone-not to mention the rest of the country-well its very tough.....i assure you i wish you success in your songwriting.....and look forward to hearing other songs from you.....

Tom

Johnnie, I agree with most of what has been said here. Lyric-wise, how about some more details to the story that people can relate to? Perhaps the two could start out in the chat room, move to IM, then to e-mails, and then to the phone line (which also is covered under the hook.) Were the two divorced? Could you include more about the first time they met in person? Also how about a little more technological terms in the song since it revolves around the computer connection. Good luck to you and please don't be discouraged. If you and Kevin didn't show promise, your post might have slipped by with very few reviews.

Mrs.Johnnie....I'm missing the ryhmes in the verses and chorus....maybe it's me, missing it....melody wise that hurts a song and singer....imo...the singer is not bad...imho...I think you have a clever idea....work on it some more....it is a work in progress....

I'm sure Mr. Tom was not trying to be mean....but in reality... the music business is a tough nut to crack....and you got to bring your A game....even with that chances are slim....but....never give up or give in....keep trying....

I'm no pro for sure....I'll give you what I feel and think about your song....doesn't mean I'm right....you can get alot of help and suggestions right here that will help you.....take care...Bob

Thanks everybody. I guess it's back to the old drawingboard. After I read Tom's review I was about to give it up, because I can't seem to get where I want to be. Every time I think I have something good, nobody else thinks it is. Oh well. Clifford is a very good singer. Maybe that is what sold me on his music. He is busy now working on another project, but I think I'll see if my friend in Tupelo can help me work out the problems with the melody and I'll go back and work on the lyrics some more.
Maybe someday I'll have the great song I've always dreamed of.
Johnnie

Ok, guys, is this any better?

I can still remember the day
I saw you on the Yahoo! page.
Those personal ads showed lots of faces
But you just stood out right away.
So I emailed you a note and said
I was married a long time too.
If you need a long-distance friend
I’ll be one that can talk to you.

From there we went to chats each day,
We’d talk for hours ‘bout your kids and mine.
You’d comfort me when some guy would hurt me
Sometimes you’d call on the telephone line.
I started watching for your name to appear
Every night on my computer screen.
Then one day from out of nowhere
You talked about a fireplace fantasy….

Pre-Chorus:
Before we knew it we were more than friends
And that’s when I realized, that--

Chorus:
Love was on the line.
My heart skipped a beat every time.
Your words appeared before my eyes
Because love was on the line.

We’d found out more about each other
Just typing on that old keyboard
Than most people would learn in a lifetime,
But it only made me want to learn more.
It’s amazing how so much emotion
Can be passed through these tiny lines.
I asked if you’d like to get together
And you said that sure would be fine.

I nervously waited for the time to go by
This was the day that I’d been dreaming of.
You drove a long way to take a chance
I think I was already in love.
But when I saw you standing there
Looking so handsome in your suit and tie
Suddenly I was scared to death
That you’d change your mind.

2 Chorus:
Love was on the line.
My heart was frozen for a moment in time.
When I looked into your eyes
Yeah, love was on the line.

Bridge:
Well we've been married a few years now
And every day our love grows
It’s crazy now to think about
A time not so long ago
Chorus:
(When love was on the line)
(and my heart skipped a beat every time)
(your words appeared before my eyes.)
(Yeah love was on the line)

I like the idea of this one, because this is becoming more and more common. However, when I think of love being "on the line", I think if two people who's relationship has been strained for some reason or another. If you worked the phone in there somehow, it might make more sense. I wish I had some "catch phrase" that would make it more clear that it began "online". Best of luck with it.

I thought it did pretty well show that it started online. Also, this new version talks about the telephone line, too.

hi johnnie

i am very sorry that a bad review from me almost made you consider giving up........that was not my intention at all and makes me wish i had never done it....you are new at this and i myself am far from the most seasoned veteran........and i have been nuked and rightly so......some things i wrote really sucked.......but i really want you to keep at it.......i eventually got better and part of that process was to just keep going through it all.........i am not the ultimate music authority at all....i am sorry i was harsh...my mistake in reviews is when i dont like something i am really overboard sometimes and i gotta watch for that...and when i do like something i wanna see it sent off to nashville..so thats where i gotta be more balanced......again sorry i was unduly harsh........my mistake....and i apologize..this town will make you crazy sometimes and i meant well despite how it came out..good luck and please dont give up.......

Tom

Tom,
It wasn't just you. Others have kinda burst my balloon in the past. Lately I've been wondering if I should give it up.
I do want the truth. I don't want someone to say it's good if it's not. I just wish I had more patience to make it better.
Also, I have had trouble finding that perfect co-writer that I can work with. You have to have a certain chemistry. I need a really experienced musician that can help me work the kinks out when my lyrics don't fit just right.

Hi I have been known to give brutal critiques and tell it like it is. Please believe me this is not personal but an accurate appraisal as I see it. Bear in mind this type of music is not my genre. I will not comment on the recording techniques as I take for a very rough demo.

I prefer the second version. Listening to the demo it needs a lot of work. The guitar playing is mundane and lacks any "feel"
There is no hook other than the title which we miss unless we actually see it in context by reading the lyrics. The singer has a good voice but lacks light and shade.

Here is my ideas on how to improve it. I like the lyrics but I see it as a duet. Almost like overhearing an online chat with two folks posting messages to each other whos relationship builds as per the lyrics would imply. one verse male the next female and the bridge and choruses as a harmony duet. You need to work on the melody especially bridge and chorus otherwise boredom will set in. It has to be different. I also see it as a happy song therefore it needs to be a bit faster in tempo. At present it is a happy story set to a sad dirge. Not a good combination.
I do not want to burst your balloon far from it the song can be a winner but it needs a lot of work mostly on the melody and arrangement.
Re kinks in lyrics they can be sorted by either changing the melody line or lyrics. It is usually easier to make small changes in lyrics than change the melody which changes the whole song.

Give Up -- never! Have realistic expectations -- always!

You have to be in this to satisfy your own personal needs. Your profile shows that you have a day job, so right now this is a hobby - a labor of love. Let it stay that way and if anything happens in the future, great. If you are going to be depressed or "have your balloon burst" if you get a critical review, then you are not going to enjoy this experience. All of the songs I post are flawed in some way (some major, some minor) and yes, I dream of that big cut, too. However, the chances are very remote and I accept that. I will, however, continue to make people cringe with my singing (lol).

Kevin

Kevin,
I don't have a day job anymore. LOL. I quit at the end of October. But I am looking for something closer to home so that I'll have more time. I do write because I love it, but I can't ever seem to get a song finished to the point of being good enough to get to the demo stage. I wish I could get at least one song demoed that I could be proud to let everyone hear.

Big Jim,
Yes, it was a rough demo that he sent me when he finished the song. I just posted it on my site so that I'd have a place for people to go to and listen so they could critique it. I think he is pretty good, but like me is new and has lots to learn. Maybe we need a third party to get us going in the right direction.

Anyway, thanks for the help.
Johnnie

LadynRed,

It may be time to bite the bullet and learn how to play guitar and/or piano at even a rudimentary level (unless of course you already do). Then you can get some simple backing track building software (band in the box, jammer, ...) and learn to do your own music. Then you won't have to depend on others as much to get the rough cut demo done. Once you have rough cut demo, you can buy a pro demo.

It might take a year or two to get proficient enough, but you will be a year or two older even if you don't learn how to do it yourself!

Kevin

Kevin,
I do play a little guitar, but I can't seem to put a decent melody together. Sometimes I "hear" a melody in my head when I'm writing the lyrics but can't seem to translate that onto the guitar. But even the melody I hear in my head is not always great, so I'd rather have someone who can work their magic with it. I have thought about trying some software, but the samples I've seen seem so confusing to deal with. I don't know if that would do me any good or not. Which one is the "easiest" to use for a beginner?

I am in the "Do as I say" camp not "Do what I do"! I have Band in the Box, but I still have done any backing tracks -- because I am too lazy to figure it out. However, it is one of my 2008 goals to learn how to do it. In short, I can't give advice on which one to try, maybe someone else will jump in.

You can always sing the melody. Even if you are not a good singer you can record your melody line and then get help a lot easier.

No real help from me, just suggestions.

Kevin

Hi Ladynred there are a lot of good music production software packages out there.
I use Cubase. It can record and edit audio plus Midi.
For a beginner you can learn a lot and also create a lot of music easily using midi. If you need more help or info on how to use Midi PM me and I will try to help out with useful links or free tutorials etc.. Too complicated to explain in a few words but really quite versatile and easy for beginners to learn. Not very expensive too.

Thanks Big Jim,
I will look at the Cubase.

I see there are different Cubase versions like Cubase 4, Studio 4 and SE3.

They are all basically the same just newer version or pro edition versions. I use Sx3 and also a specialised program called Cubasis. PM me before you think of buying. I may be able to help you out. You may also need a small midi keyboard to connect to your PC they are not expensive and much easier than mouse or PC keyboard.

hello again

yes the right co writer makes all the difference for sure........but keep looking....i myself went thru a few in nashville...pretty much wasted 2 years when i first got here.......but i did hang in there and kept looking......now i have a couple of great co-writers and we got some good stuff done......let me suggest a couple of sites to look for co-writers.....here on JPF-obviously of course.....but theres also the ASCAP website-which is free-u dont even have to be a member.....they have a COLLABORATORS CORNER where you can put a free ad for co writers in or search ads other have put in for co-writers.....good site..theres also www.CRAIGSLIST.NET which is a great multi purpose internet bulletin board........it has a MUSICIANS LINK where you can post local ads for co-writers in your area.....johnnie we all have had a tough time getting going-keeping going in the biz........dont give up!...if you are in this as potential career then your songs-as ours do-have to be up to commerical-professional standards.......and thats a very hard to define standard except to say you gotta grab em quick and keep em along for the ride......so check out ASCAP/CRAIGSLIST and whatever others suggest...........you have as much chance as anyone believe me.......nobody in nashville ever thought i would even get a demo done........there was the wail of sirens around town as paramedics responded to people having chest pains that i ever got anything recorded.......its just part of the fun of this biz-the challenge of doing things despite the odds...you see my pic-do i look young to you?.....i am getting it done just the same and you can too...........hang in there girl!

TOM

I have tried ads in the past, but I will try those you suggested.
Thanks.

Hi Johnnie,

I am unable to listen right now, but I've read your lyric and the posts. I just want to chime in and give you a little lift. I like your lyrics on their own...they are honest and interesting, and you have a nice hook with some wordplay going on.

Remember that once you post something that you've worked on, you need to be ready for every response under the sun. You need a suit of armor sometimes. This board has every sort of person on it, from seasoned pros to loony observers who just like to type things. I think Tom Yeager gave you an excellent critique if you are looking to actually pitch a song...he's been writing great stuff and paying hard dues in Nashville. Bottom line is he understands "the bar"...not the one you drink at, but that incredibly high one you need to clear before your song is good enough to be even considered by the folks in Music Row, the ones who listen to dozens and dozens of good songs every day.

You seem pretty tough and resilient to me, so I hope you take these critiques the right way and come back stronger for them. Only you can keep yourself positive and inspired to keep crafting songs...but the best use of these boards is when we DON'T go easy on you. Looking forward to your masterpiece, Mrs. McInnis!

-Lyle

Nobody said anything about the changes I made to the lyrics. Did the changes make the song better or worse? Did it make it too long? Different people had said I needed to add more details so I did. I just need to know if I'm headed in the right direction.

Thanks,
Johnnie

I said I preferred the second version. I do not think the lyrics are the main problem. I think it is the melody and arrangement that needs a lot of work.

Okay, thanks. That's one vote for the new version. LOL

It's not votes that count it is what makes sense to you and your song. You have to go with what YOU think, not necessarily what others think. We just try and point you in the right direction.

Remember if you depend just on feedback here, that we will probably send you off in 28 "right" directions.

Kevin

LOL! Ain't that the truth...

Ms. Johnnie, don't give up. What you've written is good. I just think it could be made stronger or I'd never have commented. The singer has a very nice voice. I've heard much worse scratch demos. Most of the songs/lyrics we post here are not "perfect" but that's ok. We learn from each other and help each other.

Keep at it. It also helps to remove yourself from the song. Yes, you wrote it but it's not *you* that anyone is critiquing.

Good start, good story, good lyrics, maybe trim-em down. I'd say just work the melody some more. Make it drive and climb

Kevin,
That's so true. Everyone has their own opinions. Maybe I'LL know when I finally get it right.