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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 03:22 PM
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You Lied! (c) March 2005 trudifcross66
Shattered dreams... broken trust Faded roses from sweeter days Tear stains on a wedding dress Wilted bridal bouquets
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... and crushed my heart You lied!... You lied to me!
Battered emotion... broken cheek So few words left for us to say Tear stains left on a bloody shirt Wicked anger... run away
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... and crushed my heart You lied!... You lied to me!
Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care! How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... and crushed my heart You lied!... You lied to me!
You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world... All because...YOU LIED! Damn you... YOU LIED!
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Woooo Trudi!!!
this is a hard hitting piece, are you turning into a "rocker" ha! no nits from me
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This is nice, Trudi. Very emotional stuff... but still well crafted, that's a tough balance to achieve. This part bugs me a bit: Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain Even though "Like an orchid..." is a separate thought from that first line, it still reads like they are meant to work together, and they don't. Other than that, this is almost ready for music. Good luck with it!
Corey
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Hi Trudi, This is very powerful. Wilted WHITE bouquet (think it is stronger to allude to the bouquet being her bridal bouquet but don't need to come out and state that.) Not sure ending two different lines of the chorus with the word "heart" works all that well. Maybe: You lied!... LEFT MY HEART TO BLEED You lied!... You lied to me! The second verse seems awkward...like some important info is left out. Battered emotionS... broken cheek So few words left for us to say Tear stains left on a bloody shirt Wicked anger... run away (This line isn't clear to me...not sure "wicked" works with anger and I don't know who ran away. Then in hte next chorus you are back on the knees...so who ran, how long were they gone. There is a timeline issue here.) Think this will be a good one when you polish it up a tad. All the best, dear Canuckian angel!! Hugs, Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
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Thanks Ritt, Bobbie and Cory... Bobbie I made your suggested changes and changed the last line in the 2v to hopefully explain better... Cory with Orchid in the rain... it is meant to express that the singers heart is delicate like the orchid and with an orchid the rain can cause it damage very easily... I will think on that one some more... Thank you all!
You Lied! (c) March 2005 trudifcross66
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Shattered dreams... broken trust Faded roses from sweeter days Tear stains on a wedding dress Wilted white bouquet
Battered emotions... broken cheek So few words left for us to say Tear stains left on a bloody shirt Flared anger... got away
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care! How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like an orchid in the rain It would wither from the pain You tore my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world... All because...YOU LIED! Damn you... YOU LIED!
[This message has been edited by Trudi (edited 03-21-2005).]
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Hi Trudi! I really like this and what you have done with it. Very powerful use of words and well put together! The only thing I may suggest here is on the line Corey pointed out I see both of your points but think it just needs to be written a bit different to explain better what you are trying to say. Here's my stab at it and another keep or sweep of course.
"Fragile as Orchids in the rain"
Great writing and keep on cranking them out. I'd love to hear this one to music! Kudos!
Your friend, David
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Hi Trudi
still a big fan of the original
i like the in your face opening
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Hi Trudi, well I just wanted to come back by and see how this was progressing along. After reading Ritt's last reply I have to agree with him if the fact that I like the hard hitting (in your face) impact of the original opening verse. I also see several of the others points so I hope you don't mind but I just had to play around with this some because I really like it. As usual keep or sweep but this hard hitting song shouldn't be made softer after further consideration.
Your friend, David
You Lied! (c) March 2005 trudifcross66
Shattered dreams... broken trust Faded roses from sweeter days Tear stains on a wedding dress Wilted bridal bouquets (like it as is, though slightly redundant because we know they are bridal bouquets it's hard hitting!)
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart But like Orchids beat in rain(added "but" because it has happened and "beat" because some may not relate to what the rain can do to an Orchid) It has withered, suffered pain(added "has" again because it has happened) You’ve ripped my world apart(changed torn to "ripped" sounds harder hitting to me) Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Battered emotions…broken cheeks So few words left for us to say Tear stains left on a bloody shirt Wicked anger’s raging away(love "wicked anger" since I believe that the level of anger does vary! Added "raging" to help resolve issues)
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart But like Orchids beat in rain It has withered, suffered pain You’ve ripped my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care! How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart But like Orchids beat in rain It has withered, suffered pain You’ve ripped my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world... All because...YOU LIED! Damn you... YOU LIED!
[This message has been edited by hotrod (edited 03-21-2005).]
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BE honest Ritt... so do I and I'm going to change it back! thank you
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Ok folks thank you all so much for ideas and thoughts on this one... I took some advice on putting the chorus first bu my heart told me to put it back this way... I have changed a few things I hope with make it easier to understand and tighten it up a bit... Thank you so much! Trudi
You Lied! (c) March 2005 trudifcross66
Shattered dreams... broken trust Faded roses from sweeter days Tear stains on a wedding dress Wilted white bouquet
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like orchids in driving rain It would bruise under the strain You slashed my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Battered emotions... broken cheek So few words left for us to say Tear stains left on a bloody shirt Flared anger... got away
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like orchids in driving rain It would bruise under the strain You slashed my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care! How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!
I went down on my knees... begging you Please... don't break my heart Like orchids in driving rain It would bruise under the strain You slashed my world apart Promised it would never happen again You lied!... left my heart to bleed You lied!... You lied to me!
You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world... But.... I'll Survive...YOU LIED! Damn you... YOU LIED!
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Ohhh Trudi, Why don't you tell us how you really feel. Powerful job of letting those emotions spill out on paper. I like the final take and can't wait to hear this one. You should be able to do it up with some real 'tude. Larry ------------------ www.taylormadesongs.com
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LOL... thank you Larry... You don't think maybe I was bit choked when I wrote this one do you lol... Thank you I would like to see this one find music and a voice also... Cheers Trudi
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Hi Trudi,
Hang your hat on this one. Damn girl, this one puts the P in Pain and the YOU in GOD-DAMN-YOU. The stongest point is "YOU LIED". I would suggest ending each chorus with YOU LIED. Obviously I can't hear the song being sung so I have nothing to compare to so you be the artist and final judge. GOOD JOB. Monte
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Morning, Trudi. I don't know why but I can relate to rose petals better than I can with orchids as something more relative to weddings. I can see by your posts that you like the orchid idea, though, so best of luck with it! ------------------ "Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars." -- Les Brown http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/triciabakermusic.htm
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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hi Trudi, I'm with Ritt on this one. I can hear it as a hard driving rocker. Like Bobbie said, it is powerful as well. The last lines of the second verse and the bridge lead into the chorus VERY well. The last line of the first verse is a good line, good imagery, but doesn't quite lead into the chorus as strong as the others. (Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who has just been writing for less than a year ) Best of luck with it, a powerful vocalist should have no trouble pouring the emotion out with this one. Tony
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