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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 389
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 389 |
Running away with you... ©2003 Sharon Mark
(vs1) Not long ago, We happened by chance, To meet inspite of the odds. I saw your pretty face, In this crowded place. As you tilted your head to nod.
(vs2) Smitten right there, You smiled my way, My heart bought its ticket in cash. It said it was leaving, Stop my daydreaming... Come hop on this train and fast
(ch) my hearts running away with you, I begged it please to stay... It packed its bags and bid me adieu, I'll send you a postcard someday.
(vs3) Come or stay but I'm leaving you now, Cause I'm not watching her walk away. She's an angel on earth I know what she's worth, I'm gonna make her mine today.
(ch) my hearts running away with you, I begged it please to stay... It packed its bags and bid me adieu, I'll send you a postcard someday.
(br) So as my heart said goodbye I jumped on for the ride, To see where this train would go. And oh what a whirl I'm in love with you girl, I'm riding on loves plateau.
rpt chorus.
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
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Hey Sharon,
This isn't gonna be fun for me. First off, I really like the line "My heart bought it's ticket in cash." But basically, I can't see the language or rhymes in this working anywhere other than musical theater. But I've certainly been wrong before.
Bill
------------------ We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.
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Joined: Mar 2004
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Joined: Mar 2004
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Hi Bill...lol I am curious as to why you say that... I guess I wrote it with intentions of a lighthearted country love song... am I way off here? lol...... Smile
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 372
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Hi, Smile. I like the imagination, But yet the simple truth in this one. Good job, Nite...
Poems belong in bookstores. Lyrics belong in songs.
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Joined: Sep 2003
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Hey Sharon, I should learn that when I say something like that I never get away without an explanation. OK, words like "smitten" and "bid you adieu", "we happened by chance" are just not words you see in country, in my experience. And several of the rhymes are too simple for a strong country lyric- pretty face/crowded place, the leaving/daydreaming lines,angel on earth/what she's worth, oh what a whirl, I'm in love with you girl. I can imagine those phrases in "Oklahoma" but not on an Oklahoma country radio station. Bill ------------------ We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395 |
I gotta agree with Bill on the use of words like 'smitten'. Using phrases which are little archaic can be done, but it's got to fit like a glove.
Ahem.
Anywho - I had a problem with the chorus when it switches voice. The 'heart' is taking off and it's told from the singer's point of view, yet the last line is from the perspective of the heart ("I'll send you a postcard someday"). You could put it in quotes, but the listener can't hear quotation marks. You could say 'I hope it sends a postcard my way' or something to that effect...
hobester
hobes
"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 10,690 |
Hi Sharon i like the plateau / go rhyme i guess bill has a point, but i feel a strong airy beat and with the right approach, who knows!!! ------------------ http://www.ampcast.com/music/26305/artist.php
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