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"I'm Going"

Standing in the kitchen, her backpack beside her on the floor
"I'm going" she said fiercley, and headed for the door
Her daddy leaning on the counter with a beer in his hand
Said, "you do that hunny," and took a swig out of the can
Her mother on the couch, past her time of thrills
Said, "wait, before you go, pass me that bottle of pills."
Storming out of the kitchen, and stopping in the hall
She said, "soon you're gonna miss me," and she kicked the wall
She put on her winter coat and paused by the door
She called, "its your last change to love me, or you won't see me anymore"
On the lawn she stopped, turned around and yelled
"I'm gone, by the way. You can start crying now."
Through the kitchen window, her dad waved instead of cried
She turned towards the street, fire raging in her eyes

She said "I'm gonna make them sorry,
I'm gonna making them pay.
One day they'll find they miss me,
and on that day I'll turn away.
I'm going now and I'll find somewhere to be loved
And when they come lookign for me i'll say,
'Too late, I'm gone.'"

At the end of her street, she didn't know which way to turn
The despair suddenly grabbed her, and she sat down on the curb
Alone, hungry, sad, and not 100 feet from home
She realized the biting truth, that she had nowhere to go
And then it hit her young mind, as only these thoughts could
If even her parents didn't love her, then nobody ever would
But she knew there were people out there, a mommy and a dad
That would love her and buy her things, things her parents never had

She said "I'm gonna make them sorry,
I'm gonna making them pay.
One day they'll find they miss me,
and on that day I'll turn away.
I'm going now and I'll find somewhere to be loved
And when they come lookign for me i'll say,
'Too late, I'm gone.'"

Still sitting on the sidewalk, doubts running through her brain
She turned around and started off, back down the way she came
Up the street, and through the yard
In the front door, into the hall
Shedding her coat, and wiping her shoes
She said, "I'm giving you one last chance to prove-"
"Prove what?" said her dad, "I knew you'd be back"
"Go to bed," her mom moaned, "or do you want a smack?"
Tears streaming down her face, her foot stomping on the floor
She said, "ok i'm going," and headed once more for the door
They paid no attention, they knew she'd return
She knew it too, though it made her heart burn

What was it that kept her, from going away?
What was it that made her stay?
Though her heart was neglected, and her parents didn't care,
The hearts that really needed loving, were theirs.

The End


[This message has been edited by hitherei8u (edited 04-14-2005).]

[This message has been edited by hitherei8u (edited 04-15-2005).]

[This message has been edited by hitherei8u (edited 04-15-2005).]

[This message has been edited by hitherei8u (edited 04-15-2005).]

"Okay so it's not exactly country- deal with it."

What's with this attitude? First the "psych" love song post, then the "country-fied" comment and now the "deal with it" comment. Even the screen name is obnoxious. I am not impressed.

I don't know how others feel, but I've got better things to do with my time than deal with hostile lyricists. No one's getting paid for the time spent here giving feedback on lyrics, except perhaps in the currency of courtesy.

Best of luck to you, "i8u". I choose not to deal with it.

-- James

Hi There James,
I'm sorry if I've offended you in any way. First off, the country-fied comment was not meant to insult in any way. I merely meant that the majority of this forum is country songs/lyrics. I don't think country is bad and I don't think there is anything wrong with being country-fied. Second off, if the "so its not country-deal with it" line bugs you, I'll take it off. It also was not meant to be mean. I was joking, but if it's not funny, I can deal with that. And finally, as for the "psyche" love song, I was joking again. And again, I will delete it if you feel offended. I'm sorry you have a problem with my posts and my username. Although I'm not changing the username, I will try harder to make more sincere posts in the future. Thank you for being upfront with me.

Thanks for clarifying. Jokes are a tricky thing on written posts - so much of what makes a joke work is communicated visually and aurally - and I have to admit that I sometimes just read things the wrong way. It could have been me.

This looks *awfully* long. I think the story's great, all the way up to that last line. I think it makes more sense to lead an audience to that kind of conclusion instead of bluntly stating it like that. It's telling them what the story means rather than letting them deduce what the story means.

You've done a really good job of characterizing people in brief phrases. Lines like:

Said, "wait, before you go, pass me that bottle of pills."

This gives me an instant picture of the mother, more interested in herself than in her daughter's threat to leave. Because you do such a good job without needing a lot of words, I think you could trim this down dramatically and actually make the story stronger.

In particular, the return and the second leaving seems overly complicated. It doesn't make a new point that I can see, so I'm not sure it's needed.

Of course, if this runs at 140BPM or something, it may all pass in a flash and the length is fine. But that pace and the tone of the lyrics wouldn't match, to my way of thinking.

You've got a good story, good characterization, sold sequence of events. I think this is very good. With some honing, I think it could be even better.

-- James

Hi James,
Thanks for the speedy reply and the "second chance". I can see how my "jokes" might be annoying/offending.
Thanks for reading! Yeah, I realized it was long while typing it in. I understand how this could get monotonous sometimes. I've been listening to a lot of Bruce Springsteen lately, and was attracted to his style of story telling. I think with the right music to carry the lyrics on, the length might be ok, but I'll toy with it and try condensing it. I also thought the return and then leaving again was complicated, but what is a lonely 6-ish year old to do? Another reason for the end, besides my inability to wrap anything I write up, was that I didn't want to the stroy to end in a predictable/already-been-done way. My first thought for the ending was that she would come home and her dad would hug her and say something like "oh, all because we made you clean your room." but I didn't like that idea of all. I'm pretty satisfied with the ending, in terms of originality, but it does seem complicated/confusing/abrupt. I'll see what I can do with it.
Thanks again for the critiques and second-chance. Ciao.

Sarah

6-ish year old? That's news, Sarah. Nothing in the lyric sets an age, and her language sounds more like a teenager than a 6-year-old, and the parents speak to her in adult terms ("every word you say is an attack"). Her logic is more advanced than a 6-year-old's, too.

If you meant this to be a cute story about a little girl threatening to run away from home, I think you need to re-work the lines to provide some clues to her age. "Little mind" is about the only clue I see that indicates she's young, and it can be taken several ways. Actually, I think it works better from a teenage point of view. The conclusion is more mature than any 6-year-old point of view, and the idea that the girl is aware of the problems (which a 6-year-old wouldn't be) makes it more poignant.

Just my two cents.

As for the jokes.... no problem. Your first posts in a new place can really define you, so I thought I'd say something. You're more likely to get the cold shoulder than an explanation, if your first posts are considered annoying. Good to see we have that straightened out. :^)

-- James

Hi Again,
Does it sound more like a teenager? Ok. I didn't mean for it to be a cute little kid story, but I meant that the child had to deal with parents that didn't love her. I also thought some lines would point to her agegroup such as how she couldn't get past the end of her street and when she thought nobody else would love her. Also the line about stomping on the floor. I can see how some of her views are more machure, though. It's ok, the agegroup doesn't much matter. Just the story. I can also see, more than ever, that the last few lines are a problem. They make it sound as if she knows her heart is bigger than theirs. I just meant for it to say that she knew that since her parents had a lack of love in their life, she knew how that felt and loved them even if they didn't love her. I'll try fixing it.
Thanks for the explanation instead of the cold shoulder. I'm sorry if I came off as obnoxious and that is not the way I want to be seen here. Thanks again.
Sarah

On that last line, maybe a slight tweak like:

"The hearts that really needed loving were theirs"

Just a thought.

-- James

Just a Heads Up-

I slighlty changed a few things-
1. I changed "little mind" to "young mind", little sounded to me like dumb or close-minded.
2. I changed the mom's line from "every word you say is an attack" to "go to bed or do you want a smack". although i wanted to keep up the character of self-absorbant mom, the "attack" line was too long, and as James said, too machure for the agegroup I want the girl to be.
3.I changed one of the last lines from "she knew, but she'd never say" to "what was it that made her stay?" because I didn't want her to know and the line did not fit in with the verse or what I wanted to say.
I hope these small corrections make the song just a little bit better. Thanks.
Sarah

Hey Yeah!!! Thanks!!!

Hi, Sarah,

Welcome to Just Plain Folks!

I read your lyric a few times..Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. It almost feels to me like there's an extra line in the chorus...I wanted to hear the word "loved" rhyme with the ending phrase, since there was a rhyme scheme in the other lines of the chorus.

2. In the end, the line, "Her parents needed someone, to love them and care feels like it doesn't fit...because it is the girl who needs someone to love and care, IMO.

3. One idea for the end of the song is to repeat a powerful line that sums up the whole song, such as your line, "They paid no attention, they knew she'd return
She knew it too, though it made her heart burn."

Anyway...I don't know if any of this is useful..but...I really like your idea of
telling this type of story...a very painful subject, but an important one...

Good luck with this song.
Emily



[This message has been edited by Emily Sanders (edited 04-15-2005).]

Hey Emily,
Thanks for reading and suggesting. Yeah, the chorus is a little weak because of that "loved" line. I tried to make it rhyme, or at least work with, "gone", but I can see that didn't work out. I changed the last 4 lines, thanks to Jame's suggestions. I feel I have to have them their to provide closure, and some-what explain what was making her stay. I think the changes help make it work better, if not completely. Thanks for reading, and yes it was useful. I hope I did the subject justice. I felt it was important to express it too. Thanks again for stopping by.
Sarah

I'm sorry I can't believe I even spent the time to read this so called song.. Think.. for a moment.. Are you just writing words for fun... Or are you really wanting to write a real song???? Sit back and look at this lyric, and really tell me this is good.. Come on tell me this is the best you can do.. If it is, than please stop writing.. I can't believe there is anyone out there who wants to reads your material.. Unless they have lost their minds.. Besides the fact no one want to hear about beer drinking and pill sucking people.. Take all that anger and turn it into a good song.. We've about had it with all the dugs and drinking for one nation.. Turn you sites on a little different route.. Why not reverse all of it, if you know what I mean.. And stop saying I did or she did or he did.. It's like a bad resume..

John-
To each his own! Good luck writing songs that turn you on, and good luck avoiding those that don't.

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Despite the opinion of the previous poster, I think your lyric shows a great deal of innovation. A lot of very seasoned lyricists have trouble with one of the most basic songwriting concepts...how to write in a conversational style. You have done this very well. You have a good handle on how to rhyme. I think as you write more and more you will pick up on some of the technical aspects of meter (making each line work with the same stresses as its corresponding line in the other verses).

The biggest issue here that will give this real fits is the length. You will need to seriously condense this unless you intend to write an epic tale. To actually sing this would take probably 6-7 minutes even at a fairly decent tempo. It is also easier to chedk for meter bumps, rhyme scheme, etc if you post the lyric in lines as they would actually be sung, such as:
At the end of her street,
she didn't know which way to turn
The despair suddenly grabbed her,
and she sat down on the curb
Alone, hungry, sad, and not
100 feet from home
She realized the biting truth,
that she had nowhere to go
And then it hit her young mind,
as only these thoughts could...etc

A word to John Cricks. These forums here on JPF exist so that people can learn from each other how to improve. No one expects a poster to put up lyrics that have no room for improvement. We are here to help each other...and the best way to do that is to provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not demeaning and insulting comments such as: "Or are you really wanting to write a real song???? Sit back and look at this lyric, and really tell me this is good.. Come on tell me this is the best you can do.. If it is, than please stop writing.. I can't believe there is anyone out there who wants to reads your material.. Unless they have lost their minds.." If that is the most helpful critique you can offer someone here, then perhaps you might learn something yourself by reading the comments provided by others here on this forum. If you take the time to post something of yours, perhaps someone here might help you also. No need to cop an attitude round here. You'll find out quickly enough that folks here have manners and expect that of others. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

And Sarah...opinions are like belly buttons...everybody has one!!

Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,
You seem like a genuinely nice guy as well as a talented and professional lyricist. Thank you for your kind words. This is actually the first time I've written this kind of song, inspired, I think, by all the Bruce Springsteen I've been listening to lately.
I tried singing this at a moderate tempo, nothing fast, and it actually clocked in at about 4 minutes. Of course, I didn't leave room for an intro/outro/instrumental breaks.
Because of it's length, I was thinking about nixing or changing the chorus and just making this into a poem. What do you think? It's a little too much for a song...
Thank you again for you kind words. It's good to know you have support. I love your bellybutton line!
Thanks Again
Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Well, you are welcome to use that bellybutton line anytime you feel it is appropriate. Although most folks her are really helpful to each other..occasionally we get a jerk who gets off on insulting and deliberately demeaning others. They don't last long around here.

Oh...and this "genuinely nice guy" is actually a woman. LOL but how would you know that? And thanks for the nice comments on my writing. Like everybody else here...I have to keep working at it too.

Hugs,
Bobbie

OH MAN!!!
Wasn't that sexist of me? Automatically assuming you were a guy? I'm sorry about that. You're still a good writer. And a nice person. Sorry Again!
Sarah