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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 407
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Critiques would be most appreciated
Fire In His Eyes
V1 I saw a sad man The other day He had tears in his eyes I wondered what to say He caught me staring at him And turned to walk away
V2 How can I help you? Was all I said He stopped to look back at me Slowly shook his head There’s nothing you or I can do I’m already feeling dead
Chorus Fire in his eyes Burned bright long ago Now hidden by disguise So no one will know He no longer has Fire in his eyes
V3 He said I’m sorry For all this mess And I apologize That it’s come down to this And I know that I’ve become Someone no one will miss
Chorus Fire in his eyes Burned bright long ago Now hidden by disguise So no one will know He no longer has Fire in his eyes
Chorus Fire in his eyes Burned bright long ago Now hidden by disguise So no one will know He no longer has Fire in his eyes
Copyright © 2003 Steven McDonald
[This message has been edited by VNORTH (edited 08-09-2003).]
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Joined: Feb 2001
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The story is engaging, but I think it could go even more in depth, letting the reader/listener into the broken man's world... the reason he lost the fire in his eyes. One big question I had as I read this: Since this is from one man's viewpoint (not the downtrodden fellow), how would he know there used to be a fire in the sad man's eyes if it's disguised? Something to consider. I'm not sure how the bridge relates. Good luck with this... it's got some interesting stuff going on, but needs some focus.
Corey
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Hi Corey
Thanks for your response. Very much appreciated. He's looking into a mirror and so knows that what he now shows is a disguise. That may also explain the nursery rhyme for the bridge.
Steven
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Joined: Oct 2002
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Steve I really like the idea here because we've all done it one time or another. Maybe our thoughts haven't been so negative but we've taken a long self discerning look at ourselves in front of the mirror. But the nursery rhyme thing will never set right with me. Many others may say it's a great twist but as far as I'm concerned it's not with the mood. I can't even imagine what type of musical approach you'd use in this case to work that in. I know what you're doing because the lyric is empty without the mirror part but there must be a better, more subtle way to bring the mirror into the scene......However, that may be just me and I'm wrong a lot but the odd time I get it right too.
Good writing otherwise....IMO as you know.
Eric
If you're going to judge someone, do it on the side of mercy.
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Joined: Sep 2002
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Eric
Thanks for the read friend. Most appreciated. I really debated with the Mirror, mirror thing. What I am most happy about in this song is the music and in particular how mirror, mirror fits into it without being dominant. In some ways I think it also takes the listener back to a happier time which is a contrast to the theme of the lyric. I hear what you're saying and I will give your comments great weight.
Steven
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Steve, I was drawn in by the first and second verses. Very good. The chorus was just as attractive. I kind of debated about the word "disguise". It didn't really portray the fact of hopelessness. Disguise led me to think something false or hidden. But what he was feeling wasn't either, it was depression. And the bridge really threw me. I didn't like using a nursery rhyme. It's clever, but not appropriate. Oh, one other thing. I saw a man the other day ...could mean that you don't know this guy. "a man" and "ther other day" suggests happenstance. Did you mean that? Good job nevertheless. Stan ------------------ Having Fun!!!! http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/stanloh [This message has been edited by Lagusaya (edited 08-05-2003).]
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