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Well, this is a dark one folks, so if you're in the mood for light, turn back now. I'm not really sure what genre this would be. I'm thinking it would probably need to be alt rock or something, to fly. Hard to get songs cut in that market, I know, but you just gotta write what the muse sends you, regardless of marketability, sometimes. So here it is. All comments appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help.

Erica


Riptide
©2003. Erica Molz

I walk these empty beaches
Lost and alone
Every step I take gets washed away
I used to find my comfort here
Now I can't find it anywhere
My mind keeps churning like the crashing waves

(Climb)
The undertow is tugging at my feet
Pulling me from all I want to be

(Chorus)
The riptide's getting stronger
I can't catch my breath
I try to fight against it
But I don't have much strength left
I'm scared I'm going under
I feel the icy chill
Does no one hear me calling
Can't someone save me still
From this riptide.......inside

As a sunburned little girl
I'd build my dreams
Castles I thought would always stand
There's no sign of them now
I've watched them all come down
Now my hope's as fragile as the sand

(Climb)
Every day I'm farther out to sea
And the shore seems more impossible to reach

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)
I need to find
A piece of shoreline that's really mine
Quit swimming straight into my pain
Turn, and try, to find another way

(Chorus- changed)

(Cuz) the riptide's getting stronger
I can't catch my breath
I've tried to fight against it
I don't have much strength left
But I haven't gone under
Even though I've felt the chill
I'll listen for that girl inside me
Try to save us both still
From this riptide.....inside

[This message has been edited by rickigirl (edited 08-24-2003).]

[This message has been edited by rickigirl (edited 08-27-2003).]

Hi Rickigirl,

Very nice. I was reading it with a head tune right from the start which usually tells me that the lyric has good meter. I stumbled at very few places, so the quality is very high.

But somehow I can't really fathom a long chorus like yours. Remember a chorus should be simple to remember in lyric and melody. A nine line chorus may be way too many.

As for genre, I think modern country may be good for it.

Good work.

Stan

------------------
Having Fun!!!!
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/stanloh

Don't see much to nit. Don't see why it can't be country.

I will BIGTIME disagree with Stan on 9 lines in a chorus being too long however. Tons of songs have even 10 or more lines; and these lines are sos short it won't be a problem in the least.

Hi, Stan and Blake. Thanks for the comments. A little bit of a split there on the chorus. I think it would really depend on the music. If this was a ballad, it might get too long with the climbs and a longer chorus and a bridge. But like Blake, I've been hearing plenty of songs with longer choruses on the radio, so I think with the right music, it could work. I find it interesting that you both think this could work as country. I have a very hard time hearing it that way. The images just seem to dark for country to me. But maybe I'm wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

Thanks again, guys!

Erica

Hello there Erica !!!
Very nice... absolutely right!! Always trust your muse... never know where he/she make take you... Nothing wrong with dark.. you touch on emotions that many have felt at one time or another.. we can't hide from the dark.
I see nothing wrong with the length of the chorus... the way you wrote it out makes it appear longer than it is.. I see it this way

The riptide's getting stronger;I can't catch my breath
I try to fight against it;But I don't have much strength left
I'm scared I'm going under, I feel the icy chill
Does no one hear me calling
Can't someone save me still
From this riptide.......inside

This makes it only 6 lines

I am with you... while it certainly COULD be country... its not what I feel... I feel one of those spiritual new-age sounds to it. I hear a smoothe chelo to bring out the dark quality of the words.
Anyway... just my thoughts
Lots of Luck to you
Joanne

Hi, Joanne. Thanks for taking a peek. I'm not really sure how I hear this, but I know it doesn't sound like country music. And nope, you can't hide from the dark. Might as well just face it head on. And maybe it will be so surprised that you did, it will go away sooner. Thanks again, for the comments.

Erica

Hi Erica,

I got lost inside the rhythm of this one right away. As you already know, the lyrics in this one flew straight to my soul. I know the girl in this one, I've BEEN the girl in this one. That's why I'm too personally involved to even begin to critique it. I feel every syllable, girl....

AWESOME!
Cindy

Well, with Country turning back to its roots right now with a vengeance, I gotta side with you that this might be a hard sell in the current market. But if Liz Phair can do mainstream pop songs with her lyrics, this could find a place in that genre. It's packed full of emotion, dark but with a tug of hope at the end, and that's what a lot of pop rock is all about.

A few minor suggestions, then a radical one that goes against convention.

Lost and all alone
My mind keeps churning like the crashing waves
The undertow is tugging at my feet
A way to shore that's really mine
And the use of still at the end of tht chorus line seems kinda, well, yodaish to me. But I like that chill line before it so much that I'd hate to see you lose it, although it could be a tough one to rhyme to otherwise.

Now for the radicalism. This woman/girl is suffering a bit of distance from her true self, and her salvation is finding her way back to that girl and all her hopes and dreams. I'd like to see the distance between them emphasized even more. And my radical suggestion? A pronoun shift in the second verse to refer to herself in the third person:

A sunburned little girl
Built all of her dreams
On castles that she thought would always stand
There's no sign of them now
She's watched them all fall down
Now her hope's as fragile as the sand

Maybe, maybe not. Even with the shift, I don't think there would be any doubt who's she's singing about.

Anyway, food for thought. Powerful writing, Erica. As always!

Hey Rickigirl,

I always love me a tune with some darkenss and edge to it. Could still use a little reworking but I really enjoyed this one for the most part and I think you gotta a lotta good advice up above to help make this one shine.

Nicely done,
Kevin

Cindy: Now, how did I know you were gonna like this one? I think everyone goes through a riptide time at some point in their lives. I hope I've captured the emotions involved. I'm glad you think I have. Thanks for reading, Cindy.

Mike: Hiya. Some good tweaks, there. I'll edit them in. I'm still thinking on the shift to the third person. What a radical. To be honest, when you first suggested the idea, I instantly liked it. But then I started thinking - always a mistake - and now I can't decide. I think you're right that people who would know who it refers to. But I can't decide if it conveys that distance she's feeling from herself or just distances the listener from the singer. I'm still deciding. Thanks for all the good ideas and the food for thought.

Kevin: Thanks for stopping in. I'm still reworking, so hopefully I can get this one shiny. And get some dark, edgy music to go with it. I appreciate the comments!

Erica

Erica: Hi. I certainly felt the darkness with your first verse. Felt chilling

I got these images and ideas as I read the words

I walk along this empty beach
Lost Alone,far from my comfort zone
The ocean finds my footsteps
They disappear beneath the waves
My mind churns like crashing surf
I am halfway out into the water, nothing left to save

Hey, Paul. Sorry it took me so long to get back here. The holiday weekend has kept me hopping. Yup, it's a darkie. If it felt "chilling", then I must have done something right. Thanks for the read and thoughts.

Erica